“Soon” (Optional Bias)
a/n: A few days ago, I asked you guys for advice regarding my crush and I’m delighted to tell you that I have decided to drop my feelings for him before it became something deeper. Apparently, he had a girl he liked and like I said, I’m a smol child that everyone treats like a little sister. Maybe some part of me got scared, but I don’t know… This feels like the right decision. Anyway, due to the fact that I have a lot of excess feelings, I wrote this. I was inspired by a conversation I had with @sunshine-scenarios and a poem I wrote and posted a long time ago entitled, “Forget”. For the people who take time to read these musings, I love you.
Genre(s): Angst, Romance (I’m really comfortable with writing angst if you guys noticed at least 70% my scenarios are angst)
Your mouth hung open and you could already feel the hot tears come streaming from the back of your eye. It stung. It did, but not as much as seeing your boyfriend half-naked in his apartment with a model clinging on his shoulders.
He looked shocked, but you noticed that his eyes were hazy and the apartment looked like a pigsty. He met your eyes and looked at the poor girl in front of him, then back at you, almost like he couldn’t believe that you were standing on his doorway. He pushed the girl away, as if he just regained his senses. She looked offended, took her bag and pushed past you outside the door.
You looked back at him and thought, ‘This is the most clichéd thing that could happen, but it happened.’ You let out a short laugh as tears spilled from the corners of your eyes.
“Jagiyah…” he breathed as he took a step towards you.
You held up a finger, using your other hand to wipe the tears away and hold in your sobs.
“I leave… I left for one week, ______.” You breathed deeply. “I left because I didn’t want to fight anymore and you replace me?”
“Jagiyah, she was not a replacement. I wasn’t it my right mind, I was drunk and I missed so, so bad.” He took another step forward and you didn’t even flinch.
He took another step and took your hands, held them tightly with his and you didn’t push him away.
“Am I supposed to understand this again?” You asked, maybe more to yourself than to him.
But he answered anyway, “No. I don’t want you to understand… I want you to get angry with me, I want you to stay in this room and get angry at me. Hurt me. I can take it, just don’t leave me again.”
…
“Excuse me, the café is closing already in a while.” A young girl wearing the uniform of the said café tapped your shoulder, breaking your reverie.
You gave her a curt nod and looked at your cold cup of coffee, debating whether to finish it or to leave it. Looking at your cup, you caught sight of the empty chair in front of you and the scenes that played in your head earlier.
You wondered as you stood up and walked out of the café. It was drizzling, so you pulled out your umbrella. You weren’t really paying attention while walking, looking at your feet as you tried to match the cracks on the sidewalk. You bumped against someone and you muttered an apology before going your way. At least you were when you felt someone hook a hand on your arm to stop you from going any further.
You looked back to see a man’s chest and you slowly trailed your eyes upward, knowing who he is from just the sight of his lips. You met his gaze, his warm yet invading gaze.
His name left your lips in a matter-of-fact manner; your mind can’t quite process how or why he was standing in front of you then.
He echoed with the sound of your name and a small smile on his lips. “You were here, huh? Was I too late? Did the café close already?”
You slowly nodded.
…
“I’m… I’m going to leave… now?” you pulled your hands away from his grasp and you felt him freeze on his spot, as if his breathing also halted as he searched your eyes for answers.
“Y/N…” he tried, he was trying and you could feel that he was putting his whole heart on your palms.
“I’m gonna leave and this time, I’m not coming back.” You made your resolve, but you couldn’t bare to look him in the eyes. For someone you loved so much, you just can’t walk away while bravely meeting his gaze. But you did. Weak and tired and helpless as you felt, you stared right back, uncontrollable tears running down your cheek. “Let me walk away, please. Don’t ask me to stay. Give me this one last gift.”
“No.” He grabbed your wrist again and for the first time that night, you backed away. “You may think I’m selfish but I’m not letting you go. I’d rather that you stay here and hate me, than not be here at all.”
“But if I leave…” you interjected. “If I leave now, I will love you and our memories; I will love every thought of you and the fact that you loved me enough to let me go. I can love you forever this way.”
You pulled your hands away and with one last look, you fled out of the door, out of the building and presumably, out of his life.
This time, he didn’t stop you because he knew, maybe not then when he cried in his sleep nor when he heard your voice in his dreams, that he could love you that way too.
…
“Is that so?” He clicked his tongue and pushed his hands in his pockets.
“Yeah. It was nice seeing you. I’ll go ahead.” You turned around immediately but he called after you.
“Do you mean that?” you can hear the melancholia in his voice.
“Mean what?” you turned around again.
“That it was nice seeing me… Do you mean that?” he repeated and took a step closer.
You pondered for a second, looking at him and the circles around his eyes. He looked great still, without make-up on; inhibited and tired, yet smiling. “Yeah, I meant it. I meant every word.”
“I missed you. I miss you almost every day. I see you every time I close my eyes to sleep.” He took another step and you were rooted to your spot. “Do you…” he hesitated and he never hesitated before. “…miss me at all?”
“Every day. I missed you just now, back in the café actually.” You shrugged like it was the most normal occurrence.
“It’s only been a month. I think I’m going to die.” He was already standing in front of you, so close that you can smell the mixture of his cologne and the late evening drizzle as it clung to his skin. “Do you still want to leave? Because at the state I am in right now, I still selfishly want you to stay with me.” He chuckled to himself. “Am I being pitiful?”
“If I’m honest, I’d say you’re convincing, but as much as I have loved you for the past three years… Lately, I realized that I should love myself as much, so to answer your first question…” you didn’t even blink and he could almost hear his own heart break. “Yes. I can’t stay.”
He nodded, gulping back any words that he might’ve used to beg you. “Will you be okay?”
“I’m not okay yet.” You tightened your grip on the handle of your umbrella. “But I will be, soon. I hope you too.”
You gave him a broken smile and turned around.
You walked away again.
“Someday!” he called after you.
You stopped and somehow, with just one word you understood.
‘Someday.’ You sighed. ‘That’s a nice thought.’
“Maybe.” You said, before resuming your steps.
You resumed your steps, further and further.
You walked on without turning back.
It's so wonderful!
I'm glad I could help you a little ❤️
