breathless

[pxstelism]

“i don’t want to meet them,” he answered, maybe too fast. “or… i mean…” jace was starting to feel uncomfortable now, needing to withdraw into the shell of isolation that kept his anxious tendencies at bay. his legs lifted up onto the couch, tucking up close to his chest. it was hard, moisture still pricking at his eyes, not to run to his bedroom, to safety, to just cry about how miserable his existence was. he couldn’t even be a decent date. his chin propped on his knees and slender arms wrapped pitifully around his now tucked up frame. “i shouldn’t meet riley. not know. child psychology says —” he snapped his mouth shut, not about to launch into another too-factual rant, “you don’t know if you want me permanently. we - we clearly don’t know each other all that well yet. she’s still at an age when, um, she needs permanence.” the custody situation cropped up sourly in the back of his mind. he swallowed his commentary on it though. except for adding the relevant thought, “i wouldn’t want to meet someone who abandons her child.” to jace, it didn’t matter that she had come back. it didn’t even matter that sawyer and the child’s mother were on good terms. jace can only draw from his facts and from his past and both of those had him in extreme dislike of anyone who would neglect her parental duties to that extreme for a year and a half. it was the only statement he’d delivered without a stutter, waver or hesitation and nothing the pretty boy with eyes the color of himalayan poppies was going to change his mind on that rigid fact. “thing is…” he started, the thickness returning to his voice immediately. “i… i don’t know what i want. and – and i don’t know if this can work.” he wiped his eyes with the heels of his hand. “but i can’t lose you either. not before i even got the chance to be… to be properly yours. or something.” slim shoulders lifted in a shrug. all his gangly limbs tucked up small, he aimed to be as unimposing as possible (not that it was possible to even be imposing with a crown of flowers). “i’m not the type of guy people want to be with f-forever. i’m not even the type of guy people want to be with for a little while.” he stayed in his pitifully hunched little form until he felt like he’d start crying again at the sight of sawyer’s tears so he reached out to slip his band back into the other male’s. “can we do the thing where we keep… keep seeing each other? without meeting them.” he wasn’t convinced that was what he wanted but he didn’t want to not have any more froyo dates, flirtations in the flower shop or snack sharing on the couch. he might be able to give that up tomorrow but certainly not today.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

the sad part about all of this was that sawyer really liked jace, enough that he was ready to push minnie away to have jace instead. of course, he wouldn’t do that now. not when he had only known jace for a month and a half. but that was the thing; they had talked enough over that month and a half that sawyer had become so enamored and smitten with jace and the thought of losing him when he only just now knew the man could be his was heartbreaking. he wanted to take back every single word he said about riley and continue to make the flowery boy smile, but telling the truth was a lot more important. if this was going to work at all, it would only work with honesty, trust, and communication. “i’ll do that if you want,” sawyer nodded gently, spirits lifted just the slightest bit when jace fit their hands together again. it was reassuring. it meant that jace still wanted him, even if it was just for comforting in the moment. “and if you change your mind in any way, we’ll go from there. you’re a lot smarter than me, and i’m sure you know what’s best for you. i would never force you into anything, so if you feel stuck or uncomfortable at any point with anything, just let me know and we’ll fix it.”

[pxstelism]

his stomach was churning with something that felt disgustingly like self pity. of course, the first person jace likes in ages has a complicated history that makes them being together all that much more unlikely. he regretted the thought as quickly as it entered his head, knowing that he was making it seem like sawyer was to blame for some negative feeling washing over jace when, really, it was his own thoughts wreaking the havoc. jace’s experiences in the world were limited, far much more so than sawyers had been, evidently. sawyer had gotten someone pregnant, had a child and had a sexuality crisis on top of it all. it did soothe some part of jace’s overactive imagination, anyways, to hear that sawyer did identify as gay. it felt less like he was a homewrecker for that reason. but it still made him frown when he described his daughter being abandoned on his doorstep, practically, and then how minnie just traipsed back into their lives with no repayment of her earlier faults. “you just took her back? just like that?” he blurted out, never one to stay alert to social cues. his opinion might not be wanted but he couldn’t help the disapproval that washed over his features. “single parent households fare much better than split parent households – for the benefit of the child. a constantly changing environment, passing her back and forth, is awful for her development and growth plus as she grows older, she’s not going to have the relationship of her parents to –” jace cut himself off, flushing in embarrassment and quickly snatching his hand out of sawyer’s. this situation was going from bad to worse in his mind. “sawyer…” he tried in a gentler voice, holding his own hand to his chest with an uncertain expression creasing his brow. “i really do… i do, um, appreciate you telling me. and you being honest.” he played with his fingers idly, fidgeting and hoping the flare up of his anxiety quieted the roaring in his mind. “i–i like you. i really, um, really do. but i don’t… i don’t know if i…” his eyes started welling up with tears all on their own and he dropped his gaze to his lap frantically, a petal falling from his crown of flowers. “whatever you need me to be for you right now, i don’t know that i can. i’m not – not the type of guy who adapts to things well. and this is a lot and it feels serious and i don’t… what’s best for that child right now is not a dad with a s-socially awkward, um, boyf–i just. she needs you and her mother. that’s it. not me.” he was leaving so much out of his explanation: his own rotten childhood, how he’d neglected to bring his siblings away with him to safety, the failed relationships of his past. he just needed to run away from this, if sawyer would let him. and yet… if sawyer asked him to stay, to talk, he’d stay. that was the power of being smitten.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

sawyer knew it was gonna get bad, but he hadn’t anticipated this. it felt like there was a giant weight dropped onto his chest. like he had been shoved to the ground and stomped all over. like he was being torn apart at the seams. jace’s words were true, but they stung. “i d-didn’t know what else to do. riley is her daughter, too. i didn’t want to be the asshole who said she couldn’t see her child. and i needed the help. i have practice all the time and i thought having riley spend time with her mom while i was at practice or a game would be better than her staying with a sitter. i didn’t know things would get this complicated,” sawyer tried to explain, still feeling like he might be sick at any moment. he wanted jace so badly to tell him it was okay and that they could work through it, but the likeliness of that just kept getting slimmer and slimmer as they talked. the hand pulled away from his own hurt, but it was sorta expected as things were getting more and more intense. just seeing jace start to cry brought tears to sawer’s own eyes, though. he had always been sensitive, but he couldn’t handle watching people cry. especially not people he cared about. “jace,” he breathed out, almost literally able to see his heart shattered all over the floor. it was hard to hear how much jace liked him when there was now this thing between them that wouldn’t let them be together. not in a way both of them wanted anyway. “i know that it seems like a lot all at once, but it doesn’t have to be. i would be willing to wait if you wanted to put off dating,” he swallowed. “i know it sounds crazy, but i think that if you met them it might be easier to adapt to the idea. or if you want to continue to see each other without meeting them, i can do that, too. or, if you need to, like take some time to yourself to think all of this over... i completely understand. and i’m not gonna lie, i really really want you to give me a chance, but i would understand if you can’t. i like you a lot and i wanna give you whatever you want to make this work, but if you want me to leave right now and never speak to you again, i will.” sawyer was emotionally spent, having spilled a lot more than he was planning to. but hopefully, it’d be worth it in the end. even if it didn’t work out immediately, or even if it didn’t work out with jace specifically, it would be worth it some day. giving your heart away was the only way to truly experience happiness and love in return, sawyer believed. he was so willing to do that if it meant jace might give him a chance.

[bethesunforyou]

“You talk very loudly. I don’t need to know about someone thinking you want to their their pe-, which really only has one ending.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Okay, well, I’m sorry,” he huffed dramatically. “I’ll go tell someone who cares.”

[pxstelism]

jace’s hands felt a bit clammy, even the one caught up in sawyer’s. he didn’t do crushes and flirting and whatever this serious conversation was turning into. it had been years since he’d even so much as held another person’s hand like he was so in the midst of all the baby steps and tiny victories, having the anvil drop down into his lap caught jace completely by surprise. “a daughter?” he parroted, nowhere near as gentle and tactful as sawyer had delivered the blow. a two year old daughter meant a whole lot more than jace’s mind was willing to work with. his hand felt like a deadweight in the other male’s grip, loose and lifeless. it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be holding his hand anymore but jace needed processing time. to get involved with someone who had a kid was to step into a history in which you didn’t belong. there was a mother to that child somewhere out there and jace would forever be othered, just by being sawyer’s companion. add onto that the fact that jace was sure that not even children would like his quirky flower child mannerisms and his heartbeat felt like it could explode to bursting just as readily as it might grind to a halt. “it’s… i don’t know what it is to me.” he massaged the bridge of his nose. “are you… do you see her mother or?” jace didn’t want to be tasteless in case the worst possible scenario were true. he’d gathered up enough composure for that, anyways.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

feeling jace’s hand go limp in his had sawyer’s heart dropping. he knew this was going to happen. finally he had found someone he really liked, and that was taken away from him because of riley. he didn’t resent riley, of course. he knew that everything happened for a reason, but it felt a little unfair. he was so sure that jace felt the same way, or at least a little bit the same, but now he was pulling back. the only thing he could do was let his own hand go limp, not willing to pull it away yet. “i only see her mother when we trade off nights of taking care of riley. or, like, i saw her on riley’s birthday and on christmas. but we don’t spend time together,” he tried to explain, even though at this point it felt like his efforts were worthless. “basically, a friend of mine introduced me to minnie and at this point i was really, really doubting everything. i had been questioning my sexuality for years, and i thought that if i slept with a girl it would help me figure it out. i decided after that that i definitely wasn’t interested in girls, and she and i stopped talking altogether. it wasn’t until after she had given birth that she showed back up on my doorstep and told me the baby was mine. i was completely shocked because we had only slept together once and she hadn’t said anything the entire time she was pregnant. at first, she wanted nothing to do with the baby and said that if i wanted her i should keep her, but if not, we would give her up for adoption. so i said i would keep her. one, because i didn’t want my daughter to be stuck in foster care for any amount of time. and two, because now that i knew i was gay, i was sure that there was a high possibility i would never have a child with my dna, so keeping riley just felt like the only thing i could do. so i adopted her and minnie and i didn’t speak to each other for over a year and a half. but then about six months ago, she came back and said she wanted to be a part of riley’s life. i told her that was probably a good idea because i didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a mother and being a single father was really hard. so... we’re just passing her back and forth now. and, it’s complicated. but there are absolutely no feelings between us and i know she would be happy for me and supportive if i... found someone.”

[pxstelism]

“i run my business just fine, thank you,” jace sniffed, mock-offended. it wasn’t even his flower shop and yet he’s defensive of it, even in jest. although the smile on his face and the softness in his eyes probably completely betrayed is position and those were not things under his control at this particular moment. “i don’t just need someone to, um, do that,” he hummed, watching sawyer’s careful movements with a curious gaze. he was about to add on something to the effect of i just need you to do it when there’s a hand curling around his own. jace didn’t flinch away although his nerves were slightly on edge with the contact. it was more showing in the form of butterflies going rampant in his stomach than anything else. sawyer’s touch was as delicate as it had been when he’d cupped his face at poppy’s, a feather caressing his skin more than anything else. “yeah?” he asked, voice cracking in a way that was, frankly, a little embarrassing. he was already flushed pink, did he really need more signs of how easily flustered he could be? jace listened, watching their hands because it was safer, more comfortable. he nibbled his lip as sawyer talked about a ‘something’; he’d been hoping for a something too. but the words he was using made jace feel more like he was being broken up with, which was confusing. “something i should know?” jace repeated slowly. he knew a lot of things already but this ‘something’ was far more daunting. he waited, head inclined to the side as he gave sawyer the time to answer.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

once he knew he had jace’s attention, sawyer felt even more nervous. he was slightly unnerved by the fact that jace said nothing about what he had just insinuated. that he was, in fact, romantically interested in jace. could it have been a bad sign? or was jace just more interested in knowing the something and wasn’t worried about affirming sawyer’s beliefs because they both sorta knew? regardless, he was swallowing a lump in his throat just seconds later and nodding a little. “i have a daughter,” he spoke gently, hesitantly. “her name is riley and she’s two,” he further explained. “and it might not be a huge deal to you. or maybe it is. but i wanted to tell you because it felt wrong not to tell you. i didn’t want you to find out sometime down the road and think that i had kept this from you or i had lied to you. because she’s important to me and i love her very much. and i don’t want to hide her from you. so, if i’ve thoroughly scared you away, i completely understand. it was just something i needed to tell you.”

[pxstelism]

he shook his head adamantly, assembling a serious expression on his features. “no, no. i’ll have you to impress, see? so everything will be in prime floral glory, all neatly trimmed and pretty looking.” for the pretty boy who’s going to see it. he keeps the last thought to himself, convinced that it was much too soon to be diving into his own personal attraction to the young man who was swiftly working his way into a regular fixture in jace’s life. “believe me, you keep me on my toes more than you know.” that much was the truth, with or without reference to the organization and upkeep of the flowers in the shop (which, truthfully, would never become overgrown because of how much jace loved them). but sawyer challenging jace’s reactions and emotions? that was definitely universally true.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“and the rest of the customers aren’t worthy of being impressed? it is a business, after all. shouldn’t all customers receive the same amount of impressing?” sawyer lightly teased. the idea, though, that jace would go through the extra trouble to impress him made sawyer’s heart beat a little faster. it made him feel special, like the feelings were definitely mutual. “well, i’m happy to keep you on your toes. everyone needs someone to do that,” he grinned, picking up the plate that was sat between them and moving it to the table before very slowly scooting over on the couch. he ever so slowly reached for jace’s hand and held it carefully, afraid that if he made any sudden movements jace would be scared away. “so, um. i wanted to talk to you about something,” he started, clearing his throat and casting his glance downwards. he was afraid of overstepping a boundary, but this needed to be said. for the sake of both of them, and riley. timidly, he looked back up at jace. “i don’t know if, like, there’s something here between us. or if you feel the way that i do. but if you do, and i’m hoping you do, i think there’s something you should know.”

[bethesunforyou]

“My therapist told me I need to stop internalizing my anger, so I’m telling you that you need to talk more quietly.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“He genuinely thought I wanted to see his pe-” Sawyer stopped dead in his tracks. “Excuse me? I don’t even talk that loudly, thank you very much,” he huffed. He knew that was a lie, but being told to talk more quietly was something he got all the time and not only was it annoying, but it was rude. 

[bethesunforyou]

“Riley, no–!” The little girl darted forward with a maniacal giggle, but as quick as she was, her mother was quicker. Her hand quickly snagged the little girl’s wrist, though in a fit of toddler rage the little girl let out a “no!” and promptly dropped to the ground. The jerk forward unfortunately led to the bag over Minnie’s shoulder to fall to the ground, contents ranging from her cell phone and keys to unfinished lesson plans and coloring sheets fro the children in her class spilling all over the sidewalk. The two-year-old began to cry, skinned knees the result of her tantrum and disobedience, and Minnie sighed before slowly sinking to her own knees. “You need to listen to mommy. You must hold my hand, you need to be safe.” But even with her words, she was pulling the toddler close, trying to keep her balance while consoling her crying toddler with one hand and scrambling to collect papers a the wind began to blow with the other.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

Alex had been walking back from class when he spotted a little girl and her mother, presumably, walking on the sidewalk. He watched as the scene unfurled, the daughter dropping to the ground along with all of the contents from her mother’s purse. It was a painful sight to see, considering the daughter couldn’t have been more than two years old and the cell phone that fell from the bag must have been scratched after a fall like that. Alex was filled with an overwhelming urgency to assist.

“Hey, are you guys okay?” he asked as he gathered the items that had fallen and held them out to the mother with a warm, peaceful expression on his face.

[bethesunforyou]

“Because life isn’t a Disney movie, mostly.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Unfortunately not. I wish it was. Cute things would happen a lot more often if it were.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“I saw the absolute cutest thing today! A little boy was walking with his dad on the sidewalk and as soon as they could see the corner, the boy ran ahead and helped this little old lady cross the street. Honestly, I almost peed my pants. He was so, so cute and the lady looked so happy! Why don’t things like that happen all the time?”

[pxstelism]

“Primarily ballet since that’s what I’d like to go into but I also offer classes in contemporary, jazz and ballroom. Any one of them would be important to centering your balance, getting good activity and socialization and incorporating music into your daily routine.” She sounded like a billboard.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

Alex couldn’t help but laugh a little, the sound of her voice reigning similar to that of a commercial on television or radio. “Which would you suggest for theatre? I’m sure at least one of those classes would be helpful. Probably jazz?”

[kcthleen]

there was something fascinatingly satisfying about making lunch for jennifer & lily before they left for school. cutting the sandwiches into perfect little triangles and breaking off grapes from the bunch           knowing they weren’t for her. no body was checking to see if she’d eaten these, they weren’t hers. kat leaves the two plastic containers on the counter, before announcing she was going for her monday weigh in. she slips back up to her own studio flat, and pulls on her coat, adjusting herself in the mirror one final time before leaving. 

nineteen now, kat attends the clinic by herself. it’s good. she likes to be alone. she likes the feeling of independence. the hour she spends there goes the same as every other she’s spent. every wall, every surface painted and decorated to make the place seem friendly are glaringly, obviously fake. three years and the place still feels about as friendly as a prison cell. they weigh her. she’s still not improving, they say. they remind her of a year ago, when she had managed to get her weight up an entire stone. she remembers her mother catching her putting weights in her pockets. 

kathleen is sitting on a park bench, just a couple of blocks away from the clinic, drinking from her water bottle. she’s people watching         people … judging. judging them by their size and their style. it’s then that she spots a familiar face. she tucks away her bottle into her satchel, and speeds over to them.

“ long time no see, bub. ” her tone is playful, as she gives them a reassuring smile. “ you might have seen me though             did you see the teen vogue spread, or nah? ”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“I did! Of course I did! I only look for you in every magazine ever,” Lyla replied excitedly, offering the girl a hug in return for her enthusiastic greeting. “You looked gorgeous, as always. How’re things? Getting any better?” she asked, feeling the breeze against her skin as they stood there in the park.

[pxstelism]

“It’s not creepy! Or, well, if you say it’s not I believe you. I’m pretty much there or at the gym all the time anyways. I teach quite a few beginners courses if you’re interested? Our doors are always open.” For a cost, of course, but that was implied going through a studio.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“What kind of classes do you teach?” he asked, turning his focus even more on the conversation. His acting was decent, but his dancing needed some work. It wouldn’t hurt to get some lessons, even if it was just a beginners course.

[jccks]

“Doesn’t make it any less true. Do you not call a workaholic one even if he has to be around his job all the time? I’m just saying.” He retorted back to her, the familiar smile soon turning a crooked smirk once he absorbed the look she was giving him – he couldn’t help but to think that it was a fun game he was playing. Nodding as she spoke, he shrugged slightly as he crumbled the empty plastic into his hands and tossed it into his bag. “If I want to stay in shape and keep the muscle I got, I have to. There’s not much of an option, Liv. Plus, I’m also around the medical field with injuries that take place on and off the field. It’s not like people can choose when and when not to get hurt. The majority of the time, anyway.” He corrected himself, a raised eyebrow following as the brunette’s questions were gradually being reciprocated. “If I say yes to either of those questions, would you do it?”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

Olivia wanted to say no so badly. She wanted to storm out and leave without giving him what he wanted. Hadn’t she done enough for him already? Getting up out of bed and going to his house, on her day off, to get him a stupid shake? And yet, she found herself wanting to say yes. Wanting to be on his back. Or on the ground underneath him. Or just sitting beside him. What the hell was wrong with her??? Things were so confusing with Kramer. She couldn’t stand him, and yet, she had already gone and done that favor for him when normally she would have blown it off. And now here she was, ready to give in again. “Maybe...” Olivia mumbled, refusing to make eye contact with the boy. The blush creeping up on her cheeks was getting harder and harder to fight off.

[tristamateer]

Sometimes I think I resented you so much it felt like love.

Trista Mateer, excerpt from “Texts I Shouldn’t Have Sent to My Ex” available in The Dogs I Have Kissed (via tristamateer)

[jccks]

“They are. It’s a great way to clear your mind. I guess I’ve gotten used to it being a stress reliever. And the exercise definitely doesn’t hurt.” Noa agreed, her irises moving from side to side to capture the view of the sky above them. Before long, her hesitation soon turned into a quick nod, her eyes meeting to see his. “I wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to.” The blonde concluded, pulling at the hem of her cardigan out of fluctuating nervousness.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Sure thing,” Alex nodded primly, falling in step with the girl and letting her take the lead. As they walked, he let his hands slip into the pockets of his jacket. There was a slight breeze when he left home this morning and he figured it was the perfect weather for his favorite windbreaker. He hoped the cardigan this girl was wearing was enough to keep her warm. “I’m Alex, by the way. I don’t think we’ve met.”

[jccks]

An exasperated chuckle fell out of the taller male’s mouth, running a sweaty hand through the mop on his head. “If I’m a gym freak than I guess I could call you a baby freak. Since you’re around babies all the time,” he countered, shrugging as he took another small bite into his granola bar. “I’m probably here more than I am at home, so you’re not wrong.” Kramer agreed as his gaze fell straight into Olivia’s light hues, a small smile staining his lips casually. A brief pause fell upon them as he considered the possible answers he could give her. “You’d get to watch me lift some weights, do some sit-ups – and hey, if you want to, I can do push ups with you on my back.” He suggested, nodding in satisfaction with his sustained response.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Okay, but being around babies is my job, Kramer. It’s not like I spend much time with them outside of work. Whereas with you... you’re probably here even when you're not working, aren’t you?” Olivia gave him another look, one that read as: you can’t tell me I’m wrong. “Right, exactly. I’m not wrong. But I guess I’d rather be called a baby freak than a gym freak. Babies are cute,” she said very convincingly. “When I think of a gym freak, I think of someone who has muscles on their muscles and is super intimidating.” However, this gym freak happened to be just the guy who thought he was super cool because he was an athletic trainer. Oh well. Same thing. “And why on earth would I want that? That sounds incredibly boring,” Olivia rolled her eyes. “Do you often do push ups with someone on your back? Or would it be a challenge for you? Because I’m all for giving you a challenge.”