moonchild;

[sunshinemuses-blog]

the sad part about all of this was that sawyer really liked jace, enough that he was ready to push minnie away to have jace instead. of course, he wouldn’t do that now. not when he had only known jace for a month and a half. but that was the thing; they had talked enough over that month and a half that sawyer had become so enamored and smitten with jace and the thought of losing him when he only just now knew the man could be his was heartbreaking. he wanted to take back every single word he said about riley and continue to make the flowery boy smile, but telling the truth was a lot more important. if this was going to work at all, it would only work with honesty, trust, and communication. “i’ll do that if you want,” sawyer nodded gently, spirits lifted just the slightest bit when jace fit their hands together again. it was reassuring. it meant that jace still wanted him, even if it was just for comforting in the moment. “and if you change your mind in any way, we’ll go from there. you’re a lot smarter than me, and i’m sure you know what’s best for you. i would never force you into anything, so if you feel stuck or uncomfortable at any point with anything, just let me know and we’ll fix it.”

[pxstelism]

“i don’t know what i want but that’s what i think we should try,” he corrected in a voice barely above a whisper. he left his hand in sawyer’s, less like deadweight now as he allowed his thumb to brush over the other male’s knuckles. “i really like you,” he added, in repetition of what he’d confessed to earlier, hoping that maybe it wouldn’t feel so tense if he said it again. jace blinked slowly, assessing what sawyer was offering, what he was willing to do, just to even have a chance at them being together. it made jace feel, admittedly, a little bad for how he was reacting but it’s not like it’s something he can actively help. he still felt passionately about the subject matter. but, he also felt passionately about sawyer in general and that had him letting out a sigh, squeezing his hand, and laying his head down to rest on sawyer’s shoulder. “okay. that all sounds okay.” he agreed. as with most social interaction, it was starting to drain the flower boy of his energies. usually, he didn’t get this way around sawyer but this was a special instance and he just wanted to sag. life was heavy sometimes. “i’m glad you’re not, um, not cross with me.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

sawyer knew it was gonna get bad, but he hadn’t anticipated this. it felt like there was a giant weight dropped onto his chest. like he had been shoved to the ground and stomped all over. like he was being torn apart at the seams. jace’s words were true, but they stung. “i d-didn’t know what else to do. riley is her daughter, too. i didn’t want to be the asshole who said she couldn’t see her child. and i needed the help. i have practice all the time and i thought having riley spend time with her mom while i was at practice or a game would be better than her staying with a sitter. i didn’t know things would get this complicated,” sawyer tried to explain, still feeling like he might be sick at any moment. he wanted jace so badly to tell him it was okay and that they could work through it, but the likeliness of that just kept getting slimmer and slimmer as they talked. the hand pulled away from his own hurt, but it was sorta expected as things were getting more and more intense. just seeing jace start to cry brought tears to sawer’s own eyes, though. he had always been sensitive, but he couldn’t handle watching people cry. especially not people he cared about. “jace,” he breathed out, almost literally able to see his heart shattered all over the floor. it was hard to hear how much jace liked him when there was now this thing between them that wouldn’t let them be together. not in a way both of them wanted anyway. “i know that it seems like a lot all at once, but it doesn’t have to be. i would be willing to wait if you wanted to put off dating,” he swallowed. “i know it sounds crazy, but i think that if you met them it might be easier to adapt to the idea. or if you want to continue to see each other without meeting them, i can do that, too. or, if you need to, like take some time to yourself to think all of this over… i completely understand. and i’m not gonna lie, i really really want you to give me a chance, but i would understand if you can’t. i like you a lot and i wanna give you whatever you want to make this work, but if you want me to leave right now and never speak to you again, i will.” sawyer was emotionally spent, having spilled a lot more than he was planning to. but hopefully, it’d be worth it in the end. even if it didn’t work out immediately, or even if it didn’t work out with jace specifically, it would be worth it some day. giving your heart away was the only way to truly experience happiness and love in return, sawyer believed. he was so willing to do that if it meant jace might give him a chance.

[pxstelism]

“i don’t want to meet them,” he answered, maybe too fast. “or... i mean...” jace was starting to feel uncomfortable now, needing to withdraw into the shell of isolation that kept his anxious tendencies at bay. his legs lifted up onto the couch, tucking up close to his chest. it was hard, moisture still pricking at his eyes, not to run to his bedroom, to safety, to just cry about how miserable his existence was. he couldn’t even be a decent date. his chin propped on his knees and slender arms wrapped pitifully around his now tucked up frame. “i shouldn’t meet riley. not know. child psychology says ---” he snapped his mouth shut, not about to launch into another too-factual rant, “you don’t know if you want me permanently. we - we clearly don’t know each other all that well yet. she’s still at an age when, um, she needs permanence.” the custody situation cropped up sourly in the back of his mind. he swallowed his commentary on it though. except for adding the relevant thought, “i wouldn’t want to meet someone who abandons her child.” to jace, it didn’t matter that she had come back. it didn’t even matter that sawyer and the child’s mother were on good terms. jace can only draw from his facts and from his past and both of those had him in extreme dislike of anyone who would neglect her parental duties to that extreme for a year and a half. it was the only statement he’d delivered without a stutter, waver or hesitation and nothing the pretty boy with eyes the color of himalayan poppies was going to change his mind on that rigid fact. “thing is...” he started, the thickness returning to his voice immediately. “i... i don’t know what i want. and -- and i don’t know if this can work.” he wiped his eyes with the heels of his hand. “but i can’t lose you either. not before i even got the chance to be... to be properly yours. or something.” slim shoulders lifted in a shrug. all his gangly limbs tucked up small, he aimed to be as unimposing as possible (not that it was possible to even be imposing with a crown of flowers). “i’m not the type of guy people want to be with f-forever. i’m not even the type of guy people want to be with for a little while.” he stayed in his pitifully hunched little form until he felt like he’d start crying again at the sight of sawyer’s tears so he reached out to slip his band back into the other male’s. “can we do the thing where we keep... keep seeing each other? without meeting them.” he wasn’t convinced that was what he wanted but he didn’t want to not have any more froyo dates, flirtations in the flower shop or snack sharing on the couch. he might be able to give that up tomorrow but certainly not today.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

feeling jace’s hand go limp in his had sawyer’s heart dropping. he knew this was going to happen. finally he had found someone he really liked, and that was taken away from him because of riley. he didn’t resent riley, of course. he knew that everything happened for a reason, but it felt a little unfair. he was so sure that jace felt the same way, or at least a little bit the same, but now he was pulling back. the only thing he could do was let his own hand go limp, not willing to pull it away yet. “i only see her mother when we trade off nights of taking care of riley. or, like, i saw her on riley’s birthday and on christmas. but we don’t spend time together,” he tried to explain, even though at this point it felt like his efforts were worthless. “basically, a friend of mine introduced me to minnie and at this point i was really, really doubting everything. i had been questioning my sexuality for years, and i thought that if i slept with a girl it would help me figure it out. i decided after that that i definitely wasn’t interested in girls, and she and i stopped talking altogether. it wasn’t until after she had given birth that she showed back up on my doorstep and told me the baby was mine. i was completely shocked because we had only slept together once and she hadn’t said anything the entire time she was pregnant. at first, she wanted nothing to do with the baby and said that if i wanted her i should keep her, but if not, we would give her up for adoption. so i said i would keep her. one, because i didn’t want my daughter to be stuck in foster care for any amount of time. and two, because now that i knew i was gay, i was sure that there was a high possibility i would never have a child with my dna, so keeping riley just felt like the only thing i could do. so i adopted her and minnie and i didn’t speak to each other for over a year and a half. but then about six months ago, she came back and said she wanted to be a part of riley’s life. i told her that was probably a good idea because i didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a mother and being a single father was really hard. so… we’re just passing her back and forth now. and, it’s complicated. but there are absolutely no feelings between us and i know she would be happy for me and supportive if i… found someone.”

[pxstelism]

his stomach was churning with something that felt disgustingly like self pity. of course, the first person jace likes in ages has a complicated history that makes them being together all that much more unlikely. he regretted the thought as quickly as it entered his head, knowing that he was making it seem like sawyer was to blame for some negative feeling washing over jace when, really, it was his own thoughts wreaking the havoc. jace’s experiences in the world were limited, far much more so than sawyers had been, evidently. sawyer had gotten someone pregnant, had a child and had a sexuality crisis on top of it all. it did soothe some part of jace’s overactive imagination, anyways, to hear that sawyer did identify as gay. it felt less like he was a homewrecker for that reason. but it still made him frown when he described his daughter being abandoned on his doorstep, practically, and then how minnie just traipsed back into their lives with no repayment of her earlier faults. “you just took her back? just like that?” he blurted out, never one to stay alert to social cues. his opinion might not be wanted but he couldn’t help the disapproval that washed over his features. “single parent households fare much better than split parent households -- for the benefit of the child. a constantly changing environment, passing her back and forth, is awful for her development and growth plus as she grows older, she’s not going to have the relationship of her parents to --” jace cut himself off, flushing in embarrassment and quickly snatching his hand out of sawyer’s. this situation was going from bad to worse in his mind. “sawyer...” he tried in a gentler voice, holding his own hand to his chest with an uncertain expression creasing his brow. “i really do... i do, um, appreciate you telling me. and you being honest.” he played with his fingers idly, fidgeting and hoping the flare up of his anxiety quieted the roaring in his mind. “i--i like you. i really, um, really do. but i don’t... i don’t know if i...” his eyes started welling up with tears all on their own and he dropped his gaze to his lap frantically, a petal falling from his crown of flowers. “whatever you need me to be for you right now, i don’t know that i can. i’m not -- not the type of guy who adapts to things well. and this is a lot and it feels serious and i don’t... what’s best for that child right now is not a dad with a s-socially awkward, um, boyf--i just. she needs you and her mother. that’s it. not me.” he was leaving so much out of his explanation: his own rotten childhood, how he’d neglected to bring his siblings away with him to safety, the failed relationships of his past. he just needed to run away from this, if sawyer would let him. and yet... if sawyer asked him to stay, to talk, he’d stay. that was the power of being smitten.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

once he knew he had jace’s attention, sawyer felt even more nervous. he was slightly unnerved by the fact that jace said nothing about what he had just insinuated. that he was, in fact, romantically interested in jace. could it have been a bad sign? or was jace just more interested in knowing the something and wasn’t worried about affirming sawyer’s beliefs because they both sorta knew? regardless, he was swallowing a lump in his throat just seconds later and nodding a little. “i have a daughter,” he spoke gently, hesitantly. “her name is riley and she’s two,” he further explained. “and it might not be a huge deal to you. or maybe it is. but i wanted to tell you because it felt wrong not to tell you. i didn’t want you to find out sometime down the road and think that i had kept this from you or i had lied to you. because she’s important to me and i love her very much. and i don’t want to hide her from you. so, if i’ve thoroughly scared you away, i completely understand. it was just something i needed to tell you.”

[pxstelism]

jace’s hands felt a bit clammy, even the one caught up in sawyer’s. he didn’t do crushes and flirting and whatever this serious conversation was turning into. it had been years since he’d even so much as held another person’s hand like he was so in the midst of all the baby steps and tiny victories, having the anvil drop down into his lap caught jace completely by surprise. “a daughter?” he parroted, nowhere near as gentle and tactful as sawyer had delivered the blow. a two year old daughter meant a whole lot more than jace’s mind was willing to work with. his hand felt like a deadweight in the other male’s grip, loose and lifeless. it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be holding his hand anymore but jace needed processing time. to get involved with someone who had a kid was to step into a history in which you didn’t belong. there was a mother to that child somewhere out there and jace would forever be othered, just by being sawyer’s companion. add onto that the fact that jace was sure that not even children would like his quirky flower child mannerisms and his heartbeat felt like it could explode to bursting just as readily as it might grind to a halt. “it’s... i don’t know what it is to me.” he massaged the bridge of his nose. “are you... do you see her mother or?” jace didn’t want to be tasteless in case the worst possible scenario were true. he’d gathered up enough composure for that, anyways.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“and the rest of the customers aren’t worthy of being impressed? it is a business, after all. shouldn’t all customers receive the same amount of impressing?” sawyer lightly teased. the idea, though, that jace would go through the extra trouble to impress him made sawyer’s heart beat a little faster. it made him feel special, like the feelings were definitely mutual. “well, i’m happy to keep you on your toes. everyone needs someone to do that,” he grinned, picking up the plate that was sat between them and moving it to the table before very slowly scooting over on the couch. he ever so slowly reached for jace’s hand and held it carefully, afraid that if he made any sudden movements jace would be scared away. “so, um. i wanted to talk to you about something,” he started, clearing his throat and casting his glance downwards. he was afraid of overstepping a boundary, but this needed to be said. for the sake of both of them, and riley. timidly, he looked back up at jace. “i don’t know if, like, there’s something here between us. or if you feel the way that i do. but if you do, and i’m hoping you do, i think there’s something you should know.”

[pxstelism]

“i run my business just fine, thank you,” jace sniffed, mock-offended. it wasn’t even his flower shop and yet he’s defensive of it, even in jest. although the smile on his face and the softness in his eyes probably completely betrayed is position and those were not things under his control at this particular moment. “i don’t just need someone to, um, do that,” he hummed, watching sawyer’s careful movements with a curious gaze. he was about to add on something to the effect of i just need you to do it when there’s a hand curling around his own. jace didn’t flinch away although his nerves were slightly on edge with the contact. it was more showing in the form of butterflies going rampant in his stomach than anything else. sawyer’s touch was as delicate as it had been when he’d cupped his face at poppy’s, a feather caressing his skin more than anything else. “yeah?” he asked, voice cracking in a way that was, frankly, a little embarrassing. he was already flushed pink, did he really need more signs of how easily flustered he could be? jace listened, watching their hands because it was safer, more comfortable. he nibbled his lip as sawyer talked about a ‘something’; he’d been hoping for a something too. but the words he was using made jace feel more like he was being broken up with, which was confusing. “something i should know?” jace repeated slowly. he knew a lot of things already but this ‘something’ was far more daunting. he waited, head inclined to the side as he gave sawyer the time to answer.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

it was so nice having jace there next to him. sawyer spent a lot of his time around riley, her mom, and his own mom and sisters, and while he loved them dearly, he missed being around boys. especially cute boys like jace. “it’s not?” sawyer asked, amused by the tone the other had used. even if jace had said what he’d said jokingly, it had made sawyer’s heart flutter and he was loving it. he had missed the feeling of gentle flirting and soft caresses. “but if i drop by, won’t that take you away from the plants and make them even more overgrown and weedy?” he hummed thoughtfully, head tilting to the side as he looked at the pretty boy with flowers all tied up in his hair. he truly was a vision. sawyer had to wonder if jace had any thoughts like this about him or if the feeling was completely one sided.

[pxstelism]

he shook his head adamantly, assembling a serious expression on his features. “no, no. i’ll have you to impress, see? so everything will be in prime floral glory, all neatly trimmed and pretty looking.” for the pretty boy who’s going to see it. he keeps the last thought to himself, convinced that it was much too soon to be diving into his own personal attraction to the young man who was swiftly working his way into a regular fixture in jace’s life. “believe me, you keep me on my toes more than you know.” that much was the truth, with or without reference to the organization and upkeep of the flowers in the shop (which, truthfully, would never become overgrown because of how much jace loved them). but sawyer challenging jace’s reactions and emotions? that was definitely universally true.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“What kind of classes do you teach?” he asked, turning his focus even more on the conversation. His acting was decent, but his dancing needed some work. It wouldn’t hurt to get some lessons, even if it was just a beginners course.

[pxstelism]

“Primarily ballet since that’s what I’d like to go into but I also offer classes in contemporary, jazz and ballroom. Any one of them would be important to centering your balance, getting good activity and socialization and incorporating music into your daily routine.” She sounded like a billboard.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be creepy or anything. I just happen to see people in there most times I walk by,” Alex explained. “It’s nice seeing people doing what they love to do. I should really take a dance class.”

[pxstelism]

“It’s not creepy! Or, well, if you say it’s not I believe you. I’m pretty much there or at the gym all the time anyways. I teach quite a few beginners courses if you’re interested? Our doors are always open.” For a cost, of course, but that was implied going through a studio.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“you grow veggies, too? what kind? i’ve been meaning to get more in my diet. i would even pay you for them, of course,” lyla asked eagerly.

[pxstelism]

“sort of a lot of, um, everything? bell peppers, radishes, beets, onions. i’d be reasonable in, like, selling them. and if you put in your order for monthly or something, i can get you first pickings?” he smiled amiably, nodding his head.

[pxstelism]

"the sun is staying out later and the temperature is going up which is a very good sign that i’ll be able to start my windowbox garden again.” he’s been growing all the plants indoors with sun simulating bulbs before this point but his small apartment is getting cramped. “so if you had any, uh, requests for herbs, flowers, or veggies you wanted planted, just lemme know and i’ll see what i can do.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“You’re welcome! It’s true, you know. You always look cute. I walk by the studio almost every day and I always see you on the bar and you just look so peaceful.”

[pxstelism]

“That’s so nice of you to say... I guess I am in my element. I didn’t know anyone could see in but, I mean, I’m really flattered!”

[aurelie-dupont]

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“Hey, you look really cute today,” Alex greeted the person with a smile. “April Fools! You look cute every day.”

[pxstelism]

“Oh!” she smiled, turning towards the speaker. “I thought that was going to be really rude, just then. But that’s actually so sweet, thank you.”

[wellscadfort-blog]

His heart was beating faster, sweat dripping from his joints, knuckles burning. Wells didn’t accept the fact that he had limits, and the last five minutes of training were always the worst - through a doctor’s point of view. In his opinion, however, the more breathless he was the more he had to train; he couldn’t risk getting tired in front of his opponent. So what if he (sometimes) took a nap right under the punching bag out of exaustion?

This time Wells managed to exit the gym before feeling his legs wobble and fail him. He tripped right on the last step of the stairs, almost falling head first on the ground. Fortunetly, his arms slowed down the impact, and only his forehead hit the ground. Or, better, what he assumed was the ground, but was actually the tip of someone’s shoe.

[pxstelism]

“oh my god...” shiloh gasped, only having just enough time to register the person leaving the gym was falling before he collided with her feet. “are you alright?” a dumb question since, obviously, he’d just taken a nasty topple and she felt partially responsible for any harm. “you poor thing... here, let me just...” the girl crouched down beside him, hand pressing delicately to his forehead and then to his cheek, assessing the damage. she worried her lower lip in between her teeth as she awaited some sort of response from him besides the groan that had left his lungs at the collapse.

shiloh had been on her way in as he was on his way out. her dance bag slung over her shoulder, she had every intention of adding her cardio into her all day workout regimen but now had obligations to play nurse before that could happen. not that shiloh minded -- it was simply a cause for panic and concern at the present moment.

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“i know, i’m just anxious that this is some sort of joke and if i get excited about it someone will find joy out of disappointing me or mocking me or something,” olivia spoke truthfully. “i know that sounds stupid but honestly. it’s a possibility.”

[pxstelism]

“if you react like this to genuinely nice things, no one’s going to want to do anything nice for you, liv. i honestly don’t think that’s a possibility. it’s just a little note, like, it can’t be a mean joke if there’s literally nothing mean about it? best case scenario, someone’s crushing on you. ‘worst’ it’s just a nice person passing on a nice message. i really don’t get how you can think otherwise...”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

the tips of jace’s toes under his thigh wasn’t missed by sawyer. he dug his nails into the palm of his hand to hide his excitement, but kept his attention on the man. “you think so? i’m glad someone understands my frustration,” he hummed, moving over just the slightest bit so jace’s toes were even further under his thigh. “but enough about the silly grapes. how’ve you been? how’s poppy’s? it feels weird that i haven’t been there for over a week now,” he laughed. he had made too many excuses to see jace and he couldn’t think of any more now. besides, he really was busy this past week with work and riley. “you’ve kept everything under control, right?”

[pxstelism]

jace nodded, nothing but genuine sympathy notable on his features. he took note of sawyer adjusting, briefly fearing that his gesture had been unwelcome and the other was about to move further away. instead, sawyer tucked jace’s toes even more firmly under the warmth of his thigh and the curly headed boy’s cheeks heated up. he nearly blocked out the conversation, he was so focused on their one point of contact. “nothing is the same without you...” he started dramatically, eyes wide as he looked over at sawyer. “it’s really weird not having to wait on a customer hand and foot. i miss it.” thing is, he’s being entirely genuine. not many people let him follow after them, rambling about plants. “i think i’m going to need you to drop by -- the plants might be overgrown and weedy without you there.”

[sunshinemuses-blog]

“it’s not like i don’t hope for anything at all. just… not something i know i could be horribly disappointed by, that’s all. i’m not generally this pessimistic, it’s just how things have turned out this time that i’m being cautious is all.”

[pxstelism]

“okay good... you had me a little worried you were living a life entirely devoid of hope. i guess i don’t see the point of being cautious to the point of pessimism though. what’s the worst that could happen, honestly? you’re not in love after just one note so you can’t have your heart broken -- if anything you might be breaking theirs!”