it's all about connection

in quasi-recovery from anorexia for 2 years now & working very hard on creating a good life for myself · in therapy and on medication · 22

[sunsoothe]

Please be careful with your choice of words! This isn’t a “lifestyle”, eating disorders are MENTAL ILLNESSES and not something you choose. We have to educate each other on this to fight stereotypes and stigmas

[sunsoothe]

hey i know that your eating disorder is making you feel as though being skinny is THE biggest goal in your life, but let me tell you, it's not just weight that you'll lose: i've lost years that i'll never get back due to my ED. i've lost opportunities, i've lost a chance at a normal student life, and hell, i could've graduated already!! don't let it steal your life from you, because it will, it will steal YEARS that you won't get back ever

[sunsoothe]

quasi recovery is hell, basically no matter how well i'm doing i always come back to the dilemma of either start listening to my ed more again bc i've "gotten out of hand", or i have to fully let go of that and really go for recovery. but i never dare to, the strict voice is too deeply ingrained: it's connected to the whole part of me that cannot accept myself. i feel like i cannot escape this cycle

[sunsoothe]

it's been a while since I've been on this account mostly because i was doing pretty well, but mannn I've been going downhill these last few quarantine months, mentally speaking. I know I've gained some weight and I'm going insane, i wish it didn't affect me this much

[sunsoothe]

I'm having a really hard time with food and weight and body image. I used to be skinny. I'm like... a 6 now. And I know I don't see myself realistically so I like numbers. But in media no one ever weighs more than 120, like MAX, so at 145 I feel like I must just be so disgusting, and if I tell anyone what I weight they'll think that, and I don't know what to do.

hey you, i don’t know when you sent this message and i’m terribly sorry that i haven’t been on here for such a long time.. still i hope you read this. firstly i’m sad to hear that you’re struggling with weight & body image, i know it’s such a painful and sometimes even furiating thing. the thing is, these numbers are so so useless within real human experience. our eyes cannot perceive BMIs when we look at someone, we cannot scan how much someone weighs; hell, it’s even difficult to guess someone’s height! and that’s the next thing, those numbers, lbs or kg or whatever we use, they don’t mean anything because it differs per person’s height and body structure. 145 looks different on everyone. about the media,, i know that sucks and it’s draining and honestly i don’t know where you got the idea that everyone weighs max 120 lbs, but i promise you that’s not the case. it tells a lot about what media you’re consuming, it might be an interesting experiment for you to unfollow certain accounts on social media that make you feel bad about yourself, or in a more subtle case make you wish you looked like that (that’s fuel for your negative self-image!). The idea that people would find that number disgusting is based in your negative self-image too, and it’s a reflection of how you look at yourself. people don’t look at you with such bad eyes, you’re your own worst critic. 

i hope this all doesn’t come across as preachy, but maybe it can help put things into perspective a bit! i tell these things myself too because goddamn it’s hard. i wish you all the luck on your journey and i hope you reach out for help, you deserve that (as corny as that sounds it’s true!) much love x 

[sunsoothe]

helloo everyone, i haven’t posted anything since Christmas! whew. and now we’re in this strange state of the world. over the last months i have had ups and downs within recovery but i’m still at it! i can sense that my ed has been pulling more now that we’re advised to stay inside and i cannot visit my friends or go to uni, but mostly i can work against it (and also i’m just happy to be in a relatively good place and have a healthy family). I hope you are all managing as best as you can with everything happening, and on top of that fighting your eating disorder. it’s tough out here but i hope you feel strong!

[lovethatlastsalifetime]

Gentle Reminder for the holidays:

The worst part about anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, is that it doesn’t take breaks on holidays. You don’t get to just “turn it off” for Christmas....

So try to be kind to yourself this holiday season.

You’re doing your best.

And that’s enough.

Try to breathe and enjoy what you can...

And don’t beat yourself up when you can’t.

Wishing you a peaceful holiday season. ❄️🌲☺️🌲❄️

[desultory-suggestions]

I’m going to be okay and no one can change my mind.

[recoversuggestion]

hey,,,,it’s okay to need more help. it’s okay to admit that you’re slipping. that’s what recovery resources are for. they’re for u, right now

[sunsoothe]

some of us read posts that try to discourage ED behaviour, but instead see that as motivation: all the posts talking about blue lips and not having enough energy, about being lonely because of your ED. why does this phenomenon exist? Why do we have daydreams about almost dying, or about what our loved ones would do when we die? Why do some of us crave the pain, and romanticize the realities, the gross consequences? I must admit that on the one hand I have had these daydreams before, and that it grosses me out on the other hand. But I think it would be bad to trash-talk it straight away, we should be address this more openly. And we should be asking ourselves why do i want to hurt myself? what do i really need? what can i learn from this? why don’t i talk about this with someone? do i want help? 

[sunsoothe]

saw some really disordered answers on my pro recovery posts just now and ugh that makes me so sad,, even a bit frustrated (but that’s also my own ED feeling threatened): sarcastic jokes, or just straight up saying that discouraging ED posts make you want it more; that’s your ED speaking. That’s your ED actively working on you being stuck in this mess longer. I can’t stress enough how that is NOT what you need. what you need is working on self-acceptance and accepting help and love and warmth and connection. no matter how much it makes your eyes roll (mine sure did). no matter how alien it feels. after a while the self-deprecating jokes get old, and you’ll be in your 20s or 30s and think fuck, why didn’t i fight earlier? 

[sunsoothe]

eating disorders are isolating. they make you secretive, too exhausted to go out, and are often combined with depression and/or anxiety, which are isolating illnesses too. you don’t want anyone to know about your food rules or behaviours (which might have you eating alone a lot of the time), you work out in secret, you don’t want anyone to see the bodychecks on your phone, you cancel events if there’s food involved, you might get annoyed at other people’s eating behaviours or mentioning of food/exercising and thus hang out with them less and less, and other people might want to hang out with you less because your personality changes (and not for the better). In the end you won’t have the brain capacity or the energy to hold much of a conversation, and the only thing that’s on your mind anyway is food. don’t let your ED steal your life from you

[mulletlove-deactivated20200811]

questions to ask yourself when you want to use an unhealthy coping mechanism

why do i want to hurt myself? what will blaming myself reinforce? who taught me i am not allowed to make mistakes? who benifits from this?

am i feeling overwhelmed? what’s really bothering me? can i write it down? what am i avoiding thinking about?

am i reacting rationally? what would i tell a friend who was experiencing this? what can i learn from this? isn’t that what’s important?

am i god? do i control everything? is worrying going to serve a purpose?

[blooooom]

i don’t know who needs to hear this but the only way through is to go inward. there is no magic fix to all of your problems because without the necessary healing you will never evolve mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from where you are now. work on the things outside of you, of course, don’t neglect any aspect of your life. but prioritize your inner work, your healing, your growth, your evolution, because without that foundation, nothing can really stand.

[sunsoothe]

i’m having a harder time with my body image lately 💔 what are some things you do or tell yourself when recovery gets tough? 

[sunsoothe]

what’s quasi-recovery if you don’t mind me asking?

hey, of course not :) quasi recovery basically means that you aren’t fighting for recovery 100%, there’s parts of you still holding on to your ED, and certain aspects of your ED (e.g. some rules, limiting certain food groups) are still in your life. Full recovery would mean fighting these things as hard as you can (even if it doesn’t always go right), but in quasi-recovery you just kinda,,,, leave it. you’d be able to live a “healthy” life this way, but still be very disordered. There’s still a lot of fear and anxiety about your eating patterns and body image that you’re acting on. xx

[sunsoothe]

i really like your account💕💘💖💗💓💞💝

thank you so much ❤❤❤