Every time you stifle a sneeze, the force of the sneeze cannot simply disappear from existence. It must manifest elsewhere, often causing a small creature to explode or a chef’s hat to fly off into the air. La toque blanche. The chef’s hat. Why is it shaped like a mushroom cloud? Because they both sure can cook. And why is a mushroom cloud shaped like a mushroom? Not many people know this, but out in the forest, right where every mushroom grows, there used to be a tiny Japanese city, so tiny that even David the Gnome could commit accidental genocide just by taking a poop without looking. Ironically, Gnome Poop is highly sought after in Japan, because of its mystical properties and because it tastes good on sushi, for people who can’t handle wasabi. Here in America, Gnome Poop’s mystique is somewhat overshadowed by that of Unicorn Seed! the hip new soda pop that all the kids are guzzling on the street corners. Its popularity has been hugely fostered by product placement in popular films. For instance, in the film “Muscular Hooker 2”, Will Smith’s character takes a dramatically-framed swig of Unicorn Seed! and then suddenly grows a CGI erection which extends into infinity, and then Will Smith’s mind explodes, and the movie ends. For that scene alone, Roger Ebert gives the film 3 and a half stars. Not many people know this, but movie critics have a finite amount of stars they can award in their lifetime. They are often kept in a vault, heavily secured to prevent a senile Scrooge McDuck from wandering in, mistaking the stars for gold coins, and swimming in them. This is for Scrooge’s own protection, as the stars have sharp edges and would lacerate his body into a bloody feathered pulp.
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