I am willing to hug tight those broken pieces of you to share with your pain. But it was you who refuse to.
For almost 21 years living this world, I have never been this happy. Since the first day I met you, I knew you're gonna occupy a big space in my heart (knowing that you're fluffy and cuddly lol, kidding). And so, the happy days have started. And a happy personality of me outshined the darkest of my pains and fears, and the deepest of my tears. You never failed to make me smile everytime we meet, or talk, even. I learned to treat you not just as a boyfriend but also as my older brother and my bestfriend. As the time passed by, we then learned of how damaged each other was due to different aspects of our lives that has been fully designed to challenge us. You are from an unusual family setting, while I was a victim of bullying from Grade 6 to 2nd Year college, straight. And for that reason, I became paranoid, and a panicky person who always thought I was the one being laughed at by persons just having good time in the jeepney. I never had legit friends, or the kind of friends who I can call whenever I need to, compared to you who has a lot of friends, true friends, even. Though I feel the love of my parents, sometimes and unintentionally, they made me feel like I am unwanted, and that I have a negative attitude, that I'm like the black sheep, and that my younger sister is aways better than me in every aspect of life. I know that life has thrown you greater damage that it had given me. You were like a shattered mirror on the floor- still walked on by many. (It would be disrespectful for me to put your life in details in this post so I better leave the summary like that.) But, inspite all of those things, we never failed to support each other. We were each other's critique. We we're each other's backbone. I embraced your totality. I embraced the shattered you even though it hurt me more than it hurt you. I always reminded you to get rid of your vices because it will do you no good. I always wanted the best for you. But you wanted a different 'best'- the 'best' where you actually forgot about me, the 'best' where you seem to not need me as long as you are happy with other people in your life, the kind of best where I am not involved. But I guess that's always how it is. You will always be left behind even if you give your all. I served willingly and silently as your cushion, to absorb the pain as much as I can so you won't be more damaged than you already are. But it seemed, cushion is not what you needed. Or maybe, your friends are more than enough for you to even need me. And for that reason, I maybe am more damaged than you are for trying to protect you from the smallest pains. Since I was born, I have never been as happy as when we're together. Basically because nobody even wanted me as their friend at school. I learned how to be independent. But for almost 3 years, you made me feel like I belong to this world, and that I mattered. But you seem to got used of it. Maybe you don't see me as the girlfriend you can be happy with because we were too different from each other, aside from both being extraordinarily challenged by life. Maybe you want that 'not as boring' chick for yourself. Or maybe I was not good enough. And, it's okay. I understand. I always understand. As I write this, I promise myself not to talk to you anymore. And I will. If ever you get to read this, please remember that I did not stop loving you, from the day we first met until now, and for the rest of my life. I did not stop loving you. I just stopped breathing for myself as I have always breathed air in for you and always for you. So in that case, I now need to breathe for myself. I need to find myself again because I was so lost loving you more than I can ever love myself. I'm breaking it up not because I'm out of love but because it's just too much to bear. I am exhausted more than I am pained. I never stopped loving you. And I never will. Because you are worth loving, always remember that. Live a life worth living, mahal. Make your parents proud. Those will be the best things you can give me. And if this really ends here, don't forget the lessons you learned from me and from this relationship. Please never forget that one day in your life, there was a Jam who loves you for almost 3 years and counting. Never forget that one day in your life, a smile from me has made an 'us'. Never forget that one day in your life, there was a girl who was beyond willing to hug tight the broken pieces of you- even if it hurts her more than it hurts you.
