Here’s a bit of a transparency post...I’ve been torn between discussing and posting or not. For my own mental healing and clarity, I’ve decided I would. So here we go...
In 2009, I entered into divorce #1. A single working mother of 1 kiddo. Life was difficult but sometimes still a lot of fun. I dated on and off, maintained my career, etc
..fast forward to 2010, I start dating a guy, who we will call “Dude” from here on out. He was a friend of a relative so we had known each other for a few years prior to dating. He was great, fun to be around, a provider, sensitive to my needs, etc. In late 2010, I found out I was pregnant, he was supportive the entire time. Moved into my apartment, helped with bills and my daughter. We gave birth to a feisty ball of fire in July 2011. Things were great! We eventually purchased a home together (thought for financial reasons, my name was not on the property as an owner). In 2016, Dude proposed while on a trip to Vegas, of course I said “YES.”
In February 2017, Dude got sick, suffering from a traumatic brain injury (TBI), which was caused by medications he had been taking since he was a teen. That didn’t stop us from wanting to pursue this thing called life together. In July 2017, we got married. TBI is tough...there were some challenges, but nothing too big or so we thought. In September 2017, after returning to work, Dude suffered a 2nd TBI. At this point medical professionals decided to take him off of his medications which were believed to have  been causing the issues, this meant...more SURGERY! Sadly, the 2nd TBI left Dude disabled. Unable to work, meant that I was responsible for EVERYTHING! Though Dude was still able to contribute to the household financially, it was nothing like before. Substantial DECREASE! So here I am a mom, a wife, and the only employed person in the home. I quickly became the chauffer, the cook, the maid, etc.
It was May 2019 when Dude told me he wanted a divorce. He was not happy with the financial choices I was making and quickly made allegations that were untrue. We attempted counseling, which left him angry and storming out. I attended individual counseling after being diagnosed with depression and experiencing a few panic attacks. In all, the marriage was unable to be saved. I received divorce papers and a call from an attorney 2 days after our anniversary. We had agreed on a move-out date of December 1, 2019, this would allow me time to save money and find a place for my girls and I to reside. Yep! he wanted the house all to himself. Dude began having anger outbursts. On September 16, 2019, Dude came home, angry...very angry. He began cussing, screaming, accusing, all negative things....and then....it got physical. Dude pushed me off of the bed, throwing my belongings. Choking Me. Putting me out in only a nightgown. My kids were watching...two daughters. Witnessing a man becoming physically and verbally aggressive with their mother. The person who had taken care of everyone!  My girls were terrified. Working in the field of criminal justice, I knew I had to do something, I knew this wasn’t a behavior that would just cease. I called the police. He was arrested. There was an Order of Protection filed, he never showed up to court. He was ordered to complete some classes and the case would then be taken off of his record. I moved into my parents’ home even though I could’ve taken the house, yep, the judge asked if I wanted to stay there and he leave. I couldn’t, the fear and pain in my children’s eyes, wouldn’t allow me to send them back to a place where they had witnessed violence.
The next two years seemed to move in slow-motion...a pandemic put a halt on the divorce. During this time, Dude made little effort to visit with our daughter. In the beginning I was ok with that, she was going through counseling to process the things she had witnessed and to process the changes that were occurring. But as time went on, it pissed me off, the person who had seen his daughter daily her entire life, seemed to no longer be interested in that bond anymore. I’ll admit it is better now since the divorce is finally final and there are visitation procedures in order.
I say all of this to say, I was hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, hell even financially. It has taken a lot of time for me to process all of the emotions. I know that TBI puts a person in a different space, but in the end it put me in a different space as well. The fear of being close to someone, allowing someone to love me, take care of me is a constant battle. I am slowly learning to love again and allow myself to be loved the way I am meant to be. I am not sure that I have fully forgiven Dude...in fact, I know I haven’t. I am trying my best...I have however learned to hold my tongue a little when he says or does things to piss me off....it’s not easy. I was told that in order for me to receive the blessings that are out there for me, I had to forgive. I am Angry and Hurt. Angry from the entire situation, knowing that I cared for someone and nursed them to health, anger that I did what needed to be done in the home despite putting my own financial and mental health needs in jeopardy. Anger that my children had to witness this. Anger of being another statistic. I am ready for these feelings to just go away.
Now that I have gotten this off of my chest, I am ready for the healing and love to flow in.
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