Welcome to my little online recovery diary!

my little online diary and record. I'm learning to live life to the fullest and thrive after a decade of not doing that. warning, there will be typos on this blog.

[classycookiexo]

[brightandblossom]

There are absolutely still lots of positives going on in my life. Despite my recent sad girl musings.

So I did something cool. I took myself on a date. I got a coffee and bought myself a piece of jewelry, which I realised I had never done before. Like a proper necklace, in a box, that wasn't a gift from someone else.

It has a green adventurine in it, that symbolises bringing optimism and direction into one's life. Which seems pretty apt for right now!

[brightandblossom]

Ok. For a while there I was in a funk. A serious funk. Sorry for the recent sad posts!

But I think I just had a moment of realisation.

Its like all my dreams from my "pre illness" life have returned. I miss song writing. I miss my music and creativity. I miss feeling like I could date and flirt and have a first kiss. I feel like the city I am in just inst doing it for me anymore.

It makes me so sad that I can't go back in time to be the young "teenager" about to start her journey.

But I am not exactly old. I have life left in me, and music in my head still that I need to get out there.

[important-animal-images]

[brightandblossom]

Update. I watched off campus and it has been THERAPY for me.

[brightandblossom]

I graduated today. It feels kind of weird. Everyone says that the graduation must have been one of the best days of my life... but the reality was, it was a little confronting.

My ego ( who likes to get attention) wants to tell people that actually, graduation was HARD.

It was hard because I was confronted with the strange bittersweet reality of my recovery over the course of my degree. Yes, I finally fully recovered after 10 years (YAY!) but I also found my self mourning the many missed experiences in my 20s.

My entire early 20s was spent worrying about my health, hospital visits, feeling weak and scared, not being able to form relationships with people, and being told I might not get better. Now I am in my 30s, and life is so different. I am healthy, I have energy and passion and love for people again... and my career seems to be going well. But I also still feel like that girl who's social life paused at 18.

But I also know that everyone goes through stuff, and I don't want to continue to identify with my past, or make a big deal about it, or try to get sympathy points.

So for now, I will just smile and nod and say "yes, I am so pleased to be done with my degree!".

[brightandblossom]

Oh to be a gardening sim. Wearing the same clothes everyday, going to sleep at the tough of a button, friendly neighbours and zero rent.

[kosmogrl]

[scribeherself]

[brightandblossom]

Sigh. It seems our current house is getting sold, and I have to move again.

It SUCKS and I am so disappointed. However, it's amazing to see how differently I handle these unexpected changes.

I didn't spiral. I had dinner, stretched and slept well. This morning feels like a new day and I just have to keep my head up and hope I will find a new place that is even better in ways I don't realise yet.

[landsccape]

[kisxmesoft]

[brightandblossom]

Is it just me, or are "pick up artists" the biggest turn off?

Just to be clear, I am not wanting to judge those who enjoy this kind of pick up culture, but there is something I find absolutely repellant about anyone using "techniques" and "games" to curate some kind of fake attraction from a girl.

For example, I have been on dates where the guy would immediately try to awkwardly find a reason to touch my shoulder, or he would give me slightly back handed compliments, or talk about his amazing social and financial success like reading of a script.

As soon as I realise I am talking to someone who thinks using psychology, and behavioural techniques to manipulate and "speed run' human interactions is cool, I feel instantly put off.

I grew up in a world of performers and marketers, the LAST thing I want is to feel that same energy in relationships or a fun hook up.

[perfectfeelings]

“I want to love and be loved more than anything else in the world.”

— Marilyn Monroe

[thepeacefulgarden]

[brightandblossom]

I just found out about the passing of Stephanie Buttermore.

I don't really know what to say. I know she never knew me, and I never really knew her. We live in completely different parts of the world... and I don't really know if anyone reads the random things I post on this website.

But I still feel I need to write about her impact. I found her content in 2022. During an extremely lost and stuck part of my life. She was the first person that finally got me to listen to my body. I was stuck in a permenant state of hunger - trying not to let my body change. She documented her own journey of allowing that energy to rebalance, gaining curves and balance around her hunger and showing the real, raw challenge of becoming curvy in a world where being incredibly slim is rewarded.

I am grateful to her for showing me that I had to find my internal health and happiness, rather than the external standards that were causing me to be in state of permanent hunger and stress.

Thanks so much girl. Rest in peace.

[brightandblossom]

I feel like if you want to be successful at anything... you have to be promenant in social media... and that sucks.

If I want to try something new or try to make money from a creative job, I wish I could do it in private, rather than turning my personal social media into an online ad.