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@support-for-survivors
Please take care of yourself first. There are other blogs that people can get support from while you're out of action and it's far more difficult for you to get better if you're too busy helping everyone else to give yourself the time you need. We understand, we ALL have times like that.
Thank you <3 Messages like this mean a lot to me :)
I'm really sorry to all the people who have sent me messages so far, my mental health is in a bad place currently and I'm finding things difficult. I will try to get round to your messages as and when I can but I can't promise anything just yet.
is it true that abusers say that their victims were abusive? does this mean that im wrong and i was abusivr? i just got out of a toxic friendship- we were too close, aand when my ocd hit the fan they told me i was being selfish and wanted nothign to do with me. i understand how i hurt them, but, was i abusive? and what about my mother? my rapist? was i wrong th ewhole time?
Often abusers attempt to disguise their abuse or try to reframe themselves as the victim by saying that the person that they abuse is their abuser, a tactic my mother employed a few times. This does not mean that you are abusive, more likely than not you aren't an abuser or abusive. It sounds like you are aware that some of your actions may have hurt or upset someone else, abusers often lack awareness of anyone but themselves. I don't think that you are an abuser.
My boyfriend of 4 years has recently started getting aggressive & dominant during sex, which was fine with me, but last night he wouldnt take no for an answer & even had my hands tied so I couldnt stop him. How do I make him stop acting this way?
You might be able to talk to him about his behaviour and tell him that no means no but that situation really doesn't sound okay for you to be in. Perhaps it was only once but by staying with him you could be taking the risk of more than once and that's not a good situation to be in. It's up to you on how you classify what happened to you but know that it was not your fault and that he should have listened to you. If someone constantly, and violently, violates your boundaries they are not a good or safe person to be around
I just made a side blog about PTSD, CPTSD, and scapegoating abuse within the family. You can ignore this if this goes against some rule I didn't notice but you can also feel free to signal boost as well. Thank you! tumblr/lifewithptsd
Putting this up for people who need it :)
Past matters. Every thing that happen to you matters.
you don’t have to stuff it down, and you don’t have to forget. (via furiousgoldfish)
With Mother’s Day around the corner, remember that all the things your abusive mothers told you are wrong. It hurt to have them invalidate you, to mistreat you, but don’t for a second believe you deserved it. You’re an amazing individual who deserved a mother’s comfort and love.
Hey, to that anon w/ the abusive sister. That's not how sisters act at all. I'm the oldest kid, I have two little sisters. I'm so sorry she treats you like that, a big sisters job is to protect and support you, not abuse you.
This is for the anon asking about their sister. Thank you :)
CONT I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him about this, that it feels fucking awful. That I'm not lying. That I as an autistic am even less likely to lie than others (because that requires extensive assessment of how they will interpret my words etc). I've told him that I feel invalidated, that I feel as he is taking the right to decide that my feelings aren't true but he says that "that's just my opinion, I don't have to believe you" which is true? What do I do? Help!!!
From what it sounds like, he's making you feel invalidated which is not good. No partner should make you feel bad about yourself or that you are not allowed to feel or express yourself. Obviously it is more difficult to assess because of the intersection of two different mental health issues but generally he does not sound good for you. Sometimes certain ways of phrasing things can upset people with borderline and it can be difficult to console them into realising that you just phrased what you meant incorrectly, however his reaction seems far more aggressive than it should be, although bursts of anger are often a part of being borderline, if you want to keep the relationship going then talking to him about his outbursts and that it invalidates you might be a way to go, if he continues to hurt you like this breaking up may be the best solution. Staying with a partner that hurts you is not a good idea but ultimately the decision is yours. I hope this helps, even a little
My partner has bpd, and he constantly accuses me of lying. I am autistic so sometimes I say things in a way that seems harsh, and when I try to explain what I mean, or even if it wasn't something I said but just something he interpreted, he still claims that I am trying to talk my way out of something, that I'm bullshitting to get out of "trouble". This makes me feel awful. I feel humiliated when I trust him with the most vulnerable parts of myself and he just says he doesn't believe me. CONT
Answer in second half :)
I've been physically/emotionally abused by my mother and it looks like I will be able to see a general therapist soon, but my problem is that I do want to try and recover from my abuse yet I'm terrified at the prospect of bringing it up with my therapist and having my mother find out. I'm of age and i do not want to have anything offically filed. I'm worried since my own mother is paying for my therapy and I really don't want anyone else to find out about my abuse, especially not my mother
In terms of England (this what I know because I live here) if you or someone else is in danger they have to, by law, try and tell someone. The therapist normally tells you this before you start the therapy, though if you don't live in England I'm not 100% sure what the law is there. So if they think that your mother will hurt you or someone else in your family again they may need to report it to social services but generally they do not tell your parents, I believe. If any of my followers have a bit more experience with this, please add it on :)
(Sister anon again) I also feel very guilty because a lot of people mainly my mother chalk it up to sibling rivalry and it always makes me think if I just made the whole abuse up. I feel like such a bad person bc what if I did make it up? Is that how sisters act? Does one normally get bullied by their older sister? Do they get criticized on everything from their friends to actions to their hairstyle? And at the end of the when she tells me she loves me is that supposed to make up for everything?
Someone saying that they love you does not mean that you should forgive their violence. I've only got younger brothers so I can't say that yes, all sisters act one way or the other but if she's actively harming you physically or emotionally then that's not okay, no matter how you're related (or not) to that person. It may be worth trying to sit your mum down and talking to her privately about what's been happening to you and that it's not okay but only do that if you feel safe and comfortable doing so. It is never your fault and you aren't making this up, if she's making you feel bad enough that you are questioning what she's doing to you, then you aren't making it up.
I think Im just venting but idk I find it hard to love other people and love my self and I think it's because my parents always made it hard for me to love myself. I'm overweight and my mom always commented on that. She never complimented me on anything and always found something wrong with me. The emotional abuse I suffered for a long time really makes me frustrated because they don't even know what they did and I don't have any proof to show them or others I try to, but can't, love enough.
Venting is absolutely okay. My mother also used to do this to me, and it completely distorts how you see things, especially if you're actually not overweight but even if you are, it's cruel and abusive. Sometimes doing silly things like whenever you see yourself in the mirror saying to yourself that you are beautiful and worthy of love (or some other similar mantra) it will eventually help you with self image. Saying things enough times, even if they start out with you not believing them, usually end up becoming more true. Personally, I found that once I left my parents house things became easier in terms of how I saw myself and the way I looked because they weren't there to tell me I was fat. In terms of loving people, it's a slow process, which makes it even more irritating, I understand but sometimes you can experience love in ways you would not expect, but even if in the end you still feel that you cannot love people to a fuller extent, that's okay. It might be best to invest in a therapist/counselling in order to try and help with that part.
(Anon w/ abusive ex friend) therapist says stalking and smear campaigns and threatening to isolate me from family is abusive, but when I mentioned to them that they had scared & hurt me before they used that as more proof l was an abuser because abusers are known to call their victims abusive. Everything I do is abusive in their mind even me trying to hide from them.
I wish there was more I could do but I think you'll will have to stick with the people who do believe you, or if you can, find some new people to be around because there's no one way to prove that someone abused you, and if these other people will only believe your abuser it may be time to find new people. Again, I wish there was more I could do, but I'm always here to listen and I do believe you, even if no one else does.
What do you do when your past abusive friend is also a survivor and calls you their abuser? They have made up "proof" and I don't and everyone believes them because they can twist anything to their favor. All survivor resources are unsafe for me now because they believe them over me.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, abusers often twist the truth to make you seem like the abuser to other people in order for them to be able to continue abusing and top garner sympathy. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do if these other people won't believe you, other than keeping strong and knowing it's them, not you. If any of my followers have any tips, that might be helpful too :)
Wow that’s some bullshit?
How to be a shitty parent
how is this shitty parenting if i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there. Shit my mom would have been out looking for me.
Right? How is this shitty at all?? If i tell you to be home at a certain time you better be there or else you aren’t allowed in the home. I care about my kids safety so much I’ll endanger them when they dont listen to me.
i do not have the energy to explain why this is a shitty thing to do but yeah it’s shit
I do! If you’re gonna be a vindictive little shit to your kids, you shouldn’t be having them. Having abusive parents like the ones up here fucked up my perception of love and affection.
I got locked out of the house all the time just like this poor kid. Do you know how fucking cold it gets at night? NO because you’re cushy and comfortable behind those decorated glass doors! I slept in 30 °F weather. I was on the swim team so I had to wake up and run with the team at 5 am then go to class. I’d wake up with frozen hair and bugs crawling on me. I’d start crying and it would rain fucking cold water. I had no friends in the neighborhood to go to. I’m still somewhat scared of the dark.
There’s wild animals and predatory strangers and shit out there. You’re gonna put your fucking CHILD in that situation and FAIL to be their guardian at one of the most important times of day just because they made it home late? Kids make fucking mistakes, and if you aren’t prepared for that, you shouldn’t even have pets. You’re not a caretaker, you’re a lazy abusive perfectionist snot. I’d kick your ass if you were my neighbor and I saw you pulling this shit! No joke!
My roommate talks all the time about how if her kids mess around she’d smack them around, but she and a LOT of other people do not understand that punishments like those are abuse. They fuck your kid up for life.
If you leave a kid out in the cold they’re more likely to get into more trouble/danger to keep warm anyway. Who’s gonna take your kid into their home? Do you even give a shit what happens to them? No because you wanted to play god and get back at someone who is still developing. Be a fucking adult.
Your kid is not a robot. It’s so shitty these parents have done this kind of stuff before and have NOT given the kid a blanket.
Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.
SOME FORMS OF ABUSE & NEGLECT:
*Rejection, ignorance and isolation
*A lack of shelter
*Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
*Deliberate locking children out of the house
So if you think pulling this childish bullshit is ok, I will break into your house and steal whatever funds it takes to care for your child. I’ll fight you in the morning because you’re a garbage human being.
Stop teaching your damn kid they’re worthless. YOU made them.
Stop being your child’s enemy, start being their actual fucking caretaker.
Just so y’all know… in the state of Texas, this is grounds for me to call CPS on your ass.
And I will, too.
Same in Illinois and I fucking will.
TBH all the people coming out in support of locking kids outside for missing curfew need to just not have kids
Reminder that one of the victims of Ted Bundy (the serial killer) was locked out of her house because of missing curfew, and he offered his “help.”
This can get your child KILLED.
Also, not everyone chooses to get home late.
There may be traffic, or an accident of some kind, or they may simply have a shit sense of time or direction.
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological injury that results from prolonged exposure to social or interpersonal trauma, disempowerment, captivity or entrapment, with lack or loss of a viable escape route for the victim… such as in cases of:
domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull,splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long term exposure to crisis conditions.
When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed.
This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before.
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