Surviving Trauma

#HelptheBadbeGood. The bad is never ending high alert status that is your life, your mind, your body. 

[survivetrauma]

Its so hard to be present when you mind is stuck in the past

[survivetrauma]

Super Power of PTSD

I can spot a Narcissistic bull shitter a mile away. Assholes think they can play mind games to fullfill some twisted sense of who they want the world to see them as. Do they not know that people with PTSD have an unbelievable sense of intuition and common fucking sense. We are survivors Fucker! Take your bullshit somewhere else or better yet get fucking help!

[survivetrauma]

Happy memories

I hold them so close to my heart. I can hear your voice, I can see that grin on your face, those silly sayings. How I long to hear you again. 1 more minute with you. You were my rock, my anchor in the stormy choas of my life, my Dad. I miss you, I know one day we will see each other again. Until then, I will hold on to the happy memories.

[survivetrauma]

Why is it

Why is it that out of about 86,400 seconds in a day all it takes is a nano second to send me into a anxiety, panic, fearful, stressed person?

[survivetrauma]

My compassion comes from my pain. My heart breaks for everyone I just want to ease thier burdens, help them, fix them.

How odd that the compassion I have for others I find hard to bestow on myself.

[survivetrauma]

Ive seen the worst in people but I keep on looking for the best in people. I have Faith that there are good people. Never gonna stop looking for the good, my PTSD will not stop me from getting to know the good, it is comforting to know there is good. Some days its harder than others to even look for it but Im gonna keep on moving forward.

[survivetrauma]

I am either bad or good - no grey area here. For my family who has done me dirty there are a lot of grey areas.

Me For them - awe its ok because blah grey area blah.

Me For me- you worthless piece of shit

I need to work on finding the grey for myself, forgive myself, know that if I fall I can get back up.

[survivetrauma]

I started to dream of getting away from him, I was not afraid anymore. It took me 6 months to successfully escape and another 2 years hiding from him. WORTH every minute!

[survivetrauma]

I was reminded today:

NEVER diminish your story to make it easier for someone else.

Easier for someone else to hear

Easier for someone else to know

Easier for someone else in anyway, shape or form

You are a victim and freeing yourself of the pain and anguish is your #1 job. If its too hard for them to hear F them.

[survivetrauma]

Try to find that peaceful moment in your life. Albiet just a moment but that tiny fraction of time could be the only thing holding the broken fragments of you life together.

[survivetrauma]

I taught myself not to cry with the blow of my abuser's fist I held back everything, blacking out to a swing set and the sun on my skin. 

[survivetrauma]

Flashbacks & Memories

After my escape I stayed locked up in my sister's apartment, venturing out cautiously here and there. Always looking over my shoulder, using the basement exit, anything to keep under the radar. I went were I knew Police would be, were my family was, were I thought I was safe, were I knew how to exit quickly. I knew if he ever got me he would kill me.

[survivetrauma]

[survivetrauma]

Too Much

I worry to much

I cry to much

I get scared to much

I care too much

I get hurt too much

Too much is Too much

[survivetrauma]

There is no sanity in my silence, my thoughts scream too loud.

[survivetrauma]

Change is terrifying for someone with PTSD but in order to alleviate some of the PTSD you need to change.

[survivetrauma]

My thoughts were once a place I would go to escape reality, remove myself from feeling every crushing blow to my body.

Now my thoughts are filled with everything I once sought refuge from, I can not escape them.

How ironic. How funny how the brain works.