Surviving Ghosts

Fighting off Ghosts in my head Firefighter/EMT on her PTSD journey. Mom of an angel

[survivingghosts]

You are so missed baby Riley Gray 💙💜

[survivingghosts]

Dear someday baby,

We have been fighting so long and hard for you. If I’m being completely honest, we are tired, my love. We are tired of the same heartbreak that comes every month that you aren’t here with us.

But as long as there is the slightest bit of hope, we won’t give up. We know you are worth every second of this journey.

We can not wait for you to say hello with those two pink lines one day. We can not wait for that first ultrasound of your precious heartbeat that’ll most certainly make us cry the second we hear it. We can not wait to give you all the love we’ve been saving up.

So when you finally decide it’s your time to arrive, we’ll be ready with arms wide open.

Love, your someday mama 🤍

[survivingghosts]

So today has been a lazy but productive day.

I woke up at 630 and have been getting stuff done.

I’ve been working on my emt recert all morning and then I stopped to take a break and get up and move. Which led me to start a list of goals for myself over the next year.

Be better to myself

Be better to others

Be a better me

Be a better wife

Set two days to hit the gym and slay

Set 15 minutes every day to take a deep breath in pure silence and just breathe.

Become a better stronger equestrian with the new opportunities that have arisen

Become a better stronger horseman and build a stronger relationship with Medallion as we overcome challenges

Overcome the challenge of feeling defeated by unsuccessful steady weight loss

Stop focusing on the scale and start focusing on the person within me and my well being

Start building a space where I can focus on me and my education as I make my way into Nursing School

Most importantly learn to love myself for who I am 💜

#goalgettermindset

[survivingghosts]

Today is Day 14 of sobriety. Today is day 14 of forever. Today is day 14 of being the best me I can be.

The last two weeks have taught me my own strength and have taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Over the last couple of years, I let alcohol encapsulate my life. It was my security blanket, it was my comfort. It was my numbing agent from the pain and nightmares.

The last two weeks have some of the best times of my life and I am so thankful to have the support from my family and friends that even though these weeks have been trying on me, I continue to fight my demons!

Here’s to a happier and healthier me!

[remanence-of-love]

[survivingghosts]

Day I Dont Friggin Know 2.0

Today started off rough by waking up late and heading to work with no deodorant teeth not brushed hair in a disheveled mess and yet my brain still going in 9000 directions. The one thing I kept telling myself was to not quit and not give up. I went and worked 12hrs with some pretty strenuous clients and then after went and took care of me and hit it hard at the gym 💪🏻

[bittersweetbutterfly]

Always sweetie, always.

[stillborn-stillloved]

[survivingghosts]

Day I Don’t Friggin Know

The last week or so has been hell, the panic attacks, the tears, the everything it hurts.

The PTSD, the loss of my baby, and everything else has come crashing down on me. I feel helpless I feel heavy I feel nothing but numb.

I just want to feel like myself again. I have again turned to alcohol to cope and I can’t keep coping with booze. I need help. I need support. I need you. I wish you were here sweet baby D. I always wonder who you would be who you would look like what you would like everything I wonder.

Daddy and I miss you dearly baby D

Mommy will be okay I promise but until then I love you so much forever and always baby 👶🏻

[survivingghosts]

One year old

Yesterday you turned one. Yesterday made a year since we said goodbye to you sweet boy.

Daddy and I love you with all of our hearts and we wish you were here with us.

Happy birthday sweet baby D

Love

Mommy and daddy

[survivingghosts]

Do I need to say more?

[xpleaseremember]

[nikstar]

For all you angel mommies. #miscarriage #stillbirth #pregnancyloss #pain #hurt (Taken with Instagram)

[bittersweetbutterfly]

Always sweetie, always.

[basicallybasickayla]

[survivingghosts]

Christmas Without My Baby

It’s been three months since we said goodbye Baby. As we prepare for Christmas we wish you were here. Daddy and I were talking about you today and what this summer would be like if you were here Beautiful baby❤️

You sweet child of mine will forever be my angel a top of the tree ❤️ the twinkle from the star ⭐️

We love you Sweet Baby D❤️

Mommy and Daddy Love you forever and always sweet baby

Merry Christmas To All and All A Good Night⭐️🎄

[survivingghosts]

Three Months

It’s been almost three months, three months on Friday... we said hello and good bye in the same day...

You entered and left the world on the same day. You may have come and gone but you will always be my baby ❤️ Your daddy and I talk about you all the time and wonder who you would look like and who you would be and what you would be like ❤️

Daddy I think misses you more than he shows every time he sees a baby he lights up.

We miss you Baby D ❤️ this week has been rough. Between Friday being three months since we said see you later it’s mommy’s birthday and then Christmas is next week. This would have been bumps first Christmas ❤️

We love you Baby ❤️

Forever and Always

Here’s to you and you being three months old ❤️