suryadi, micah.

when you leave her out to rot by the side of the road, when she learns there is nobody left to return for her soul; everything gentle about her becomes brittle, every tenderness turns.

[suryadis]

julian.

         He doesn’t mind explosive jealousy nearly as much as he should. And he figures she doesn’t mind love-struck rants half as much as she claims. Eyes roll and he shakes his head, scooting closer to the teenager as she goes on. Lanky fingers seek out tan features, thumb resting against smooth skin as he insists she turns back to face him.  ❛  How does never work for you?  ❜  They hold a meaning, the words, beyond what one would suspect. They act as a promise of a future he can’t foresee. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. The phrase echoes in his head but he shakes it off, letting his focus be entirely dedicated the younger. Events beyond his control aren’t left out of the vow, and though intentions are to keep the words escaping him— the universe doesn’t always agree with the boy.  ❛  You’re such a fuckin’ child.  ❜  The accusation that would come off harsh leaves his lips resembling affectionate, and the smile tugging at his lips confirm any suspicion. 

she’s LEARNING---- that not everything she touches will leave her, that she doesn’t have to fight with claws & fangs against an enemy that comes in amnesty; an enemy that isn’t one to begin with. micah’s annoyance at the whole situation still burns, but his touch is warmer and it soothes her------ and as she should, she fights it. kinked brow, slightly pouty lips; she’s grumpy, at least externally, because he has too much power and she’s not WEAK. except she is, sometimes, and she’s never been in too much control of herself.  ‘  could be arranged,  ’  she agrees with reluctance, only because she can hear her heartbeat in her ears and it’s all because of him; deafening. with a scoff in feigned offense,  she quirks an eyebrow and puts both hands on his chest, as if she were to push him away without any actual force to it.  ‘  ---- sure am! and you loooove this fuckin’ child, so what does that say ‘bout you, huh? not so creepy now that i’m eighteen, is it?  ’

[suryadis]

julian.

          Sometimes he wondered whether she argued just for the sake of it. If she was as unaware of his feelings for her that she seemed to be. She couldn’t be. A huff of air leaves the older, Julian trying to defuse the situation before it blows completely out of proportion.  ❛  Yeah, apparently I do.  ❜  He chimes in, nearly interrupting the younger’s statement. ❛  Seeing as my GIRLFRIEND can’t even stand me as much as talking to another girl. Seriously, Micah– what do you think’ll happen?  ❜  Sentence poses questions he doesn’t want answers to, so he leaves no time for her to cut in.  ❛  I mean, how many SAPPY speeches do you need to get that I’m kind of, completely, fuckin’ OBSESSED with you? Your words. What; you need me to blurt out that I love you for a second time? – - ‘Cause, you know, I do.  ❜  

it’s instinctive---- this possessiveness that tends to cloud her judgment. it’s not as much as believing julian could dump her for another, but as to ensure she will still have a place to come home to against all chaos and disaster, because every time she’s had something within her grasp, it’s violently taken away. micah tries to cut him off just as he did, but he keeps going and it feels like she’s being SCOLDED. just out of spite, she avoids eye-contact, arms folded and a childlike glare paints on tan features.  ‘  god... don’t have to get all lovey-dovey,  ’  she murmurs by the time he’s done, and paying no heed to the fluttering his words cause in her tummy.  ‘  if i wanted to throw up, i’d just go to the fuckin’ haunted house ‘nd witness that mess by myself.  ’  looking to julian’s opposite direction, she continues,  ‘  ‘kay, so maybe----- maybe that was... too much---- the whole thing. i mean, ‘s not like i’m that jealous----- no piano wires involved yet, right?  ’      

[suryadis]

julian.

          He knows she’s right, but Julian Apolskis has never been to admit being WRONG. Space isn’t put between them because he doesn’t WANT to, though a contributing factor is the message it’d send.  ❛  She’s just… fucking terrified of that shit, okay? I thought it’d be funny.  ❜  Explaining the reasoning behind it isn’t going to get her off his back, and he isn’t sure why he bothers. Instead, he rushes to his defence with one better. ❛  We’re just going as FRIENDS… Holden’s coming, too! And you– I wouldn’t go without you.  ❜ 

‘  so... you’re goin’ with Millie what’s-her-name,  ’  she starts, putting some distance between them if only to face him, groomed eyebrow arched.  ‘ instead of me----- your GIRLFRIEND. ‘s like you’re askin’ me to be your FOURTH fuckin’ wheel, you realize that right?  ’  arms fold over her chest, her expression denoting that, well... she’s not here for this. micah scoots away a bit, sight cast toward the tv and a small pout forming on plump lips.  ‘  fuckin’ terrified, ’  she repeats his words, low-spoken, before her voice rises again.  ‘  if she’s so scared maybe she shouldn’t GO. what’s the point, anyway? wanna show off your bravery? your protective prowess? so she can hold your hand like a scaredy-toddler? TOTAL CATCH. you sure know how to pick ‘em!  ’  

[suryadis]

julian.

          He’s not an idiot, and he knows better than to take her word for it, yet he does. Awkward shifting in current position and his throat is cleared.  ❛  I kinda promised Molly Phillips I’d take her to the haunted house next weekend…  ❜  The confession isn’t much, though knowing his GIRLFRIEND it’s enough to set her off.  ❛  Like… months ago, kinda forget about it ‘till now.  ❜  

her smile is FORCED, caustic & concocted, brewed out of her characteristic jealousy. all of her face muscles are strained, for she’s fighting against her automatic response to anything that poses a threat---- ATTACK. it is in vain, though, because as much as she commands her brain to act like a eighteen year old, she’s always been more bite than bark.  ‘  ----- maybe you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.  ’

[suryadis]

julian.

@suryadis !!

          He should’ve taken Holden’s offer, and for a moment: he’d considered it. But, eventually, she’d find out the truth. And Julian would rather it was from him than someone else. Besides, if it didn’t mean anything– why keep it a secret. They are inches away on the couch, watching some crappy horror movie his mom had rented & waiting for the older’s departure before moving any closer. Digits intertwined with the younger’s, and gaze locked on the screen ahead; attention, only superficially, being given to black & white pictures.  ❛  I need to tell you something,  ❜  It sounds more ominous than intended, but it’s too late to retrieve the statement.  ❛  And before I do, – think you can PROMISE not to kick my ass? I’d ‘preciate it.  ❜  Yeah, he’s not doing a very good job at making this out to be a light-hearted conversation.

it’s like she’s embracing his arm with both of hers, but only one hand’s lucky enough to hold his. dark locks cascade down his shoulder as her head rests against it, hazel hues lost in images that she no longer pays attention to. the title of the movie’s long forgotten, for his presence alone takes her somewhere only they exist. but, of course, he has to RUIN it by being HIMSELF, and julian bursts this cozy, peaceful bubble she was gleefully in. micah doesn’t move an inch, but his words cause her body to tense. there’s nothing in particular that she’s bracing herself for, but god knows she’s going to hate whatever comes out of his mouth.  ‘  sure,  ’  she says, and it’s futile because she knows herself and he knows her---- promises cannot change what’s so naturally her.  ‘  out with it.  ’

[suryadis]

julian.

           For a moment, he considered pulling away: allowing the girl to return to his anger, and him to the life he’d chosen. One on his own, without casualties. Though as arms wrap around a larger frame, relief washed over the older. And in the process, his own grew stronger: keeping the embrace lasting, refusing to let go off Micah Suryadi for as much as a second. Eyes closing, features buried in disheveled locks. Though the words that left the brunette cut deep, and Julian felt guilt manifest in his chest. Forcing himself to put space between them, if only a few inches, he finally faced the teen in what seemed to have been an eternity.   ❛  I won’t. —– Promise.  ❜  

lashes flutter before her eyes close, reveling in the contact she had missed for days on end. she knows her previous action will avow her tears, and in result, they will slide down flushed cheeks. even if the promise of an uncertain future is a glist of hope, this is a TRAGEDY and she’s sure to remember that. they’re too young, they’ve been through enough, and death takes and takes and takes and gives nothing in return.  ‘  i missed you,  ’  not that it isn’t obvious, but she allows herself to confess in the lowest voice, a confession that would’ve gone unheard had it not been for the current distance between them. as brimming hues lock with his, micah’s fingertips brush against his skin, trailing the outline of his jaw, of his lips and nose like she wants to memorize him for a future she wishes never comes, and she kisses him like she’s making up for all the times she didn’t and couldn’t and won’t, and hopes, as tears drop from the corners of her eyes,  that he won’t mind the taste of her sadness.

[suryadis]

KITTY.

❛ Just the SURFACE. Everyone’s got shit, you know —- something FUCKING their life up. Maybe I’ll send you out to fight  s c o u n d r e l s  if I ever need some ᴅᴇꜰᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ after they become my something ——- y’know, not … paying taxes, returning engagement rings life tips. Being ᴳᴼᴼᴰ enough of a person to come knocking at the door offering help life tips. It’s a depressing 𝙚𝙣𝙫𝙞𝙧𝙤𝙣𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 we’ve got going on, kid. HERE. ❜ Hand extended towards the other, gripping a glass clinking with ice floating in lemonade. 

‘  right. it’s nothing, really. so... you were engaged?  ’  although she wasn’t usually this quiet, micah was still the girl that lived in their basement for... well, months. she just had to adjust. after a sip of lemonade trickles down her throat, she adds,  ‘  you’re kinda young.  ’

[suryadis]

PAULINE.

        ❝ but they do! if you like it or not. well, from what i remember —– you’re pretty good with that. i can be nice to you & i’ll prove it to you . . right here! so, how’s julian? ❞

‘  ... fuck’s sake. y’know what? i’m gunna walk away now ‘fore i give you somethin’ else to remember that by.  ’

[suryadis]

JULIAN.

          He wasn’t strong enough, physically, to stand up on his own. Not for an extended period of time, at least. But for a few seconds, he could. And those seconds were put to use, foot planted onto hardwood floor – arms pulled the teen into his space. Micah providing him with stability in every fucking sense of the word.   ❛  I’m sorry.  ❜   His voice is lower now, muffled against a smaller frame; already feeling the dreadful unsteadiness inching closer. And not the physical uncertainty, but the one more emotional. Tears veiled chestnut tones, and Juli did his best to fight back the urge to let go; to no longer hold back every emotion dwelling within. 

her body isn’t responding---- it doesn’t for a moment. should he be moving? did his leg need more time to heal? did he even have any physical rehab to help him through the adjustment? her mind swirls with questions she never asks, and it feels like her brain is going the extra mile while her body----- well, her body isn’t responding. it doesn’t for a moment. something strikes right through her and stuns her--- was it guilt? did she go too far? but again questions that never get an answer she buries down, and the new page she turns is tear-stained and she realizes everything’s a blur, and even if she’s silent, her voice is shaking and so is her heart. arms wrap around his torso and---- god, how much she’d missed his warmth. she clings to him as if someone would take him away the second her grip looses, like she would fall apart if his does.  ‘  ----- don’t push me away, okay?... ---- please?  ’

[suryadis]

KITTY.

❛ Juli give you a key … before? Spare’s under the mat just in case, so, uh, stop any robberies if you see them ——– you’ve really never used a machine before? No judgement or anything, that’s the DREAM life, but I’ve been loading that shit since I was seven. You’ve got to give me life tips in exchange for my amazing laundering lessons —— LEMONADE? ❜ 

‘  not----- really. ----- i’ll have you know, i could probably knock some scoundrels out if need be. yep, never. didn’t have one of those, so, learnin’ was kind of a moot point. what’d you even need life tips for? look like you got everything under control... least on the surface. -------- sure.  ’

[suryadis]

ELLIOT.

❛ Nothing to feel BAD about. Better you take out emotions on a SOCCER BALL than anything else. ❜ He pauses, attempting for the vague encouragement to get her to continue past a cut off sentence. ❛ Anything you’d want to talk about? Even if it’s WEIRD talking to your soccer coach, I could find someone … younger. A girl. ❜

half a smile tug at her lips, one she shakes off as his speech continues on.  ‘  ‘s not WEIRD. not that weird, at least,  ’  she corrects, and her stare diverts from his. her entire face has got to be puffy by now.  ‘  you’re not----- not cool... ‘s just that i don’t------- i don’t know how to talk ‘bout this stuff.  ’   

[suryadis]

PAULINE.

   ❝ my mom’s told me lots of different things: never eat before dinner, don’t wear that it makes you look old, but never that, no. how do you know where it belongs: it’s only a matter of time before other people’s issues become your personal ones. no, i didn’t —— . . mean it like that. i just think we’re kind of alike. wouldn’t hurt to have a human baseball bat as my friend. ❞

‘  wh----- no, they’re not----- GOD. your shit----- ‘nd my shit? they don’t even have to coexist in the same room! i don’t even wanna be talkin’ to you in the first place, so why'd you wanna be friends? jus’ so i can beat people up for you?  ’

[suryadis]

JULIAN.

          Words strike the older in a velocity & strength he’d feared since their initial break-up. Sharp truths & lines that he would’ve rather avoided, all colliding with him at once. ❛  I’m SELFISH ? I’m doing this for YOU ! I did it for …  ❜  He pauses, because even Juli himself couldn’t begin to believe words escaping. They were half-truths at best. His own fear had always been greater than Micah’s, no matter what the situation. And maybe, possibly, it had played one too many tricks with an already exhausted mind.  ❛  I’m sorry, alright ? But it’s –– it’s too fucking late. I’m as good as dead, Micah.  ❜  He struggles to keep voice from breaking, only half as successful as he’d strived to be. 

extended palms cover an aggrieved expression as he speaks, fingers clawing away tears before they have the chance to divulge her current state ; one of hurt and agony and constant heartache that was so characteristically brought by him.  ‘  ----- YOURSELF!  ’  she’s considerate enough to finish his sentence in an oh so graceful manner ; a word so loud and filled with bitterness that she wallows in the following silence, which gives space for frustration and pain to grow.

‘  for FUCK’S sake, julian!  ’  hands curl into fists, and they have a hard time staying glued to her sides.  ‘  's not---- too late, you’re STILL here. if you die------ IF ------- ‘m the one you’re gonna left behind----- I’M the one that’s gonna have to LEARN how to live without you ----  ’  hazel hues begin to brim with tears, but micah’s own vulnerability had her way too focused to notice on anything but what her heart was beating so fast for.  ‘  but nothing’s gonna be worse than not being here while i can.  ’  

[suryadis]

KITTY.

❛ Uh, you know, it’d actually be more helpful to … do stuff around here. Mom’s working, so I’m more housewife than sister. Living off campus and … you know. So … helping in general at the house. Groceries and shit, like you said —– just, uh, maybe don’t let Juli see. If he was … that clear. You know how to do laundry? ❜

‘  yeah, sure. count me in. next time just leave the grocery list somewhere... 'round here... 'nd i’ll take care of it------ and of juli. ‘bout that though ; don’t know how to do laundry but i’m a real fast learner. teach me once and you’ll see how the student surpasses the teacher.  ’  

[suryadis]

ELLIOT.

It was a little disconcerting to see Micah like this — she had always seemed more stoic than the other girls on the team, steel faced and determined. So as he witnesses her cry more freely than she had upon his first questioning, he accepts it, gingerly placing what’s supposed to be a comforting arm around her as she cries. Not sure what to say, there’s several moments of just tears and breathing before he speaks. ❛ Hey … it’s … it’s okay. You’re okay. ❜

she’s not sure why she’s crying anymore. her breakup, sure---- but it was more of a triggering factor. julian apolskis isn’t even on her mind as tears that have been waiting for years to be released run free, but rather the life she’s had to lead. this is not what she ever wanted for herself------ fatherless, sisterless, boyfriendless, homeless ; not a life anyone would want. and god, it’s so overwhelming that she’s reached the point of finding comfort on her soccer coach that it’s bizarre and she does not want to do this again, but the sense of security that washes over her alleviates her troubled mind----- and her sobs become easier to control. elliot gives her the time she needs to collect herself, and it’s only after a moment of silence ----- when all she did was bury her head in his chest ( god forbid he’d see more of her crying face ) ----- that she speaks again. 

‘  ------ my bad,  ’  she sniffs, wiping her tears away with her hands.  ‘  ---- i just------  ’

[suryadis]

PAULINE.

    ❝ don’t really eat sugar. ruins your hips & your teeth. my mom said so HERSELF. oh, was it? i can easily throw out another one. just ask for it … yeah, ‘cause you have so many friends already. ❞

‘  ya mom ever tell you not to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong? ‘cause that would’ve been SAGE advice for you. so... i should settle for your friendship ‘cause i got none? ‘m glad you know your worth------ which is why i oh-so-kindly refuse the offer.  ’ 

[suryadis]

JULIAN.

         Shallow breaths : and she wasn’t giving up. He knew she wouldn’t be. and the fact only stung more than if she had accepted the words he’d offered. Even as the desire to be close to Micah remained prominent as ever, it was the idea of their lack of future & inevitable end that caused the cracks in the hope that remained. And the mere knowledge of it was enough for Julian to give up a fight that hadn’t even begun. Because there was no hope. And there was no point. to his life, to their relationship, and arguably – to this conversation. Though her words cast doubt on decisions previously made, and he began questioning the effectiveness of staying away from the one person he demanded closeness to. Even if it was just for the remainder of a short life. But a mind had been made up long ago, and Julian remained dogmatic as ever. ❛ I’m NOT dragging you down with me … okay ? I’m not. ❜ Warm tones burning; tears threatening to make their escape, he struggled to keep the eye contact Micah was insisting on. 

micah clicks her tongue as a humorless laugh hurls out of plump lips, and she wonders if he thinks of her as a five-year-old who’s just learning how to math ; wonders if he’s forgotten she’s more brains than brawn despite the hostility he’s been a victim of. his mortality is something she’s been HIGHLY aware of since day one----- since the day her heart begged for a present and future next to him----- since the day just another DAY with him was enough. the state of her rage is fragile ; it stores FEAR & DESPERATION and just a drop of anything else is a recipe for destruction. 

‘  you DON’T get it, do you?  ’  head shakes, and she takes a deep breath because she can already feel her voice cracking before it even happens.  ‘  i’ve been scared SHITLESS ‘cause of you for months, julian! you think ‘s all fun & giggles not knowin’ how long i get to have you for?  ’  and her voice raises again.  ‘  so don’t------ pretend like you’re savin’ ME the heartbreak ‘cause when you broke up with me------ i------  ’  palm meets forehead before it runs through ebony locks. was miserable.  ‘  this is my life ‘nd ’s my heart and wherever i wanna be ‘s not YOUR choice to make. maybe you would've noticed if you stopped being such a SELFISH prick for one second.  ’