15.7.24 - Third Encounter
Today I ran into her again, it was such a nice talk and I'm positive I've fallen for her.
The conversation was so good. Maybe too good, scary good. It was also the first time I got a REALLY good look at her up close. Last time we were walking side by side and it's hard to... turn my head and look at her cause I'm shy as fuck.
She and I ran into each other at a corner and she had spoken so kindly about my art and we just kind of hit it off after that. During this conversation I had realized just HOW pretty she was. I had always thought she was pretty, her outfits, her hair, her smile, her eyes, it was all just... so nice. But seeing her up close while we were standing for a while was just... almost too hard to not stare. Her smile could knock you out, it's that stunning, easily her best feature. She also had her hair up in a bun that was kinda messy and it just looked so cute.
While we were standing talking about stuff I could tell the conversation was leading to the end and I .. never.. do this. but I just unconsciously yelled out "is it okay if I keep walking with you?"
But right before she said that, she had mentioned "we can talk and grab coffee sometime." I basically cut her off in a way, and I regret doing so. I should've gotten her number. (first fumble)
I just felt like that conversation was going so well and I wanted to know more about her, so I acted out of my own norm and asked to spend more time with her.
During this time, we started walking and she mentioned that she appreciated that I asked if it was okay. She said that she walks alone to clear her mind and listen to music. Her mother gets sad sometimes because she wants to walk with her, but she likes to walk alone. I told her I understood and didn't want to force her to walk with me, I really.. don't want to intrude or make her uncomfortable.
I always thought I'd just.. be a neighbor who smiles and waves at her as we walk by, I never really thought we'd become friends or talk.
She said it was ok and that it was a testament to me, which I made me feel great. I did a lil fist pump inside.
I told her that I definitely felt like she may enjoy walking alone so I didn't want to intrude but I asked her about her music interests. She started off like we all do "a bit of everything." but then she mentioned emo music and bands like circa survive, taking back sunday, and I blurted out "no way, are we the same age? how old are you?" (second fumble)
Such an idiot, this is what happens when you're an introverted nerd who doesn't talk to girls. You forget the #1 or #2 rule, Don't ask their weight or their age. You freaking fool. I need to apologize for that one.. I was just, too excited thinking we were the same age. I honestly thought she was 22-24.
We started talking about our past a little bit to introduce ourselves to each other and we just seemed to have very similar mindsets or outlooks on life, along with similar life paths.
The reason we never ran into eachother is because she moved here after high school which is when I was out of the house and I didnt move back til a few years ago, with very brief stints of moving back home in between those years. She had left to Korea to "find herself" after COVID during 2021, which is crazy because I was planning to go to Japan right before COVID hit to "find myself" as well. I just felt a bit... of a loser because I didn't do what I set out to do because of COVID. Though I guess in my head, the way to cope with this one is that I told myself at the time it's better to fight my issues head on than to run from them. Likely a mistake, I should've ran.
Then we started talking about other interests and films. Her interest in films really intrigues me because I personally just enjoy watching movies or anime, or well just most media.
I wanted to know more about her movie she's making and what it was about. She asked me what my favorite films were and I kinda got shell shocked for a second because I didn't know what to say. There's so many films, what do you say at this moment in time, what's my favorite film? I never even thought about it that much because there's so many good ones. Favorite? Matrix.
I asked for hers and she mentioned Wong Kar Wai films and I just knew, alright, this girl is making me fall for her more and more. She expressed how they made her feel, and how it inspired her to start film making. It was nice to see her talk about that and share her passion with me.
We were leading to our end and she recommended that I watch Millennium Mambo, which I did immediately afterwards. I recommended Requiem for a Dream, and we left on that note.
I did not ask her for her number (third fumble)
Being single for over a decade really does stuff to your mental state. I suppose being an introverted NEET doesn't help that.
I watched the movie she recommended to me that night. I wanted to have something to talk about with her the next time we saw eachother.
Then I came back home and saw myself in the mirror and I had scabs on my face. Realizing this is what she was looking at while I stared so intently at her, then remembering how pretty her smile was and how.. . not mine is... It made me remember that.. I'm not fit for dating, it hurt a lot to think about, but it made me feel like.. I shouldn't do anything that makes her think I want to date her, even though I do.
Deep down I want to date someone, but I don't want to force myself upon them and burden them with my issues in life, or my current self that I'm trying to fix and rebuild.
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