It was dark outside when I heard the alarm blaring. I looked over to see my best friend, Angel, sitting up.
When I was looking at what he was doing, I was confused. He was fumbling with something on the ground. I realized it was my alarm that I had set for our morning run.
I apologized to Angel. I did not realize that my alarm was set that early. He said he was totally fine with it going off, and I passed back out.
I woke up to my cat, Momo, meowing at the door. I was on the left side of the bed which was facing the wall. I climbed over Angel, who was just to the right of me.
It was 9:33 am when I looked at my alarm this morning. I went straight to the bathroom to see my hair was.. A disaster. The oily mess was spun up into a high bun. The hair was so dirty the hair had clumped into sections, making my hair a curly texture.
I had therapy at 10:00 am, so I had to be fast. I jumped into the shower.
As a child, I always hated to shower. I never knew why, but it was always such a chore. I would be dirty for weeks at a time and it never bothered me. As an adult, I can say I truly love to shower. The warm water hitting my face, the suds in my hair, the relaxing minutes of truly unbothered Suzi.
I couldn’t take a long shower today. I wrapped my hair in a towel and I popped out of the shower. I got dressed in my workout clothes, I have a beautiful blue workout bra and matching leggings. I pulled a yellow wool sweatshirt over and my outfit was complete.
When I walked back into my room it was 9:52, Angel had awoken by this point and was laying in my bed.
Angel understood that I had therapy. We discussed our plans for the day, and I was on my way to my computer to go into Digital Therapy.
I woke up early. Last night was a nightmare and a miracle all at once. I don’t remember much from last night, but I also remember everything.
I have been lonely. I have been fighting my depression hard. I say I am happy, but I am not. I hate my body. Constantly pulling on my fat, and my sagging boobs. I hate how I look like a monkey or a disgusting animal. It’s always on my mind.
Life has seemed disgusting again. My room is messy, stolen oil paint, canvases, sketchbooks, and clothes just linger across the room. Posters half hanging off the wall due to my cat tearing the pins off the wall in my sleep. The sun doesn’t feel pretty anymore but a sign of heat and disgust but it is still so cold outside.
I woke up, but late. Nothing seemed important on this day. I work at 1:00 PM.
I sit on my phone on useless social media until my eyes burn from the sight. I learned nothing from my experience on my phone other than I absolutely hate myself.
I get out of bed, and dodge the disgusting floors that I haven’t cleaned in weeks. I pick up some hairy, gross looking pants from the floor and a shirt and change into them. I go into the bathroom and I look at myself.
It’s valentine's day. I realized.
I wasn’t going to wear makeup or get ready, but there is still a small part of me that cares about holidays and being super fun with it all.
I decided on bright pink eyeshadow and I pinned my hair up with some star shaped bobby pins. I changed into a pink crochet-type top that I bought for a trip I went on with my friends a while back.
I was running late, and I headed to work. My car is.. Cold. The heat had stopped working in it a while ago.
I drive, listening to a song called “linger” by the cranberries.
I try to stay positive, but sometimes it’s just so hard. There are a few things I hate about myself that I cannot get over. The first one is that I am a consistent liar. I don’t know why, but lying is simply so easy. I can lie about anything at any time. I make up so many stories I don’t even know what the truth is anymore. Thus, a reason I am keeping this journal.
Another thing I hate about myself is that I am a thief. I steal. I never, ever, once stole until my ex roommate, Ivie Parkingson, stole groceries from Walmart, and then proceeded to show me how to steal. Ever since then I have not been ringing things up for a long time. Another reason I did not want to go to work is because I cannot stop stealing. It’s something I am trying to change, I promise. It doesn’t make me feel good either, I can promise you that.
Whatever, that rant is not necessary. I am constantly in fear I will be taken to jail for stealing, but I can’t stop. No, I don’t know why either. Well, I think I do, but I don’t want to get into that now.
I arrived at work. I actually really love my job. I work at a cute little heath store called Natural Grocers. They are all over the Utah area. They sell lots of vitamins, organic foods, vegan and keto, you get the drill. They are the specialized foods that all white people go and shop for and then try to convince you that you do not need modern medicine.
I don’t want to get into the details at work, but to summarize: I put things on shelves for 8 hours. But something I do want to mention that happened at work is I actually snapped Tanner Rush.
I was sitting on the toilet, and I put my phone down. My phone scrolled down in my contacts and I saw his name. I decided that I wanted to see if he unadded me on snapchat, just for fun.
I snapped him, and I did not think anything of it. The next thing I know is that he is snapping me back in an instant.
It was fun, and fresh to talk to Tanner Rush again. He hasn’t changed much, but I don’t know how to explain it. His smile seems a little brighter.
Anyway, the next thing I realized is that I was thinking about him all day at work. I was fantasizing how we are going to hang out and be friends. We snapped throughout my shift, and I decided to ask him to hang out with me.
To be fair, I asked him if he wanted to do mushrooms. He replied yes. I was honestly super excited to see him.
After work, I drove straight home and I called him. I went over the plan, and he was okay with it. He did mention he had a girlfriend.
And I do not know why, but there was a small part of me that was quite sad. I don’t know why, I know Tanner has always had a special place in my heart but I did not realize it was like that.
Anyway, we agreed to keep it platonic, which is awesome. I am a lot of things, but I am not a homewrecker. That is something that I know I will never do.
I was happy. I was going to do mushrooms, see my brother, my best friend, and my ex. I have been so lonely lately, so I have been trying to keep up with all of my old friends and be more inviting. I mean, who can complain about always being alone if they never put any effort in?
The long story short is: I drove to Logan. I played some gorgeous music and just looked at the scenery beyond me. I don’t care how much I state I hate Utah, it is damn pretty there.
I eventually get to Logan, and I meet Tanner at our old Taco Bell. We worked at the South Logan Taco Bell together when we first initially dated back in 2018.
We headed over to Tennessee’s place, and he was not there. He was grabbing the mushrooms that we were going to be doing. I went to Del Taco, because I was hungry. I got two vegan soft tacos and a medium diet coke.
Once we got to Tennessee’s house, we smoked some marijuana and we had a good laugh. Me and Tanner brought up some old memories, and I will say, it was quite nice to reminisce on that type of thing.
I dropped Tanner off later that night and I went to Angels house. We pretty much went straight to bed. The next morning (I say morning, but realistically it was 12:45 pm). We woke up. We got ready, brushed teeth and did all of that jazz, and we went and got smoothies.
Something I love so much is hanging out with Angel, it’s something I don’t say enough. I really am thankful to have a friend like him.
Anyway, we got smoothies at Eastside Cafe, and even though it was cute.. The smoothies honestly were ass. I don’t know why we went there, to be honest with you. I got a smoothie called “the best dam smoothie” and mate, I don’t know about that one.
Me and Angel then bought tickets to see the movie Sing 2.
You will never guess what we did next.. I am just kidding, I am predictable.
We made mushrooms! We ate them in his car and then we went to the movies. Honestly, for a kids movie, it was pretty dank. I mean that porcupine has got some mad pipes.
They did not really kick in until the movie was basically over. We went to Taco Bell, and then we went to Green Canyon. Honestly, it was beautiful. The smoky mountains, the yellow light from Angel's car but then the cold, pure, and cool snow. It was breathtaking. This is when me and Angel really started to trip.
The mountains have transformed into some scary looking skulls, with their flesh melting off of them. It sounds frightening, but truly, it’s really not.
Well. That is what I thought at that moment.
The ending of this story is near- simply because I do not want to write about it anymore.
Me and Angel had a great rest of our day, we hung out with Taelor and we just had a conversation.
I drove to my parents house, I wanted to make up to them. I mean, they really have abused me, but I learn to forgive. Because after doing mushrooms, I realized, I only want a family. I don’t care for hookups or anything like that. I am a RELATIONSHIP PERSON.
I went to my parents house- and it was bad. I mean, bad. The shit all over the house needed a good mop.
Everything from my childhood was destroyed.
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