suzysgossip

#ASKSUZY

[suzysgossip]

if you could play god and get anyone together, which five couples would you match?

The fact that you suggested I can play God and didn’t capitalize His name tells me that you’re a plebian but I give everybody the laughs, so here you go.

Lacey with someone who will either make her more interesting or be nice to her, since she’s kind of wallpaper at this point. Lara?

Harper and Stacey: Since they both can commiserate over their previous romantic partners being a complete jerk to them, and probably would treat each other right.

Puck and Reagan: I think Reagan deserves a real woman, someone who’s stable and mature and actually knows what she’s doing with herself. I also think that Puck and Reagan’s personalities would go well together after 

Blair and Tina: Honestly, Tina is the only one of Blair’s friends who has stuck by her through anything, so I really think they might as well bite the bullet and go for it.

KITCHEL. GIVE ME KITCHEL. 

@mikhailacey @acuplara @notthatharperlee @itsstaceyevans @puckyeah @reaglane @beeanders @theyearofthestar @awildecard @drtcc

[suzysgossip]

if you heard sex sounds coming from acup's supply closet BUT only one of the people sounded like they were enjoying themselves, who would you assume was getting frisky inside?

Probably one half of Nencer. Are they even alive? I’m smelling a breakup there, too. Mercury may be out of retrograde but I was kinda hoping Nicola would date a different one of the white blonde Marvel girls to really shake that up.

@nicoladerocha @superspence

[suzysgossip]

do you think matt and reagan can last as a couple?

I think that Matt was so unhealthily obsessed with Marlona that she went to Wal-Mart and got a relationship of her own. The identical age gap and supply closet sacred space was an added bonus.

But no, I don’t think they’ll last. Once a Ratt, always a Ratt.

@acupofmatt @reaglane

[suzysgossip]

Care to place your bets for what you think will happen at the camping trip?

You’re all my least favorites, so any collection of a group of my least favorites sounds like a recipe for disaster. What I’m hoping happens on this trip is that someone gets eaten by a bear. The San Francisco kind. 

Here are the people who’ve reblogged the post so I’m assuming they’re going:

Matt: Is apparently the ringleader of this stupidity, but let’s also note that #MattHatestheHomeless. So help me I’d exile you from the church faster than you can say “and with your spirit.” Somehow, she’s is going to be able to live without running water and a mirror to stare at her reflection in for three days, not sure she’ll make it out alive.

Reagan: Apparently this is posted on behalf of her. Kinda doesn’t fit in Reagan’s personality if you ask me, which you did, but she seems like the kind of basic who is only into flowers because they’re pretty and not real nature. Also, Regan should also be super grateful for her shop staff, since it seems like every other week she’s jetting off to Paris and leaving her business to drown. 

Harper: I’m struggling to remember why she’s relevant in this scenario, but then was reminded of how far up Matt and Reagan’s ass she is, so. I hope we don’t get an onslaught of scantily clad pics again, because that smelled more desperate than the cleavage bearing women in Bible study hoping the hot young deacon will renounce the church to take them away.

Sienna: Is stupid enough to go on a camping trip with the couple’s club that includes her ex, so I hope she has a great time. For her sake. Maybe with Harper?

@acupofmatt @streetsmartstevie @yesyesyoumae @reaglane @notthatharperlee

@siennabanks

[suzysgossip]

Which ACuppers do you ship together?

I ship all of you with bad decisions that I can blog about.

[suzysgossip]

If I wanted to do some sexual tourism around ACup, which girls would you recommend for a really good time?

Easy.

Puck: The Holy Land, obviously. Don’t be so offended that you’re not top Jew, JBI.

Jemma: She’s Ibiza. As in, you need to take a pill before you can get down.

Rowan: What’s that about the Irish having the gift of cunning? You can lingus me anytime, Ro. 

Ellie: She’s kind of like a creme brulee in Paris. Fancy, super white, and can be interesting if you use flavors.

Jackie: Nants no one’s gonna wanna piece of her now, but she’s good if you want to feel the love tonight.

Theo: She’s like a very strong tropical beverage. Sweet, a little bite, regrets in the morning if you’ve had too much.

Jessi: Like touring a cathedral in Europe. Awe-inspiring, a reverential experience, but you can tell that lots of others have been through there before.

Natalie: A beach day when you didn’t realize how high the heat index was. Feels good in the moment, but you’ll be burned once you wash away your sins.

@puckyeah @acupgossip @itsjemmabitch @rrrrowan @starchildellie @theoreprise @heavenlystjames @natalieramos

[suzysgossip]

would you rather eat out jbi while she calls you kathy ketchup, or eat out april while she sings glitter and be gay?

What kind of question is this? Would I eat out someone whose only talent is in alliteration? Not only does April have the voice of an angel, but that lady is so giving to the entire community that she deserves to be constantly gone down on. Sign up sheets will be on the ACup bulletin board.

[suzysgossip]

Can we get a couples update??

Marlona: Still literally the most boring couple alive, but we knew that. See my last post for reference. Please break up.

Maevie: Jesus performed seven miracles, and this coupling is the eighth. Although, it’s harder to say who’s the bigger idiot for going through with dating the other.

Bam: Sam stupidly sent out a mass text for Bea’s birthday, which I guess means they like each other or something? Don’t know, sounds dumb. The only thing I am gonna say is that Bea must be having a grand old time with those lips in places. Forgive me Father, it’s sinning time.

@acupmarley @thehudsonator @yesyesyoumae @streetsmartstevie @thcbeasknees @samerystargaryen

[suzysgossip]

Marley locked herself in the ACup closet for a good while post-BOTB...got some intel on that? Maybe Hudrose break up part two?

This story is currently breaking and will have its own expose post, but don’t you worry, it’s gonna be a good one. I have to be careful how I answer stuff now, because @acupgossip can steal my intel and take credit for it. The Lord said that we must be kind to our neighbor, but I’d absolutely turn her wine back into water. The first shall be last, and she can be first.

Side note, is anybody else hoping Marlona breaks up? Just for something exciting to happen around here? No joke, they are the most boring couple alive. What do you think they talk about? Nothing? They have literally nothing in common. You never hear about them fighting, or interacting on Tumblr. Who knows what their phone history looks like? And poor Puck, honestly, being so young and hot and stuck in lesbian death bed zone.

@thehudsonator @acupmarley @puckyeah

[suzysgossip]

Hunter and Kate were pretty flirty during BOTB...

Miss Priss and ACup’s Favorite Bully? Sounds like a match made in heaven. Or hell. 

Personally, I think they’ll date. I think they’ll be fine. It’s a pretty decent swing for Hunter, who would have a permanent muse in fashionista Kate. I bet Kate would love being with someone so ingrained in the fashion world. I could see them running into trouble, though, when Hunter runs her mouth and since Kate is so big on taking the high road/anti-bullying/whatever. Kate is also a little too uppity for someone who comes from the slums like Hunter does, but Lady and the Tramp has always made for a good story. Then again, given both of their romantic histories, I can’t really tell you who’s the lady and who’s the tramp...

All in all, they could be the next #Marlona. Also, their ship name would be Kunter, which is hilarious to me. Suzy Seal of Approval.

[suzysgossip]

My dream revenge porn scenario would go down bw you and jbi ofc.

Ew. Now I have to go douse myself in a shower of Holy Water. @acupgossip

[suzysgossip]

According to recent interactions with Harper and Matt, Reagan and Matt are thinking about kids? Thoughts?

Why would Reagan want to think about kids when she’s already dating a child?

[suzysgossip]

awildecard‌:

dance-jackie-dance replied to your post: ��

Come on, not even for old time’s sake?

i’d rather let @suzysgossip and @acupgossip fuck me with a brillo pad. 

Sounds painful Kittus, but unfortunately, I’m not really into anal play.

[suzysgossip]

What’s that? I’m back? Your favorite gossip bitch is back? JBI is unsightly, trying to look like Jew Keira Knightly! We been there, we done that, I’m the queen of gossip, suck on that.

So ACup, you have two jobs, here. Job number one is to avoid JBI like the locust-bringing plague she is, since you’re all devoted Pepperinos and love my channel. Job number two is to send me your dream revenge porn scenarios. 

Don’t keep it PG-13 rated, lovelies. It’s #SinningSunday.

[acupgossip]

Thoughts on Stevie and Mae making it official?

Let me be clear, bitches: the only reason I know there’s more than one Evans is that if you look into Sam’s mouth you can see forever, and the other two (three? ten?) don’t come with that neat feature. 

Anyway.

According to my notes, Stevie is the one who thinks channeling Avril Lavigne circa Sk8r Boi is still a personality in this our year of 2019 so I’m just at a loss for words. Ladies, you’re in your twenties. Evolve. Leave high school behind, holy shit. 

Also according to my notes, Mae used to fuck Stacey? Girl, no. ‘Not technically incest if we don’t do it at the same time’ is taken by the Puckermans and Kitty already so let’s not let this trend spread. I know you’re young, but that is NOT what we mean when we say the lesbian community is incestuous.

Listen to me: I spent six months in a hippie jew commune in the absolute asscrack of Israel, and I still heard about these two and their toxicity. Sweet baby Moses in his waterproof basket this is why straight media needs to be banned. After a certain point, mistakes cross the line from hilarious to tragic and nobody has fun anymore.

So, in conclusion, The O.C’s last season was fifteen years ago and there was good reason for it so please stop this. We’re into healthy empowered couples now. Or at least hilariously trainwrecky ones. Watch some Netflix, damn.

 Also somebody tell me how many fucking Evanses we have and how to tell them apart because it’s like Children of the Corn up in here.

@samerystargaryen @yesyesyoumae @streetsmartstevie

[suzysgossip]

Please stop agreeing with me, it’s making me break out into hives. How were you kept informed? Carrier pigeon? Just admit you read my blog and I was your primo source while you were gone.

Wait, you watched The O.C.? That doesn’t make sense. That’s a good show, and your taste is horrendous.

[acupgossip]

If you were wondering why your nips were suddenly hard, worry not: they were just alerting you that JBI’s back in New York City, bitches.

Apparently a girl can’t go spend six months getting in touch with her inner self in a kibbutz without you lesbians sinking low enough to pay attention to Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Cooch Club Band, but you know what? I forgive you. You were lost without me. I get it. 

But now I’m back, so there’s no excuse for fraternizing with Nancy Nutmeg anymore. And to celebrate, I’m here to brighten up your day. Come at me, bitches. Hit on me, ask me shit, share your horoscope woes. JBI is back.

[suzysgossip]

Read: after I pepper poisoned her, JBI got kicked out of Jew camp. Hi, asshole. I’d say I missed you, but the only lying I do is when I’m trying to take my clothes off.

[suzysgossip]

#WHOKILLEDPUCK?

I did, when I poisoned JBI. Oop.

[suzysgossip]

And this one did not.