archived

fata viam invenient — the fates will find a way kajri rana — the eidolon TWENTY-THREE first army jytte naess - the sedulous TWENTY-EIGHT heartrender nari van dalen - the anomalous TWENTY-FOUR squaller

[gravemist]

CLOSED STARTER FOR @svnktyas​ where: right after the attack at the fete pre masquerade

“fuck,” sera swore, again and again, hugging her side so tightly she suddenly became hyperaware of how real this situation was. the squaller tried her hardest to stay awake, to not fall face first onto the ground and make even more wounds on her face. that would have been the cherry on top– ruining her perfect face. 

serafima leaned on whatever she could, trying to make it at least outside so she could escape the stuffiness that was closing in on her. she eventually gave up, something that was the exact opposite of everything sera stood for just feet away from the door where everyone else piled out of, and slid down a wall helplessly. she was losing blood, the feeling of it hot on her fingers. she didn’t recognize anyone’s face anymore, everything becoming a blur as she tried her hardest to focus on her breathing. when a familiar figure towered over her, their voice was nothing but a drowned out noise. though familiar, she couldn’t recognize them. the feeling of being weak was not something she enjoyed.

[svnktyas]

for some reason unbeknownst to her, jytte had a knack for apparently getting out of things relatively unharmed. besides, jytte had never really cared much if she was injured — it wasn't like she had this ignorant, selfish perspective that there would always be a healer near if anything did happen. no, jytte had always been destructively lax about the state of her own safety. the one thing that did worry her in this situations however, were the those who were close to her.

naively, jytte had thought those close to her had been alright — had escaped any threatening injuries. she had thought correctly until she stumbled out a doorway, ignoring the hustling bodies once she spotted a certain blonde looking far from the woman she knew. “serafima?” she gasped, frozen in her spot standing in front of the squaller. perhaps the shock would have lasted longer if serafima’s increasingly palloring features weren't becoming alarming noticeable, that and the hand pressed tightly against her side. “sera? i need you to stay awake okay?” jytte rushed, something she never normally did as she knelt in front of serafima, eyes darting rapidly over the wound on her side and face. 

jytte had never used her abilities for good, she was far too used to being the stereotypical heartrender who only used their abilities to harm or intimidate. so why was she now wishing she could have been a healer? a healer who could stem the bleeding of the woman in-front of her who she had always told herself she'd never get along with, would never save in any situation. for once in her life at the little palace jytte wasn’t in control. 

[bimorgana]

Pride and Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright

[svnktyas]

theblckhole​

you don’t really mean it. if only she knew how many time he had told himself that exact same thing. he didn’t know how everything started, from the beggining they weren’t never meant to work. it made no sense how the two of them managed to become and stay friends, moonshik had a habit of pushing people away from him, it was a defense mechanism, which was why he knew that once they got close he would do something to make her run away from him, but that never happened. they only seemed to get closer, closer than anyone had ever been to him and not once did try to push her away. he didn’t know how or when it happened but after years of being there for each other at their highest and lowest something had had began to change over the last couple of years — or rather, moonshik had finally admited to himself the truth he had always known. 

at first that was what he thought this was, something that he didn’t mean just all those other things in his life he didn’t mean. he was familar with lust more than he was with any other feeling, and for a while he thought that might’ve been all there was to it but it went deeper than that. without realizing he had began to rely on her, to trust her with things he never thought he could share with another soul, he had began to look for her in everyone because a moment he didn’t spent with her felt as good as lost. lust he could understand, love was new to him and it scared the life out of him. 

when nari stood up moonshik mirrored her and began to follow her around as she peaced. we can pretend this didn’t happen. “we’ve done that already.” he mumbled to himself. he thought about telling her about that night, about how she was too drunk to walk that he had to carry her out of the ballroom. he thought about telling her how she had asked him if she could like her, and about he had told her that he already did. he thought about telling her that she was too drunk to remember but that she had kissed him and in doing so flipped his entire world upside down. but it didn’t feel correct. moonshik wasn’t one for fair play but he was when it came to her, so he swallowed his words. for her he could pretend that didn’t happen, but he owed to himself to not let this moment go by as if nothing had happened. 

“nari, believe me i’ve fought with myself for saints knows how long to keep this quiet, because i would rather have you like this than to not have you in my life at all,” he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone or anything, but everyday that went on he felt himself dying a little more. it was a feeling he was familar with, and he knew from experience it wouldn’t lead to anything good. “and i know that you don’t want to hear this anymore that i want to say it, but i cannot go on like this anymore.” 

he was afraid that if he blinked, that if he looked away she would disapear. had it really come to this? the one person he always feared he would push away, had it really come to this? “i have no expectations.” he sighed, loweing his tone. he wasn’t demanding anything from her, he never had and never would. he was simply telling her, he was simply asking. “and i—” the lump he had felt for all these years in his heart had moved to his throat and moonshik knew that the next time he opened his mouth he wouldn’t be able to hold in the tears he was so desperately trying to push back. “i— i know that i’m not nearly close enough to the man that you deserve and that i’m a great deal less than perfect,” he could live countless lives and never deserve her. it didn’t matter if he got rid of all the negative traits, all the negative influences and vices, he would still be less than what she deserved. maybe it was because he knew that he felt it was selfish speaking his next words. “but nari, i love you.” there it was. saying it out loud felt unreal, but he felt a part of himself becoming lighter, as if he had taken off a huge weight off his chest. “i would try so hard to be enough for you, i swear it.”

every word spilling from moonshik’s lips should have made her feel elated, ecstatic even. saints could only say how many had wanted to be in the place nari found herself in now, if not with the person they loved then even moonshik himself. moonshik’s popularity had never gone unnoticed, neither by her nor anyone who had happened to have heard of the inferni. ignorantly or even pessimistically, nari had never expected moonshik to like her back, to ever want to be with the girl who had arrived at the little palace with nothing more than the clothes on her back and the anger she had harboured for far too long.

in many ways she was still that angry girl now, unable to accept the life that had been forced upon her yet unable to escape it because of misplaced familiar love. she didn’t know the right words to say, didn’t know how to approach this situation because she had never let herself get anywhere near something like this — something where real feelings would make themselves present and refuse to move without being acknowledged. she couldn’t accept this. couldn’t accept him. the man who poured his heart out while she sought to bury hers and leave it to decay and wither in the damp soil of a churchyard. she couldn’t lose moonshik, she couldn’t lose the one person who had held her together when she had so desperately wanted to collapse and hide in her weakest moments. she couldn’t lose him yet she knew she couldn’t stay with him, not with the voice of her father practically chirping with glee at the thought of seeing her married.

consumed by the constant stream of antagonising thoughts and emotions, she hardly noticed that moonshik had been following behind her until she abruptly stopped in her tracks, turning on her heel to face him. “i can't—” give you the answer you want to hear. “i wanted to save us from this.” she replies, desperate in a way she hadn’t ever experienced. she loved him. nothing would ever change that fact, that universal law. but she couldn’t love him how he wished to be loved, how her mind wanted to scream at her that she wanted to love him like. 

“you’re more than i deserve, moonshik.” nari interrupted, her voice firm for the first time in their conversation. it was bad enough nari was adamant this couldn’t happen, that she couldn't allow herself to let this happen, she could bear than burden and regret in years to come but she could never let moonshik believe he was the one who didn't deserve her. “you're too good for me,” she urged, speaking truthfully as she subconsciously reached out to grasp one of moonshik’s hand’s with her own until she caught herself in the movement, just pulling back in time for her hands to graze his own. “much too good for me! you always have and will be, i'd do nothing but hold you back.”

she was more than ready to reassure moonshik, to try and express how her own insecurities and hatred would ruin this ( had ruined this ). for a brief moment, nari couldn’t help but wonder if this was just a dream. she had often heard moonshik tell her he loved her in the best dreams, the ones which made her wake up frustrated that she wanted to hear those words leave his mouth in real life one day. after today, she supposed she'd never be wanting to wish for anything again. “you are enough, you’ll always be more than enough — for anyone!” nari stated, ignoring the way her eyes stubbornly began to well up until she willed the tears away. “i will always be so grateful and thankful towards you, for having you in my life when i had nobody else.” nari promised, the words catching in her throat as she prepared herself to tell the biggest lie she had ever had to tell. “i can't love you like that, moon.” she whispered, forcing herself to conceal any of the devastation her own words brought upon her. “i don't know why.. but i can't.”

[svnktyas]

edge of the ballroom, the masquerade. ( @sodaparticles​ )

it would come as no surprise that jytte wasn’t a regular at any balls or such events which were thrown within the little palace. if she thought about it hard enough she could probably recall that every dance she had attended she had been coerced into attending, normally by yuliya who really in hindsight had far too much influence over the heartrender’s actions. however, she was sure her uncharacteristic willingness would come as a shock to her friend, to anyone who knew jytte really. for once, jytte had been all too happy to dress up in a ridiculous outfit and mask she would never wear again after tonight — to stand in a crowded room filled with obnoxious laughter and even more obnoxious people.

in an ideal world jytte would have gone with serafima to this in the first place, she would have had that selfish privilege of being able to see the blonde before she garnered the attention she both deserved and commanded.

although she was surrounded by a sea of masked individuals, jytte sickeningly knew she would be able to find serafima without any trouble. it must have appeared almost comedic to those around her when jytte found the squaller, the way her body seemed to release any tension she had been carrying before. “you’re not dancing? i haven't been a bad influence have i?” jytte asked once she had reached serafima, the smile on her lips teasing but doing little to hide the happiness at finding her.

[svnktyas]

sodaparticles​

the irrevocable display of absolute look of boredom on serafima’s face and mind was almost enough for her to just walk out of the room and give up on jytte’s constant drag. her endless endeavor to seem mysterious made sera almost start snoring. “yes,” she said simply, answering her question with one word, something jytte did not seem to know how to do.

the boredom began to crack though as she saw the slight reaction she’d gotten from the heartrender, having to look away with the smallest smirk on her lips. again, though, the smirk was replaced with a stone serious expression with slight puzzlement as jytte walked right up to her. serafima sat up straight. she was not expecting that– maybe she was more ballsy than sera had originally thought. sera could feel the cool air being blocked from her skin as jytte stood there, and sera had to make an effort to not blush. it wasn’t that she was nervous, no. even sera was sometimes defenseless to the desirability of certain women, unfortunately.

still, she kept her real thoughts hidden from any tell on her face, just as she always did. she would never admit that she would start to grow uncomfortable under jytte’s stare. the silence made her temptation only grow, so she licked her lips and gently pushed herself off of the table. she barely brushed against jytte as she began walking around the room again. “quiet?” she laughed, shaking her head. “quiet, no. tedious, monotonous, dull, even? yes.” serafima was really just trying to get under her skin now, glancing up at her with an innocuous look.

“so you are aware?” jytte asked, thinly veiled amusement visible on both her features and in her words before her expression quickly neutralised. “it’s good to be self-aware about these things.” jytte wasn’t the most expressive person in the little palace, she wasn’t the sort to go into training rooms and seek conversations with those in other circumstances she would certainly avoid. avoiding the fact they had arrived at the little palace around a similar time, jytte could probably count their encounters on one hand, she had thought that their personalities had clashed and that nothing good could come out of sharing a space with the blonde for any extended amount of time. yet, unknowingly, perhaps jytte had been avoiding the serafima for the wrong reasons — it wasn’t that their personalities didn’t clash ( saints knew they did ) but the squaller seemed to bring out a side of jytte the heartrender herself was unfamiliar with.

for a moment after walking to stand in front of serafima, jytte found herself unable to do anything but look at the blonde in front of her. suddenly she almost found herself wanting to study her, her reactions and responses. the abrupt arrival of these thoughts almost threw her. “so many words to describe me..” jytte drawled the words, breathing a ghost of a laugh, the fog of thoughts lifting from her hazy mind after the featherlight touch of serafima moving past her. “are you thinking about me so often?” turning on her heel, she mimicked serafima’s expression in return. while part of her battled with curiosity she knew would never be satisfied, jytte pushed aside any sort of annoyance she would have felt in a situation like this before. 

[svnktyas]

dvndelicns​

“ i can’t do anything to change your mind, can i ? ” he asked with the same amusing tone — hannes would do anything to prove he was a terrible dancer except, of course, from dancing. at least not in front of a crowd, when other guards could see him embarrassing himself. he was still trying to get out of their radar, and dancing in front of them wasn’t something that would help the fjerdan spy accomplish that. “ another job for us, then. ” he hinted slyly, with a small — and fond — smile on his face. if hannes could, he would always have kajri with him at any job. but as much as she could be considered a friend, she didn’t know the most crucial thing: for whom hannes truly worked. and he knew that whatever bond they had would fall apart if she discovered it. “ so you admit you have someone special ? ” he inquired with a childish excitement, but his intentions were pure — to know who kajri fancied meant that he could keep an eye on them, like a brother would do with a sister, like he always imagined doing with his own sisters when sleep was deprived of him. “ because i do admit i have one, and you probably even know who it is. ” as much as his feelings for lidiya were well hidden inside his heart, it wasn’t difficult to see that he cared for her. “ i must agree with you. i can accept anyone’s opinion, except if their name comes with a lord or lady first. ”

“of course not, i’ve had plenty of practice with faith to know what to put it in — or who should i say.” she accompanied the words with the shrug of her shoulders, willing the smile which had happily been plastered upon her lips since the beginning of their conversation to quieten slightly. maybe if it had been a different place or in fact a different time, where they could both act openly without drawing the attention of those around them even while donning masks, kajri would have wanted to ask ivan to dance. even if it would have been nothing more than shuffling awkwardly, both unfamiliar with the dances which seemed so popular around them. she imagined it would be like dancing with a family member, to laugh in joy rather than remain silent and focused on the right moves only. “our greatest job yet? you know you only have to ask.” mirroring his tone, she couldn’t help but wonder if he knew she was telling the truth. that beyond this playful exchange he could ask her to help him with jobs, with anything he needed help with. if kajri could work with ivan on everything she had to do the saints only knew everything would be easier, it would be nice trusting that someone had her back for once.

at ivan’s unexpected reaction her blush only deepened although if it was through embarrassment or shyness she couldn’t tell. “saints, what are you? you remind me of one of the kids in the company.” kajri laughed, jokingly pushing at the spy’s shoulder. she hadn't meant to let slip anything about her history, even such a little reference like that. tonight she would be more open, she silently swore that after tonight she wouldn't be so forthcoming — even with someone as trusted as ivan. “if it helps i'm surprised by it too, i didn't think i would find someone special.. certainly not someone who would be here.” at ivan’s own confession she couldn't help but turn to him with a look of glee, an expression which mocked her earlier comment towards him. “i do? you can’t say something like that without making me curious.” kajri asked, turning away from the man in front of her to inconspicuously glance around like she would somehow knew he was talking about. “i knew there was a reason we got on so well.” kajri smiled, grateful once more that ivan had been here.

[svnktyas]

theblckhole​

this was our place. the words hit him like a wall of bricks. he knew, of course, there wasn’t a single thing that remained theirs, he had known that for a while but to hear it coming from her lips had a different effect on him. he didn’t know what part of his subconscious had made him walk all the way there. he didn’t know what answer he was hoping to find there, because he didn’t know what question he was asking in the first place. 

“didn’t it cross your mind that perhaps i didn’t want to be seen?” he asked but this time he wasn’t looking to hear her answer. not this time. it was painful to have her stand so close to him. this was the first time in months they had been alone in the same place together and this was the most they had spoken to each other in a long time. it was tricky. moonshik’s head was all over the place, he had been bouncing from one thought to the other all day long and he due to the chemicals in his system he wasn’t certain of any of them, but right now it was like everything had gone quiet and he was only certain of two things: one, his father, the one constant in his life he could always rely on had fallen ill, and the healer treating him didn’t know how many monthts of treatment he would need, and if, he could be able to get rid of it altogether. and the second one, the one person whose comfort he had been seeking without knowing was standing right before him now but all he felt was shame, shame and guilt.

moonshik couldn’t bare to look at her, just like he couldn’t bare to feel her eyes on him. nari had seen him at his worst but the last time she had seen him in this state was years ago, and something about it him made moonshik feel ashamed. he could bare it from his siblings, the looks of disgust and sometimes even pitty, he had grown used to them and they had no effect on him anymore — but not from her, he could bare from everyone but not if it came from her. it was pointless he knew, he was far too gone to act if he wasn’t and he knew damn well that from this moment on he wouldn’t be able to go back. moonshik knew had opened a door he had closed years ago and it wouldn’t be shut so easily this time.

she was always warm. she irradiated warmth and it wasn’t until she sat somewhat next to him that moonshik realized how cold he had been all this time. moonshik closed his eyes for a moment, he feared that if he stayed like that for too long he would break down. he feared he would crumble into a puddle of tears but as long as she was by his side he wouldn’t have minded. when moonshik opened his eyes his breath caught in his lungs when he realized he was right next to him. he didn’t register the blanket right away, all he could see was her. he wanted to tell her, he wanted to tell her everything and at the same he wanted to say nothing and just lay his head in her lap and cry. he was tempted, but when he looked into her eyes he feared that soon she too will share the same look his siblings did. 

he was certain of three things: his father was ill, nari was standing right next to him, and he needed to get rid of her. 

“saints!” he scoffed as he abruptly got up, throwing the blanket away in the process. “whether something is wrong with me or not, it’s really none of your business.” something close to a humorless laugh was heard at the end of that sentence, there was plenty wrong with him, even before today. “what?” he asked taking a step closer to her. “did you hear about it? did one of them told you.” them, almost spat as insult. his siblings. “and now what? you thought it would be a good time to play pretend? act like you give a shit?” he mocked before taking a look around what used to be their place. “no one is around nari, so spare me the act.” 

nari had never been someone who acted or thought presumptuously, occasionally she was rash or impulsive but never presumptuous or at least until now. moonshik had never hidden away from her, had never gone somewhere she couldn’t inevitably follow, so why hadn't he wanted to be seen by her? nari couldn’t help but consider every time before this moment in which moonshik had greeted her with warm eyes, tone gentle and welcoming — everything contrasting with this. “you’ve never gone where i couldn’t follow.” she couldn't quite disguise the hurt running through the words, in the thoughts she spoke aloud.

a wounded voice inside her couldn’t help but tell her it would be easier if she walked away, if she left like moonshik had so clearly shown her through not only his words but body language. the shellshocked had slowly begun to wear off anyway, she should have expected him to act like this towards her, that he wasn't the moonshik who was her best friend anymore. reigning in her chaotic emotions she took a closer look at the man in front of her, the person she had once known better than she knew herself, she was confronted with something she never knew she’d see again. 

“what happened?” she asked gently, turning her upper body to look face him ( even if all it did was enhance the ache in her chest ). she could have been being presumptuous once again but she hoped she still knew moonshik, knew the moonshik who wouldn’t have gone back to taking and relying on substances without there being a cause, a catalyst which pushed him back towards this path. “i know we haven’t been as close anymore..” she hesitated, selfishly refusing to acknowledge that she had been the cause of that. “but i can help, i want to help.” nari tried earnestly. she wouldn’t address him with pity, with anger or disgust. she could never be disgusted by what he did, pity him for returning to a life he had done so well at staying away from. 

the cold wind nipping at her cheeks seemed to abruptly disappear as the words that were spat harshly from moonshik’s lips bit at her, leaving her sat numbly with blinking eyes. nari had never underestimated moonshik, she knew he was capable of so much and always received so little in return. she had never underestimated anything when it came to moonshik but his hatred in her. “i know you!” nari spoke, no shouted as her voice raised alongside her moving to stand up. “i don’t need someone else to tell me what’s happening with you, even if you won't look at me anymore.”

“play pretend?” she scoffed, still in disbelief he would ever say something like that towards her — something he knew wasn’t the case. “even you can't believe that, you’re just trying to be cruel.” she accused, ignoring how this was the first time they had been physically close in months and how it was also the first time she had ever flinched in reaction to him. “when have i ever pretended to be anything other than myself around you?” she stated, frustration beginning to trickle into her words. being herself had gotten them into this situation in the first place, following what she thought was right and refusing to follow her heart had transformed them into a flurry of heated words and foreign fronts. “you're right, nobody’s here.” nari repeated, head raised to stare into moonshik’s eyes. “so don’t you just tell me what’s really happening.”

[svnktyas]

ballroom, the masquerade. ( @theblckhole​ )

whenever an event was held at the little palace it felt like it was almost compulsory to attend, the majority of people in attendance. originally, nari hadn’t felt any particular desire to go to the masquerade, she wasn’t the biggest drinker and she would rather not spend her night wondering if she would be able to find a certain person beneath the disguise of a mask. unfortunately or fortunately for her ( she didn’t quite know which one it was yet ) shihyun had practically forced her into the few dresses she had accumulated over the years and shoo’d her out the door while pushing a mask into her hands. whether it was her initial disinterest in attending or something else, she had spent the majority of the night drinking with the man she’d attended with. 

once, nari wouldn't have hesitated coming to something like this. it was cruel to think back to what had been but when she was surrounded by happier memories it was hard not to. while her anger at him remained raw and fresh, she couldn't help but miss him — even when she knew he didn’t miss her in return. without prompting, shihyun pulled her in for a dance, a slightly intoxicated smile tugging on her lips automatically. “you weren’t trying to be smooth were you? your idea of dancing is more like me fighting for my life.” she joked, or at least hope the joking tone came through the words. thankfully he wasn't the best dancer, he wouldn’t lead her like moonshik would have — wouldn’t give her the opportunity to horribly pretend that he was him instead.

[svnktyas]

theblckhole​

if he didn’t feel like his entire body was about to collapse due to how nervous he was he would’ve laughed. please don’t do this moonshik. there was a voice in the back of his head that had said that exact same thing to him for as long as he could remember. please don’t do this moonshik: please don’t pick another fight, please don’t have another drink. please don’t take anymore pills. please don’t act without thinking. please don’t do this moonshik. it was funny to hear that same voice coming from her now because moonshik had never been good with restrictions when it came to himself, except for her. 

nari was the one exception. from the moment he had met her moonshik did nothing other than to listen to that voice whenever she was around. it had happened once, he hadn’t done something he knew he shouldn’t and when he casually mentioned it to nari her entire expression had changed. moonshik didn’t have any experience when it came to making others proud, so it took him a while to realize that was what was happening — from that moment on all he did was to try and get to be proud of him, to try and see that expression on her face again and to feel that warmth he had felt in his chest. no drug he had ever taken had gotten him as hooked as this one. 

but it went deeper than that. moonshik only knew how to restrain himself when he was around her. please, don’t tell her moonshik. said the voice every single day and every single day he listened to it. out of fear of losing her he kept quiet, but he couldn’t be silent anymore.

when nari looked at him he felt his hand began to shake. he swallowed hard and breathed out before he was somewhat certain he would be able to speak again. “why are you asking questions you already know the answer to?” he smiled weakly. his entire body felt like it could betray him at any given second, he felt wornout. he had been carrying this heavy weight on his heart for years, he had learned out to live with it and now that it was finally gone, he didn’t know how to mantain his balance. 

“na–” he began but he felt a bump began to form in his throat and he forced himself to swallow it. please don’t do this moonshik. he had always done as she asked, he had always asked her what she wanted, what she need and he had heard her loud and clear just now. please don’t do this moonshik. but this he couldn’t do for her, he couldn’t bare it any longer. “nari, i can’t live like this anymore.” he confessed, his voice breaking and his eyes betraying him as tears began to accumulate there. 

it was a child’s wish that you could go back in time. nobody could changed what has already come to pass, whether that meant wishing to change something from years past or something from mere moments ago. although there had been plenty of events in nari’s life which she could have wished to change she understood that everything had happened for a reason, besides that even if she wished that the outcomes had been anything different than what they were it wouldn’t matter. so she couldn’t help but almost feel ashamed, ashamed that in that moment, she wanted nothing more than to will the sun to rise once again and change what had just occurred.

she didn’t know if she wanted to laugh or if she wanted to cry, perhaps something entirely different from that altogether. maybe she was angry? angry that moonshik was confessing to her when he knew she couldn’t do this, she didn't have the luxury of falling for anyone because that was exactly what her father wanted. if she admitted ever fell in love with anyone she would only be fanning the flames to the roaring fire stoked by her father’s words, the derogatory comments that she would eventually find someone to settle down with and become ‘the woman, no wife, she was born to be.’ no, nari had never been given the option to be something else.

the anger simmering in her veins wasn’t at moonshik, not really, although her poisonous thoughts sought an excuse in his interrupted words. stubbornly, she knew the anger came from the quiet joy ringing in her ears. a large small part of her wanted to hear this. a part of her she hadn’t known existed had wanted to hear moonshik saying she shouldn't be with anyone, shouldn't be with anyone else but him. traitorous heart. “i don't understand..” nari trailed, whatever words she was supposed to say fading before they could become audible. “you don’t really mean it moon— moonshik.” she tried to reason, to convince the man in front of her or herself, at this point she didn’t dare hazard a guess. 

“i thought you’d understand, i thought you did understand.” nari spoke, voice raising in distress as she pushed herself up from the ground. she hadn’t ever considered moonshik could have felt anything towards her, anything more than the familiar comfort she had found in him ( it was easier to live in familiar comfort than ever acknowledge the budding feelings towards her best friend ). throughout everything they’d been by each other’s side, the one constant nari had whenever she felt like she was being tossed to the unforgiving waves of a storm, moonshik had been there to pull her from the depths.

whatever argument was being formulated in her mind broke alongside moonshik’s voice, her anxious pacing in front of him coming to an abrupt halt. “please moon don’t—” don't waste these emotions on me. don’t give me what i can never give back. “we can pretend this didn't happen, blame it on a long day!” we could pretend it never happened, just like i had all those years ago.

[holyisthenameofmyruthlessaxe]

A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, Roland Barthes

[greengableslover]

*can you hear the jaws theme slowly getting louder in the background*

[svnktyas]

thesrpent​

it was nice to see her like this. there was something about her presence that was different today, she was more open, free even. jedda simply watched her and tried not to get lost in the playfull tone behind her words. that was it wasn’t it? she thought. that was the thing that was making her glow like that, wasn’t it? she seems free tonight, she thought. jedda thought she wouldn’t mind damning her future just to spend the rest of her days right here in this moment — and that scared her to the core.

“oh, i think you should.” she played along. “she didn’t seem too content with the gentleman, i dare say. i think she might be in the need of rescue.” there was some truth behind that. jedda had been in the need of rescue for a long time now, except that she didn’t know it, not until kajri rana came stumbling into her life. she had always been too proud to admit she needed help, to admit she wasn’t able to do certain things and needed someone, not to do them for her but do them by her side. was that kajri? what she the person she had been waiting for all along? oh,  the things we invent when we’re afraid and want to be rescued, she thought.

jedda had no idea how to answer to her compliment, she felt her face going read and only managed to look down at her shoes. “as do you.” she whispered. she watched kajri stumble over her words and she felt a strange sense of warmth — saints, she could look at her for however moments she still had left on this earth. “i’m not used to this either.” she reasured her. this was perhaps her third time at a ball and this was the first time she had managed to spend more than just ten minutes before leaving, the difference was that this time she had a reason to stay. 

“you know,” she began as she stepped closer. “i did receive a few dance proposals, but i don’t imagine most of those gentlemen took the rejection very well. mainly because i might’ve kick one or two of them in the leg so that they would leave me alone.” what was it with men and balls? it was like their egos got bigger the moment they put on a fancy suit, disgusting truly. “have you gotten a chance to dance yet?” she wondered. “a lot of guests haven’t danced yet either. i think some people prefer to wait for the right partner to do so.” she was tempted to look away from her eyes but dared herself not to. “i know i was.” 

something about jedda smile was addicting. or that was too vague, at least when reflected upon. no, jedda herself was addicting. kajri had never let herself imagine sharing comfortable moments like this with someone, the jovial atmosphere foreign which left her feeling vulnerable. it wasn’t exactly a bad vulnerability, a bad thing to experience something she had never even considered she could experience. once again she found that jedda was responsible for the happiness she was feeling, a warmth she hadn't realised had been absent. 

“she didn’t?” she asked, brow raised. “do you think i could be the person to do that? i know she’d never need anyone to rescue her but i wouldn’t mind trying.” with the mood light and tones playful, kajri couldn't help but let some truth lace between the teasing words. jedda seemed like somebody who would never need saving, never need anything from anyone in fact. she entered the room like a tempest and the only people left standing were those in awe of her, that’s where kajri found herself, in awe of the strength of the person in front of her. yet a thought with startling clarity wouldn’t leave her mind, kajri would help her, the woman who didn't need help.

just when kajri thought she had seen the last of new expressions from the squaller she was left surprised again, greedily soaking in every sight as if she’d miss anything with a blink of an eye. the scarlet colouring jedda’s cheeks had to be the suli’s new favourite reaction, one she selfishly had already begun wondering if she could coax out once more. “i can't compare to you.” she spoke like it was a secret, like it wasn’t common knowledge jedda stood out like a spotlight with how she looked tonight — how she always looked to kajri.

a bubble of laughter spilt from her lips at jedda’s comment, yet more proof she never needed anyone to fight her battles for her ( that didn’t mean that if kajri had seen those men she wouldn’t have made sure they had little to go home with that night ). “i haven't, not yet.” she confessed, that shyness returning as she thought over jedda’s words. it couldn't have been possible that she was looking for her too? could it? “until now anyway,” she rushed, using whatever modicum of faux confidence she had remaining from the alcohol. “until i saw you here, so would you maybe like to be my first and last dance of the night?”

[svnktyas]

dvndelicns​

he was taken aback by her words. hannes would never, on his entire life, think that a grisha would say that their own kind was wrong. but even if he agreed with the words, he couldn’t act on them. she didn’t know what he was and if she did, she would never say such things. hannes needed to blend in, to act as innocent as possible — as a poor boy who grew up in a village on the borders with fjerda, and the only way to have a good life was to endure a life in os alta, protecting the little palace and the king. however, he felt comfortable enough in her presence to express a part of his thoughts. if she told him a bit of hers, hannes could only return the gesture. “ but i need to let them get away with it. i have enough problems with my boss and some peers because of my leg, and misbehaviour isn’t something i want to put in the list. ” he explained, an annoying sigh following his voice. “ but you aren’t wrong. i shouldn’t let it happen. ”

and who was that person, exactly ? he was having fun. but with his friends, people he trusted enough to show them a side of the real him, and not the character he created to show everyone else. val, lidiya, kajri — they didn’t know who hannes was or what he was doing, or even what he wanted to do, but he showed them a side of him long forgotten that night. the ten-year-old boy who often screamed to get out. he wasn’t somber. “ that… well, old habits die hard. i need to be somber to do my job. i don’t know how to loosen much. ” hannes shrugged, finding, for some odd reason, easy to talk to her. he wasn’t patriotic for ravka, at least. “ i used to, before starting to work here. but neither you seem to be very patriotic, if you permit me to say. ”

she couldn’t understand, could she ? and neither hannes could tell her, how much hatred he felt everything he saw a red kefta with black embroidery. as much as it consumed him, no one could know. he just nodded, then. “ i prefer the healers, if you ask me. but i mean no offence. ” but not all healers, though. the only who had even been kind to him was a black haired woman, who even laughed when he called the thing as big goth bird. “ yes, that’s me. ” he hoped the bitterness on his voice wouldn’t be noticed by manya, but she was a heartrender. hannes felt like her kind could smell his lies — but lidiya called him ivan the entire night, and he was annoyed with that. “ we can… we can socialize more, i-if you want. ” why, though ? why he felt the urge to spill to her all of his darkest secrets ?

it was confusing, jytte’s sudden forthcomingness with her opinions. there were grisha around the little palace in which she had known for years, grown up with in fact and they had never been told anyone like this. never been shown anything like jytte not manya. tonight seemed to be filled with irregularities as her face pulled into a frown at his words, something akin to sympathy starting to flare within her. but why would she be sympathetic towards the person in front of her? someone she barely knew or had any particular affection towards. “i hope there’s a day where you don’t need to hold back then.” she speaks plainly, nobody should have to deal with things because of someone else after all, jytte couldn’t imagine doing that ever again. “you can use that as an advantage,” jytte said with a smirk, if there was something which would comfort the sudden arrival of these unsettled emotions it was planning. “if they view something like that as a negative it only means they’ll only be underestimating you.”

while she hadn’t necessarily expected an explanation from ivan, or at the very least one that sounded so genuine, she couldn’t help relate to it. jobs in the little palace hardly came with the description of being laidback and easy, it didn’t matter if you were grisha or not, os alta was hardly kind to anyone. “friends help, or so i hear.” jytte joked, withdrawing slightly from the openness she had been showing throughout their interaction. she didn't have many she could call friends, even less she could say truly were. “it’s hard to be patriotic to a place that isn’t really your home.” was all she said, a shrug following the comment. while jytte had the perfect ravkan accent now, she’d never forgotten how tough it had been when she had first woken up in the infirmary in the palace they now stood in. although she had no memories of fjerda, she had the fjerdan accent and lack of knowledge of ravkan, everything both foreign and isolating. 

letting out a self-deprecating laugh she shook her head, ivan’s confession hadn’t been outside the realms of possibility. “none taken, it’s understandable that people would rather be around someone who could heal a heart instead of stop one.” jytte wasn’t shy about her abilities, she had worked hard in order to become one of the strongest in the little palace. besides, she couldn’t extract revenge against any drüskelle if the worst she could do was heal a bone incorrectly. jytte couldn't quite hide the shocked expression at ivan’s question, almost believing it to be a slip of the tongue because when had someone ever asked if they could ever take to her more? maybe this showed how little he knew of her. “i'd like that.” she said impulsively, catching herself off guard at the lack of hesitance. jytte was never particularly impulsive but something within her didn’t want to talk herself out of this, out of trying to become friends with get to know somebody. “if you’re serious of course, if you’re not just showing more of your niceties from earlier?”

[juliastiles]

Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright

[casvist]

  **   𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐍 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑       @ravkastarters​​

                        一   *   𝒉𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒅   𝒍𝒂𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒓   𝒂𝒏𝒅   𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒔   𝒎𝒆𝒍𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈   into   music   were   drowned   by   sharp   gasps   of   breath.   a   long   strand   of   dark   hair   had   escaped   from   her   almost   perfectly   fashioned   bun,   stinging   her   neck   as   she   was   pinning   the   grisha   down.   she   didn’t   need   to   clutch   his   wrist   this   tightly   (  after   all   he   was   unconscious   anyway   ),   but   uncontrollable   rage   and   bitterness   filled   every   fibre   of   her   body,   causing   her   hand   to   tremble   and   the   the   blade   of   her   knife   nicking   his   throat   again.   she   needed   to   finish   this   quickly,   only   one   remaining,   easy,   step   and   she’d   prevent   his   existence   from   becoming   part   of   any   future   memory   ever   again.  

a   cruel   but   divine   task   gifted   to   her,   a   task   she   could’ve   finished   at   this   very   moment,   if   the   slightest   disruption   of   regularity,   wouldn’t   have   prevented   her   from   it.   “uh. ”   she   stared   at   the   other,   as   if   she   was   waiting   for   them   to   run   and   telling   someone   about   what   they’d   witnessed.   “ lev   and   i   were   playing…”   she   let   another   moment   pass,   attempting   to   slip   the   knife   into   her   sleeve.   “hide   and   seek...   and   i   might   have   tripped   over   his   unconscious   body.   someone   must   have   attacked   him.   i   think …   ”

[svnktyas]

boredom was a curse. how people managed to pretend that they could remain entertained for the entirety of these events was beyond nari. besides, there were always the same types of people in attendance — no mask could hide leery behaviour and obnoxious gestures. looking at it now, as nari not so elegantly moved through the throngs of bodies towards one of the doorways which quickly looked like her escape route out of the room. after all, if nari had wanted to be surrounded by these people she should have remained in ketterdam and watched the aged merchants try and peacock around the barrel.

whatever remising she was partaking in was cut short by the scene she had unwittingly walked in on. “he, uh doesn't look to be the greatest player.” nari jerked her chin towards ‘lev’ who while he might have been terrible at hide and seek, seemed to be worthy of a championship in acting like one of the statues that lined the main hall “should i?” she then gestured somewhere behind her instead of physically asking if she should go and grab someone. “not that i'd say it’s you,” she adds as an after thought, eyes widening for a second after the implication ( even if she was 99.9% sure ‘lev’ hadn’t been spectacularly poor at hide and seek ) “not that i'm even saying you had something to do with.. this. inconsiderate really, laying around like we’re not trying to move around, he’ll break someone’s neck.”

[svnktyas]

sodaparticles​

“sometimes,” serafima just shrugged, blowing a soft gust of wind around one of the dummies and knocking it over. it barely took her any effort at all, a simple wave of her hand and it was down, lazily striding around it and thinking of what the truth actually was to jytte’s question. she didn’t usually think of the king or the darkling, though it would be a lie to say she never did. ever since she came to the little palace, sera had been wary of men in powerful positions, keeping her promise to not let herself be taken advantage of again. the faces were of those who had wronged her through her years; the priest, her parents, the girls she grew up with that would sneer at her. the thought of proving herself kept her going, of becoming one of the most powerful women one could cross. maybe that made her egocentric, but she didn’t care for specifics.

at jytte’s comment, sera did the same thing she’d done to the dummies but toward the heartrender. it wasn’t enough to knock her off her feet, but enough to push her back a few steps. she still seemed unbothered, though the comment made her a bit angry, she knew better than to show it in front of a corporalnik who could sense her heart rate spite, so she kept it under wraps. serafima found a table against one of the walls holding some weapons and sat on it, swinging her legs innocently. “do you always ask so many questions?” she asked boredly.

“i suppose we all have enemies,” jytte commented, eyes trailing the movements of the squaller in front of her and the casualties in the forms of the dummies now laying on floor “or people who annoy us. has anyone ever told you that you have a perchant for aggravating people?” the dark haired girl asked although she didn’t necessarily need an answer back, it was general knowledge around the grisha of the little palace that serafima didn’t exactly have the temperament nor the patience of a saint. 

jytte was quickly reminded of their differences when it came to patience, the unexpected gust of wind knocking the heartrender a few steps back, the action causing the blank expression settled upon her features to crack like chips in a marble statue. with a glare, jytte quickly reigned in the slight aggravation which had begun to buzz beneath her skin, willing her heartbeat to slow. saints forbid that anybody would start to think she actually reacted to things. “why, do they bother you?” the words sounded slightly strained, the only lingering presence of her annoyance. “i thought you always found me too quiet, you’ll really have to make your mind up eventually.” she spoke wistfully, movement careful and calculated as she moved to stand in front of serafima, leaving just enough distance that her swinging legs only just brushed the fabric of her kefta. 

[svnktyas]

dvndelicns​

“ i’m sure no one is losing anything. i’m a terrible dancer, i can assure you. ” hannes admitted, quite amused. it wasn’t just because of leg, which limited some movements — hannes didn’t have the graciousness that dancing required. he was a warrior before anything, and warriors weren’t supposed to know hot to dance. his primal instinct was to kill, not hold someone else on his arms. “ then we are two. ” he agreed with the last part of her comment — probably for different reasons, but hannes wasn’t suited for ravkan dances too. “ but you could always give a change to them. i’m sure you have someone special that you wished to dance tonight. ” it was a bold guess, but it seemed that everyone was dancing with their “special someone”. hannes felt his ears heat at kajri’s compliment, and was thankful that the masks were useful to at least one thing. he was sure he was poorly dressed — every person was probably using their best clothes. however, it wasn’t hannes fault that what he was wearing was his best clothes. he couldn’t own any luxuries. “ thank you, but i suppose this is far from the truth. they’re probably thinking who allowed a stable boy to enter their party. ” it was a joke too, but if a hint of truth hidden. but he didn’t care about what the nobles were thinking about him — if only they knew what hannes wanted to do with their snob faces.

“i'll maintain thinking that you’re being modest.” kajri’s tone matched his amusement, although she wasn’t going to push the point any further. truthfully, it was nice to see hannes being more forthcoming with anything other than his stoic front. “well, there’s strength in numbers at least.” she mused, while it was true she didn't really know any ravkan dances ( after all, what did a first army spy have any need for learning to dance in these fancy situations ) she wasn’t looking to embarrass herself in front of so many people. upon ivan’s comment she couldn’t help the blush which coloured her cheeks a light pink, she hadn’t realised she had been looking for jedda but now it had been mentioned she couldn’t help but recognise that she’d spent the majority of the night doing such a thing. “i wouldn't be the only one doing so, would i?” it was a bold assumption to make but she hoped to take the attention from herself, she had never hinted that there was someone who mattered to her like that — someone special who she never thought she’d find. it was strange how ivan seemed to be the only person she had felt comfortable letting this information be known to. “to them maybe, but they’re hardly opinion’s any of us should hold in regard.” kajri shrugged, picking at a loose thread on the dress.