nari had never been someone who acted or thought presumptuously, occasionally she was rash or impulsive but never presumptuous or at least until now. moonshik had never hidden away from her, had never gone somewhere she couldnât inevitably follow, so why hadnât he wanted to be seen by her? nari couldnât help but consider every time before this moment in which moonshik had greeted her with warm eyes, tone gentle and welcoming â everything contrasting with this. âyouâve never gone where i couldnât follow.â she couldnât quite disguise the hurt running through the words, in the thoughts she spoke aloud.
a wounded voice inside her couldnât help but tell her it would be easier if she walked away, if she left like moonshik had so clearly shown her through not only his words but body language. the shellshocked had slowly begun to wear off anyway, she should have expected him to act like this towards her, that he wasnât the moonshik who was her best friend anymore. reigning in her chaotic emotions she took a closer look at the man in front of her, the person she had once known better than she knew herself, she was confronted with something she never knew sheâd see again.Â
âwhat happened?â she asked gently, turning her upper body to look face him ( even if all it did was enhance the ache in her chest ). she could have been being presumptuous once again but she hoped she still knew moonshik, knew the moonshik who wouldnât have gone back to taking and relying on substances without there being a cause, a catalyst which pushed him back towards this path. âi know we havenât been as close anymore..â she hesitated, selfishly refusing to acknowledge that she had been the cause of that. âbut i can help, i want to help.â nari tried earnestly. she wouldnât address him with pity, with anger or disgust. she could never be disgusted by what he did, pity him for returning to a life he had done so well at staying away from.Â
the cold wind nipping at her cheeks seemed to abruptly disappear as the words that were spat harshly from moonshikâs lips bit at her, leaving her sat numbly with blinking eyes. nari had never underestimated moonshik, she knew he was capable of so much and always received so little in return. she had never underestimated anything when it came to moonshik but his hatred in her. âi know you!â nari spoke, no shouted as her voice raised alongside her moving to stand up. âi donât need someone else to tell me whatâs happening with you, even if you wonât look at me anymore.â
âplay pretend?â she scoffed, still in disbelief he would ever say something like that towards her â something he knew wasnât the case. âeven you canât believe that, youâre just trying to be cruel.â she accused, ignoring how this was the first time they had been physically close in months and how it was also the first time she had ever flinched in reaction to him. âwhen have i ever pretended to be anything other than myself around you?â she stated, frustration beginning to trickle into her words. being herself had gotten them into this situation in the first place, following what she thought was right and refusing to follow her heart had transformed them into a flurry of heated words and foreign fronts. âyouâre right, nobodyâs here.â nari repeated, head raised to stare into moonshikâs eyes. âso donât you just tell me whatâs really happening.â
there wasnât a single thing about nari van dalen that made sense to him. from the moment they first met he had never been able to figure her out, she had always been a big question mark in his life. nothing about her made sense, whatever moonshik thought she would do, she wouldnât. but it wasnât just that, she always managed to go beyond. whenever he thought he had finally figured her out or that he was getting close to, she would take whatever idea he had made of her in his head and rip it apart. she did and said things people usually didnât do or say to him. nari didnât care who he was in the eyes of others, she didnât feel intimidated, in fact it was the other way around --- nari van dalen intimidated moonshik kwon essen like no one ever had, and probably never will.
youâve never gone where i couldnât follow. she made no sense, from the first moment they had met. from the countless times times he had said and done things that wouldâve pushed others away, but not her. she simply made no sense. why are you still here? he wanted to ask. why donât you leave me? but he said nothing. he didnât want her to leave, if he wanted anything right was to lay down beside her and forget the world existed. but what he wanted and what was good for her were two very different things, and he couldnât bring himself to do that to her.Â
her acknowledging what they both knew felt like a blow he wasnât prepared to take. they hadnât been close for too long now, he knew that but to hear her say it made it all almost too real. âyou know me?â he laughed as if he had heard a hilarious joke, and right now that was what her presence, her words, what all of it felt like --- a cruel joke. âwhy? because weâve spend some time together, you think you know me?â some time together, as if those years of having her in his life had meant nothing to him, as if she meant nothing to him, when she anything but.Â
she was right, of course, she was always right. cruelty had always come easy to him, as easy as breathing did, but never when it came to her. there was a moment in which he considerd taking ti all back, there was still time to go back. but then nari did something he never thought she would. no, it wasnât her doing but his. she flinched but he was the one who caused it. she flinched because of him. for a moment everything went still and silence took over. he had grown used to it, over the years it became a normal responce some people had when it came to him. something about the way he carried himself, the way he acted that made others flinch. sometimes out of surprise, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of things he didnât want to occupy his mind with. part of him liked it, it made him feel poweful and proud that he was able to inflict that on others --- but not right now. right now moonshik felt what he knew many others felt before for him, disgust. he had never loathed himseld as much as he did in this moment.Â
he fought the tears that he knew would pour over if he didnât collect himself and he could feel himself getting ready to burn a bridge that would go up in flames only to soon turn into nothing but ashes. but this was what he did best, wasnât it? âwhat?â he whispered, stepping closer to see if she would flinch once more. "oh, i seeâ this was the closest they had been in months and throughout all that time he had pictured this moment over and over again, but never like this. âyou look dissapointed.â he stated what seemed obvious to him in an amused tone that didnât fit the situation. his expression hardened. âwhatâs happening is that i came here to be alone, and youâre in the way of that.â he said looking down at her. âyou shouldnât stay where youâre not wanted.â in his mind he could see himself already lighting the spark that would burn it all to the ground. âyouâve had years of practise with that, one would think you would be a natural by now, and yet...â he hated himself right now, there wasnât a single part of himself that didnât feel disgusted in what he had said and in what he doing.
but after all this was what he did best, he destroyed the things he loved.