A site for my own SVU fics - mostly one shots, based on prompts or imagines with some personal SVU remarks thrown in for fun. REQUESTS ARE OPEN for the time being. Ask box remains open for comments/conversations/etc.
...this was supposed to be one of the best. Instead it’s my first Christmas with diabetes. My new meds have me sick and miserable. And my parents informed me that I have ruined their night by being upset and crying about it.
I hate my life. I hate who I am. I hate my body. I hate everything about me. Hopefully by next Christmas I’ll have taken care of all of that.
But tonight, I’m just going to fight to stay alive.
Here’s to hoping your holidays went better than mine.
I’m starting to adjust to Minnesota. I have a few friends, a part time job, I’m passing classes... and yet I still lay down in bed every night hoping I won’t wake up. And when I do wake up, I’m disappointed I’m not dead.
I needed some fluff in my life and a break from the heaviness of “Tell Me.” Don’t worry, we’ll get more supportive Carisi tomorrow! But for today….
For: Myself
Prompt: “They’re so cute when they’re sleeping.”
Pairing: Barba/Reader; Rollisi
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1,030
Convincing Rafael to give you a night with your best friend hadn’t taken much bargaining. While you spent most of your nights apart, working long hours on difficult and heart wrenching cases, you also had a trusting and solid relationship. Many moons of loving conversations had resulted in an understanding that you couldn’t be everything to each other.
You could provide love and support, kiss away fears and insecurities, and abide in protection that was unfailing. However, you both had your friends, your people who listened to venting that felt nefarious, reminded you that you deserved joy, and took you away from the world of law and order that made up your reality.
I needed some fluff in my life and a break from the heaviness of “Tell Me.” Don’t worry, we’ll get more supportive Carisi tomorrow! But for today....
For: Myself
Prompt: “They’re so cute when they’re sleeping.”
Pairing: Barba/Reader; Rollisi
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1,030
Convincing Rafael to give you a night with your best friend hadn’t taken much bargaining. While you spent most of your nights apart, working long hours on difficult and heart wrenching cases, you also had a trusting and solid relationship. Many moons of loving conversations had resulted in an understanding that you couldn’t be everything to each other.
You could provide love and support, kiss away fears and insecurities, and abide in protection that was unfailing. However, you both had your friends, your people who listened to venting that felt nefarious, reminded you that you deserved joy, and took you away from the world of law and order that made up your reality.
Between his prosecution of sexual offenses your moments representing youth who made poor decisions, but still needed someone to believe in them, you tended to experience the worst of humanity together. There wasn’t always a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
Amanda Rollins, your confidant and colleague, was your best friend. Fortunately, Rafael had, at some point, found a respect for Carisi that led to a friendship of their own. Double dates were a regular occurrence and it became easy to rely on each other for support as couples.
On girls nights you indulged in drinks, eyed attractive men without ever touching, and pretended for short periods of time that the world was a shinier place with hope surrounding you and safety abounding. Tonight, however, you had stayed in.
Together, you picked up Chinese take out, had an evening of self-applied facials, and watched a full night of HGTV as you planned your dream homes together. You gushed over your boyfriends. Amanda had only been dating her partner, Sonny Carisi, for a few weeks, but the budding relationship was one you had pegged when you first met her.
“I just don’t want to mess it up,” Amanda had drawled, a glass of red wine in her hand and a pink mask of moisturizer covering her face. “It’s why I’ve avoided this step for… well, ever.”
“It’s Sonny,” you crooned. “The only man more perfect is Rafa.”
She laughed, “He’s perfect for you, but I don’t think I could ever date him.”
“Why not?”
You looked over as Amanda shrugged, “He always thinks he’s right, doesn’t he?”
“In the courtroom,” you agreed. More than once you had sat in on his trials and hearings, just observing his demeanor and words. He was arrogant, but not obnoxiously so. Confident, but not off-putting. You wondered how he did it. “But with me,” you shook your head. “He is the epitome of respect and understanding.”
“Never gets a temper?”
You frowned. Sometimes, you both let your tempers fly. That was the purpose of an outside person, a person you could be honest with and struggle through the hard moments with. But you never once had doubted that he loved you and believed you were just as capable of informed and passionate debate.
“Sometimes,” you sighed. “But Lord knows that I do, too.”
Amanda chuckled, “Oh, I’ve seen you pissed off.”
“Look who’s talking,” you teased. “A southern belle with attitude.”
With the most subtle of hair flips and a sparkle in her eye, your best friend smiled sweetly. Her voice sung through the apartment you shared with Rafael, accent thick and exaggerated, “My, my, I have no idea what you mean.”
You giggled, reaching forward for a Hershey’s Kiss that sat on the coffee table. You popped it into your mouth and leaned back on the couch, eyes trained on Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper as they teased each other playfully on the screen.
“Now,” Amanda murmured. “Those two are relationship goals.”
You hummed contently, nodding slowly as you gave thanks for having a relationship that was stable, even if it wasn’t perfect.
—
After a few more glasses of wine and washing off your face masks, you and Amanda had curled up on the couch again, sharing a plush throw blanket and resting your heads on the cushions behind you. Your eyes had drifted shut, each of you lost in a dream of your own making. Your brain started trying to fix problems that existed during it’s REM cycle, drawing from past experiences and knowledge to put together a dream that would answer a question.
You saw Rafael, his green eyes staring at you as you made a closing argument in court. Your eyes trained on the judge in family court, you could feel his stare boring into you.
“Your honor,” you insisted, your voice shaking. “The relationship held between these two individuals has no bearing on this case.”
His black robes loomed over you as a smirk crossed his features, “You have it all.”
You frowned, the response making no sense, “Your honor?”
You started slipping out of the dream state, Rafael’s voice sounding through the dream-formed court room, “They’re so cute when they’re sleeping.”
“They probably needed it,” the judge continued, his voice morphing to possess a thick, New York accent. You looked around, Rafael suddenly missing.
Rafael’s chuckle caught you by surprise as your eyes lazily started to open. He smiled at you, stepping forward to kiss your forehead, “Go back to sleep, love.”
“How long have we been out?” You questioned, glancing across the couch to see Sonny sitting on the arm of it, Amanda’s own sleep disrupted by his presence.
You watched green eyes sparkle, brighter than they had been in your dream, “I don’t know, we just got here.”
“I was dreaming,” you said quietly, pushing yourself up from the slouching position your body had sunk into. “I think it was about us?”
“You think?”
You smiled softly, “Yeah, that we have it all, right here.”
“We do,” Rafael agreed quietly, taking up his perch on the arm of the couch by you. His hand found yours and squeezed it gently. “What brought that on?”
You shrugged, “I don’t know, but I’m glad.”
Amanda looked at you, her smile bright and eyes filled with sleep, “I guess we’re relationship goals, too, huh?”
Chuckling, you leaned your head against Rafael, letting his hands trail through your hair, “I guess we are.”
When filling out forms specifically for a therapist put enough information down that you would think is helpful or useful during your appointments. Btw I think doing you’re great so far 💖💕
Thanks, Anon. I get that. I do, but until I know that I’m going to stick it out with this individual, I don’t know that I want to divulge. I’m pretty private and it makes me nervous to put all of my cards on the table before I’ve even formally met her.
i’m trying to fill out a form for my new therapist’s office and i’m terrified it won’t be a good fit like my first therapist post moving. and it’s asking for histories and such and i don’t know how much to reveal on this form.
i don’t think i’m ever going to find a therapist like shane. and if i don’t, i may not make it.
Still hurting, but I played MarioKart with the boy tonight and it was amazing to just ignore everything and have fun. He even reminded me to let him walk my Paco pup sometimes when the pain is too much.
Thank you for your concern. If it still hurts tomorrow I’ll probably call my doc... but I’m really trying to avoid that!
I am LOVING Tell Me! One of the best and most interesting fics I've read in a long time. I'm so looking forward to the next chapter!!
Anon, this is soooo kind! Thank you! I’m hoping to have the next installment up by Wednesday. Between pain, spending tonight with the boy, and school/work, I’ve been too busy to give it the love it deserves!
But this makes me all the more excited to jump back in!
I’m considering urgent care for my pain tomorrow. I know they can’t do much, but I don’t have an ortho up here yet...
And I don’t know how long it’ll take to get into my new primary care doctor. And I hurt so bad.
I wanted to write today. And go to church. And do laundry. And just be productive and instead my most productive moments are forcing my way through walks and making Kraft Dinner to eat.
Pairing: Carisi/Reader Insert (Female)
Rating/Warnings: NSFW in later chapters. Sexual assault, abuse, rape - as is related to SVU Canon and beyond in later chapters.
Summary: When Carisi’s fiancee, and a member of the SVU team, is found following a 6-day kidnapping, Carisi enlists the help of his team members to help her recover well and safely. What happens when she tries to avoid his pleas for the truth behind her story?
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
September Thirteenth
You woke up in Sonny’s bed, comfortably resting with your head on his chest and one of his arms wrapped around you protectively. Still clad in a pair of gray leggings and an oversized sweatshirt of his, you noticed that he was only in his v-neck and sleep pants. After you had revealed pieces of your kidnapping to him, the two of you had spent the night on the couch, talking about anything and everything - except your assault.
It was anything but normal, and there was enough tension to suspend all sense of time. You weren’t sure how late it was when you had wandered to bed, but you know that your mug of mint tea had turned cold and his beer slowly gone flat.
Pairing: Carisi/Reader Insert (Female)
Rating/Warnings: NSFW in later chapters. Sexual assault, abuse, rape - as is related to SVU Canon and beyond in later chapters.
Summary: When Carisi’s fiancee, and a member of the SVU team, is found following a 6-day kidnapping, Carisi enlists the help of his team members to help her recover well and safely. What happens when she tries to avoid his pleas for the truth behind her story?
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
September Thirteenth
You woke up in Sonny’s bed, comfortably resting with your head on his chest and one of his arms wrapped around you protectively. Still clad in a pair of gray leggings and an oversized sweatshirt of his, you noticed that he was only in his v-neck and sleep pants. After you had revealed pieces of your kidnapping to him, the two of you had spent the night on the couch, talking about anything and everything - except your assault.
It was anything but normal, and there was enough tension to suspend all sense of time. You weren’t sure how late it was when you had wandered to bed, but you know that your mug of mint tea had turned cold and his beer slowly gone flat.
You groaned, glancing toward the window as you sat up slightly. It was cloudy out, leaves were blowing from trees in the wind and you saw drops of water mixed in. Rainy days had never been your specialty. You felt the grogginess of the weather wear off on you, and you collapsed back into the restful position you had found before, inexplicably safe and loved in Sonny Carisi’s arms.
“You up?” He slurred sleepily. His fingers tightened around your body and you sighed. He was the only person you wanted around.
“Do I have to be?”
“Nah,” he smiled, awkwardly bending to kiss the top of your head. “We can stay here all day if ya want.”
You smiled to yourself. Beyond the comfort of his bed, covers protecting you from the outside world that felt as emotionally windy as the day seemed to be, a weight was lifted off of your chest after telling him part of your secret. You had told countless victims that secrets only held power so long as they were silenced, but you never knew the gravity of that truth.
It was life changing.
Nestling your cheek to the soft v-neck beneath it, you closed your eyes, “I love you.”
You could almost feel the smile you knew was radiating off of Sonny’s features. This was the closest you had come to a normal day together in over two weeks. Waking up with him was supposed to be perfect - it always was before, and today it was again.
“I love you, too, doll.”
Furrowing your brows, you pulled back and looked up. Despite the smile on his features, you heard the sorrow in his voice. This was supposed to be perfection. You were healing, he was helping, you had finally divulged some of your fears and painful memories to him, showing a trust that you had never held with anyone else. Yet he seemed so hurt.
And you could understand that. You could understand the sorrow at your pain, the frustration of not being able to find you, some guilt, even, but your Sonny seemed broken and you didn’t have the answers.
“What’s wrong?” you asked, reaching up with your thumb to brush it against his jaw. “I talked to you last night. It’s your turn.”
“You don’t need to worry about it,” he said, a tight lipped smile trying to offer comfort.
Instead, it did little more than break your heart into hundreds of pieces. Feeling stronger, and caring more for him than yourself, you encouraged him to open up, “Hey, no matter what, we’re in this together.”
“I just…” he sighed, his words trailing off as he shook his head. His long fingers ran through his hair before he covered his face, dragging fingertips slowly over his skin. You watched the mental debate for words, letting him think for a minute about what he felt comfortable and safe divulging. “I keep thinking that if I would have been there, worked the op differently, I could have stopped this.”
“No,” you said defiantly. “I agreed to be bait, okay? I knew the risks. None of us could have known they had made me before I even walked into the bar, and none of us could have known they had already planned this.”
“But the operation was my idea,” Sonny started.
You pressed a finger to his lips, forcing him to stop talking. Your voice shook as you spoke again, “And it was a good one. But we’re not going to get anywhere if we blame ourselves.”
Sonny let out a shuddering sigh. You blinked, eyes never leaving his as he sunk into the pillows, “It’s the same with Mia.”
“You’re niece,” you nodded. You were brand new to SVU when his niece was raped, but you knew the story well. Despite working another assault at the time, everyone heard the stories of the family drama with the Carisis. “You know Mia’s assault wasn’t your fault.”
“I faltered, though,” he whispered. “It’s like I can’t protect the people I love most. And then I have to beg them to tell me the truth, to tell me what they did to you.”
“You can protect me,” you assured him quietly. His lips parted and you could sense his denial at the tip of his tongue. You jumped in before he could even think to speak, “You’re doing it right now.”
“How?”
“By holding me and loving me,” you smiled. “By taking it slow. By listening to the story and asking over and over again, accepting when I’m just not ready. You’re making me whole again.”
“But I can’t take away your pain,” Sonny sighed. “I can’t pretend this didn’t happen.”
“I’m not asking you to,” you said assuringly, your head falling to his chest again and listening to the beating of his heart. It’s steady rhythm took away the anxiety building inside of you. “All I ask is that you don’t leave.”
“Never,” Sonny assured you, finding your hand with his and lacing your fingers together. “I am with you until the end of time.”
You smiled, “Then you’ve done everything I could ever ask for.”
The pain and heartache may never fade entirely, but for a few minutes, you believed that together you could be whole again. And even on the rainiest days, that hope shone through like the sun breaking out from behind the darkest clouds.
September Fourteenth
Your legs curled under you in the squad car, eyes trained on the road in front of you. The only sound that graced your ears was the sound of your breath and thumbs tapping on the steering wheel. You swallowed hard, finally glancing away from the cars in front of you and over to Fin Tutuola, taking in his relaxed demeanor.
It was almost as if he didn’t have any inclination about what had happened to put you in this position.
“Why does Stone want to see me again?” You finally asked, breaking the silence that had draped over you like an old, ratty blanket.
Fin glanced sideways before directing his eyes at the road again, “He’s going before the Grand Jury for indictment.”
“And he needs my testimony,” you breathed quietly.
“He also just wants all of his ducks in a row,” Fin assured. “We all believe you, we know it was hell, but deciding what to reach for is a challenge in a case like this.”
You closed your eyes, not ready to relive the trauma all over again, “And why can’t Sonny come?”
“He’ll testify, too,” Fin shrugged, pulling the car to a stop outside of One Hogan Place. “We need to make sure your stories are rock solid. He’ll be pertinent to the actual abduction and there can’t be any sign that you had a chance to match up your stories. At least, not to Stone’s knowledge.”
“I’ve barely talked to him about it,” you scoffed. “I haven’t talked to anyone.”
“Well, I’ll be there.”
“Great,” you breathed, rolling your eyes. “Now you can hear about all of the ways I let myself be assaulted, too. All of the ways the cop failed to get herself out of a dungeon where sick men played sick sex games.”
He frowned, turning the car off and turning to look you in the eyes. You tried to look away, but he reached up, gently cupping your chin and turning you back to him, “I need you to look at me, because I’m only going to say this once and you need to take it all in.”
You swallowed hard, his grip making you nervous, but your mind forcing an eerie calm over your body. You nodded, sucking your lower lip into your mouth with a blink.
“You survived,” Fin said slowly. “That’s all any of us could ask for, that’s all any of us wanted. It may feel impossible right now, but you are stronger than you even know. Do not let them win. They haven’t yet, and they won’t. Not so long as you continue to tell the truth. Tell me, tell the world what they did to you.”
“It’s so hard,” you whispered, eyes closing to prevent tears from falling down your eyes.
Fin reached out for your hand, and you gave it to him hesitantly, “I know.”
“You can’t,” you breathed.
“I’ve been at this for twenty years,” he reminded you. “I may not have first hand experience, but I’ve walked this road more than once.”
Eyes closing, you nodded, “Okay.”
“Okay,” he echoed.
“Just,” you paused, taking your hand back and unbuckling your seatbelt. “Do me a favor, please?”
Fin smiled, “Anything for you.”
“Watch out for Sonny? He’s hurting and I can’t fix him,” you pleaded.
“I don’t think that’s true. You’re probably the only one who can right now,” Fin said gently. “But I’ll keep an eye on him. Promise.”
September Fifteenth
The feel of soft hands gently holding yours took your mind from anything else. You leaned into Sonny gently as a gentle breeze caught your attention, reminding you of the joy of fresh autumn air and sunshine on your skin. You smiled, realizing that the fear wasn’t abating, but joy was able to be found again.
“Thank you,” you said quietly. “Getting out was a good idea.”
He squeezed your hand. You looked up, the wrinkle lines on his face far more pronounced than they were three weeks ago, but a smile stood out amongst them anyway. Relief flooded you. There had been little recognition of how worried about Sonny you had been, but in many ways it made sense. He had been through so much with you, endured so much for you, and fought like hell for your happiness. He deserved a reprieve from the daily struggle, too
“I’m glad you think so,” Sonny chimed in. He kept you close, glancing sideways as you walked through Central Park hand in hand. “We’ve been cooped up a lot.”
You bit your lower lip, nodding. Eyes trained in front of you, it took several moments for you to fight off the guilt welling in your gut.
“Talk to me,” Sonny whispered, immediately catching the vacant look on your face. “What’s wrong?”
Swallowing hard, you shook your head, “It’s stupid.”
“Nothing is stupid, yeah?”
“It’s my fault we’re struggling,” you shrugged.
Sonny paused, pulling you close to him on the side of the path. You tucked together under a tree, leaves brushing the top of his head as you were shaded from not only the sun, but the people passing by on a beautiful day. His arms wrapped around you and his lips pressed lightly to your forehead. Your eyes fluttered closed as he brushed fingers through your hair, comfort washing over you from head to toe.
“You don’t have to do this,” you continued, though your body melted into his, cheek pressed tightly to Sonny’s chest, willing his own warmth to fill the cold that you couldn’t explain. It was as though your body had been submerged in ice for weeks. “You don’t have to stick around.”
“Stop,” Sonny stated firmly, cutting you off. He pulled you back slightly, hands moving up to your shoulders. You swallowed hard, your standard mantra running through your head.
This is Sonny. Sonny loves you. Sonny won’t hurt you. This is Sonny. Sonny loves you. Sonny won’t hurt you.
As though he could sense your tension rising, Sonny lightened his grip, but didn’t pull back. “You have to trust me,” he stated gently. “I’m not leaving you. I know it’s hard, but we’re going to get through this together. Do… do you remember when I asked you to marry me?”
You pursed your lips as the memory flooded you. It had been a long day at the precinct. Sonny had spent most of it in court while you were struggling to find evidence to seal the case after an unexpected motion to throw out the defendant’s confession had passed. In the end, you fell short and Sonny watched as the case was declared a mistrial.
Frustrated and confused, you had gone home and wasted away the memories by making pasta carbonara with homemade noodles and making tiramisu. Sonny had always known it was one of your favorites, and it was one of his secret pleasures to make it with you.
You had giggled as cake batter was tasted from his finger and he licked the cream in the middle off of yours. Every few moments, you would steal kisses from one another, commenting on how good the samples of your upcoming dinner was.
Sitting across from him at the table, you had talked about your lives and your dreams. You had started to figure out how the two of you fit together - how the chain links were falling into place, stronger than ever. Sonny had looked at you shortly after and proposed. There was no ring, no formal planning, and no expectations of a perfect night. There was simply the heartache of a case falling apart, the joy of sharing life together, and the hope of a future filled with dreams come true and someone to pick up the pieces if the illusion of perfection fell apart.
“Do you remember what I said to you?” He pushed, his voice still quiet, filled with love.
You swallowed hard, so lost in the emotions that the words escaped you.
Sonny smiled softly, his blue eyes sparkled as he remembered every second of that night.
“I believe I told you that for better or worse, I wanted to be your other half. And I still do,” he murmured, his thumb running along your jawbone as you felt your legs shake at his words. “I want to love you through every moment of our lives together, no matter what those may be. You’re the strongest person I have ever met. You make me a better person.”
You felt yourself sniffle, not even realizing how emotional you had become. Your lips parted, but Sonny cut you off, “And I know that you’ll do the same for me. This happens to be the ‘for worse’ part, right?”
Nodding slowly, you collapsed into him, arms wrapping around his torso as you held on to him intensely.
Sonny held you, letting you slowly pull yourself back together.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered.
“How many times-”
You cut him off, shaking your head. “Let me finish,” you said lightly. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Sonny Carisi.”
He let out a low breath. You wondered what had him so nervous, but he didn’t give you time to think, “Well, of course you are. I’m the perfect catch.”
You laughed. It was quiet and without its full mirth, but it was still a laugh that happened without thought. Rolling your eyes, you pulled back, looking up at him sweetly, “You really are.”
Sonny dropped his arms, finding your hand and linking your fingers together again, “But I don’t know how I ever got lucky enough to find you.”
You put one step forward, letting Sonny join you as you resumed a stroll, letting the wind blow away your worries and the sun to bring out a sense of ease that could only be festered in the safety of your fiance’s arms.
