Javi had to fight his demons every day and he was kind of used to it. Many had been with him since Colombia. The bodies of innocent men and women, and even children who hadn't even begun their little lives, taken by cocaine, the war between the cartels, the corruption he was part of. He had helped bring them down, but that didn't make him feel any better.
Other demons joined in when he became the man he wasn't proud of at all. Different women almost every night, and he couldn't remember any of their names. He remembers one... Helena. He wasn't in love with her, but she was special to him... and the pain he caused her is something he will never forgive himself for. He would like to know how she is, or maybe not. He was a coward. He prayed to some entity of light that he wasn't sure existed, that she was okay.
And alcohol, at least three times a week, he stopped at the only 24-hour grocery store near the department where he was now "the all-powerful chief of police." What a fucking boring job he had taken. He didn't want to go back to living in Laredo, there were too many ghosts from his past there, and he already had enough in his mind to keep him awake at night. The option was South Padre Island. The number of residents there was tiny. If he tried hard enough, he would know the name of every member of the community and recognise their faces, how they recognised him and knew his name. Javier Peña was a local celebrity, perhaps even a county celebrity. To these naive people, he was a hero, but to him... he was just another stupid, lonely, probably alcoholic, 48-year-old man with emphysema likely forming in his lungs. Oh, and that was what he had come to the grocery store to do... his cigarettes had run out. Sometimes he would get so lost in his thoughts that he didn't know what he was doing. He would just stare into the void, until his eyes burned from not blinking for so long, and then his brain would reboot, bringing him back to the moment he was in, and his ears would start hearing the sounds around him, and he would remember where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.
As soon as he got out of the truck, that damn back pain returned. He's only 48, for God's sake!
Murphy was about the same age and was going to be a father again, but him, he couldn't get out of his own car without feeling pain somewhere in his body. Maybe exercise would help. Chucho had told him to exercise, something about exercise and serotonin helping with depression. Depression? He wasn't depressed, he was just... grumpy, angry all the time. There was no reason to smile, why smile? People who smiled too much annoyed him. Chucho also said he should find a girl and settle down.
Fuck, he probably didn't even know how to love. He had broken many hearts since his teenage years, when he discovered the damage his dark brown puppy dog eyes could cause.
The weather wasn't bad that night, the breeze and the sound of the sea were nice, he liked it, it was relaxing.
As he searched for the last cigarette he had saved from his last pack, patting all his pockets, he saw a silhouette on the beach. It was dark, but he could see something moving towards the sea.
Damn, he should have gone to that ophthalmologist that Mrs. Peek, his secretary at the police station, had scheduled for him. He lit the cigarette and took a drag, letting the smoke burn his lungs. He was already fucked anyway, he barely had the breath to run after some punk ass kids who wanted to act tough yesterday.
But he kept watching, something caught his attention. He saw the wind messing up long brown hair. A woman.
He looked at his watch. It was 01:31 in the morning. What the fuck was this woman doing alone at this hour on the beach, walking towards the ocean?
Nice... that was all he needed in the early hours of his Saturday off. Trouble. As part of his job, he had to ensure the safety of any individual.
He threw what was left of his cigarette on the asphalt of the grocery store car park. With long strides, he crossed the street towards the beach. Damn, those shoes were new, and he was going to step on the sand and ruin them.
What the hell is this woman doing?
" Hey, ma'am? Ma'am? Can you stop where you are, please?"
You didn't turn to him or stop. You remained determined, this was the moment, the end... your feet weren't going to fail you now. You were tired, a kind of tiredness that doesn't go away after a good night's sleep, it was a tiredness of the soul. A pain for which there is no cure. An emptiness that has never been filled by anything or understood by anyone. In your early 30s, you didn't even know what you wanted to do with your life. Every college you tried wasn't what you were looking for. Every job... you gave up. The constant thought that you are inferior to everything and everyone was always there. You were never the first choice, in nothing, not even from the people you considered your friends, they said you're too dramatic and seeks attention, so they gave up on you. Not even from your family, they always considered you too weak or too emotional, and neither any man you dated, you were always the one who healed the love that another woman had left behind. You never felt loved, you accepted crumbs of what you thought was love, only to be abandoned and humiliated, with the excuse that you were too needy. Are you really needy? Maybe, you are. You're a mess. Why live? People didn't love you, and you didn't love yourself, which is much worse.
The stranger's was getting closer and closer... and breathless.
"Miss, can you tell me why..."
You didn't let him finish, you turned to him and shouted, not caring about your appearance, your eyes swollen and red from crying for hours, pale from not eating for days, scared of what you were about to do, but at the same time determined to end all your suffering.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! A woman can't even try to end her fucking life in peace in this fucking place?"
Panic. That's all Javier felt when he heard your words. And fear. An exchange of glances between you that lasted a few seconds, he could feel all the unbearable pain and anguish, an emptiness, a darkness, something frightening, if he believed it, he could say he saw the sadness of your soul.
But also, he had never seen it before. such beautiful big eyes, the same colour as his. And so sad.
"Miss, I won't allow it! There's a solution for everything! Can you please stop walking now?"
You didn't stop. He panicked even more.
"I SAID NOW!"
His shout and deep voice made you jump in fright, and you stopped, but you weren't going to give up. You wanted to know who this asshole was, disrupting the only moment that made sense in your life.
"Dude, just leave me alone, There's nothing you can do, mind your own fucking business!"
"Miss, you can get as angry as you like, but I won't let anything happen to you, no matter how much you want it to."
The calmness and patience with which he speaks to you is irritating.
"Oh, is that so?"
You challenged him.
He slowly approached you, extending his hands for you to take. You looked at his hands, and for a moment you felt... safe, as if they were a welcoming nest in the midst of a storm. You wanted to hold this stranger's hand, but you can't give up now.
Javi approached slowly, as if he were approaching a frightened and deeply wounded animal... one he wanted to care for and protect from the world.
But since when does he care about someone he's never seen before? This was a odd new feeling for him.
"Yep, is that so. C'mere, let's talk, huh? What's your name, darling?"
"It doesn't matter! Go away!"
"Your name is 'It doesn't matter'? ... Then okay, 'Miss It doesn't matter',I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you."
Ha ha, what a funny guy, you thought.
"What if I go into the ocean?"
"I'll go in too!"
Now you let out a mocking snort that was meant to be a laugh.
"You can barely breathe!"
You stop to look at him. He's charming. Actually, he's beautiful. A strong face, a jawline that looks like it was sculpted by some renowned artist from ancient Rome. When he looks around to see if there's anyone else on the beach, you study his profile, and he definitely looks like a sculpture. And he has a mustache.
"I know, darling... I'm trying to quit smoking and you're giving me anxiety, which makes me want to smoke even more. So... come on, give me your hand, let's go somewhere safe, okay?"
You want to go, you want to trust him, but you can't go on living like this.
"I don't want to, I'm too tired, way too tired of this! I'm so tired of this empty shitty life. I'm going to shut up, you don't understand.No one will care if i simply disappear."
"I will."
Why would he care? What's wrong with this guy?
"I couldn't live with myself, knowing that I didn't save a young, beautiful woman who has her whole life ahead of her."
Your eyes start to burn, and big, fat tears start rolling down your face, that lump in your throat, like a scream that can't get out, and that anguish in your chest get even worse. Why would this man care about your life? He doesn't even know you. You look at him again, you want to trust him.
This time, it's Javi who studies you. You are beautiful, your skin is lighter than his, your hair is long and straight with perfect curls at the ends. Your face is delicate, the tip of your small nose is red from crying so much, your lips are swollen, but it's your eyes that he knows he will never forget. They are so damn beautiful, he could drown in them...
... and then he remembers why he is in this situation, he has to prevent a suicide, this is serious. When it's all over and you're okay, he... maybe he can... no, he can't. He's trouble.
he thought.
"My name is Javier. I'm new here, I don't have any friends. Would you like to be my friend and show me around?"
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child, I'm 34 years old!"
Great, he managed to get some information out of you.
"Only 34?"
"I'm old!"
"Darling, if you're old, then I should be in a nursing home. In fact, I already feel like I should be wearing diapers."
You give a small smile and sigh wearily.
"God, a cigarette would be nice right now."
Javier he spoke very quietly to himself, was dying for one.
You're intrigued, where did this man come from?
"How old are you?"
"Wow, it's not polite to ask a gentleman his age like that... you should buy me a drink first."
Now you let out a sincere laugh. He's an idiot, but he's funny.
Javier feels relief slowly coursing through his veins, his heart gradually slowing down.
"I'm 48. Look, how about you buy me a coffee? I believe there's a place two blocks from here called Mi..."
"Miller's," you finish. "They have the best burgers around here."
"Really? I've never tried them. You can buy me one and we can start our friendship from there. What do you say?"
Javier reaches out to you once more, for a handshake, as if closing a deal. But your hands are too busy anxiously holding the hem of your dress. You don't know if you can really trust him, You don't trust anyone. Trusting means having your heart broken. And you don't even know if there's any part of your heart left that can be broken.
Javi notices that you are shivering. At night until the beginning of the morning, the temperature is always lower, and near the ocean, it is even colder. He takes off his leather jacket and, with the excuse of putting it on your shoulders, just to moves closer to you. Now you have no way to escape. He's tall, and he smells like expensive cologne mixed with marlboro red's, and peppermint gum. It's kind a pleasant smell, No, actually, he smells really good.
"I don't have any money. I didn't bring anything when I left home."
He takes a quick look and notices that you are barefoot, and up close, it's even more obvious that you haven't slept or eaten in days, with large purple circles around your eyes. He doesn't know you, he didn't know you existed until 40 minutes ago, and now your existence is all that matters to him.
"No problem, I'll pay and then you can pay me back."
You just shake your head in embarrassment and bite your lower lip. It's a tic you've had since childhood, it's actually your anxiety, you haven't taken your anti-anxiety medication in days.
Javi notices, and he also notices that even though they are pale, your lips are beautiful, delicate, round and plump.
Why is he acting like this? At such an absurd hour, he's checking on a depressed girl. He takes a deep breath and clears his throat, he's an asshole, a womanizer without scruples, as he had heard so many times before.... but you are so beautiful. It seems like you stepped out of a dream. For you a bad dream, though... But for him ... a good dream, one he hasn't had in many years. If he were on drugs, he'd be sure you were a hallucination.
He puts his arm around your shoulders, and you feel even smaller and more embarrassed. He's huge and strong, you are sure that if you tried to run away now, he would catch you with just one of his big fingers. He holds you tight against his body and he's so warm.
"Inés."
Javi gave a half smile, he managed to gain a little of your trust.
"Beautiful name, Inés! Let's get you out of here and get something to eat, go somewhere safe, I don't want my only friend here walking around alone."
You roll your eyes and take a deep breath. He talks to you as if you were a child. But, God knows how much you need a friend, you have no one, you've been lonely your whole life.