Lost
description: now that he’s lost you, winning means nothing
genre: angst to open ending (i cannot commit to angst, it’s just too sad)
warnings: anxiety, substance use as a coping mechanism
Kageyama Tobio knew that he had grown up too soon when it was too late;
when smiles were rare to come by, and never managed to reach his eyes; when he pushed everyone that he loved away (because people can’t leave you if they’re already gone); when his determination to succeed turned into an obsession.
Kageyama Tobio knew that he had lost himself when even you couldn’t find him.
You weren’t there to will the clouds away, so he stayed in the shadows- but he deserved it.
He had lost his guide, his one way out of the dark abyss his mind had become- only it was his fault.
Part of him wanted to chase after you, to apologize for what he had done, even though he had promised himself that he would never neglect you; but he did. He deserved to be locked away in the hell that he had created for himself. He didn’t deserve your compassion but even so, he longed for it.
He wanted to slump into your arms like he used to and have you hold him tightly, humming softly. He wanted your fingers in his hair. He wanted his hands in yours- they had always fit so perfectly together. He wanted to make you smile, even if it was only a slight quirk of the corner of your mouth.
Kageyama Tobio wanted to be a kid again. He wanted to be happy; back when his grandfather was still alive, back when you still loved him.
Kageyama Tobio wanted nothing more than to want nothing.
You had always told him that his determination was one of his greatest strengths, but how could it do him any good if his determination for volleyball was the reason he lost you?
He thought he had gotten better, really he did. His time at karasuno helped him outgrow his King Mentality, and you couldn’t have been more proud of him;
but good things don’t last forever.
Why did he stay late practicing all those nights? Why did he leave you alone in your shared apartment? if he had been better then maybe-
------
You had made his favorite food the day that you left. He had come home to the lights off- it was always dark when he got home- you were probably in bed. Everything felt normal until he saw the note on the table, next to a cold bowl of pork curry. Happy Anniversary! was scribbled out and replaced with i’m leaving.
Kageyama Tobio was a proud man- it was difficult not to be prideful as a professional athlete; but he was beginning to see the fault in this as well.
Playing for the Schweiden Alders was a massive accomplishment. He wanted to make you proud so he worked himself to the bone, day and night at practice; but you each took pride in different things. Kageyama believed that he needed to be the best setter, and if he couldn’t achieve this, all of his hard work would be wasted. Whereas your pride resided within an accumulation of memories. shared happiness made your heart swell. His volleyball career only mattered to you because it mattered to him. you didn’t ask for this life, yet he had forced it onto you.
He had been selfish.
His determination propelled him forwards but he didn’t know how to slow the blades. Little by little, the spinning metal chipped away at his mind until he had lost the very essence of himself. He couldn’t slow down, and in doing so Kageyama Tobio had lost the one person in his life that kept him sane.
The effects were almost immediate. His heart slowed but his mind moved at an impossible speed. He was desperately trying to keep himself from falling apart, fighting an uphill battle against his own mind. Countless nights, his thoughts were dedicated to you and what ifs.
What if he had been on time that night?
What if he had worked harder? There had to be a way he could have both, right?
But the question that plagued his mind the most frequent:
What if he just wasn’t good enough?
And that’s what it really came down to, his pride; because Kageyama Tobio was always good enough. He put in the effort required- and more- everyday at practice. He worked his way up from the bottom to be one of the best setters in all of Japan, so how did he lose with you?
But mixed within the bewildered feeling that consumed his mind, Kageyama knew that it was only a matter of time. He knew exactly why you were leaving him, and as much as he wanted to chase after you, he knew you deserved better.
-----
Even so, it sickened him how well he was playing. His first official game back was a few weeks after you had left and he had never played better. his body moved in the way he had worked so hard to train it to; every step was polished to perfection and the footwork came as naturally as breathing. Until after a particularly impressive service ace, Kageyama’s eyes glanced across the seat that was always reserved for you, only to find someone else sitting in it and that empty feeling in his chest grew a little bigger.
You were really gone. Maybe part of him had thought that you didn’t really mean it- like this was the same as your other arguments where you’d finally come around back to him. Panic began to build up in his throat and his mind clouded over.
Had he even called you?
Kageyama wiped his hands on his jersey in an attempt to dry them off. It felt like he was moving in slow motion as he walked back to the service line; jaw tightening into iron, leaving him unable to respond to Hoshiumi’s concerned question, settling for a stiff nod instead.
His joints had stiffened and his body felt too tense, but there was nothing he could do about it, only a spectator trapped in his mind, forced to watch the mechanical cyborg he had become go through the motions.
The referee’s whistle- which normally brought his mind into focus- made his body jolt and he couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling inside of him.
The ball was suddenly up in the air, a perfect, high toss; and his shoes squeaked against the gym floor: right, left, right, left. The contact was solid enough to feel his brain rattle inside his skull;
Another ace.
And as the crowd cheered his name, Kageyama Tobio hoped that somewhere, someone noticed that something was wrong with him.
Help me.
------
The vodka burned as it slid down his throat, but he didn’t care- in fact he welcomed the feeling; at least he was feeling something.
It was dark in the apartment. Kageyama refused to turn the lights on ever since you had left. He didn’t need to be reminded how empty everything was without you.
That’s what he told you, in one of his seven voicemails that he had drunkenly left before passing out on the couch.
He didn’t remember what had happened when he had woken up. After checking to see if there were any messages from you- there weren’t- he stumbled to get ready for practice.
------
This became his new routine. play a match, drink to forget his problems, leave you embarrassing voicemails, and go to practice the next day.
Why did he push you away? He could feel that something was wrong, so why did he ignore it? Why did he have to be so selfish?
Kageyama Tobio was reminded of his fear of solitude.
The silence was unbearable- suffocating. It came slowly, creeping up his chest and tightening around his neck; he was stuck in a constant state of asphyxiation and his mind had clouded over until you were the subject of every thought.
Had he always been this cold? Or had you just been there to pull his hands into yours and massage the warmth back?
Kageyama Tobio wasn’t sad, he was numb.
------
Schweiden Alders 24 vs Tachibana Red Falcons 23
The referee’s whistle was shrill in his ears and the crowd roared Kageyama's name as he made his way to the service line.
One more, just one more and then he could be done.
Were you watching him? Before, even if you couldn’t make it to a match, you would still always watch the broadcasting. He hoped you were.
“Nice serve, Kageyama,” Ushijima encouraged, snapping him out of his thoughts.
With a curt nod and another whistle from the referee, he tossed the ball high into the air and slammed it onto the other side of the court: an ace.
As the spectators cheered loudly and his team crowded around him excitedly, Kageyama Tobio couldn’t help but feel that none of this mattered if he was alone, without you by his side.
------
Hoshiumi wanted to go out to a bar to celebrate, but Kageyama just wanted to go home. He had opted for water tonight, sipping it slowly. It was cold outside and he was exhausted, Besides he normally celebrated with you and-
"Hi, Tobio."
His mouth went dry and he whirled around at the sound of your voice. What were you doing here?
“You guys played well.” you looked normal, bundled up in a big puffer jacket. His eyes didn’t miss the necklace he got you a few years ago with his initials on it.
“Did you enjoy the game?” Kageyama finally remembered how to speak.
“No, not really.”
He knew that his mouth had fallen agape, but couldn’t manage to shut it.
Of course you didn’t- why would he even ask you that? This was the first time he had seen you in a month and that was the first thing he said to you?
“Did you enjoy it?”
“Huh?” the question sent his mind through another whirlwind.
“Well, you just looked really tense out there, that’s all.” you had said it so nonchalantly, it almost went over his head.
Every emotion Kageyama Tobio had felt since you left immediately pumped in his heart and spread through his veins, warming his body. You noticed. Of course you had noticed.
“I miss you.” his voice came out croaky, but he didn’t care.
“I miss you too, Tobio.” your eyes softened and crinkled a little at the corners. You always made that face when you forced a smile.
Don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone, not again.
He didn’t think that he would physically be able to handle it if you had turned up, only to disappear again.
“Wanna grab coffee?”
“Isn’t it a little too late for caffeine?” Kageyama wished his soul would separate from his body so he could punch himself in the gut. Why would he even say that? Of course he wanted to go with you.
You snorted, “Doesn’t have to be coffee, dumbass. I just wanted to talk more, that’s all.”
“Tea sounds good.” His heart ached deep in his chest, but he wasn’t sure if it was from heartbreak or hope. Everything felt so normal, almost as if the past month never happened. How were you able to continue on with your life so easily?
Did all those years that you had spent loving each other really mean nothing?
Of course, you could throw that same question back at him. Kageyama hated himself.
“Let’s get out of here then.”
He nodded, quickly gathering his things.
He would not mess this up– whatever this was or could be.
