part 1
I honestly never thought I would be writing this. Usually, it stays where it was first created or thought of; my mind. However, I just… I am just sick of keeping this shit for myself. I need to breathe a little, or simply stop breathing. I have been considering suicide since I was 14. At that time, one of my friends did take her own life. I honestly did not know what suicide was before she does. Ever since that, suicide has become my plan b. whenever I was in trouble, I was like “its okay, if I do not find a reasonable solution to get me out of this, I will kill myself”.
i wrote this 7 years ago. and the fact that there hasn’t been a day where suicide didn’t cross my mind is honestly scary. i had no reason to take my own life. when you can’t see further past the tunnel, you think you’ll live in darkness forever. with hindsight, life is nuanced. day and night. you can’t have the day forever and you can’t escape the night. you have to live through both. and enjoy both, cause everything is enjoyable as long as you know how to live. the irony is that the only way you could learn how to live is by living. whether it’s getting hurt by someone who promised they won’t or not finding a job, you learn from everything. every little event, every encounter, every interaction. everything happens for a reason. and at the end, everything will be okay. and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. i had to learn this the hard way, and after going through so many intense reactions. screaming. crying. throwing up. panic attacks. anxiety attacks. being frightened. hurting myself. hurting the ones that i love and card most about.
so this is a message for past me:
i thought about killing myself recently. and the only thing that convinced me not to do it, is you. i’ve been able to make some of your dreams come true, even the craziest ones. i look up to you so much and i sincerely thank you for not losing hope and letting go of yourself. it gets better. you’ve been able to do so many things that seemed unachievable. i’m so sorry you had lost hope, but the lights of the tunnel don’t always work.
we haven’t reached the end yet, but we’re on our way.
i love you. and your family loves you. and god loves you.















