hxzjaureguii @sweetspringlavender - Tumblr Blog

part 1

I honestly never thought I would be writing this. Usually, it stays where it was first created or thought of; my mind. However, I just… I am just sick of keeping this shit for myself. I need to breathe a little, or simply stop breathing. I have been considering suicide since I was 14. At that time, one of my friends did take her own life. I honestly did not know what suicide was before she does. Ever since that, suicide has become my plan b. whenever I was in trouble, I was like “its okay, if I do not find a reasonable solution to get me out of this, I will kill myself”.

sweetspringlavender

i wrote this 7 years ago. and the fact that there hasn’t been a day where suicide didn’t cross my mind is honestly scary. i had no reason to take my own life. when you can’t see further past the tunnel, you think you’ll live in darkness forever. with hindsight, life is nuanced. day and night. you can’t have the day forever and you can’t escape the night. you have to live through both. and enjoy both, cause everything is enjoyable as long as you know how to live. the irony is that the only way you could learn how to live is by living. whether it’s getting hurt by someone who promised they won’t or not finding a job, you learn from everything. every little event, every encounter, every interaction. everything happens for a reason. and at the end, everything will be okay. and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. i had to learn this the hard way, and after going through so many intense reactions. screaming. crying. throwing up. panic attacks. anxiety attacks. being frightened. hurting myself. hurting the ones that i love and card most about.

so this is a message for past me:

i thought about killing myself recently. and the only thing that convinced me not to do it, is you. i’ve been able to make some of your dreams come true, even the craziest ones. i look up to you so much and i sincerely thank you for not losing hope and letting go of yourself. it gets better. you’ve been able to do so many things that seemed unachievable. i’m so sorry you had lost hope, but the lights of the tunnel don’t always work.

we haven’t reached the end yet, but we’re on our way.

i love you. and your family loves you. and god loves you.

littlewhitelihes

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ah my heart

sweetspringlavender

reblogging this to keep it

i like you best when you’re with me and no one else

some people are artists some themselves are art

he hurt me but it felt like true love

coneyisl3nd

bunny-cig

taurusbae222

𝑺𝑴𝑨𝑹𝑻 𝑩𝑨𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑬 𝑨𝑭𝑭𝑰𝑹𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺

✐ i am the smartest being known to man kind

✐ i have always been so intelligent

✐ it is so normal for me to have a great understanding any subject

✐ i have the highest IQ in the whole multiverse

✐ i have always gotten an A+ in every subject

✐ it is so easy for me to study

✐ i am such a creative writer

✐ i have always gotten my work done so quickly

✐ i am so highly intelligent, that even albert einstein wishes he was as intelligent as me

✐ i always have all the answers inside of me

✐ i have always had amazing photographic memory

✐ i have aced every test i have ever had

✐ it has always been a fast reader

✐ i have always been able to easily solve equations in my head

I was 11 when Born To Die was released. I vividly recall seeing the music video for its title-track and being in awe of this powerful singer bedecked in a flower crown, proudly seated atop a throne, and with a signature crimson pout. Her vocals were strange to me, unlike any I had heard or was used to hearing. From its instantly recognisable opening line (‘Feet don’t fail me now’) to its perfectly penned chorus, ‘Born To Die’ constitutes the ultimate album opener.

I remember buying the CD and listening to it on car journeys – some of the songs were miserable and melancholic, others sultry and sensual.

The stripped-back simplicity of ‘Video Games’, with its fluttering piano notes, flourishing bell chimes, and unmistakeable vocal performance, all hinging on its evocative chorus (‘It’s you, it’s you. It’s all for you.’) It should be no surprise that Q Magazine named ‘Video Games’ the Song of the Decade in 2019.

The overnight success of its viral music video catapulted Elizabeth to stardom. It is a carefully constructed montage of visuals; video clips of skaters and swimmers, young couples and yellow taxi cabs are interspersed between shots of Lana singing directly into the camera, hair coifed into a bouffant, lips pouted.

It is, in some ways, a cinematic odyssey. The expertly executed music video for ‘National Anthem’, has Lana and then-boyfriend rapper A$AP Rocky assuming the roles of Jackie and John F. Kennedy. ‘Blue Jeans’ depicts her embracing a heavily tattooed lover in a pool, through a black and white hued lens.

It all reflects the album’s highly theatrical production. Think the bells on ‘Summertime Sadness’, the striking string arrangements of ‘Lolita’, the woozy Bond-esque ‘Million Dollar Man’, or the static distortion on tracks like ‘Radio’ and ‘This Is What Makes Us Girls.’

Inflections of trip-hop crop up on ‘Diet Mountain Dew’ and ‘Off To The Races’, a realm that will be further explored on subsequent albums like Lust For Life. The latter track with its slow-burning opening soon accelerates into a thrilling sung-spoken verse before its infectious sing-along chorus. ‘Off To The Races’ is also the most obviously indebted to Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, with the exception of its namesake song. Its pre-chorus refrain is borrowed from the book’s opening line ‘Light of my life, fire of my loins.’ One of the most notorious and controversial novels of the 20th century, Del Rey’s use of its imagery is of course intentional.

My personal favourite track on Born To Die was and remains ‘Radio’. Its crackly distorted beginning creates the impression that the needle has just been dropped onto a beloved old record. ‘Not even they can stop me now’ – her vocal kicks in, deep, hypnotic, determined – ‘Their heavy words can’t bring me down.’ As a teenage girl, I felt inspired, it imbued me with a sense of resilience. ‘Radio’ is a song about old acquaintances and ex-boyfriends coming back into Lana’s life now she is famous, with its sassy refrain ‘How do you like me now?’ figuratively sticking a middle finger up to those who doubted her.

Born To Die, as with other Del Rey records, offers a romanticised America, an idealised country, exuding Hollywood glamour, but also exposing its darker side. Abusive relationships, imbalances of power, and manipulative (often, older) men have been subjects of her songwriting, prompting controversy. The symbolism of location continues to pervade her work – with Ultraviolence’s ‘Brooklyn Baby’ and ‘West Coast’ tracing America’s expanse.