Lauralee @swiftlygettingthroughitall - Tumblr Blog

feeling distant

Feeling ✨ anxious ✨

15th October 2023

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. For starters, xtopher and I broke up due to some fucked up shit. Like he's a psychopath and I want nothing to do with him. His fury has no bounds and it's scary to be around someone who is so quick to annihilate someone he "loves." I'm way too grown for this.

It kind sucks that I was ready to commit to this man for life and he played me like this.

Whatever, on to more important things, work makes me anxious. I started two weeks ago and I already feel like I'm underperforming. I'm hoping that's because I was in Trinidad and unsettled. Because my productivity was low, even though I was working! Not slacking. My brain is moving in slow motion and idk what to do. Maybe it's the aftergrad fogginess....???? I just need to survive the next two days and everything will be good. I'll have to ask Kerry for the workhaus subscription thing tomorrow.

Living for the hope of it all,

Lauralee <3

he's not the sun. i am.

I'm not sure when the last time I updated here but I'm in a relationship with a man who has pursued me for almost a year and I finally agreed to date him.

It's been going well and he's been treating me okay. At the start, everything was amazing. It was dreamy. He matched everything my heart has ever desired romantically. But only time can time, and boy is it telling.

You would think that if you pursued someone for a whole year, told them you loved them way in advance that they would love you for you. But no. He "loves" me for who he thinks I can be and for my supposed future self. I'm more of an item on a todo list for him to check off rather than someone he loves organically.

But suddenly, I'm saying things that I've always been saying and he doesn't like it. Why couldn't he not like it when we weren't together? Why couldn't he filter me out from way back when instead of waiting for me to fall in love with him to tell me that he doesn't like me the way I am and he won't be with me unless I change. Isn't that wrong?

I deserve to be loved and appreciated for who I am right now. In my current state of existence. I have dreams and aspirations, I know who I am. I try my best to live a kind life. I try to balance work, school and play with the best of my ability. I do my best to experience life in the fullest.

So now we're playing the waiting game until we break up. Either he musters the courage to accept that I'm not the woman he wants to be with and breaks up with me, or I reach my breaking point of how much I can tolerate and end things with him. Which really sucks bc I love him for him. I love him despite his flaws. He worries, stresses, overworks himself, etc etc. But I accept him for who he is and I don't fault him for it and I don't expect him to change. I don't even want him to change. Do I want him to grow and learn how to manage his life for the better? Absolutely. Because I want the best for HIM and not as an ulterior motive for the betterment of my life.

So yeah, I'm the sun. My happiness depends on me and me alone. Well, and my family bc I love my family and I don't want anything to hurt them ever. I'm going to follow my passions and work towards achieving my ambitions. I'm going to play tennis, watch sports, travel if I want to, do whatever the hell I want to without anyone holding me back. I will fail along the way, but I will have the courage and the resilience to get back up and try again. Because life isn't about being perfect, it's about trying your best and being kind, loving without limits.

-xoxo Lauralee

and you knew what it was, you are in love!!!!

I now realize what love is. In my language. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel so genuinely cared for and appreciated. He’s generous, smart, funny, kind, loving, capable, clean!!! I absolutely adore spending time with him. I am in loveeee

- xoxo Lauralee 🥹

hot gyal onna speaker box

hey tumblr, it’s been a hot minute.

I’m doing my final co-op from my family’s house and it’s been a challenge for sure. Before the pandemic, I dreaded coming home but the first couple times being home after being gone for so long were filled with a lot of joy and left me with a longing to return. So, I put plans in motion to spend at least 3 months with my family before I enter a new chapter in my life.

Nothing is perfect but you know what? Despite all the traumatic experiences that I won’t get into, I got to be with my mom, sister, dad, siblings, grandparents, dog, friends. I was able to experience playing mas, which in itself was worth every single second living under this roof. I went Tobago and had a blast.

I haven’t had the smoothest past 2 weeks. Enough has happened that could have broken me but yet I stand. There’s always a silver lining to be seen and I just have to be gracious wherever possible. I can’t control how others react and how they self regulate. I’m only responsible for my own actions and I will try my best to strike a balance between doing what’s best for me while also maintaining peace with those around me.

Work has been exhausting and testing me and I’m so tired. So truly tired. I can’t wait to end this co-op and return to Canada. I miss being on my own.

- L

happy, free, confused, lonely 2022

I was very excited about being 22 years old because I believed that it would be a magical, Taylor Swift year. And it did not disappoint. My year was filled with laughter, reading, tennis, sports, travelling, heartbreak that led to a discovery of self love, and a renewed appreciation for the people in my life. Highlights:

- I achieved validation in my profession through my 8 month internship. I developed bonds with coworkers that I never thought possible. We had electric chemistry that allowed for our team to be a well oiled machine.

- Travelled to Europe for the first time, visited Stamford Bridge and got to see a live Premier League game: Chelsea FC vs Leicester City.

- Played sooo much tennis. I could not have done it without meeting Kim. My friendship with Kim was very unexpected and our pairing is strange, but somehow it works. Through her I was able to join Greystone and that opened up a realm of pure bliss for me.

- Greystone. J’adore. I got to meet so many lovely people at Greystone. It quickly became a safe haven for me where I would go to destress.

- My kindle!!! Books!!! I lived so many lives vicariously.

- Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal playing together for one last time!!! A very emotional experience.

- My break up. I wish my ex all the best but our breakup was overdue. I felt like a bird getting wings for the first time, and it was glorioussss. When I no longer felt pressured to make time for someone else, I made time for meeee. More walks, more sunsets, more tennis, more life, more everythingggg.

- Taylor Swift!!!

- Toronto with the boys!!! Bro. Love. LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH.

- Barbara. She deserves her own bullet point because that girl has a hold on my heart like no other. I can tell her any and everything without feeling like I’m sounding dumb or being too emotional.

Here’s to 2023 🎉

spiralling

I’m really not having the best time right now. I want to go home and disassociate. Life is really overwhelming. I have to wake up tomorrow and fix my PR and work on another one that I’m having trouble with and it’s not because of me but because of my co-worker who isn’t clear and I feel like I’m failing and drowning and crashing and burning. Tomorrow begins yet another week of feeling inadequate. And I hate that for me.

But right now, I’m going to get ready to go tennis and I’m going to make my way to that tennis court and be happy. Or at least try to be. Because the tennis court is definitely my favourite place to be (one of). Every week in high school, even the best weeks, my safe haven, my light at the end of the tunnel was always that damn tennis court. I’ll never forget it.

I love this game

where every 4 months, I go through the interview process (which is hell). But I get to challenge myself and have something to look forward to as motivation. I want a job in the first round of postings so I’m going to work on my side project. Or I’m graduating next year so I’m going to learn about this new technology and put it into practice.

That being said, I’m such a pragmatic, ambitious person that I feel the need to plan everything. I have all these goals and I need to put aside the time to go through them, prioritise them, and then put timelines in place to action said goals. And this takes time and energy. This in itself is a whole process. So that’s what I’m gonna work towards. Putting aside the resources that I need to push myself towards the finish line!

#computer science #ambitious #girls who code #javascript #interviews #technical interviews

A bitter sweet Christmas 2021

Because I missed Christmas 2020, I had a much greater appreciation for the holidays this time around. I savoured every moment of today and I wish I can do it all again. I love my family so much. Nothing special in particular happened today, rather it was a day well spent with family. I got to see my favourite cousins on both sides of the family. We played cards like we were in high school again, although we didn’t stay up until dawn playing games.

But now I’m really very very sad because I’m leaving for Canada tomorrow, on Boxing Day, after having such an enjoyable, nostalgic Christmas Day. It’s a very bittersweet feeling. I wish I could’ve stayed longer to be here with my mommy and my sister. I love them so much.

I hope that I can return soon and I get to spend time with my grandparents! Before I leave, I always try to picture the moment in my head so I can reflect on it, just in case something happens. I’d be so sad if I couldn’t remember our last times together. Morbid I know but we’re in a pandemic and I’m miles away.

At the very least, the pandemic has taught me to really savour quality time together with my families. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and I like living in the moment, soaking up every bit of joy.

#christmas #pandemic #family #love #joy

the worst part about breaking up with someone is that you know it’s the right decision but you don’t want to hurt the other person. like i don’t want to hurt you. i love you. i dont want to put you through this pain. but i have to, for me.

please forgive me.

it hurts

Of course it hurts. when you lose someone that you love, it hurts.

When that person has been your rock throughout a pandemic, it will hurt.

When they have loved and supported you throughout your crazy, it must hurt.

When they’ve given you everything and tried their very best to make the relationship, of course it will hurt.

I don’t know what to do now. He’s been a huge part of my life for my entire twenties. And now you’re about to be 22 and sad, confused and lonely at the same time. Not exactly what Taylor said.

I feel like someone broke into my chest and stole my heart. I don’t know how to be without him. But I will have to learn. I love him more than anything. He is my favourite person. I hope he will be okay. I’ll be praying for him. For the loss of us to hurt less for him. I didn’t deserve him. We tried. We really did fight till the very end. But sometimes, it be like dah. & it’s okay to be heartbroken.

It doesn’t make it hurt less though.

#heartbreak #I love him more than anything #but it's time to say goodbye

currently up crying because my dad has covid and he is irresponsible and my grandfather is probably going to get covid and I’m afraid that he won’t survive and he won’t ever know that I bought his book for him that he asked me to buy earlier this year but I didn't but now I have and I was going to give it to him when I flew down for Christmas but now im not going home anymore and idk when next I'll see him )):

GOD PLEASE PROTECT MY GRANDFATHER AND LET ME SEE HIM AGAIN PLEASE GOD PLEASE

Romance novels. But in England. In the 18th century. YES PLEASE

On October 11th 2021, I was on a flight back home, reading my book. A man, in queue for the bathroom, reached over me and turned on the light so that I wouldn’t hurt my eyes. It was a day flight. But this complete stranger was considering my eye sight. And I think that’s beautiful. I was very touched by it. It’s a reminder that there are genuinely good people in the world <3

some people need to learn how to use Tumblr LOL why did I get an email about timelines from HIGH SCHOOL. Sir WHaT you could’ve kept this to yourself !!!

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