“Okay, fine, Rachel. You want to do this, fine. I think you’re the bravest member of the group. I think in a bad fight I’d rather have you with me than anyone else. But yeah, Rachel, I think there’s something pretty dark down inside you. I think you’re the only one of us who would be disappointed if all this ended tomorrow. Cassie hates all this, Marco has personal reasons for being in this war, Ax just wants to go home and fight Yeerks with his own people, Tobias ... who knows what Tobias wants anymore? But you, Rachel, you love it. It’s what makes you so brave. It’s what makes you so dangerous to the Yeerks.”
I let his words blow past me. I heard them, I’d feel them later, but I didn’t want to feel them right then.
“You did think I’d go kill David the other day. My God.”
“No. I thought you’d scare him. I thought you’d say the things it took to scare him. I thought you’d say whatever you had to. And I thought that of any of us, David would be most likely to fear you.”
An attendant pushed a wheeled bed slowly past. I tried to look at myself the way Jake saw me. Was it true? Did I love this war?
“I worry about you, Rachel. More than any of the others except Tobias. I feel like this war is to you like booze is to an alcoholic. Like I don’t know what will happen to you if it all ends someday. What are you going to do? Go back to being the world’s greatest shopper? Go back to gymnastics and getting good grades?”
I laughed harshly. “You worry about me? What do you think you’re going to do? Jake, you’re a leader now. You make life-and-death decisions. All the time. You’ve learned to do that. And,” I added bitterly, “you’ve learned to use people. You use them for their strengths and their weaknesses. Worry about me? Like when all this is over you’ll go back to being a mediocre basketball player and a decent student? You’re not even in high school yet and you’re the most wanted person in the Yeerk Empire. Visser Three would trade his Blade ship for your head on a stick.”…
“I’m not going to lose it, Jake,” I said, staring down at the polished linoleum. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I do kind of get off on it all. But I still know where the line is. And I won’t cross it. I am not some kind of nut. I know what I’m doing.”
Jake nodded. “I know you do. But everyone draws their own line. Cassie’s is in one place. Marco’s is somewhere else. Yours is in another. Mine ...” He made a failed attempt at a smile. “For example, see, I used to think my line was drawn at using my friend, my cousin, to do my dirty work. Guess that turned out not to be true. Sorry, Rachel.”
Brb losing my mind over all the foreshadowing in this scene in animorphs #22
