It is daunting for any young person to find out that a part of their identity, a label they have used to identify as for a long time, no longer applies and it takes a lot of time and soul searching to find something they are comfortable with. Many people also find that even if they have found a label they want to stick with, or they are finally coming to terms with their identity, it is hard to fit in and they feel insecure in themselves.
Many of the questions we get on this blog ask us how they can accept themselves; how they can feel less pigeon-holed into being either gay or straight. We also get a lot of questions about how someone can ease into their transitioning stage, or begin it by coming out. Understandably, it is a difficult process and it is often riddled with obstacles.
However, we have an answer for all of you.
For many people, especially those who have negative feelings about their sexuality, it takes a lot of time to process things so we emphasize this advice a lot. Remember how you felt starting a new school or moving house? Those were changes that made things feel scary and new because you were moving into another stage of your life. For some, there is anxiety and dread. “How will I make friends?” “What will my new room look like?” And for others, there is nothing but excitement because you have found somewhere you feel comfortable and you are looking forward to facing any new challenges. The same goes for your sexuality. For those who feel daunted by the prospect of taking on a new label, remember that labels are for comfort and if you don’t feel comfortable, either you’re not okay with that label or you’re just not comfortable with yourself. Both of which are okay! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will get to the point where you are more comfortable with your identity eventually.
Being around people who help you to grow as a person is important. Those who care about you will be there to support you and to have a good time with. You need to be able to accept yourself on your own as you are the only one who feels the feelings you do but it doesn’t hurt to have people around you who lift you up! Those who make you feel invalidated aren’t people you want to be around because everyone needs healthy friendships. For example, if someone constantly tells you that your feelings or sexuality is wrong, or is negative about it, it will not be good for you. Obviously, there will be people who you do not have a choice in being around but with those who you do, surround yourself with people who bring the best out in you and themselves.
If part of the reason is how other people treat you, and you cannot necessarily be away from these people, it is important to remember to stand your ground and be confident in who you are. Try not to let it affect you. Always remember that people who care about you, will love you no matter what. Sometimes it can take time for somebody to come to terms with your identity, but as long as you have a decent bond with the person, this shouldn’t take too long and you shouldn’t worry about it.
Use labels only for comfort
As I said in the previous paragraph, many people find comfort in labels because they feel less alone. They feel as if there are other people who identify the way they do and that there is a name to what they are feelings; they are not ‘going mad’! If you are not completely ready to come to terms with things, it is a lot harder to use a label as it may just cause the anxiety of not wanting to get the wrong one. This is okay as everyone changes and sexuality is often not rigid. It is okay to use one label over another. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Manage your anxiety and bad thoughts
If you have doubts about your sexuality or gender identity, remind yourself time and time again that these doubts are just doubts if you know deep down that you are what you identify as. And even if you’re not sure, it’s okay to change your mind! Growing up is about learning about yourself. If these thoughts become too much emotionally, please seek help. We have a page with information if you need to know who to call, or whose website to visit. However, we encourage you to speak to an adult or some close to you who can signpost you to someone who can help. You should not be allowed to suffer silently.
If you need to speak to someone, there are resources available for you! Please do not suffer in silence. In an emergency, please contact your emergency services.
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