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The worst you can do is pretend I never was

I’ve tried to be the strong man, but I can’t anymore. Nothing. Just empty. I’ve smoked only partly because I enjoy it. Now, it’s more because of why everyone tells me not to. It’s like a socially acceptable form of what was before. I can’t sleep. I can’t be awake. I can’t look in the mirror, or around the room. Everywhere I look, I just see her. I don’t even know why I still post this stupid passive shit. I only care if she reads it but I know she never will. I’m at my breaking point, right back to where I was. January, 2013 aaaall over again. I just want to cry, but I can’t. I just want the pain to stop. I wish all my questions could be answered. I wish everything would just stop. I finally found out what it means to fall in love and it’s horrible, because the truth is, more times than not, it’s one sided. I still don’t know why I’m writing this, she’s never going to see this. As far as she’s concerned, I never happened. I thought I lost, but now I know I have.

Yeah, I still think of you. Not as much as I used to, but you’re still there. How can you not? You were the only and first boy that really captured my heart in my life when we met. Then, for five years you were my heart. You were my reason for living, but you were also a source of my pain and heartache, during and after our relationship. It took a while to forgive you. I cried, I screamed. A lot. But I let go. I forgave you a while ago, but only just now felt the need to write something. It’s something that I went back and forth about for over a year. I pray for you. I pray that whatever stronghold the devil has over you, you trust in the Lord enough to know it has no authority over you. I pray that your life is filled with His peace, joy and everlasting love. That His best, is what you will get in life. You probably don’t want to hear from me, or even care about what I have to say, but I just wanted to let you know that, regardless of what happened between us, I am here, if you need any support, prayer, or just an ear to rant to.

Hey you..it's nice to hear from you again, after so long. It sounds pretty mutual, where we stand. After so long, I started thinking about trying to message you about something, or anything at all, but I was scared I'd never hear back. There's so much I want to tell you and talk to you about. So much has happened.. I wish I could narrow it down to just one message.. But here we are, so far down the road, crossing paths again across the country. Message me back if you want to hear more from this small time Georgia boy, I'll shoot ya my number.

I just want to feel loved by someone I love.

An old letter

I love the way you give all your change to people in need when you see them. I love the way your glasses lay crooked on the bridge of your nose. I love the way you laugh like you’ve never heard anything funnier. I love the way you talk to animals. I love the way you tense your forehead in every picture unless your laughing. I love the way you kiss me, with all the passion in your body, and no pretension. I love the way you hate the gendering of bath products. I love the way you look at me on those perfect nights that we both wish could last forever. I love the way you still put up with me, even though I’m the loudest person in the world. I love the way you touch me, a gentle giant, so much restrained strength behind your velvet fingertips. I love the way your hands are always stained from working on your car. I love the way you’re protective of everyone you care about. I love the way you’re always worried that somehow overnight, I’ve fallen out of love. I love the way you cuddle. I love the way you’re always too hot. I love the way you let me warm up my toes on your warm legs, and you rarely even complain. I love the way you hum when you cook. I love the way you put on shoes, and the way you wiggle into pants. I love the way you groan and complain before you get up and do it anyways. I love the way you listen. I love the way you talk me down. I love the way you love me. And I love you more than life.

These words carried me through so much. I have dozens of these just lying around, not knowing what to do with them, except just stare. This was actually what I had... Merry Christmas.

The worst you can do is pretend I never was

I've tried to be the strong man, but I can't anymore. Nothing. Just empty. I've smoked only partly because I enjoy it. Now, it's more because of why everyone tells me not to. It's like a socially acceptable form of what was before. I can't sleep. I can't be awake. I can't look in the mirror, or around the room. Everywhere I look, I just see her. I don't even know why I still post this stupid passive shit. I only care if she reads it but I know she never will. I'm at my breaking point, right back to where I was. January, 2013 aaaall over again. I just want to cry, but I can't. I just want the pain to stop. I wish all my questions could be answered. I wish everything would just stop. I finally found out what it means to fall in love and it's horrible, because the truth is, more times than not, it's one sided. I still don't know why I'm writing this, she's never going to see this. As far as she's concerned, I never happened. I thought I lost, but now I know I have.

goddamnit

I can't give up

Word(s)

If you could see the end coming, if you KNOW it's coming...what would you choose your last words to be?

whythefuckisnobodytalkingtome

Begs the question, "Is the sun setting or rising?

I've come a long way, and a lot's happened. I've grown as a man, and I've been through so much...I've been through too much, and that's not an opinion. It was nice to hear some old voices, but others just brought back memories. I hate talking about it, but I guess this is the way things are now. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

Everything was going so well, I thought I had myself in order. Then slam. Back to square one. You'd think in a world where everything is out of your control, a lucid dream would be the great escape. Now even being unconscious is hard.

The past two days were surprising

But last night cracked. It hit me. Rough..

Yeah, I'm fine. It's okay, thanks.

nobody bats a fucking eye.

"I love too much, and by such is happiness thrown away."

Earn your stripes

Have you ever wondered...?

There was so much good, and now there's only bad. And for what? Fucking nothing. Parties. Freedom. Experimenting. Tethers. Distance. Loose ends. Confusion. Feelings. Lack of feelings. Bullshit. But who cares. Nobody ever thinks twice when they're pulling the trigger, rather than getting shot. Doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore.

Ruined already by the day before, whatve I got left to lose? Alcohol, nicotine, drink like a chimney, Because somebody had to choose. Have one too many, try to forget, Already felt sick from whats been, Spill in the driveway and start right over, Wash the taste out with whiskey and gin.

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