I never really thought about impulsivity until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I never once described myself as an impulsive person. I was constantly overthinking things, weighing the pros and cons of every option in my life- how could I possibly be an impulsive person? I never bought anything too expensive without thinking about it for at least weeks before. I didn’t get any tattoos in a moment of excitement. I told my parents where I was going before I did almost anything. I had always done things that were concerning to some people, namely my parents, friends, and therapists. But none of it I had attributed to an impulsive streak.
When My therapist first brought up impulsivity as a symptom of BPD that he had noticed in me, I didn’t understand what he was talking about. And it started to dawn on me, that maybe someone can be impulsive without necessarily acting impulsively. The more I thought about it the more I started to understand some of my own behaviours. While I wasn’t someone who neglected the possible outcomes of any of my actions, I often proceeded with the riskier option anyway. I know in a sense that this kind of counters the entire definition of impulsivity, because we think of it as the tendency to act without thinking. And if we’re thinking only in this sense, then I guess I am not an impulsive person. But I began to work on a definition of impulsivity that fit to my behaviours. I thought about the dangerous consequences of things, but I neglected them. Or rather, I thought about them and chose them because of the danger associated with them. Knowing the possible consequences does very little to hold me back. If anything, the potential for a dangerous outcome makes it almost more difficult to resist.
There does reach a point though, where I feel like I’m not in control. I think I’m enough of an anxious person that I could never really do anything that dangerous without thinking about it first, even for just a split second. But there becomes a point where I’m not even sure I’ve decided, I can feel part of me saying “no” and part of me saying “why not.” At this point I don’t really have a though process, because I know deep down I will end up doing what I should not be doing. And even though I may not act impulsively in many facets of my life, there is a way that I carry myself that is impulsive in my nature.
I’ve tried to rationalize my decisions many ways over the years. Sometimes I think I’m just trying to live in the moment as much as possible. Why would it make sense to choose the safe option when something more gripping and terrifying is also an option? I think some of it stems from the blatant disregard for my safety that is the result of my depression. The truth is, I can rationalize it any way I want, that one day I will want to look back on the things I did do rather that what I didn’t do. But I don’t think in 60 years I will be all too proud of what I have done as an act of impulse when I could have kept myself safe. Truthfully, I think I am still caught up in the idea that I will not live long enough to regret any of my actions, so the fact that some things I do are quite dangerous have no real impact on whether or not I will proceed with them. I live with the thought that if one of my decisions kills me, then that’s what was meant to happen all along. It’s not even necessarily that I seek out dangerous situations to hurt myself, but if the opportunity arises I rarely ever say no. The fact that I will think about the possible consequences and proceed anyway tells me how little I value my own life. I am not impulsive in the way that I don’t think about things. But, I think there are different ways to define impulsivity. I think you can be impulsive with your life, your safety. I even think some of my forethoughts could be delusional, and in this case do they really count as sound thinking? Is it possible to be impulsive and still care? Are they mutually exclusive? I think it’s impossible to say for sure. Some people find a connection with impulsivity that explains erratic behaviour or harmful decisions. The introduction of impulsivity to my symptoms didn’t clear up very much for me. I hadn’t stumbled upon this type of decision making, it had always been there. I didn’t need an explanation for why I was making these decisions- I knew I was doing it. Is it possible to be aware of your impulsivity? Or does it exclusively have to be something you don’t even recognize about yourself?
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
dailybridgerton
izzy806
germansingergirl
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
