There comes a point in a manās life where he must consider his accomplishments. this time will come many times and for me at least usually in the depths of some self-inflicted despair. Iām 25 years onld now. Scientifically and socially considered to be a man, an adult, a grown-up; but I just donāt feel like I am.
I have tried everything I could over the past 5 years to gain this sense of adult wisdom and masculinity; Iāve been a student on and off for most of that time; I began working in the security industry culminating in being a nightclub bouncer; Iāve told a woman I love her and that I wanted children with her, none of this has achieved anything like the idyllic setting that they always told me Iād have. Iām still a student yes, but still a student more or less on the bottom. After all the years of fucking around trying to work out what I was doing where I was going and with whom, I havnāt really achived anything and Iām still staring down the barrel of minimum 5 years of college and uni. As for work? Iāve been so caught up with this idea of masculinity Iāve developed a skill set that doesnāt pay the fucking bills. Itās built my confidence yes, but I was 24 before I left my parents house properly. Yes thereās a certain level of prestige and even fear assosciated with the role, but what is the point in being considered the āBig Manā if that big manās woman, who is sleeping in the next room, cannot be treated the way she deserves on her birthday in a little over 20 minutes? Iāve spent so long superficially building myself up, trying to protect myself and other peoples perceptions of me that Iāve actually become the most vulnerable person I know, wether that be financially, emotionally or otherwise.
The woman will be awake soon. Her sleeping pattern is just as messed up as mine. Weāre to have a talk when sheās up, based on drunken conversations leading up to this point I think Iām going to be walking into 2017 single, probably back at my parents temporarily, with a tiny cat, the only true friend I really have. I do love her, and the relashionship weāve had has certainly been the best Iāve ever had. But in the end, we have to do things for the benifit of everyone involved.
āScott the Stewardā, as she calls it, this persona Iāve enveloped myself in, simply wonāt cut it.
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