you love sevika and the life you built with her, but there's always a part of you that wished that your mother was also a member of your life. there was always a weak flame glowing in you, hoping that your mother would walk up and put more firewood for the fire to sustain. but she made her stance known when you were crying your feelings out to her, how you still wanted to try working it out with her, that even though what is natural to you might be different from her but you were still her daughter. but she made it clear that she will never see you the same again and wouldn't want to.
from then on you made up your mind that you would never inflict the same pain on your child, that your child would never have to choose between family and their own identity. and when you were graced with the news of carrying a baby, you cried for hours in sevika's arms out of sheer excitement but also fear.
i'm going to be a mother.
i'm going to be a mother.
sevika shared the same fear of failing as a parent. but the intensity of your anxiety and dread over motherhood had her concerned about you. she knew you would never intentionally hurt your child, but your frequent breakdowns, you spiralling down in self loathing and self doubt had her worried that maybe, just maybe, you were not as ready as you thought you were. you never told her about your mother, not in detail that is, and she respected that. she knew that you broke contacts with her over her not accepting who you are. you were always selectively secretive over your family life, seeming that you just weren't ready to open that pandora box just yet.
so when she heard you sniffling the middle of the night, she was damn worried. it wasn't uncommon for you to crave random food and weird combinations in the middle of the night, you would outright just tell her what you wanted and she'd be on her heels to get it for you. but that night you didn't even tell her what you were craving. you just cried out that you were hungry.
"tell me what you want, i'll get it for you right now."
"tell me baby, i can't see you crying so much."
you started crying harder when you saw the confused look on sevika's face because obviously she wouldn't know what that was. kakara pitha wasn't just a food for you, it was the love and time your mother stuffed in the pitha that you miss. and that love and time from your mother was now just something of the past. it was such times that made you feel a tinge of regret for leaving home and moving to a city continents away from your hometown.
"i miss mama... i want my mama..."
sevika stiffened up when those words left your lips. she felt helpless in that moment, not even sure if the thing you were craving was sweet or sour. all she was able to do was pat your back and hope that you fall asleep, only the stars knew how much you needed it given the constant kicks and braxton hicks you've been feeling.
the following morning you were absolutely groggy, not talking, just sighing again and again. sevika wasn't in the kitchen when you entered, which was odd since she always stayed to watch you have your breakfast. but that morning she just put up a sticky note, with a "went to buy sum stuff, have your brekkie." written on it.
it took a while for her to get back home. she entered through the front door and saw you sitting on the couch, mindlessly watching tv and playing with your fingers, she reminded herself to cut your fingernails before you nick yourself accidentally. you had not realised she was home till you heard the loud thud of the groceries being put on the counter.
"come on baby get up i need your help."
you looked at her confused, how could you help her in anything? you can barely even walk for 5 minutes before feeling exhausted. you weren't even helpful to her when you were not pregnant. how were you useful now when you're bloated and fat and ugl-
"doll it's something only you can do, please get up."
as you sat down on the counter, sevika handed over the ipad with a video playing. more specifically, a recipe video in a language you've not heard in a while.
it was a recipe video for kakara pitha. in odia. in your own mother tongue.
"i felt that a video recipe will help be better to make this but almost all of them are in odia, so i need your help in translating what the woman is saying. i got all the ingredients i could get using google translate, i wanted you up to help with that but you looked so pretty sleeping so i didn't have the heart to wake you up- baby are you crying?"
you hid your face behind your palms while your shoulders shook, trying to minimise the sound of the emotions overflowing you. sevika walked towards you and placed your head against her, patting your back as you held onto her shirt.
"tha-thank you so much, i... i don't know what is happening to me. i just- i can't understand-"
"that's why i'm here for, doll... you're not alone."
author's note : this probably is my biggest fear of diaspora, i can't imagine being away from my culture and my family but as much as i love my family i know that my queer identity will a thorn in the rose for most of them. my odia roots are something i take great pride in even though i can barely write my name in the language but hey it's the thought that matters ig. also i ran out of emotional power to continue this further, thus the abrupt end. still on hiatus cuz my college decided that ending a semester in 3 months is a great idea!! yay!!!
