synaisthí̱mata

[synaisthimata]

361.

As we inch toward the big 1, it’s a huge milestone for me as I have never been in a relationship (even if it counts as one) for so long. To be frank, I have never been in a loving relationship. As we approach our first anniversary, I would like to say that looking back at the past 1 year, lots of stuff happened. The scares, the panics, the fears, the quarrels, the tears. However, let us not forget the laughter, the joy, the happiness, the smiles, the tears (of joy), the memories.

In 2 month’s time, we will be in another land, visiting my family whom I’ve never brought anyone to visit before, other than my 2 friends. It’s a huge step for you I’m sure, just so you know, it’s a huge step for me as well. I’m looking forward to being in a land somewhat familiar yet always ever so foreign with you, and only you. I don’t know if it would be what you paint it to be in your head, but one thing’s for sure is that I will try my best to make it the best first impression you have of South Korea.

With odeng by the roadside, fried chicken delivery coupled with soju for supper, never-ending mouth filling stomach bursting food adventures, I’m glad I have you with me because Bangkok showed me that even in a place where I personally do not see much in, you can bring the best out of it for me.

Thank you for loving me for the past 361 days. Let’s hope for 36,100 more. (impossibru but impossible is nothing)

[synaisthimata]

All over again

Given another chance to chase you, I would do it all over again without hesitation because to me, you are perfect. To me, I want to spend every living day waking up next to you and telling you that you’re beautiful and that I love you.

[synaisthimata]

The lack of entries does not necessarily mean that this space is forgotten. It is still a place I hold close to my heart and I will forever feel the same about it.

In retrospect, I am trying so hard to figure out what happened and why we are in such a knotty situation. Every few days, a knot appears; Truth be told, the last big knot was a real bad one it is still being undone. 8 days and counting.

In all honesty, it feels as though you would suddenly send a text with the words "I want a break up", in the middle of a conversation. Similar to what happens in the movies, one party has tolerated far too much and decides that it is time to take a break and move on.

It feels as though you aren't interested in talking, and for me I would just back off as it seems like you need your space or just simply don't feel like talking. I can deal with it, everyone needs some time to settle their own issues, however, what I can't deal with is that you don't want to take the first step to say you don't feel like talking.

Nonetheless, different people have different ways of handling their problems. I just wish this knot can be undone soon because the restlessness is kinda making me sick. I keep telling myself to back off but your voice in my head tells me no. How am I supposed to make everything go away when I don't even know what it is to begin with?

TALK TO ME.

[synaisthimata]

1st

Haven't really had the time to update this space here. It does not warrant any negligence of this space, having no time, so here I am!

So the past one month has been pretty much nothing short of amazing, I feel that we've grown so much from when we first met. As individuals and also as a couple of course.

For myself:

Not as hot headed as before definitely

Learning how to think for my girlfriend as well, as I've never had a girlfriend before, a proper one if you were to define the term girlfriend

I always thought I was already a very patient person, but I'm more patient than the man I was when I first met you

I let my guard down and be vulnerable because it's only when you're vulnerable, do you let yourself be free and allow yourself to have the space to take in all the love that's around you

I've finally understood the term love, and love is not about how strongly you feel about someone, but what you do and how you fill up the space in the other person's life, because there was no love before you came into their life, and that's the void in their life that made them feel lost.

To me, love is more than just about how you feel about someone, love is making their flaw an attribute, because you cannot live with the fact that they feel so bummed about something and you can't stand the fact that it is bothering them that to you, it's no longer a flaw, but a beautiful quality that your loved one can possess.

Happy 1st luv. 

[synaisthimata]

XVIII-X-MMXIV

I think the phrase "I did it" is suitable for this situation right now, but I would choose not to. Because I still remember the day I told you that the end goal was not to get you, however, the end goal is for you to trust; trust again.

Yes, the eighteenth day of the tenth month in the year two thousand and  fourteen. Or, the two hundredth and ninety third day of the year two thousand and fourteen.

You're lying on my bed, tired and burnt out from the first day of your event. I'm listening to some really nice music on spotify, really slow music that makes it perfect to cuddle. It feels perfect, this moment. And I want this moment to never end. This is the start of many things in my life, our lives, together.

I promise to love you; with every inch of my heart that has your name on it.

I promise to be patient with you; with every second of time that ticks on my watch.

I promise to be thoughtful; with every action that I make I think about you.

I promise to be creative; with every day as special and as thrilling as the first time we met.

I promise to be the best that I can be for you, because you're worth it. Because when I look in your eyes, I see a future for me, with your name formed on the clouds over the lands of the world, with your face on the waters of the different seas we travel by, with the smell of your hair on my pillow that I rest on every night, with your voice singing the sweetest serenade for me every night, with the lingering taste of you in my mouth from when we last kissed.

I love you Lim YeeTeng.

[synaisthimata]

The beach date

What a beautiful day spent by the beach eating frozen fruits and drinking ice cold ciders on a hot sunny afternoon. I wish we could live like this everyday. I love you my silly girl.

It's been a great 2 months (in two days) with you and I just want you to know that I wish this feeling will never stop because, there's just so much more I wanna go out and do with you. So many sights to see, so many sounds to hear, so many scents to smell, so many foods to taste, so many lives to touch with our love.

Counting down to when we get to travel together, thinking about it puts a smile on my face any day! I hope you feel the same way. You will probably be starting to get busy so I will try my best to accommodate you in the best way that I can to the best of my abilities. And you finally called me your boyfriend yesterday night,  what a wonderful feeling. /cues the song "What a wonderful world' because you are the world to me!

Can't wait for the next date which I'm planning already, just you wait you stupid cat. I love you.

[synaisthimata]

The time you wished you had all the answers

There comes a time in every relationship when you ask yourself "Am I good enough for my partner?" From what I see, the moment you ask yourself that question, deep down you know you're good enough for that person. Why? Because you already love that person so much that you don't want to shortchange him/her, because you know that person loves you just as much. You don't want to give lesser than what the other person deserves. You know your partner the best, you know what your partner deserves and when you have that thought, the thought of whether are you good enough for him/her, you are good enough for him or her.

To be able to care for someone, to think for someone, to not want to let someone be taken advantage of / not  being treated the way he or she should be treated, that means you are thinking and you are selfless. To be selfless in a relationship, your partner would be very happy I suppose. Who doesn't want to be selfish, afterall, you care for yourself, you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and yourself only, not needing to care about someone else.

But is this what love is about? Thinking for yourself? About your wants and needs? I don't think so, I think it's more about giving and always being there and being ready to accept what your partner throws at you, because life is that unexpected. 3am your girlfriend says, come over I need to talk to you. You do so right away. Friday night, your boyfriend says, come meet my friends, I would love for you to finally meet them and I'm sure you'll love them. You do so right away.

The spontaneity in life is what makes life so exciting and every moment so special. You can never relive a moment that happened in your life before, your state of mind is different e.g happy, sad, angry. Your physical condition is different e.g you are always aging, you will always grow older, not become younger. If a moment can never be relived, yet the moment is one you hold so dear to your heart, why would you stop living each day as if it were your last?

Back to the point where you think you're good enough or not for your partner. Are you happy when you're with him/her? Is your partner happy when he/she is with you? If you both love each other, you'll learn to look past the stuff that's on the surface and you'll learn to love your partner for what they have inside of them. Whatever knowledge they have to share, whatever experience they've been through, all of that waiting to be shared with the world, and in this case, you are the world to them.

I love you and I don't ever wanna lose you, I hope you'll learn to have more self-confidence in yourself, because you are good enough for me. If you dare to think otherwise, I'll slap you with my lips.

I love you for the person you are inside, because even though you are the problem to my solutions, I like having you around. Please don't let something physical affect your love for me, I would be really lost. Because this would be a problem I have no solution.

If you can say that you are contradicting yourself, then this is something that I have no power to change, it is probably something that you have to figure out on your own. I could convince you, but the final decision lies with you. I can only do so much but I love you way more than that.

Call me when you wake you silly girl, I love you.

x

[synaisthimata]

The time you wished you had time travel

Sometimes you make a wrong, you do what you can to salvage the situation, to correct the situation. You fight for what you want, you go for what keeps your heart beating and yearn for what keeps your mind sane. You never imagined a life without the person you love, because ever since you met that person, all you can think about is the future that the both of you have together. You completely overlook the fact that you have baggage to settle, you take the train to a foreign place. A place whereby you do not make decisions for yourself, every decision you make affects your partner, your lover. You love her so much, you hurt her when you try protecting her. You thought by hiding it from her you would be protecting her; but sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way you want it to. In poker, the house always wins. This time, the house didn't win and the house has nothing left. Nothing but weightless words and an empty heart. You love her but she needs to leave. Because if you keep this up you'll wreck her. You'll destroy that fragile heart of hers. Is she willing to take that risk though? Sometimes it's better to be simple and straightforward instead of complicated and overthinking stuff because you might just end up hurting the people you love the most.

Buck up you fucking retard, you're losing her. And this time you can't do anything about it.

[synaisthimata]

Trust.

Been awhile since I penned my feelings down here, probably a little bit too long.

We've been meeting almost every other day, and I enjoy every single minute spent with you. I thank my lucky stars that I met you, and you didn't meet anyone before me, before I started talking to you. It feels like we're already dating when I don't think you're ready for it. It doesn't matter to me, as long as we're happy I guess it works for me.

She comes over for dinner at your place, talks with your family and sits with the people you have loved all your life. You think it's lovely and you wish this will continue for every day of you life from that moment on. "I'll get fat if I stay here!" "All the better then, so you can't run away from me." Back to when the both of you first met, you still feel that she deserves someone better and you're puzzled as to why she's still hanging out with you.

"I have trust issues." she says, "I'll work hard to make you trust me." You just got the bar reset, and now you'll have to climb all the way to where you were. How long it'll take, no one knows. Probably even longer than it took before, you just want her to be happy able to trust again. To be able to trust again, she'll be happier because she doesn't have to be paranoid over whether can this person be trusted or can that person's words be taken seriously. She'll eventually be happy.

Cuddling on your bed, keeping her close to you, you think about everything in your life that has happened. Possibly, the girls that you've went out with before. You think to yourself, no one comes close to her. You whisper to her, and give her kiss on her cheek. Like a way of saying thank you to her, for giving you a chance.

She spends the day over at your place, while you study. Which you fail pretty badly at studying because half the time your mind is on her, thinking about how pretty she looks, lying on your bed reading "Paper towns". You feel blessed to just be in that moment, to have an amazing woman by your side. You stand up, you walk over to her and you give her a kiss on her lips. Again, a way of thank you for giving you a chance.

Every day you wake up, you ask yourself was it a dream? And first thing you do is to check your phone, and when you see a text from a bunny (You save her contact as a bunny), you smile because you know it's all true. And you smile. You smile because you know your day is made, by having her in your life.

[synaisthimata]

The Lazy date.

Well, ever since we went out on our two dates, we've never really went on another date. Like a day when the boy dresses to impress and the out of his league girl he's going out with just happens to look amazing. Instead of that, you pick her up and send her home, grabbing every opportunity you get to be with her. Be careful now, it's a thin line between sweet and clingy. "You can only lose when you play the rules" I guess I've broken every single rule I made for myself when I was gonna meet you. But why hide what I feel?

You wake up with a few hours of sleep, still kinda groggy from the drink you had the night before. Late night texts till 5am in the morning and you crash because it's way too late and you might screw something up. She tells you to go over, and you battle your inner demons. You want to, but you don't know if you should. Thinking back to when she mentioned about personal space. You head over anyway, with 2 boxes of her favorite snack because you love the smile on her face when you surprise her.

A Lazy date, with a drink at the local starbucks, and a book in her hand. You just sit there and take in everything, her being next to you. Absorbed in her book, and just feeling her next to you. It makes you feel calm and you wished it would never end.

It would've been the perfect Lazy date with freshly pressed bedsheets, a pot of tea by the side, with her lying on your chest, the sound of your heartbeats filling the room in rhythm.

[synaisthimata]

Show hand.

So things fell into place like how puzzle pieces fit perfectly next to each other. I would say that we were meeting too much, and I had always heard that the strongest fires burn out the fastest and I would never want that to happen. But as you said, I can't be agitated and perhaps half the times when I meet you abruptly was precisely because I felt that I should be there through your text. My next move? I have no idea.

Nonetheless, whatever happens from now on, I hope this we work out because I would never want to lose you.

[synaisthimata]

The Second date.

What's so attractive about you? The spontaneous you. I have never met anyone, who would so willingly and so quickly agree to meet the day after they just met. But you, you did. I'm really impressed by how everything is progressing / moving / turning out. It was really nice going to the safari with you today, and you tell me you like elephants. And you're a dog person. And you're so full of stuff I wanna know about. It was nice that we took a photo at the ice cream place, and you finally accepted my request on IG. Wonder if that meant anything, perhaps not. I shouldn't be thinking too much.

I would never wanna let you go, because our conversations always get somewhere. And as much as I want it, I know I shouldn't be falling so quickly. It was nice walking with you and talking with you today as we went to the bus stop, it doesn't feel like we just met.

[synaisthimata]

The First date.

You know that feeling, when you start texting someone and it feels really good. Like, you wanna know so much more about her; you wanna meet her. And all you have to what she's saying is just a display picture which you check every now and then, just to be sure she didn't change the picture or something. And the both of you decide to meet, finally. You know how sometimes you talk to someone out of your league? Like you're clearly just a 5, or perhaps a 6 on a good day. But she's a straight up 8. Or 9. In this case you'll probably be really fascinated by her because of her experiences or her work or her opinion on stuff. You think that she's really beautiful because of what she says and how she says it.

So you arranged to meet at the train station, you feel the butterflies as if you were a young child awaiting his 9th birthday present. You meet her, and the both of you start talking about stuff. With her, you don't feel the need to check your phone, or talk to anyone else. It feels as if nothing else matters, but you just met her. How is that possible? Both of you go to brunch, talk about your personal experiences. With every moment that passes, you get more amazed by her, you think to yourself how is this happening?

After brunch, the both of you walk to the museum. "I like walking." She says. It must've been the first time you're at a museum on your own accord, not forced by a school field trip or family outing. She doesn't like birds. She talks about her family and you talk about yours.

"Let's go watch a movie, I feel like watching one" And she picks the horror film which you never had any intention on watching ever. It was an experience to be in the cinema watching a horror film, which you never liked horror in the first place. You have dinner and you send her back.

What a lovely first date. It feels different from the other girls you've date; she feels different from the other girls you've met, now she's definitely an 11. And you just got kicked down to 3. For being uncool.