You Can't Catch Me.

We're all mad here, I am who I am. Enjoy.

[syruup]

This body…

I’m so grateful to look at you. The way those soft hairs on your thigh show in the sunlight. Those silvery stretched skin marks that line your inner thighs, I can feel their indentions as I caress them. I remember this moment, I learned a lot, about men and what type of control they can have on me. This circular scar that almost seemingly puckers and sits so matter of factory at the middle of that thigh… ugh. Dude, you don’t shave enough? Well what’s enough? I’ve never asked anyone how often they shave…. I just don’t care. Merp, no, yes I do. I don’t want to be a mess… but I will say this, body, you have done me the greatest honor of serving me thus far. You’ve taken every scar, from acne to childbirth and all the mistakes I’ve made in between. And you’ve amazed me. I love you. You’ve done so good and worked so fucking hard. I will protect you. But wear these truths outloud. Clumsy bitch, yes. I’m sorry! But every bump, bruise, scar, this is history, and so many more are to come. Thank you God for a body made just for me. Let me show you what I have done with it. It’s amazing. 

[syruup]

Don’t ever give up, don’t ever give in.

Everyday I try to grow stronger, but in the back of my mind was a fear I was never aware of until I removed myself from the situation. I never saw the truth of what was really happening, of what you were doing, of how you were changing me. Until now. I’ve been taking classes, and today it came to me. Under your thumb I made irrational self criticisms masked beneath your so called benevolent passes at my behaviors. But these self-criticisms have stemmed from a need to justify YOUR behaviors and to tell myself that I deserved it. I do not… I know that now… and it’s changed so much for me. I know what I’m worth, I know what I value, I know what I want. And you showed your perspective and that you have none of the qualities that justify/ justified a relationship with you. It still hurts, tremendously. However, I will not allow you to occupy my recovery in a place you don’t deserve. I’ll deal with you later. I’m not sorry for your perception of the situation. In fact, I rather feel sorry for your delusion… I’ve accepted my truth, I will continue my journey, and I pray on yours…

[syruup]

New places, new faces, new me.

I sit beneath familiar views, ones that brought me strength once hoping for rejuvenation

Listening to music that once consoled me.

A new perspective on a life once lived.

Finding hope in the small victories that have fueled a whirlwind of change. The colors of the wings of the butterflies re-reflected in my eyes once again. New hope. No longer looking through black glasses but through clearer lenses. That see the road ahead by looking for the glints of lighting that illuminate a path once taken and a path that leads me to a future not yet spoken. No longer afraid of the specks of rain and loud thunder that once veered me off course. The world is still beautiful, I am still strong, and god will still stand by me and push me as I climb the mountains that were once my solace. He once said to me that “ everything will be okay” and as I sit in my pew and remember the toll I paid to get here my camel is sewn through the eye of the needle, and I am home. I am home.

[syruup]

Who is this skeleton?

Nay, who is this rotting chrysalis? I’ve seen the most beautiful of even moths emerge from the creepiest of crawlers… but here I stand before this decrepit , dried, neglected thing…. Here it lay. In a garden unwatered. Where sun only shines 1 hour a day.The jasmine it attached to is setting out and leaves fall heavy as if sucked of the life they were given. A home only suited for those who don’t plan to live… to slowly see the water drain from themselves and with it the biggest and safest of their life… a tiny hand reaches out and pours her sippy onto the flowers of the plant, and every drop that falls to the roots is absorbed with the strength of a superpower. The world is dark for jasmine this spring… though I walk… I cannot see through all darkness… I do not know every valley… I may fear… my own evil.

[love-personal]

[lsleofskye]

[everythingfox]

Ninja fox

📷: Don McCabe

[syruup]

This...this is me.

Is it okay to be afraid of something failing? Is it okay to stay when you know that you shouldn’t? Is it fear that drove me to fall so deeply for someone so similar to the first? What is it?

How do you move on from heartbreak after heartbreak? How do you let yourself be happy? Do you drink to numb the pain? Does your foundation cover the bruises? Is it pills that you need? Is it money? Is it love?

The questions keep building up but I’m afraid to answer any. I fought for so long to bring myself out of darkness and I thought you were my torch. But you burned me, badly. Leaving marks all over my body. I needed you to be stronger than who you are, but is it fair to ask so much of someone to change who they are?

I’ve asked that once before and was met with the greatest pain of shattering my own heart..... I’m so afraid. This is me. This is my life... to break and burn and fear, and I’ve known no other. I’ve asked god to protect me... but can I say he still will after I’ve defied him so much?

What makes a man? What makes me? I cannot hold on to myself as I let go of the ropes that once lifted me up. It’s as if someone poured hot oil and watches me as I attempt to wriggle upward.

This is me. Why, why will no one save me?

[syruup]

Welcome to my back yard American Spirits thank you for being here with me

[foreheadxkisses]

Body comparisons. 

[lucidnirvana]

[elenamorelli]

[ladyinterior]

Artist Hikaru Cho Takes Part in the Amnesty International’s Global Campaign “My Body My Rights”

[constantneverland]

[syruup]

The Forest of Condemnation

Have you ever found yourself trapped in an entangled forest of fear, confusion, desperation and shame? The branches too thick to cut through, and the dark setting in. When you're alone, the tears stream down and you feel like screaming at the top your lungs but you just don't have the air to breathe. You're suffocating. The branches have wrapped around you and are pulling you down, deep down into the depths so you can no longer see any light. Your worst enemy was you, though there were others to blame for your demise as well. What is left, but to just lie still and accept death as it comes. Will your loved ones mourn for you? Will there be baby's breathe at your funeral? Will they play your favorite song? Maybe. But they will never know the truth. They will never know the pain that was building inside of you, they will not have counted the tears that fell from your eyes as you laid in bed. They will not know the struggle you had within to reach out. Oh the fear of condemnation led you away from them, so they would only think each day passed the same as the one before. Not even your priest knows. But you never trusted him anyway. It shouldn't have come to this. You were the light that burned with a passion and caring unlike any other. You were the beautiful child that quietly picked flowers and imagined them on your wedding day, not your funeral. Don't let yourself die. Don't hold on to these pains and fears. You are the only one who can save yourself, you have the choice, you have the right to live. Have courage and find in yourself the evident beauty that has been begging to erupt. Let it flow. Let them all see that the branches only made you grow that much stronger. 

[vaesh]

[gestured]

~

[0mfgz]

.

[0rient-express]