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@systematicallydissociated
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This is going to be long I apologize, I am trying to find a good middle to have better resources. Appreciate the read :) I completely understand you’re not a dr nor an expert, I’d like guidance and understanding of my dissociative experiences. I appreciate your efforts! I research a lot of conditions and ik for a fact that sometimes if it’s not known or talked about much you have to type in certain words in order for it to pop up which is why I came here to ask, I probably need to be looking for certain words maybe you or someone can guide me.
Growing up I’ve always had identity and gender issues and was constantly dissociated (derealization and depersonalization as well), severe psychosis and intense daydreaming/borderline maladaptive daydreaming.
Few times in my early teen life, I switched to different people, one was complete amnesia and very scary. I remember I suddenly switched but I didn’t know who I was, somehow I knew I was in the wrong body and was desperate to look in the mirror to see what happened but I stayed frozen. I was also desperate to run away from an environment I knew very well of - it was someone I personally knew and I was hanging out with them but someone else in my head told me not to make it known, act like I belonged even tho I had no idea who this person was anymore or who the original person was that was hanging out then with so how could I mimic them? I was frozen and confused. The others I felt like I was sharing a body - I called it “sharing a soul” it felt uncomfortable and weird like I had most of my thoughts and was sharing the body as if me and someone else was controlling it, now I feel like I’m stuck and have as far as I’m aware two or three parts of me in my head, me and one other I wouldn’t say we have the best communication but we definitely interact more than this other person. Though we’re interacting a lot because I am heavily triggered, but this one is kinda new - well we’re newer at actually communicating better, I felt and heard then before but it was faint and because they’re there for certain traumas I don’t remember much but I can mostly hear them, “comforting me” in a way of them guiding me how to behave like them so I’m less traumatized if that makes sense.
I often get sick or get headaches from certain triggers or when I feel off or in extreme overwhelm. Which I know is normal for someone with cptsd who cannot handle intense stress or triggers, but it feels weird because suddenly someone or something else is telling me to change my mindset and mannerisms to be able to handle whatever is happening. Not me comforting myself or teaching myself from mistakes or navigating life stressors, someone else is telling me to change - weird.
I think I have more of an emotional amnesia because I was very conscious of these “switches” like I didn’t have blackouts I was just someone else…. but it didn’t feel like dissociation where I was watching me do things, I was watching someone else do things. The closest dissociation of watching myself do stuff is doing small basic and often repetitive tasks like folding laundry, something small and dumb or something that is triggering but not triggering enough for a “switch” - such as reading and writing • due to school trauma of undiagnosed dysgraphia/dyslexia.
I know DID/OSDD forms before the child is able to form a whole sense of self, my experiences of having people control me and being someone else formed early teenage years as early as 7th grade - which would be around 12-13, though for years before that on and off I felt like two genders randomly. Which is why I’m confused with my symptoms.
I’ve had a rough childhood and was heavily dissociative. The only time I remember being fully conscious before that was when I was engaging in my hyperfixations. I can rarely remember me playing with toys, watching tv, being around others, I have bigger memories of my intense hyperfixations tho 🥲😅
I’ve been learning a lot about psychosis for almost a year now, when people explain that they’re different people that doesn’t aline with my experiences and my psychosis is not classic as many people would think, it heavily relates to my trauma, I do not switch to other people I am in full panic mode to even think straight and have extreme behaviors out of my control - but that is not a switch that is just extreme flight and fight mode. The auditory hallucinations to me are similar to supernatural experiences so I can’t tell that apart.
The closest switch I have related to my traumas is to protect me, I suddenly feel the need to change into a different mindset and mannerisms to make whatever less traumatic or stressful. You know how people will say they have a personality for different people like around your parents you don’t have certain jokes you tell them, but you will with your friends or having big friend circle and just being aware of how you interact with certain people in the group. Well for me it’s so extreme to the point I’m exhausted and stressed, part of that is definitely related to cptsd paranoia.
Is this normal part of dissociation, cptsd or do I need to do some research on something closer to what I’m really experiencing? Any keywords I should be typing in? I will seek professionals opinion soon but atm the only thing I can do is loads of research, and with the drs I’ve experienced I often need to do research first in order to get my point across to avoid them gaslighting me or telling me they have no idea and sending me to a therapist who only specializes in anxiety disorders who then tries to gaslight me too. I’ve been in both dissociation and cptsd spaces and they never speak about these kinds of symptoms or experiences, and it’s just really confusing me. Maybe I have a severe kind of dissociation or cptsd that isn’t commonly talked about?
Anyways thank you for the read and I appreciate any information you’re able to guide me to, I understand you or anyone else that may want to respond are not professionals and can potentially help me find keywords for me to type in and research better on. :)
I am so sorry for the very delayed response, but I hope I can still be of some help!
Despite everything, this sound very very close to DID or something similar. Given you were very dissociated as a child and had a rough childhood, it is likely it formed then but did not present till you were in your teens. The way you describe your switches sounds like greyout/emotional amnesia switches. These symptoms are very typical of a dissociative disorder, especially with the feeling like your behavior suddenly didn't fit your 'mood' or 'vibe.'
I personally have experienced spiritual psychosis and my CDID symptoms were part of what caused my belief in what was happening. I've felt people holding me, comforting me. I have felt as though people have taken over my body, and also felt like I've left mine. I personally, and a few other systems I've spoken to note a constant feeling of dissociation that never really left.
I cannot armchair diagnose you and I won't do that, but I do believe you are looking at a dissociative disorder, perhaps with something else comorbid. If you have a therapist or are getting one, or would like to do your own research, you should look into information on depersonalization and derealization [theres a lot of information out there on those]. This does not rule out BPD with dissociation, so you could look into that as well.
A big thing, if you don't believe your switches are defined enough, often alters cannot be 'heard' in the literal sense. Sometimes it's more like being shown their thoughts, feeling them, ect..
We personally have CDID, AuDHD, and HPD. The combination of these makes our system present a bit a-typically. You may have an a-typical presentation if you do not feel your symptoms fit.
Be safe and critical with your research. I hope this could be of some help, and remember to reach out to a professional if you have the ability to. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I just realized I had questions in this inbox !
How does one deal with a persecutor if you don't know their motive? Sorry of this is a loaded question, but the part this is aimed at honestly just seems like a sadist, didn't really know who to ask.
Hey so, sorry it's been absolutely months. Personal stuff scared me off this blog but-
Usually, in my experience, ensuring an alter/part is comfortable enough to be themselves tends to be a key. While preventing any harm is important, allowing space for them to talk and being open to it is important.
Sometimes, you won't know why a persecutor formed. Often I find you usually don't till they feel comfortable enough to open up. It is about allowing open communication and not shaming the part for how they are communicating it to you. Kindness is your best asset, and well I'm sure this won't always work patience is important.
Sometimes there are specific people these parts cling to, that can give you an idea of how to help.
Sorry for the like... half a year late response. I hope this can still be of help now.
Dissociating through work I can deal with, but I can't just turn it off after work. I end up watching myself go through the motions for like hours. Days even. Always feel like I'm just not quite there, man. I wish I could come back.
.. sketched me
Middle doing work cuz we feel like a disgruntled teenager pulling the weight on the school project again
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Added a dni
Please read my pinned 🩵
So!! What's CDID?
Okay so, based on our knowledge and understanding, and well, having it, I’ll give my best run down!
C-DID is Complex dissociative identity disorder!
You might say “but DID is complex” yes! It’s just a categorization, not a separate diagnosis.
You need to have a few things to be a C-DID system that aren’t always common in DID systems!
You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.
In some cases certain types of trauma (RAMCOA) are considered needed, I do not have ramcoa trauma therefore won’t be discussing it but I have severe dissociation, a lot of subsystems and side-systems and a pretty high alter count. I also have pretty intense trauma in areas of things that may be associated with ramcoa, though that does not apply to me. I won't get into my trauma here, as it's not needed, but the term can be applied to trauma outside of ramcoa occasionally, though I do say it shouldn't be thrown arround! Just having a high alter count and subsystems does NOT mean you have C-DID.
I do not use the term C-DID lightly, it simply applies to my system well! It is not about trauma Olympics or anything like that, which some think. It's about being able to categorize and help your system heal by knowing how it works!
this is very interesting! i do have a few questions though on some parts of your post, specifically this one:
You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.
i would really appreciate if you have any more information/sources on this! i struggle with finding sources on this, so it would be very helpful to see what sources you have gotten this from!! :D
Specifically the part about the age being younger was from multiple HC-DID systems I know! I can try to find the sources they shared but I was mostly thinking on what I could remember at the time! I think I phrased "higher dissociation" wrong, I more meant more structural bits, and how it affects each alter/the system as a whole! I'm at work but when I'm home I'll try to find the information I used! Most of this is from my own experience and my friends, though, so not everything will be correct! Always do your own research as I'm not an expert 🩵 just a nerd. /gen
Do you have any fictives?
Yes I do! We're kind of fictive heavy, but not all of our fictives relate to source, and some don't call themselves that!
So!! What's CDID?
Okay so, based on our knowledge and understanding, and well, having it, I’ll give my best run down!
C-DID is Complex dissociative identity disorder!
You might say “but DID is complex” yes! It’s just a categorization, not a separate diagnosis.
You need to have a few things to be a C-DID system that aren’t always common in DID systems!
You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.
In some cases certain types of trauma (RAMCOA) are considered needed, I do not have ramcoa trauma therefore won’t be discussing it but I have severe dissociation, a lot of subsystems and side-systems and a pretty high alter count. I also have pretty intense trauma in areas of things that may be associated with ramcoa, though that does not apply to me. I won't get into my trauma here, as it's not needed, but the term can be applied to trauma outside of ramcoa occasionally, though I do say it shouldn't be thrown arround! Just having a high alter count and subsystems does NOT mean you have C-DID.
I do not use the term C-DID lightly, it simply applies to my system well! It is not about trauma Olympics or anything like that, which some think. It's about being able to categorize and help your system heal by knowing how it works!
I'd be curious to see sources to back up some things you say. Complex and Highly Complex are community terms that aren't really used in practice. I have never seen anything saying that age has anything to do with it. If anything, it's gatekept pretty hard by the RAMCOA/OEA community, particularly with negative allegations against the coiner.
Do you have anything I can look into this further?
I'm not going to give sources to back up my lived experience. Gatekeeping does not prevent conditions from forming, and I don't want to get into my trauma on the internet. This seemed in bad faith and made me uncomfortable, I am not an educator, as my pinned says. /gen
DID is wild because wdym I have three of the same person all with differing names?
Does anyone like to front more than others?
Yes! Our host (Moss, me! Lol) likes to front and so do quite a few others, a lot of us are apathetic to it but I and the other co-hosts try to front lots.
Does you having autism and adhd mean the whole system does too?
Hi!! Great question!!
So with autism and adhd since they’re something you’re born with, yes all of my system has it! Though at varying degrees! Some might seem “less” autistic and some might seem “more” autistic, but it’s just how the symptoms present differently for everyone! And some of the system tries to mask the symptoms more to appear normal. The same with the adhd!
DID rant
I don’t think people look into the other aspects of dissociation enough and just focus a lot on switching and alters. I don’t think enough people realize that dissociation and memory gaps can happen with the same person front the whole time. People don’t think enough about how intensely dissociated you can get and never switch.
I have a near constant headache, I can nearly never trust my memory, and I HAVE to rely on others I know to inform me of events and things even with how much I try to stay on top of them. I cannot remember birthdays, faces, or names. People get offended I don’t know their birthday but I do remember that you like this one band. I don’t control what I do and don’t remember.
I would never blame my actions on dissociation, I still try and live my life and be kind to everyone but that means that I do forget everyday things sometimes. I’ll forget a task at work I always do or say something and not even hear myself. My voice and hands are often distant and fuzzy even when I’m not switching.
My dissociation is SEVERE and gaps in my memories appear without me knowing. I’ve forgotten whole movies, days, there are months, near years missing from my life, and no one has that info, not another later, not a gatekeeper, it’s just gone.
It's not just about the alters.
How many alters do you have? If its a lot, does everyone manage to know eachother? :00
I have approximately 200~ ish alters/parts! Less if we count subsystems as one alter which I usually don't. We used to have more! With healing and trauma mixed in people have gone dormant/fused and then split back off/come out of dormancy, so the number fluctuates!
And actually, not everyone knows each other
We know of each other usually, but sometimes people just end up not crossing front together so they never communicate! Its a bit difficult to explain, because we know mostly of each other, but not entirely?
We all have a basic spread sheet of the most known alters in our head, but it could be wrong/off for each alter lol
So!! What's CDID?
Okay so, based on our knowledge and understanding, and well, having it, I’ll give my best run down!
C-DID is Complex dissociative identity disorder!
You might say “but DID is complex” yes! It’s just a categorization, not a separate diagnosis.
You need to have a few things to be a C-DID system that aren’t always common in DID systems!
You have to have multiple subsystems, sidesystems, and higher dissociation (often leading in more alters). This type of DID is one that comes from often more intense more prolonged trauma. While most DID can develop into being 9-10, C-DID is widely agreed to be developed earlier.
In some cases certain types of trauma (RAMCOA) are considered needed, I do not have ramcoa trauma therefore won’t be discussing it but I have severe dissociation, a lot of subsystems and side-systems and a pretty high alter count. I also have pretty intense trauma in areas of things that may be associated with ramcoa, though that does not apply to me. I won't get into my trauma here, as it's not needed, but the term can be applied to trauma outside of ramcoa occasionally, though I do say it shouldn't be thrown arround! Just having a high alter count and subsystems does NOT mean you have C-DID.
I do not use the term C-DID lightly, it simply applies to my system well! It is not about trauma Olympics or anything like that, which some think. It's about being able to categorize and help your system heal by knowing how it works!