This is going to be long I apologize, I am trying to find a good middle to have better resources. Appreciate the read :) I completely understand you’re not a dr nor an expert, I’d like guidance and understanding of my dissociative experiences. I appreciate your efforts! I research a lot of conditions and ik for a fact that sometimes if it’s not known or talked about much you have to type in certain words in order for it to pop up which is why I came here to ask, I probably need to be looking for certain words maybe you or someone can guide me.
Growing up I’ve always had identity and gender issues and was constantly dissociated (derealization and depersonalization as well), severe psychosis and intense daydreaming/borderline maladaptive daydreaming.
Few times in my early teen life, I switched to different people, one was complete amnesia and very scary. I remember I suddenly switched but I didn’t know who I was, somehow I knew I was in the wrong body and was desperate to look in the mirror to see what happened but I stayed frozen. I was also desperate to run away from an environment I knew very well of - it was someone I personally knew and I was hanging out with them but someone else in my head told me not to make it known, act like I belonged even tho I had no idea who this person was anymore or who the original person was that was hanging out then with so how could I mimic them? I was frozen and confused. The others I felt like I was sharing a body - I called it “sharing a soul” it felt uncomfortable and weird like I had most of my thoughts and was sharing the body as if me and someone else was controlling it, now I feel like I’m stuck and have as far as I’m aware two or three parts of me in my head, me and one other I wouldn’t say we have the best communication but we definitely interact more than this other person. Though we’re interacting a lot because I am heavily triggered, but this one is kinda new - well we’re newer at actually communicating better, I felt and heard then before but it was faint and because they’re there for certain traumas I don’t remember much but I can mostly hear them, “comforting me” in a way of them guiding me how to behave like them so I’m less traumatized if that makes sense.
I often get sick or get headaches from certain triggers or when I feel off or in extreme overwhelm. Which I know is normal for someone with cptsd who cannot handle intense stress or triggers, but it feels weird because suddenly someone or something else is telling me to change my mindset and mannerisms to be able to handle whatever is happening. Not me comforting myself or teaching myself from mistakes or navigating life stressors, someone else is telling me to change - weird.
I think I have more of an emotional amnesia because I was very conscious of these “switches” like I didn’t have blackouts I was just someone else…. but it didn’t feel like dissociation where I was watching me do things, I was watching someone else do things. The closest dissociation of watching myself do stuff is doing small basic and often repetitive tasks like folding laundry, something small and dumb or something that is triggering but not triggering enough for a “switch” - such as reading and writing • due to school trauma of undiagnosed dysgraphia/dyslexia.
I know DID/OSDD forms before the child is able to form a whole sense of self, my experiences of having people control me and being someone else formed early teenage years as early as 7th grade - which would be around 12-13, though for years before that on and off I felt like two genders randomly. Which is why I’m confused with my symptoms.
I’ve had a rough childhood and was heavily dissociative. The only time I remember being fully conscious before that was when I was engaging in my hyperfixations. I can rarely remember me playing with toys, watching tv, being around others, I have bigger memories of my intense hyperfixations tho 🥲😅
I’ve been learning a lot about psychosis for almost a year now, when people explain that they’re different people that doesn’t aline with my experiences and my psychosis is not classic as many people would think, it heavily relates to my trauma, I do not switch to other people I am in full panic mode to even think straight and have extreme behaviors out of my control - but that is not a switch that is just extreme flight and fight mode. The auditory hallucinations to me are similar to supernatural experiences so I can’t tell that apart.
The closest switch I have related to my traumas is to protect me, I suddenly feel the need to change into a different mindset and mannerisms to make whatever less traumatic or stressful. You know how people will say they have a personality for different people like around your parents you don’t have certain jokes you tell them, but you will with your friends or having big friend circle and just being aware of how you interact with certain people in the group. Well for me it’s so extreme to the point I’m exhausted and stressed, part of that is definitely related to cptsd paranoia.
Is this normal part of dissociation, cptsd or do I need to do some research on something closer to what I’m really experiencing? Any keywords I should be typing in? I will seek professionals opinion soon but atm the only thing I can do is loads of research, and with the drs I’ve experienced I often need to do research first in order to get my point across to avoid them gaslighting me or telling me they have no idea and sending me to a therapist who only specializes in anxiety disorders who then tries to gaslight me too. I’ve been in both dissociation and cptsd spaces and they never speak about these kinds of symptoms or experiences, and it’s just really confusing me. Maybe I have a severe kind of dissociation or cptsd that isn’t commonly talked about?
Anyways thank you for the read and I appreciate any information you’re able to guide me to, I understand you or anyone else that may want to respond are not professionals and can potentially help me find keywords for me to type in and research better on. :)
I am so sorry for the very delayed response, but I hope I can still be of some help!
Despite everything, this sound very very close to DID or something similar. Given you were very dissociated as a child and had a rough childhood, it is likely it formed then but did not present till you were in your teens. The way you describe your switches sounds like greyout/emotional amnesia switches. These symptoms are very typical of a dissociative disorder, especially with the feeling like your behavior suddenly didn't fit your 'mood' or 'vibe.'
I personally have experienced spiritual psychosis and my CDID symptoms were part of what caused my belief in what was happening. I've felt people holding me, comforting me. I have felt as though people have taken over my body, and also felt like I've left mine. I personally, and a few other systems I've spoken to note a constant feeling of dissociation that never really left.
I cannot armchair diagnose you and I won't do that, but I do believe you are looking at a dissociative disorder, perhaps with something else comorbid. If you have a therapist or are getting one, or would like to do your own research, you should look into information on depersonalization and derealization [theres a lot of information out there on those]. This does not rule out BPD with dissociation, so you could look into that as well.
A big thing, if you don't believe your switches are defined enough, often alters cannot be 'heard' in the literal sense. Sometimes it's more like being shown their thoughts, feeling them, ect..
We personally have CDID, AuDHD, and HPD. The combination of these makes our system present a bit a-typically. You may have an a-typical presentation if you do not feel your symptoms fit.
Be safe and critical with your research. I hope this could be of some help, and remember to reach out to a professional if you have the ability to. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I just realized I had questions in this inbox !
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