the deeper the water... pt. 1.
dialogue prompts from the deeper the water the uglier the fish by katya apekina.
i didn't remember, exactly. but my body did.
don't you wish it could go back to how it was?
sometimes it feels like you and i grew up in different houses.
everything i write turns into a letter to you.
i'm under your spell. why fight it?
if i could kill you and wear your skin, i would.
this feels like some awful community theater production.
being the center of someone's world is intoxicating.
i can't go back and leave you here.
why should you be embarrassed?
i don't have anywhere else to go.
looking at your face makes me want to die young.
i didn't think i'd get to see you again.
you can be mad at me as long as you need to be.
joy finds a way of squeezing through.
i want to hear you tell it.
keep on keeping on, right?
did you ever think about me?
you're always with me, whether i want you in my head or not.
i want to keep you, even thoughts of you, away from this place.
the suffering is in the walls, in the floors.
desperation makes you crafty.
if you don't adapt, you die.
people only have so much to give.
choose the hell you know over the hell you don't.
the only hell that exists is the one i'm living in.
i feel different. like i've been marked.
i feel like i'm being walked off the plank of a ship.
do you remember having this picture taken?
is propaganda always bad?
are we motivated by reason or desire?
i understood what i was getting into.
it was never a game to me.
i don't know if i'd be willing to die for anything, anymore.
who hasn't done something they regret?
you look like you think you know everything.
the more i look at you, the worse i feel.
it's always you, you, you.
it's hard, sometimes, to know where you end and others begin.
i didn't know how else to be.
shame is useless, unless it motivates you to do better.
being brave is very difficult, but being a coward is even more difficult.
here, put your head in my lap. i'm going to tell you a story. close your eyes.
when you grow up surrounded by so much wrongness, you don't know how to notice it. even if you want to.
most of the time in life there are no 'should haves'. you do what you can do.
you have a lot to be angry about.
you feel angry because you feel helpless, but you're not helpless.
who will keep you tethered while i'm gone? aren't you afraid you'll float off?
you're an emotional vampire.
