BPD is an emotional mental illness that isn’t very well known and difficult to diagnose. Because of the lack of awareness, I am here to give you the ugly but honest reality.
Firstly, BPD is knowing damn well you’re being irrational but being unable to stop it regardless. It’s feeling severely guilty for needing someone to take care of you while simultaneously feeling owed love and care because you never recieved enough of it. It’s spending your adult life living in trauma and trying to fix your childhood.
It’s believing that you aren’t important anymore because your friend found someone ‘better’. It’s an almighty despair and desperation to feel wanted and be validated. It’s absolute misery when feeling lonely. It’s emulating the behaviours, voices or style of characters/real life folk because you never developed a personality and therefore had to create one, a little like frankenstein’s monster. But no matter what you do it never feels just right. And it changes every day. You have to create a new personality every day.
It’s wondering whether letting your emotions out is considered selfish or more abusive to hold it in and wait for it to implode later. It’s being in a state of panic when asked to make a choice because being told what to do is so much easier. It’s lying down, looking up at the ceiling, dissociating and not being present in your own mind/body. It’s constant pretence to appear okay in public and breakdown indoors.
It’s needing to be heard but not wanting to make the first move. It’s exhausting, especially on a bad day. It’s not something anyone would want to have. It’s being suicidal but not wanting to hurt anyone. It’s living in this constant fear of abandonment, regular trauma and emotional instability. It’s trying to fill a void that always seems to be empty.
