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🙋+ if he had a netflix queue!

Send “🙋” + any headcanons you want to know about my muse.

time for ben solo’s netflix queue! bolded are his favorites.

world war ii in color, the sixties, the seventies, tales of irish castles, shakespeare: the legacy, ancient black ops, warrior women, first man on the moon, winter on fire, anthony bourdain: parts unknown, human planet, the square, antarctica: a year on ice, the hunting ground, the out list, above and beyond, atari: game over, ninja: shadow warriors, how to survive a plague, no place on earth, secrets: golden raft of el dorado, 10 questions for the dalai lama, we were here, and black wings.

clearly, he really likes historical and social documentaries. he’s not a big fan of, like, story-based shows and stuff. he’s here for travel shows, for an hour full of history, for a look into pop culture. and it’s not too surprising, because in his modern verse, he works at the smithsonian museum of natural history. you’d think, after a day of explaining archaeology and guiding tourists around, he’d want to unwind with some trash tv. but, nope, more history for him. he really adores his job.

#ziinariya #ooc #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.

“ are you sorry? “

THE SONG OF ACHILLES.

Sorry? What could he possibly be sorry for? He, god-sent, divine; he who rendered rubble from mountains and ashes from flame; he who shook the earth with the might of his rage had no reason to be sorry. He was exalted, the vainglorious deity of war made hallow by the Dark. Everything he had done, he had done in the name of his Supreme Leader, his most venerated idol. He would not feel remorse, not for those who had been condemned by their treason.

( The ashes of his heart ached, its anguish incomparable and all-encompassing; he carried all the sorrow, all the agony ever felt in the whole of the Galaxy, all weighing on his bowing shoulders. Oh, what had he done? what had he wrought? He was a destroyer, a murderer, a kinslayer, and all the illustrious power of the Dark Side could not erase the bloodstains that blemished him. HE WAS GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY, DESTINED TO BE DAMNED FOR THE HORRORS HAUNTING HIS NAME. Yet what could be done, when his hands were guided by his god? The Supreme Leader had no place for the unfaithful. But O, the sins! they BURNED him. )

“I don’t have anything to regret – unlike you, TRAITOR.”

#ziinariya #!. COMLINK.#!KNIGHT. HOW MAY THY MODRESS HERTE THOLEN SO SWETE FODE.#{ yIKES }

andy was here kylo is a loser

i thought i heard something...........is it coming from your throat? here, hang on, i can fix it. just hold still!

#ooc #!. COMLINK.#iscariotia

meta on how he felt abt leia sending him 2 train w/ luke B)

“SEND ME A PROMPT FOR A META” DOESN’T MEAN “RIP MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES” BUT ALRIGHT

Betrayal. Complete and utter betrayal. It’s as simple and as terrible as that.

You have to understand, even as a very young child, Ben felt like his parents expected the world of him. He was bright, he was the child of two Rebellion heroes, he was the son of an ace pilot and a brilliant strategist, and he was exceptionally gifted with the Force. So, he had to live up to all that. That’s a lot. And that expectation is what left him emotionally vulnerable to manipulation from Snoke, but we’ll get to that. Even as a little boy, he tried to live up to this legacy. But shit got hard. When he manifested the Force, he though his parents would be proud, but instead they looked afraid, because they knew what ran in his blood. And when his parents looked at him and saw Vader’s influence over him, he felt like he had disappointed them, like he had done something wrong, and he didn’t know how to fix it. He started seeing even the smallest imperfections as unforgivable flaws, and his self-esteem plummeted. All the while, he was trying to win the affection and pride of his parents, but whenever he accomplished something, all he could see (or maybe it was Sense) was their worry.

So, to recap. Ben spends years and years of his childhood life trying to win the pride of his parents. But his self-esteem falls a great deal in his early formative years, to the point that whenever he has any successes, even if his parents are proud and happy for him, the only thing he is capable of seeing is their worry and their disappointment. And this is where Snoke comes in and gives Ben the validation he so craves. And so on, and so forth. Ben knows there’s something in him of talent, he knows it. But he needs outside validation. And, as I talked about in the previous ask, Ben tries to preserve that spark of something even when he turns to the Dark Side. He clings to it.

But, back to the matter at hand. Ben spent all this time trying to win his parents over, and I’m sure they didn’t ever need to be won over and they loved him very deeply, but he couldn’t see that. So when Leia sent him away, that was it. He felt like he had finally, really and truly fucked up. Just like when he was a kid and he manifested the Force, just like when his parents looked at him and saw Vader. And he didn’t know how to fix it. And he felt betrayed because he had worked so damn hard to show them he was good and he was smart and he was talented, and he was being sent away. He wasn’t good enough. He didn’t think he would ever be good enough.

And that’s when Snoke got him, hook, line, and sinker. Because that’s when Ben was alone, away from his parents, isolated, betrayed, scared, emotionally vulnerable, and desperate.

#alderaanheir #ooc #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.#{ :'^) yikes }

meta on the call of the light

“SEND ME A PROMPT FOR A META” DOESN’T MEAN “RIP MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES” BUT ALRIGHT

why do you insist on doing this to me

I’ve talked about this a little bit before, in this post over here. Basically, the “pull to the light” is what’s left of Ben Solo. It’s Ben’s ghost (or his revenant), a relic of a scared little boy who knows he’s being tricked but is too frightened to ask for help. And Kylo knows he’s being tricked by Snoke; Han sees it and Ren acknowledges it, to an extent. That’s the light in him, the tucked away fragment of who he once was and who he could’ve been.

So, naturally, Kylo tries with all his might to snuff it out. He huffs and he puffs, but he just can’t quite do it. And that’s because he’s all about self-preservation, as I talked about in the previously mentioned post. He was scared and he felt weak and he thought the only way he could become strong – the only way he could save himself – was to turn to the Dark Side. Clearly, the coward’s move, and ultimately that’s what distinguishes Kylo Ren from the hypothetical Ben Solo. The former is a coward, and the latter has the heart of a lion. But I digress. He turned to the Dark Side because he thought it would make him strong. In doing so, he changed himself – but he also needed to preserve himself, somehow, because again, that’s what his character is all about. So he still carries this piece of Ben Solo in him, this little shard of light, and no matter how hard he tries, he can never get rid of it. Because everything he’s done has been to protect that piece of himself, and even though he tries to destroy it, he can’t.

But wait, Mute, you might be saying. Isn’t that totally contradictory? He turned to the dark to preserve the light? He can’t destroy the light so he can turn to the dark, but he needs to turn to the dark to save the light? My mind is running in circles! What the fuck, man? And to that I would say you are totally right. It is a paradox that eats itself up. And that’s why Ren has this constant internal conflict in him. The light and the dark are attritional, destroying him from the inside out. He can’t contain both of them together, but he needs both of them to exist, and he can’t find a way to reconcile both. Basically, it’s like matter and antimatter are constantly colliding inside him. Electrons and positrons whaling on each other. And every time they come into contact, they emit wild amounts of energy, hence the many meltdowns that Kylo Ren has (note, though, that other factors go into that, including his many years of abuse).

So, when Kylo says he’s being torn apart, he’s not kidding. He’s got two opposing forces (or Forces, if you will) having a field day in him, and he feels like there’s nothing he can do about it. Because of his dedication to Snoke, he feels as though it’s the Light Side in him that he needs to destroy, but he can’t. And even if it was the other way around and he tried to destroy the Dark Side in him, he wouldn’t be able to. He needs to find balance between both sides of the Force, else he’ll constantly be tormented. But it doesn’t look like that’ll be happening anytime soon.

#spacepiratemaz #ooc #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.#{ what the heck gem #why do you do this 2 me }

meta on luke & ben :)

“SEND ME A PROMPT FOR A META” DOESN’T MEAN “RIP MY HEART INTO A MILLION PIECES” BUT ALRIGHT

fuck your shit

I think Ben had a deep respect for Luke, and maybe even knew him as a child – I’d imagine Luke would visit his sister and his best friend pretty often before fucking off to the ass end of the galaxy. Considering that, I think Luke wouldn’t just be an uncle to Ben in name. He’d be a real part of the family, and Ben would’ve cared for him as such, as a mentor, a teacher, and a loved family member. As with all his relationships, Snoke slowly morphed that love into loathing, but that came significantly later.

As a cute little bab, Luke was probably Ben’s second favorite extended family member. Sorry, Luke. Ben likes the walking carpet more. But, yeah, he liked Luke a lot, and he especially liked hearing all the stories about the empire and the rebellion and pew pew!! x wings!! tie fighters!! and the death star goes BOOM!!! I mean, that is the shit to four year olds. And, because Ben is so closely tied with the Force, I’d imagine Luke taught him a few little things just to help him control it, even if Ben wasn’t immediately sent to learn with him. So even from a young age, Luke already had that mentor figure role in his life.

By the time Ben reached Luke, he was already more or less too far gone, too much in Snoke’s clutches. I don’t think there’s anything Luke could’ve done that would’ve stopped Ben from falling to the Dark Side, but the fact that Ben didn’t talk about jackshit certainly didn’t help. Not that he even knew to talk about it – Snoke’s conditioning and abusive behavior towards Ben began at an extremely young age, so that was normalized for him. He didn’t know there was anything wrong with it, so why would he bring it up? And even if he did know it was wrong, he was still conditioned to obey Snoke, and his apparent orders were to be a sleeper agent within the New Jedi Order, learning from Luke and simultaneously learning from Snoke. Maybe Luke sensed Ben’s reverberations with the Dark Side, but I guess he chalked it up to their bloodline and the influence of Vader. So, yeah. Not much that could’ve been done.

There was a time before he turned, though, and during that time, he still viewed Luke as a mentor. Snoke’s influence turned the imagine of the kindly teacher into the evil indoctrinator, so that. changed. in a very and sadly ironic sort of way. But that took time, too, and in his first initial years, he still looked at Luke as a role model. I think Ben was very soft-spoken and reserved by nature, and Snoke only served to isolate Ben further. At first, I think Ben would generally be rather well-liked in Luke’s class, known for being that quiet, smart kid that made funny jokes in the back sometimes. As the months passed, however, he withdrew more and more from other people, until he became something of a pariah, unable and unwilling to communicate with anyone and even lashing out at those that tried to reach out to him. I’m sure Luke saw and maybe tried to help, but Ben probably lashed out at him, too, especially as he fell more and more under Snoke’s spell. Ben still did well in class, he was still smart, but he was clearly going down a bad path. By the last few years with Luke, the evil seed that had been planted in Ben had grown thorns around him and had ensnared him too much for anyone else to do anything about it. I don’t know if Luke saw that, but if he did, I’m sure he would try to bring Ben back to the Light Side. After all, it was Luke that still saw the light in Vader. Luke would be the one to see it in Ben, too. But the problem is, Ben didn’t see it – or, rather, didn’t want to see it. And he couldn’t and can’t be helped until he acknowledges it.

I don’t know if Ben purposefully left Luke alive during the purge. I think that he certainly wanted to kill Luke, at least in theory. But there’s a huge difference between theory and practice. He was still just fifteen at the time, after all. He was able to kill his classmates, kill countless innocents so he could be reborn as Kylo Ren, but I don’t know if he could quite follow through. After all, he did still feel that pull to the light. And I think he recognized that if he killed Luke, it would be the point of no return. I think that scared him shitless, and he couldn’t do it.

Fifteen years later, though, and after he’s killed his own father, I doubt he’d be faced with the same dilemma if he saw Luke again. I think it would be a struggle, but he’d ultimately be capable of killing Luke. Much like after he killed Han, however, the act would certainly leave Kylo Ren more than shaken. He would finally be reborn in blood, finally and truly Kylo Ren – but I don’t think that’ll give him the solace he thinks it will.

#lightpaved #ooc #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.#{ i fucking hate this i need to take a wa lk f uc k you li a m }

Random but curious anon here. What does your url mean?

FEAR OF THE HEART.

He could Feel the frantic beating of Han Solo’s dying breaths, Sensed the light of life drained by rufescant blade; so phantasmagoric was the scene that he hardly registered it all as reality, thought instead that it was some horrific nightmare to which he had been cast some chiliad ago. He watched his father fall, saw the brume below swallow the last of him, and yet none of this had any lasting impact upon him. No telluric vision could compare when the Force itself yclept death, when tenebrific void swallowed him as a black hole swallowed light. And he could hear the pulse in his ears, as though reminding him of what he had just robbed from his own father – his heart beat so frenetic he could feel his arteries tremble with it. He was awashed in terror the likes of which was hitherto unbeknownst, and amain it spread from his core to envelop him. His vision turned incardenine, not of anger ( he could feel no rage when consumed by this emptiness ) but of the bows of his saber, of the patricide he had committed.

He would have rather the emptiness remained, but so swiftly was it replaced savage anagnorisis, the horrific guilt, the pain. Every awful emotion he had long since abandoned combatting chose this moment to reform, to merge into an amorphous terror that tore him apart piece by piece, nerve by nerve, bone by pallid bone. His heart had turned crepuscular, shifting and spinning diaphanous into his Corellian hell, and he could not bear it. This was a weight, a burden he could not shed, a fear so strong it near brought him to his knees, and it kept beating, kept insisting upon life – oh, when would Ben Solo die? He had coalesced, congealed within the infernal organ he called a heart, and stabbed the pretender with his very presence. He had hoped, prayed that this deiform would die with his father, but alas! the revenant had taken root in his chest cavity, and oh, how he feared it.

#Anonymous #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.#{ :'^) i have been waiting so long for someone to ask this ok #B A S ICALLY it means ''heart-terror'' or ''fear of the heart''#so it's either a terror so strong you can feel it in your heart #or a fear of your heart itself :'^) }

8, 35, 38.

excessively detailed headcanon meme.

8: Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

does murder count as an indulgence or

Okay but actually though. Kylo Ren is absolutely disgusting when it comes to his diet. Like, he’ll say he likes to eat the fancy foods expected of his station. He’ll say he likes the tiny portions and the table manners and all the trademarks of “high society”. But that’s a complete and total lie. He loves, loves, loves disgusting TV dinners and chips and chocolate bars and any other junk food you can think of. He eats actual garbage and radiation. He likes the prepackaged cheese slices that come individually wrapped over, like, actual cheese. He likes instant soups and meals instead of real food. And to wash it all down, he drinks whatever the Star Wars universe has instead of Tang. It’s fucking disgusting, and he loves it.

He really?? doesn’t feel bad about it, unless someone else finds out that he is the king of trash food. He’d rather kill them than let that secret out – although, he’d rather kill someone than do a lot of things. But so long as no one knows that he eats like a fucking raccoon, he doesn’t care about indulging and eats his garbage as often as possible.

35: What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

That’s kinda hard to answer. Because you see, Kylo Ren is an incredibly driven person, but when he’s not applying himself to a purpose, he falls right the fuck apart. If he doesn’t have a purpose, then he waits around for one. While he’s waiting around, he’s idle. When he’s idle, he starts to get angry. And when he’s angry, he breaks shit. So, he never does anything that he personally considers a waste of time, because he’s either applying himself wholly to some goal, or he’s breaking shit.

Needless to say, a lot of shit gets broken.

A lot of the things that he considers useful, though, others might consider a waste of time. For example, his whole hunt down all the Jedi thing, since it seems like most people don’t even know what the Jedi are anymore, and even if they do, they vastly underestimate what one old Jedi Master can do. Additionally, people might see Ren’s hunt for old Empire artifacts and memorabilia as useless. And it sort of is, but it has probably also yielded a lot of old plans, schematics, and intel, which is definitely not useless.

38: What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Hard to say, because he’s always feeling drained. After all, he overexerts himself, he doesn’t eat enough, he hardly ever sleeps, and he’s constantly flying all over the galaxy doing who knows what while bickering with his coworkers and being a general galactic nuisance. So, he’s constantly in a sort of low-energy state. You know, until he gets pissed off. And then, because he’s so tired and because he never learned how to control it, the Force just swoops in and takes over and suddenly there are ten dead, twenty seven wounded.

So, the only thing that really recharges him is the Force -- and, by extension, the Dark Side. Otherwise, he is just a zombie. But he’s been one for so long, that’s his regular state of being, and he’s capable of functioning even though he’s basically at the brink of exhaustion at all times. Of course, if he had actual rest, he’d function a lot better. But try getting Kylo fucking Ren to chill out for longer than five fuckin’ seconds. He probably can’t even handle that long.

#technologik #!. COMLINK.#!. AN AWAKENING.#q.