Send “🙋” + any headcanons you want to know about my muse.
He doesn’t remember a lot from his childhood. He’s still got the memories, but they're blocked out. He doesn’t dwell on em. For one thing, he doesn’t want to remember his parents, his family, his childhood joys. For another thing, he doesn’t want to remember the midnight abuses Snoke incurred upon him via the Force. So, yeah, he doesn’t think about it.
There are, however, some memories that still haunt him, no matter how hard he tries to forget – the funny thing about memory is, the harder you try to make it go away, the stronger it becomes. This particular memory is from when he was around nine or ten, just a little bit before he was sent away to Luke – and, in his mind, the cause of his exile from his family.
We need a little backstory first, though. When he was a really little kid, still just a baby, really, his favorite stuffed animal was of an Endor rabbit. He loved it to bits. When he started walking, he carried it around with him everywhere, and his parents would always say, “Ben and Bunny are coming!” When he learned to talk, he would reply with an excited “Benny Bunny!” It was adorable.
As the years progressed, Snoke began to gain more and more influence over him, but it wasn’t quite control yet. Still, it brought him closer and closer to dabbling in the Dark Side, and he grew from a precocious and soft-spoken child into a broody, reserved young boy. To try and coaxe some social activity out of him, his parents got him a pet rabbit when he was six, which he promptly named Bunny – give him a break, he’s six. And for a long while, it worked. He was overjoyed to have a real bunny of his own. Ben helped Han build a little rabbit hutch and pen next to their home, and Ben would play with Bunny, carry her around with him, feed her, brush her fur, and spend most waking hours with his pet. It was delightful.
Fast forward to a few months before he gets sent to Luke. Snoke’s influence has morphed into some level of control, and he’s aching to solidify it. Ben, who doesn’t know any better, still hasn’t told his parents about the voice in his head. He’s still trying to make them proud, and he thinks Snoke can make him stronger so he can live up to their legacy. But now, he has to prove his mettle. He has to show his dedication. Snoke has a request of him, and the memory of it is burned into him forever.
He takes Bunny out far away from his home, and he strangles her.
He doesn’t want to do it. He’s crying. Bunny is shaking in his arms; she can tell something’s wrong. And Snoke is telling him, Do it. Show me that you’re strong. Show me that you don’t have any weakness. Kill your sentiment. And he wants to be strong – he wants to be like his parents, he wants to show them he isn’t weak, because surely that’s what they think of him? This is his last chance; they’ll give up on him if he doesn’t. He’s weeping, tears streaming down his round cheeks, mucus dripping out of his nose – he’s still just a child. The voice gets stronger; it taunts him, tells him that it knew he wasn’t strong enough. He puts his hands around his rabbit’s neck. Good, it whispers, now squeeze. His sobbing could shake a planet; his sorrow is causing tidal fluctuations in the Force. He wraps his fingers tight around Bunny’s neck, and stars above, she’s screaming the way only prey animals do when they’re caught in the jaws of a predator, and that’s what he is now – a predator. He just wants the noise to stop. He’s crying so much. He snaps her neck.
He comes home to his parents in tears. Snoke tells him to say that Bunny ran away, and he does. He’s fully under Snoke’s control, now; he’s the sleeper agent, the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Several months later, he’s sent away. He failed – he couldn’t convince his parents that he was strong enough. They think he’s a failure – they’re ashamed of him, hiding him away where no one will see him. Now, now, does Snoke have a hold with which to turn Ben against his family. And he does.