**okay gonna give this another go because I actually wrote this up last week but got hit with the same damn anxiety shit I’ve been working to push through for months now and if you see this paragraph then it means I actually posted it this time and have taken another step forward woohoo. did you know I’ve been trying to do this for weeks now? the mind works in mysterious ways**
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I’m just gonna let myself ramble using dictation rather than typing for a couple of reasons
So on paper (lol) I probably look like I’m doing great from the outside – hit a couple life milestones in the last couple of months while on mental autopilot or just lowkey having different versions of anxiety attacks at work lol, is that considered resilience? by the way, embarrassing af to have someone from work who barely knows you catch you in the middle of that, just thankful that it wasn’t someone in my direct work group
Anyway, after finally taking a couple days off work a couple weeks ago because I guess I’ve become a total workaholic as a distraction I finally went out to an event that didn’t involve family or work
and promptly almost became a body discovery announcement for one of my friends lmfao
I got extraordinarily lucky in some ways - I always seem to get lucky when it actually counts - so it makes it easy to laugh around the very silly circumstances around it but… I think it did jolt me a little bit in terms of how small my world was getting and how I was letting it shrink because of something completely external - it wasn’t even directly affecting me anymore in any real way, it’s just all the fear and implications and everything around it has just been hanging over my head since things happened last year (#vaguepost queen, sorry, but it is never something I’m gonna talk about on here in detail)
There are still a lot of reminders online but it’s like… my current strategy isn’t working clearly, I’ve just been flailing about for what, half a year? More even lol. My heart is still jumping in my throat or drops into my stomach at even small things like unexpected emails or texts, or even counterintuitively! something like someone liking an old post! so… Yeah, something needs to change
Unofficially the new strategy is slowly but surely reducing all of these alerts and messages, no matter how old they are, and curating things better so I’m not just existing in such a small space
It does add a little more chaos back into things though… Honestly, I don’t know when I got so many control tendency type of inclinations but I really need to start reducing the amount of spreadsheets and lists I have at this point or something, that also definitely got way worse since last year. Tell me why I have created a spreadsheet for books, anime and video games to help me get back in the groove of doing what should be hobbies for fun
anyway - we’ll see how it goes. I truly hate being vulnerable about internal shit like this LMFAO so naturally here it is for the Internet and some scraping bot to pick up.
I accidentally pressed the poll button on mobile and can’t be bothered to get rid of it so if you got this far what’s your favourite colour
Red
Blue
Purple
Gold
Yellow
Silver
Green
Orange
Pink
It’s a more specific colour not listed
I have more than one
I don’t have one / it’s a shade (ie black, white)
**if you somehow are still reading (and past the poll too???) this is ‘the me posting today’ as opposed to the dictation from last week… I was trying to push myself to get openly online more last week but fell on my face a bit, despite that weirdly and conveniently timed ask I got. But as long as I get up again more than I fall, that’s all that matters… pretty sure that’s how the saying goes…
and I have some commitments to officially keep so maybe if it’s less about it it’ll be easier to do haha
would be nice to have the desire to create again but maybe that’ll come back the more I fix things in other areas**