btw whenever we remember this phrase our elementary school teacher used to say that somehow justified physical abuse, someone just starts repeating it over and over and over. today it happened and like i can’t stop it when that happens. it’s so uncomfortable.
if you don’t want to read trauma, don’t read this.
Okay so regarding Jess’ post-- I’m already dissociating btw but I’ll point it out if at any point I black out
Soooo okay where do I start. lmao I honestly don’t even know. Let’s start with how I came to how the idea that it might be did (bc i didn’t know osdd existed) so okay
First of all, there were several problems (this is about after june 2015, now i don’t have a lot of memories of before tbqh) that I came to realise that I had through the past year or two. First of all, I had very frequent and very severe headaches, most of them occuring on wednesdays aka when I had prosthodontics class -- major focus of stress. I also had a very loud brain, I’d get distracted a lot bc of them and had major problem focusing in any classes. I also had anxiety, panic disorder and depression for which I used an antidepressant in late 2014-early 2015 but that was what was diagnosed, so they’re besides the point.
bc I hurt my ankle, this summer I really didn’t have any oppurtunities to go out, had A LOT of time with myself and A LOT of triggers for constant stress, sensory overloads (it’s taking me really hard to type right now btw bc I’m dissosiating and I’m trying to stay here to type hhh) and all sorts of delusions and hallucinations. Didn’t call them hallucinations though, now I know most of them probably were. Anyway.
I had time to think and research about ADHD, since my mother and grandmother also have it, and the symptoms fit almost perfectly (bc i do have it) so I spent a lot of time reading about it on my studyblr along with finding ways to study and learn bc I knew I needed better methods.
It’s really really easy to fool psychiatrists, only tell them some of the symptoms you have and you’ll get misdiagnosed very easily. I should point out that I didn’t consider personality shifts as symptoms and I most certainly wasn’t aware of my memory loss bc honestly most of my life isn’t worth remembering anyway. I got diagnosed with ADHD, neurology tests didn’t show anything for my headaches but at this point they were so fucking constant and horrible that most night it kept me awake.
Then also there was the abusive one talking at times, at one time my guardian (spirit guide) took me out of a horrible episode caused by him.
I’m gettig out of my point but anywho, it wasn’t until I watched multiplicityandme’s videos and kind of just got fixated on the symptoms, wondering how I would have been, that I started thinking about multiplicity. Not regarding my own though bc I had no idea what was going on despite the very apparent symptoms.
When I started the previous mental health blog I just wanted to figure out what was going on bc the ADHD medication had fucked me up, I was having different syptoms of different disorders every single day, and you might know that I get very fixated on scientific things and hey, I was both the subject and the observer so I wanted to document.
Then, when I got to my next appointment, everything kinda spilled. The possible trauma I knew that had happened (mother leaving even if unwillingly, not the actual trauma inflicted by my elementary school teacher bc they were pushed aside), how that made me feel through the years, and Lee and Amie and Yasemin and well, that was when they decided that I’d start getting verbal therapies instead of just medication.
I’m being blocked from that and it’s all over the place lmao but anyway, let me tell you one thing Jess-- you didn’t know DID/OSDD existed. I had read a book about DID, despite not being very accurate, and I knew about it when I was like, idk, 11-12-13?? somewhere along that part.
I know Lee and Amie existed bc there’s a point in my childhood (my head is spinning holy shit) diary that the sign is ‘Amie & Lee’. At this point I can’t remember if I (i’ll be talking about memories by saying I considering I thought I was a singlet, though regarding the years the person changes) made them up or if they just came to be, but the diary says amie and lee so even if they were just a coping mechanism, they were there. I wasn’t aware that it wasn’t a thing that didn’t happen to everyone.
The thing is, despite not knowing when I did, I read a book about DID and let me tell you I was fascinated. Like you know how tumblr treats people who are fascinated in multiplicity bc apparently my interest makes them a circus freak, but there was a point I wanted to study medicine in the future just because I wanted to work with DID/MPD patients. That was literally the only reason I wanted to study medicine. I was absolutely absorbed in it, I wrote stories about characters who were multiple, it was a coping mechanism in itself. Hyperfixation. You have no idea.
I have more memories about middle school because considering the main trauma wasn’t the case anymore, and I was moderately happy with what was going on, I had a horrible personality for some period of it but I still had friends, I was doing good with my studies, I had internet and forums that I loved to be at, hell I even made an online boyfriend. So yeah.
Then, I moved here with my mother and her constant gaslighting began, as well as moving as a major event, I got bullied a lot, I “fell for” a guy who wouldn’t do so much as glance at me -- needless to say, I had a horrible two years, (huh i meant to say four, the two happened itself, though it might be considered two) let’s go with two because it was again moderately better at 11th grade. Summers were even worse bc my grandad got cancer, I got even more distanced from everything regarding that family, I was forced to work summers at family’s business at the age of 14 even though I hated it, it got worse and worse. I was severely delusional and suicidal, I was literally only alive bc killing myself had never occured to me as an option.
One time, I gained my senses back, and realised I had no memories of the past six months.
Anyway 11th grade was a tad bit better bc by then Yasemin had integrated, I had better sense of self, the bullying had stopped and I got new friends bc of a class change. Still, I had no idea that anything that had happened or was happening was in any way unhealthy, I was unaware of it or maybe I was forced to deal with it myself bc of the gaslighting and had to stand on my own and shit.
12th grade, I “failed”, the university exams that is though it was more that I refused to choose anything that wasn’t my aspiration moreso than failing. I punished myself that summer with work. I was aware it was a punishment.
After all my years it occured to me that I could ask for help in summer 2014 bc anxiety and depression were hitting me with an iron baseball bat on an hourly basis. So I got to Norway, spent some time, got back and went to a psych who put me on drugs before even actually listening to anything.
Why did I talk so much about my memories I don’t know it just kinda got that way. Brutal honesty.
So.
How Lee and Amie came to be? Who knows. They came to be, then Amie split-- an information I just knew without the how or why, I just knew she split to Yasemin and little Amie.
How Yasemin came to be? I took a photo that didn’t look or feel like me, and I named her Yasemin.
I was powerless and sick, Yasemin was bold and strong, had some very big balls you know, so I wanted to be Yasemin. So through like two years, I think? I became Yasemin. The child split or maybe the trauma part integrated with the previous trauma part, so I was now Yasemin (I actually asked people to call me that at the time) I was bold and I was loud and nothing could stand in my way.
It all blew away holy hell. That story in itself is a whole other deal, I’m not gonna get into that now but I was now in university, I was doing horribly, I was total nutters. I can’t remember much but I remember at one point I didn’t leave my room or even opened a window for nine days.
I should have waited.
Two another years of silence and everything will have been perfect. But, I did the mistake to say what I truly was thinking, and here is the result.
Maybe I’ll get fired out of my home, send to pension or hosting family, or maybe my stepfather will decide to move. Or maybe both. But what is done is done. I said it, so, it is too late now.
What am I reffering at?
I’m doing a reference to what I said to my stepfather. I always had a complicated situation with him. He is still a true child in his head, but the most annoying part is not just that he is childish, it isn’t so much a problem, the problem is: He is always wanting to be right. He always want everything to be done the way he want, or else it’s bad, or not considered done. He focus on the smallest thing and make them become extremely important. He lives in a sort of created world, he wants to do right (that’s what my mom said, but- meh.) but always stess himself on ridiculous thing, he want people to be perfect and do everything for him. And I simply am not compatible with such another personality. I’m impossible to ‘tame’, truly. I can improve and change a few things for people, but I’m still untamed, I’m the kind of rebelious child and I can’t do anything about it. To be honest I got traumatized by one memory with my stepfather… We had an argue, all together, me my mom and my stepfather. We all got truly mad and I decided to go away to chill out. When I was on my way I got caught by my mom, by the air, in the corridor, so my stepfather who was in the kitchen could see my mom and just a bit of me. Naturaly, I turned myself when she caught my hair, and I still got my plate, fork, and knife in two hands. I threw them away before exchange a terrible look with my mother (I told you, we are untamed, it was a matter of the one with the most of intimidation tbh) and all of that sudden I got my breath cut. My head pretty much violently slammed against a wall, as I saw that my stepfather got me by the neck (he’s almost 2m, I’m 1.60, his hand=my head. He easily got my whole neck, spine included.) opened a door, threw me on the ground, and opened cold water, making my clothes completely wet, and my breath cut, what caused me violent asthma, not caring about it, I stood up and started to yell with all my lungs. Even though he was trying to got me stuck against the walk with cold water drowning me. After few minutes of fight, when he was about to kill me, my mother stopped him and threw him out of the room.
In the imaginary world of my stepfather, I was about to kill my mother when we looked at each other, I was about to stab here; when my fork and knife was on the ground, ofc.
I think I got traumatized by this.
I had soar throat for a few days, and some brushes all over my body, especially the neck, for a few day. And of course my voice went down too.
What hurt me the most is that over all these years he has been here, he asked me a lot of progress to do, and I did. I improved. I progressed A LOT. I satisfied many of his wishes. But he ask more and more. And because I’m a child I’m supposed to be wise and do it. But, I’m not a dog. I’m not a dog with his owner telling him what to do or else he’ll be beaten up or at least punished. Children aren’t animals godamn it. But the most terrifying thing is that he doesn’t even care that I made these progress. To him it is absolutely normal. And to him it is normal that we should just keep quiet and listen to him, because he is a male, and because he know everything better than everyone. And that is so annoying. All over these years I just had been critisized over everything I’ve done. And when something isn’t alright, then IT IS MY FAULT, always.
And I couldn’t hold it anymore.
So after one day (okay, one whole afternoon »’) of hearing him say I just am a ‘prickly, never satisfied, and moody moron’ I got truly not in a good statement. And when I climbed down the stair and got two another ‘critiques’ I told him I simply won’t speak with him anymore and that I was tired of him. I went away. My mom came to yell on me, then my stepfather too, so I just repeated I won’t speak to him anymore, or if he was there (yeah it was moody, but if it was for get interrupted, denied, or hear the same thing over and over, it was useless) and so we started to argue hard. And there. I said something I probably shouldn’t have say: ”If you aren’t happy there, and if I’m such a pain in the ass -And I swear you are a big pain too-, then JUST GO AWAY. ”
He said alright.
After this it started to get truly bad to me. I started to regret in silence, even if tbh, I’m truly done about him demanding perfection but making no real effort too. My stepfather packed his bagage, and they are still there, with him. But he totally ignored me. And even if in the begin’ I felt like if my mom was somehow on my side, well I gradually feel like she isn’t anymore. And I truly start to feel bullied here. I showed affection to my mom, she rejected it, and what did I hear? My stepfather laugh. So yeah. I’m so done. I’m tired of such shitty life and relationship.
My sisters wanted me to feel better so they invited me in Paris for a bit, to free a bit my mind, but I truly feel ALONE.
Except my two sisters (half-sisters but anyway) who wanted to support me by literaly hosting me despite the fact they are working/studying, and to be honest it shocked me from them. Especially from my ‘sadistic sister’ who actually will host me for a few days. It also shocked me to see all my friends just going away, not caring, or not listening. Just doing their stuff and life. Unwishing to truly help. And both my parents acting this way.
I feel like if my heart is dead because of all these person, and like if after these few days in Paris I’ll have to agonize alone again, and it hurts me SO much…
Godamn it, I’m so weak and stupid…
