I should have waited.
Two another years of silence and everything will have been perfect. But, I did the mistake to say what I truly was thinking, and here is the result.
Maybe I’ll get fired out of my home, send to pension or hosting family, or maybe my stepfather will decide to move. Or maybe both. But what is done is done. I said it, so, it is too late now.
What am I reffering at?
I’m doing a reference to what I said to my stepfather. I always had a complicated situation with him. He is still a true child in his head, but the most annoying part is not just that he is childish, it isn’t so much a problem, the problem is: He is always wanting to be right. He always want everything to be done the way he want, or else it’s bad, or not considered done. He focus on the smallest thing and make them become extremely important. He lives in a sort of created world, he wants to do right (that’s what my mom said, but- meh.) but always stess himself on ridiculous thing, he want people to be perfect and do everything for him. And I simply am not compatible with such another personality. I’m impossible to ‘tame’, truly. I can improve and change a few things for people, but I’m still untamed, I’m the kind of rebelious child and I can’t do anything about it. To be honest I got traumatized by one memory with my stepfather… We had an argue, all together, me my mom and my stepfather. We all got truly mad and I decided to go away to chill out. When I was on my way I got caught by my mom, by the air, in the corridor, so my stepfather who was in the kitchen could see my mom and just a bit of me. Naturaly, I turned myself when she caught my hair, and I still got my plate, fork, and knife in two hands. I threw them away before exchange a terrible look with my mother (I told you, we are untamed, it was a matter of the one with the most of intimidation tbh) and all of that sudden I got my breath cut. My head pretty much violently slammed against a wall, as I saw that my stepfather got me by the neck (he’s almost 2m, I’m 1.60, his hand=my head. He easily got my whole neck, spine included.) opened a door, threw me on the ground, and opened cold water, making my clothes completely wet, and my breath cut, what caused me violent asthma, not caring about it, I stood up and started to yell with all my lungs. Even though he was trying to got me stuck against the walk with cold water drowning me. After few minutes of fight, when he was about to kill me, my mother stopped him and threw him out of the room.
In the imaginary world of my stepfather, I was about to kill my mother when we looked at each other, I was about to stab here; when my fork and knife was on the ground, ofc.
I think I got traumatized by this.
I had soar throat for a few days, and some brushes all over my body, especially the neck, for a few day. And of course my voice went down too.
What hurt me the most is that over all these years he has been here, he asked me a lot of progress to do, and I did. I improved. I progressed A LOT. I satisfied many of his wishes. But he ask more and more. And because I’m a child I’m supposed to be wise and do it. But, I’m not a dog. I’m not a dog with his owner telling him what to do or else he’ll be beaten up or at least punished. Children aren’t animals godamn it. But the most terrifying thing is that he doesn’t even care that I made these progress. To him it is absolutely normal. And to him it is normal that we should just keep quiet and listen to him, because he is a male, and because he know everything better than everyone. And that is so annoying. All over these years I just had been critisized over everything I’ve done. And when something isn’t alright, then IT IS MY FAULT, always.
And I couldn’t hold it anymore.
So after one day (okay, one whole afternoon »’) of hearing him say I just am a ‘prickly, never satisfied, and moody moron’ I got truly not in a good statement. And when I climbed down the stair and got two another ‘critiques’ I told him I simply won’t speak with him anymore and that I was tired of him. I went away. My mom came to yell on me, then my stepfather too, so I just repeated I won’t speak to him anymore, or if he was there (yeah it was moody, but if it was for get interrupted, denied, or hear the same thing over and over, it was useless) and so we started to argue hard. And there. I said something I probably shouldn’t have say: ”If you aren’t happy there, and if I’m such a pain in the ass -And I swear you are a big pain too-, then JUST GO AWAY. ”
He said alright.
After this it started to get truly bad to me. I started to regret in silence, even if tbh, I’m truly done about him demanding perfection but making no real effort too. My stepfather packed his bagage, and they are still there, with him. But he totally ignored me. And even if in the begin’ I felt like if my mom was somehow on my side, well I gradually feel like she isn’t anymore. And I truly start to feel bullied here. I showed affection to my mom, she rejected it, and what did I hear? My stepfather laugh. So yeah. I’m so done. I’m tired of such shitty life and relationship.
My sisters wanted me to feel better so they invited me in Paris for a bit, to free a bit my mind, but I truly feel ALONE.
Except my two sisters (half-sisters but anyway) who wanted to support me by literaly hosting me despite the fact they are working/studying, and to be honest it shocked me from them. Especially from my ‘sadistic sister’ who actually will host me for a few days. It also shocked me to see all my friends just going away, not caring, or not listening. Just doing their stuff and life. Unwishing to truly help. And both my parents acting this way.
I feel like if my heart is dead because of all these person, and like if after these few days in Paris I’ll have to agonize alone again, and it hurts me SO much…
Godamn it, I’m so weak and stupid…
