#{}{} headcanon

[octomilka]

Ok, hear me out. Caine like a human

Overall, he would have remained the same, except for a couple of things. And the way I drew him was just a momentary whim.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

ilya mic’d up talking with his teammates about recipes he’s been trying recently and tricks he’s been trying to teach anya. and shane mic’d up barely having something that producers can actually use because of the amount of swears

[toasted-rivalry]

A ‘Bears walk in to Ilya’s house and see him napping with Shane AU’ where Ilya somehow manages to still keep Shane’s identity a secret.

Ilya always had been a light sleeper, so no matter how lightly they stepped he was awake moments after the first shocked gasp.

Ilya knows it’s over for him. There’s no mistaking that there’s a man asleep on his chest in a clearly non-platonic cuddle. Usually Ilya would be punching the intruder, threatening violence to try and ensure they kept their mouth shut but he has quickly realised something far more important. With the way they are sleeping, Ilya on his underneath on his back and Shane on his stomach on top with his face pressed into the gap between Ilya’s neck and the couch, they can’t see his face.

He quickly pulls Shane’s hood up over his head to hide hair and rests a hand over it to gently discourage Shane from moving it should he start to wake up.

So Ilya just stares down his team and goes “you can be upset, but are going to be fucking quiet about it because if you wake my guest I’m sending all my blackmail on you to your wives, and then start fucking them to help them get over the divorce.”

So the whole “You’re fucking gay!” “No, I’m a fucking bi who is fucking a gay” conversation happens at a furious whisper, with Shane blissfully sleeping on Ilya’s chest as life implodes around him.

Shane may be a deep sleeper - and the argument in whispers - but even he starts to stir at the noise.

Ilya can’t have him moving his face into visibility now, so he just scruffs the back of his neck harshly and pressed him deeper into his shoulder.

Shane lets out a pleased (and not at all quiet) moan, and - worried that he is going to start talking - Ilya realises he needs to shut him up.

So he glares at the Bears to be quiet, while suddenly putting on the softest voice they have ever heard him use as he goes, “shhh quiet time now mоя любовь. Back to sleep.” And then shoves his fingers into Shane’s mouth.

When the Bears leave soon after, some of them have LEARNT some things about themselves. But crucially, none of them have learnt who their captain is fucking.

[lorkhanagendaposting]

"A society that separates its lore masters from its horny posters will have its headcanons written by prudes and its erotic fanfic by fools."

[mapetitefeedeslilas]

Shane who, before him and Ilya get outed, keeps hearing people, fellow players, his own friends, talk shit about the man he loves and it pains him, so one night he googles "Ilya Rozanov nice person" and ends up in a subreddit where people share stories of celebrities that are surprisingly nice people and the page dedicated if Ilya is full of wholesome stories

hospital personnel from where he used or still visited the paediatric department with the team, parents of patients, even former patients themselves seeing how great, attentive, funny and light-hearted he was

puck bunnies or women he had one night stands with during the years playing for Boston saying he was a phenomenal lover and a consent king, or women that approached him whilst inebriated and whom he gently turned down, bought a bottle of water for and paid for their cabs to get back home safely

neighbours saying he was very polite, people he was nice or helpful to through the years, a mom with a screaming child whose first class seat on a flight to Moscow he gave up so she could have more room for her herself and the baby, a classmate he defended in school, a former teacher saying how smart and talented he was in spite of not having much time to study because he was training a lot, Russian-speakers saying his interviews in his mother tongue are a thing of beauty and incredibly well-spoken, waiters and shop assistants stressing how polite his interactions were

Shane devours these stories with tears in his eyes and a heart about to explode, the tab perpetually open in his phone, incognito mode.

And when someone talks shit about Ilya or when, after their outing, hate starts to be thrown at him even more viciously from the media, he goes back to the tab, just to see that there actually many that agree with him: Ilya, the love of his life, is the most wonderful person

[elise-the-blind]

@lunardevistation i want u to know it was your comment that inspired this specifically.

anyway, i had a few more things i had to get out of my head before i could calm down so I've made dinner for anyone interested.

I didn't have time to draw this, but i genuinely cant decide who would be who in the "he asked for no pickles" scenario. both options are entirely possible

also here, have some angst, because i love hurting people, I'm tired I'm going back in the ground

(i spent so long on this comic i forgot i drew Simon without a shirt and jumpscared myself)

[trulyabookweirdo]

I have this headcanon that [SPOILERS FROM THE LONG GAME] after Shane and Ilya get outed and the media frenzy winds down, they end up doing several low stake interviews to get the general population to like them as a pair. And so at one point they end up doing the "reading mean tweets trend" together (the idea was for them to defend each other) and one directed at Shane reads:

"Can you imagine being the reason that Ilya Russian-Greatest-Love-Machine Rozanov spends the rest of his life having boring missionary style sex? Shane Hollander, if you really love him, let him go"

And everyone can see Ilya trying to understand the tweet for a second before he freezes, his breathing becoming unsteady while he interrupts Shane (stammering through a media trained response) to say:

"you... You think that Shane... You think he..."- before completely collapsing into absolute laughter. The kind of laughter that kind of hurts, that has you wheezing and trying to find your breath, that gets tears in your eyes and turns your face red from lack of oxygen. His voice and laughter get high-pitched, and he has to steady himself on his husband cause he almost falls from his chair.

The man is completely undone while Shane smacks his leg to "shut up, shut up!", all the while trying and failling to finish the sentence, cause he can't believe anyone on this planet could think of Shane as anything less as a sexually-deviant-kinky motherfucker who would rather die than do something less than soft BDSM.

Every time he starts to calm down, he looks at the camera and starts laughing again. They have to stop recording for 15 minutes, and in the following part of the interview everyone can see the red eyes from the tears of laughter, and the cuts in the video from where he couldn't control himself and started laughing again.

The day after it's released, Ilya's unhinged laughter becomes a response meme for when people say something stupid.