#{small talk}

[doumeki]

[smallsinger5901]

tiktok users will call themselves a crazy freak for being into conventionally attractive men with a couple of scars whereas tumblr users will straightfaced come up to you and be like ‘aha yeah im pretty vanilla i only want to fuck the Normal Amount of computer components :)’

[hooveringthemotherland]

One of the biggest issues of moving to England as a person who is Ukrainian AND neurodivergent is not knowing how to answer the small talk question of "how are you", but today I was reminded that Ukrainian blessed me with the phrase that roughly translates as "living is hard but dying would be a pity" and can we please naturalise it so I can use it all day every day

[hannibal-lecters-cock]

Me, internally: don’t say it. don’t say it. don’t-

Me, out loud: so have you seen that TV show about Hannibal. You know. The cannibal one.

[defectivegembrain]

"Small talk is the vibe check" yeah so is judging you by your looks that doesn't mean its accuracy is above criticism

[facts-i-just-made-up]

could i get some facts about me to recite when new people ask me to tell them something about myself and my mind goes immediately blank

This is a problem that happens to many people with much on their mind. Here is a set of things you can tell people, no matter what the occasion:

I am not made solely of pine-wood or pine-derivative plastics.

I have between zero and four thousand limbs, inclusive.

I contain several liters of my people's water.

My name is comprised mostly of real letters (Musks may differ).

I am unaware of the contents of soil on most exoplanets.

My spleen is smaller than the Chicago metropolitan area.

I am not, have never been, and may never be you.

Telling people these facts will always put them at ease and quell any concerns they have about your normality.

[neuroqueerings]

Small Talk: A Guide

I have come to think of small talk as a service I provide for allistic people.

It took me a long time to realise that small talk is essentially just a noise. Someone says to you, 'Hello, how are you?', and technically you should be able to just reply, 'noise'. Or 'Noise, noise. Noise?'.

But every game has its parameters. So, you have to say something like, 'I'm fine, thank you, how are you?', or throw them a curveball like, 'I'm fine thanks, but isn't it cold?'. They seem to like a curveball, because it hints at meaning, where in fact there is none.

And this brings me onto the most important rule. If someone asks if you are alright, you can chortle and say, 'I will be when I've [insert something mundane like 'finished work'], thus hinting at dissatisafaction with life. But it can only be a hint. Don't just leave an ominous 'no' echoing between you.

The universal translation of all small talk is, 'Everything is ok, I am being friendly, expectations are being met'. That is what the noise you are making should mean. If you are advanced enough, by all means add a curveball or a hint of feeling, but never, ever any actual meaning.