summary: yet another angsty alex fic because i love the idea of just doting on her and being the one to take care of her for once. set immediately after 9x20 blood relations.
content: near drowning, hurt/comfort, unsub related fear, autistic!alex, gasping/lack of air, mild fear of water. fem!/nb reader, angry/concerned reader. reader is angry at the team but not angry at the team. just concerned for their gf really. hair washing, cussing, reader drops the f bomb like a lot, justified imo.
"Where is she?!"
The growl issues forth from your throat before the doors of the local station even fully swing open for you. How you'd found out, and how quickly you'd gotten here is irrelevant. All that matters is you're here now.
Aaron's is the first face you see and his doesn't help to calm you, to tame the anger masked worry on your face. He steps away from the officer, quickly excusing himself, to turn to you. He doesn't offer excuses, a credit to him, and he doesn't attempt to stop you.
"She's with JJ right now. She's okay."
Okay. Okay is a fucking understatement. Almost drowing at the hands of an inbred sociopath doesn't even come close to the definition of okay.
You shove past him, had he tried to stop you you would have shoulder-checked him and he would have let you, he would have allowed anyone to in this circumstance.
"How are you doing?"
Jennifer's voice lilts through the hallway as you stalk closer, and it sounds like a prompt, like she's asking for a real answer, it's not the first time she's asked.
And then you hear it. The voice that matters to you more than anyone else here, you loved the team, of course, but not the way you loved her. You hear Alex.
"I just..." Her voice breaks, shatters like stone, and it nearly sears your broken heart, "i couldn't breathe!" She sounds like she's fighting, clawing for air, and you want to burst in right now, to interrupt, but that wouldn't be fair, not to JJ, and not to her. It's Alex who needs this moment.
"We sent thirty bullets into that water." JJ's tone is soft, soothing, "Alex, he's dead."
You don't listen to what Alex might have said next, because it's then you make your presence known.
"He better fucking be."
Your growl, the snarl, it's poison on your own tongue, your hatred for a dead man, he'd better hope he was dead at least. Because if you got your hands on him...
"Oh god."
Alex breathes, knees buckling at the sight of you, the sound of your voice, you'd never seen her like this, so scared, not in all the time you've known her, she's been scared before, but not like this.
JJ rushes to keep her standing and you meet her halfway, accepting Alex's weight as your own. Your hand tangles in her damp hair, and you can smell the mildew and damp sock smell immediately.
"Oh god." She repeats, sobbing into your shoulder, a rare display of public fragility. She normally keeps everything inside so well, that seeing her like this, while not surprising to her co-workers, sends ripples of worry in them. "Oh god I'm sorry."
"No." You bark, harsher than you'd intended. "No." You repeat, softer now, "Don't. It's okay. I'm here. I'm right here."
"So scared." She mumbles against your shoulder, and she's gone, she can't hold the mask in place anymore, after tonight, no one could have expected her too. "I was so scared."
"I know. I know, you're safe now. I promise."
Your eyes find JJ's, a look passing between you, you need her help, to get Alex out of here and back to the hotel. She won't leave unless everyone else does, she won't rest until the case is done.
"Well, I am beat. I think i'm gonna head back to the hotel and check in with my boys. You guys should do the same. Derek and Spence left already, and I think Hotch is wrapping up."
Alex nods and you sigh internally in relief. One arm wraps around her middle, though she's perfectly capable of walking herself, she lets you hold her anyway. Needing the grounding you always provide.
"We aren't flying out until morning." She mumbles as you both pass by Aaron again, "how did you—"
"Penelope helped me out."
At this, Alex barks a waterlogged laugh that jostles her for a moment too long, and it genuinely scares you.
"Of.." she coughs, "of course she did."
"Easy, easy. Maybe we should go to the ER."
"No." Her whisper is half plea. "Please, no hospitals, I'm fine. I swear."
You don't need to look at her to see her eyes, to know the exact way she's looking at you. And you give in. Of course you do.
"Fine. But if you feel even the slightest bit sick..."
"I'll tell you." She finishes your exact thought. "I promise."
"Alright."
You hum your assent, and the SUV chirps to life from the key fob in your other hand. She grips the door handle and slides into the passenger side without complaint. Normally you wouldn't be allowed to drive a goverment issued vechicle like this, but given the situation, you doubt anyone would stop you. Not even Rossi.
Soon enough the hotel door closes behind you and the lock clicks into place. Alex hasn't really said much since you'd left the station and that was fine, until it wasn't. You need her to talk to you. After what happened, god she has too.
"Are you going to say anything?"
"I just want to take a shower and sleep."
"That's not fucking good enough Alex! I need you to fucking talk to me! You almost fucking died today and all you can think about is a fucking shower?! Jesus Christ!"
She backs away from you just slightly, the backs of her knees hitting the edge of the bedside table inbetween the two beds of the room.
"I don't know what you want me to say..."
"Anything! Alex! Any fucking thing!"
Hot tears swarm down your face and the anger melts away, fear replacing it. You know this about her, that she has trouble communicating, and you get it, you really really do. But god sometimes you just hate it. You hate it when she can't tell you anything, can't or won't.
Alex shrugs, slumping down on the first available bed and drops her head into her hands.
"I tried to shoot." She murmers at last, "my gun went off, I saw blood, I must have grazed him. He pulled me under with him... I couldn't... I couldn't..."
You drop on the bed next to her, guilt swirling in your stomach now, you shouldn't have yelled at her. Not after the ordeal she'd been through.
"I couldn't breathe!" Her nails claw at her throat helplessly and you carefully coax them away. Pulling her into your arms instead.
"I don't know what would have happened if I had missed. If... if my shot hadn't connected. If Morgan and JJ hadn't shown up... I... I was so scared I'd never see you again. Never see anyone again."
"Oh baby, oh honey." You coo, you don't kiss her hair, you're not keen on tasting that water, but you do keep your arms around her. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry I yelled at you. I'm not mad at you Alex, I was scared. So scared. And sometimes I forget how hard it is for you to... to open up. I'm sorry."
You stay like that for a while longer, your apology hangs in the thick, southern air around you, hugging you like smog, before you pull back some, take her face in your hands.
"Let me take care of you. Just for tonight?"
She nods, out of energy, out of words, body and brain shutting down, as you suspected they might. That's alright. You no longer need her to speak, just be alive, alive and safe with you.
You beckon her up, offering your hand, and guide her into the tiny bathroom. Lucky the bureau had sprung from rooms with actual tubs in them. Gently you lower yourself to the side of it, plugging the drain and adjusting the temp.
Alex stands, arms hugging across her lithe frame, damp clothes clinging to her body, wet hair curling around her face and throat.
When you're satisfied you stand up, closing the small distance between you both.
"Come on, can I help you out of these wet clothes?"
"Yeah."
Her consent is a whisper, but it's enough to hear, and slowly you peel her dark blue t-shirt from her chest, unhook her black bra—you don't linger— undo the button on her soaked jeans, and pull them from her legs, her underwear too, throwing them in a pile on the bathroom floor.
"Come on."
You take her hand, lead her toward the bath, but she falters, stops. A whimper spills from her throat, tiny, helpless, near silent.
"Hey..." you whisper, "it's okay. This... this is safe. I promise. I'm right here, and I'll be with you the whole time okay? I won't let you go under. Okay? Trust me?"
"Yeah." She echoes, taking a tiny step, and then another. Slowly you lift one of her ankles, placing her right foot into the warm water, then the other.
"Can you sit for me? So I can wash your hair?"
After another second of hesitation, Alex contemplates just calling this whole thing off, she acquiesces, and coaxes her body to sit.
The water does feel nice, admittedly, and she's surprised that she even relaxes a tiny bit.
"There you go. See. Nothing to be scared of."
You reach for the shampoo, she always brings hers from home, something else about her you'd learned, she hated not having her own supplies, her own things. Tiny routines like her own soap helped soothe her when her mind got too overstimulated.
You pour some into your hand, dipping it into the water to give it some purchase against her hair in a moment, and get to work, working the lather in until the scent of strawberries fills the small room.
You work until your fingers ache, massaging her scalp soothingly, not wanting to stop until you know she's ready. Finally though, you help her lean back, it makes her stiffen again.
"Right here. Remember?"
She hums her remembrance, and allows you to lower her slightly, just enough to rinse her hair. It floats around her in the tub and you're careful not to let it get into her eyes or near her neck.
"Alright. All done. Lets get you comfortable and dry."
You help her to stand and wrap a fluffy white, hotel grade towel around her, drying her hair with the other one left in the room. She likes to let her hair mostly air dry, so you just squeeze the excess water from it and let it be.
"Feel better?"
You ask her, once you're both dressed for bed and slightly more comfortable, with her laying across your chest, and your fingers dancing through her hair softly.
"I do. Thank you. For coming."
"Wild horses Blake, wild horses."
She snorts a laugh, rolling her eyes.
"Garcia tell you that one?"
"As a matter of fact, she did."
You kiss her hair this time, this time it smells like her again, as you chuckle into her scalp. The TV is on in the background, some historical documentary—Anne Boleyn you think— it's one of your shared niche interests, but it mostly just serves as something mindless that can drone on, putting you both to sleep.
"I should have waited for backup, I should have waited for Morgan."
"You were doing your job, Alex, you saved Cissy. You couldn't have known what would happen."
"It's quite literally my job to know."
"You're too hard on yourself."
"Someone has to be."
"And let it be the brass, fuck, let it be Aaron, but it doesn't have to be you. Okay? Let yourself forgive yourself, because you saved that woman's life. That is no small thing. I'm just glad... glad you're still alive to see that."
"You were really scared?"
"Fucking terrifed." You laugh, "If looks could kill, Rossi would be arresting me for homicide on Hotch."
"You should apologize. To all of them."
"I know. I will, but my first priority, always, is you."
"You spoil me."
"Maybe. But you deserve it."
You kiss her forehead, her nose, and finally find her lips, it's not a passionate, lover's kiss. Its sweet, chaste, and soft. All you both need.
"I love you." She says suddenly, "I don't say that nearly as much as I should. I'm terrible. I'm terrible at putting my feelings into words, at communication, which is so stupidly ironic considering I study people's words for a living, my brother, oh it drives him insane, drove my mom crazy too, none of them understood it. Not really, how I could be so good at words, understanding them, the syntax of language, and yet be so bad at expressing my own thoughts and feelings. I wish I were better at it, and I'm trying to be I really am, but sometimes i just can't seem to... to see the world the way everyone else does, sometimes I forget not everyone is so blunt, so straightforward. The world would be so much simpler if everyone just said what they mean, but that's probably asking way too much."
She's rambling again but you don't interrupt.
"So, rather than deal with that, I just... end up not saying anything at all, and that comes off as cold or uncaring, but I do care, a lot. I love my brother, my father, I adored my mother, but I could never find the right way to express that. And I love you, so so much, and it scares me, it scares me because I can't express that the way I know you wish I could, I'm trying, but I dont want you to think that I don't care, that I don't love you, because I do."
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier." Your lips ghost against her ear for a moment. "I know how hard it is for you, to communicate, at least in the way the world thinks you should, but I don't give a damn about what the world wants. Alex, I know you love me, I don't need fancy declarations to know that. I'm sorry that I implied i was angry at you for something you can't help, that was wrong."
"My dad thinks... my brother, they wish I would change, visit more, write more, as much as i wish i could, as much as I want too, I... I forget. Genuinely. I just... forget how much it hurts them, not hearing the words, because they can't, they can't feel it, they can't understand love without words, actions. It's not that I love them less, of course not, but... it would be nice if they could try to understand me, instead of trying to change me."
"I'm sorry." You say again, "I never, never want to change you. I'm sorry I said that. I was just so scared I lost you, that you going silent... god Alex, it scared the hell out of me."
"I didn't mean to frighten you."
"I know you didn't. I know you needed to regulate, and I'm glad you let me help you to do that. Thank you, for letting me take care of you."
"Just don't go around telling people okay?"
She chuckles, nuzzling deeper into your chest, her ear pressed against your ribs, listening to your heart.
"Your reputation is in good hands, I promise."
You tease, smiling to yourself a little. You still can hardly believe this gorgeous woman is yours. That it's you she comes home to after cases, you who she lets see her scared and vulnerable, you who she lets wash her hair. You almost want to pinch yourself to make sure you're not dreaming all of this. Alex Blake. Cunning linguist and badass FBI agent, is your girlfriend. Holy shit right? What had you ever done to deserve that? Deserve her?
You both turn your attention back to the televison, the pretty blonde British historian is telling you about a book of hours, from what Alex had told you, basically it's a book of prayers, meant to be read at certain hours of the day, hence the name. You settle into the explantion, letting the years of old travel you back in time.
When you look at Alex again, a short time later, you're unsurprised to find her asleep, one hand gripping the hem of your shirt.
Your phone's vibration takes you out of your revere. A text from JJ.
I heard that Eclipse was apparently gonna come back on the SAMS channel? DONT TAKE MY WORDS AS TRUTH BTW; I HEARD IT SOMEWHERE, BUT I CANNOT DENY NOR CONFIRM IT AS I DONT WATCH THE STREAMS BECAUSE MY ATTENTION SPAN IS SHIT. SO DO, BY ALL MEANS, CORRECT ME!!
If he does come back, what if its like what happened with him and Solar before? Yk how when Solar died, Eclipse was kinda the main focus (in Eclipse variant terms)? Then when Solar came back, Eclipse left and let Solar take over again in his place as that dimension's Eclipse?
Is this, like, hinting that Solar may be the one likely to turn evil? Since I doubt Eclipse will be returning like this without a thought or reason (unless its to meet Terra, then I absolutely see why, but not as a long-term thing but just a hangout).
Or maybe Eclipse is just there to knock some sense into Solar. He goes: "The fuck is wrong with you. This is why youre BELOW me, bitch." slaps Solar and goes back into the portal /silly. But no, I think Eclipse would be too direct with Solar, and idk if thatll be a good thing.
I really have no words to explain what it is that I did here. Just .... prepare for an onslaught of terrible photoshop.
JUNE 1, 2023
Transcript of the important pieces of That Video™️:
[Cutting out all the basic introduction of how an escape room works, but please note that Max is staring the escape room guy down as if he'll disappear if he looks away for a single second.]
DANIEL: You’re allowed as many hints as you’d like, but when you take a photo at the end, we will publicly shame you by writing how many you used on the whiteboard.
MAX: Do you come in if we need hints?
DANIEL: Normally we tell you over a loudspeaker, but ours is actually broken, so yeah. Just press that button and I’ll come in.
MAX: I think we’ll need a lot of hints.
LIAM: I think we’re a decently smart group. We can do it without hints.
[Max turned around and kind of glared at Liam??]
MAX: No, I think we’ll need a lot of hints.
[He stared at Daniel VERY intensely. Better men have crumbled beneath that stare. Daniel just laughed and bent over a little and clapped his hands together all giddy? Max met his match fr.]
____
[Literally TWO MINUTES into the escape room, Checo found a key that obviously unlocked a chest. Max took the key from him, claimed the key didn’t fit - the camera zoom shows he didn’t even try btw - and put the key in his pocket.]
MAX: I think we need to call Daniel in for help.
[He hit the button before anyone could disagree.]
DANIEL: What’s the problem?
MAX: We can’t open the chest.
[Daniel looked REALLY amused. He pointed at Max’s skinny jeans.]
DANIEL: Did you try the key?
MAX: What key?
[He covered the pocket of his pants, but not before the camera clearly showed the outline of a key in those skin-tight jeans he always wears. His beloved skinny jeans …. they betrayed him …]
DANIEL: The key in your pocket.
MAX: It didn’t work.
DANIEL: It usually works better when you actually put the key in the hole.
MAX: Put it in the hole. I’ll try that, thank you.
[Daniel rolled his eyes when he left the room, but NOT in a ‘harangued underpaid employee being sexually harassed at work’ way. He was very clearly trying not to smile.]
____
[It’s five minutes into this escape room. May I remind you that they have a full hour to complete this thing? Max looked at a broken cocktail glass, which is clearly intentionally broken. It’s only in two pieces. It’s glued down. The edges are completely dull. He still hit the button].
YUKI: Oh my god, Max.
MAX: That could be dangerous!
[Daniel entered the room and walked straight over to Max.]
DANIEL: Yes, Max?
MAX: There’s broken glass.
DANIEL: It’s decor and entirely made of plastic.
MAX: I had to be sure. Safety first.
[Daniel started to walk back out of the room.]
DANIEL: I’m counting this in your hint count, by the way.
YUKI: Fuck you, Max.
[The swear words are obviously all censored, but we can all tell what the word is when they’re swearing at Max, which happens quite a lot in this video. Max just shrugged at him. Unbothered king.]
____
[I cannot make this up - he calls Daniel in one minute later.]
CHECO: There’s numbers circled on this poster.
LIAM: There’s five numbers and this lock over here needs five. We just have to figure out the order.
YUKI: Max, don’t hit the fucking button.
[Max has already hit the fucking button.]
MAX: What order do these go in?
[Daniel rubbed a hand over his beard while he searched for a way to explain to Max that he can’t just give him the answers.]
DANIEL: Do those numbers maybe relate to something else in the room? For example, those books over there?
MAX: I don’t know. We could go look together.
LIAM: Sorry, do you two just want the room to yourselves?
MAX: Yes.
[Daniel just laughed again. He is absolutely immune to Max’s intense flirtatious weirdness. It’s incredible to watch.]
DANIEL: How about you all take a look and see how you go?
[If you’re wondering, the others do figure it out after eight minutes. You put the books in alphabetical order, and the colour of their cover relates to the colour of the number. This was something actually worthy of a hint, but Yuki physically guarded the button so Max couldn’t hit it].
____
[Twenty minutes in. Max is trying and failing to figure out a riddle.]
MAX: I think this must only make sense if you speak English. This game isn’t designed for us.
LIAM: Do you want me to look?
[Liam didn’t even finish his sentence before Max hit the button, by the way.]
DANIEL: Having some riddle trouble?
MAX: Your game is biased.
[Max started wagging his finger, and Yuki looked like he was contemplating snapping it off. Checo was staring blankly at the corner and seemed to be wishing he were anywhere else.]
DANIEL: Mate, I’m pretty sure you speak better English than me.
YUKI: We don’t want the hint.
MAX: We want the hint.
DANIEL: How about I whisper a hint to Max, and he only gives it to you guys if the rest of you can’t figure it out?
[Max looks absolutely delighted with this turn of events. Daniel cups his hands around his mouth and whispers it into Max’s ear.]
MAX: Sorry, say that again?
[He got away with that two more times, by the way. I actually can’t believe Red Bull left this footage in. Max looked smug as hell.]
____
[After four minutes of the group trying and failing to figure out the riddle, they finally give up and ask Max for the hint. I don’t know why they wasted their time. Max hit that fucking button.]
MAX: I forgot the hint. Sorry.
DANIEL: I mean, you only heard it three times. How could you remember?
____
[When Max hits the button again, 27 minutes in, there are audible sighs from even the cameramen in the room.]
DANIEL: Max, would you just like to sit in the observation room with me give out hints?
YUKI: Please!
LIAM: Yes, he would.
[There are no words in any language to succinctly or accurately describe the pleased expression on Max’s face. The best comparison I have is a cat rolling in a field of catnip.]
NOTE: There’s no footage of what went down in the room. Red Bull included a little pop-up explaining that the cameraman couldn’t fit in the room with them. I think that room could have been the size of the entire paddock and Max would’ve found an excuse to have just himself and Daniel in there.
[The others ask for a hint at the 48 minute mark. Suddenly, magically, the loudspeaker works. No one has to enter. It’s just Max’s bossy voice telling them what to do, in detail, to solve the room, and Daniel giggling and protesting in the background, saying he can’t tell them that. It sounds like there’s a scuffle for the mic after Max drops approximately six instructions, and then it cuts off.]
____
[During the photo of everyone holding the sign at the end, Daniel tries to write a 9 in the “clues used” section. Max keeps erasing it and writing 0 with his own marker, produced from seemingly nowhere. Eventually, everyone takes a photo without the sign and they let Max and Daniel continue their little play fight in the corner.]
____
[Post-escape interviews. They all seem to be in a van on the way back from this adventure. Max is giddy and giggling.]
MAX: That was a lot of fun. I think it went well. I was very good at giving clues. I think I found my job for after retirement.
YUKI: It was good when Max left.
LIAM: To be fair, mate, we would have lost if Max didn’t give us all the answers at the end.
YUKI: I was figuring it out!
[The camera captures Checo for only a second. He’s staring longingly out the window... probably contemplating jumping out of the moving vehicle.]
TLDR: Max is definitely fucking this escape room guy and if Red Bull never does a repeat of this video, I’m joining Max’s agenda against marketing activities.
the controversial about the borgias finale makes me lose my mind because the most famous interpretation is "lucrezia hates cesare after this" "they break after the finale because he kills alfonso" and it makes me insane because i interpreted the complete opposite. did i miss something????
The last rb had me looking closer at setlist.fm again amd thinking about my upcoming year and all I can say is. I think the man I become in 2027 will make TAI my top seen artist
