So this morning I found myself missing him again. I was doing the most ordinary thing - washing the dishes - and i suddenly thought about him, how we dont talk anymore, and just all the shit that happened and I teared up.
I keep missing him every other day in the past 3 weeks. I still catch myself with tears rolling down my cheeks when I remember him. I miss him so much. i miss him so much, my heart ache.
I just wish we remained close. i just wish we still talked. because i just remembered that this time last year was the last time we talked.
i get so angry sometimes, realising the possible reasons why we dont talk anymore, like, because he's got a girlfriend back then, how they briefly broke up because we started to talk again but wHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THAT? there was nothing going on between us. i just needed a friend. no one understands me like he does.
fuck. i miss him so much. i want him back in my life. he's the only person i trust the most. he's the only person i could talk to about most things. he knows me so well. IM JUST SO ANGRY AND SAD WITH THE WAY THINGS TURNED OUT.
THAT TIME LAST YEAR, I JUST OPENED UP FOR THE FIRST TIME TO SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE ABOUT MY DEPRESSION. he was trying to help me. but he left. i was so angry i was so hurt and i still am, but now i understand more that maybe, he didnt leave on purpose, he just had to, because of his girlfriend.
depression is such an overused word that it seems like it has lost its meaning, people take it lightly. most people on tumblr would understand if someone says that they were depressed or suffered from depression. i tried telling my friends in real life that i was depressed, i struggled with living in england. but you know what, nobody fucking listened. they probs just thought that i was exaggerating the word "sad and stressed out" and use the word "depression" instead but i wASNT. I WAS DEPRESSRED BUT NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTAND. i guess they were too young to understand, and there was only one person in real life who listened, and it was him. HE FUCKING LISTENED AND UNDERSTOOD AND KNEW WHAT TO FUCKING SAY TO ME TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT NOW HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.
IM SO ANGRY I AM SO ANGRY I FUCKJING NEED HIM. I NEED SOMEONE MATURE LIKE HIM, IM THE MOST INDEPENDENT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD, I NEED GUIDANCE IN LIKVE EVERYTHING AND HE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO UNDERSTAND ME, THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT TO SAY OR HOW TO RESPOND TO THINGS I SAY, AND I LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS. I LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS, I LIKE HIS PATIENCE I LIKE HOW HE NEVER GET TIRED OF ME. IM JUSY, IM CRYING RIGHT NOW I JUST, FUCK IM SO ANGRY AND SAD AND I WISH I COULD TALK TO HIM I FUCKING MISS HIM
I NEED HIM. I WANT TO TALK TO HIM AS FRIENDS, AS BESTFIRNDS, AS BROTHER/SISTER, WHY CANT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT???? WHY CANT PEOPLE SEE PAST THE FACT THAT WE ONCE WE TOGETHER, IT DOESNT MEAN WE HAVE SOMETHING GOING ON.
ONE FUCKING YEAR. AND I KEEP THINKING ABOUT YOU NEARLY EVERYDAY FUCK YOU
