[TW: Former Anti-Zionism and overcoming of guilt and shame.]
Like you, I was also a hardline anti-Zionist not too long ago. For me, my journey away from anti-Zionism came after my decision to convert, as a result of my resolution to learn about the last couple of centuries of Jewish history. After all, if I was to be a Jew, I needed to know how to defend my anti-Zionism in my Jewish community... well, the joke was on me, and I'm not an anti-Zionist anymore.
I want to ask your view on how one deals with the... shame and guilt, honestly, of having held such bitter and furious beliefs and views. I won't speak for you of course, but I look back on comments I made just a year or two ago and I want to cry in shame at how antisemitic I was, at how I could cheer on brutality against Jews, and hope and dream of a world where Israelis are forced to flee, or worse.
Now I have Jewish friends and community members, some of whom are Israeli, and I feel such shame in knowing that if I met them only a couple years ago, I'd say such awful things about them, or assume the worst in them.
On darker days I worry if my past makes me unworthy of ever being a part of the Jewish people, fearing that I can never make up for the harm my words have caused, even if they were only said from behind a computer screen.
Do you feel ashamed of your past anti-Zionism?
How do you deal with it now?
Sincerely, a skandinavischer shkhn.
I kind of avoided answering this because I didn't have a good answer.. but I know I never will. Firstly, it's so incredibly comforting hearing about another former antizionist convert (who also decided to convert first) and a scandi one at that. I appreciate you so much, tack.
I'm incredibly ashamed, and I haven't aleays dealt with it appropriately. Either in the aspect of wallowing in narcissistic self-pity and hate, or getting unreasonably angry at antizionists. Neither option is productive or healthy.
Obviously, we're both individuals with autonomy who have to hold ourselves accountable for what we did and believed. But I'm very certain that goes beyond saying at this point.
Not only is antisemitism a structural part of western culture - but as scandinavians, it's even more so. At least it's particularly true in Sweden - antipathy towards Israel is a cultural norm, and has been ever since the 70:s - particularly in left-wing circles where I ended up in my late teens.
The idea that we're all masters of ourselves with complete autonomy, unencumbered by our social environments and our own demons, is libertarian bullshit. We're all only people, and we're not rational automatons. It's aldo undeniably true that a lot of conversions to judaism have been tied to the suffering of the jewish people. Having been a part of that before you realised you're a convert is not something you or I am alone in.
The shame and guilt are only healthy and appropriate when they help us reckon with the bad shit we did and believed. But they stop being that when it turns into pitying or torturing yourself - it just makes you center your own grievances and make them the center of the universe.
I'm scared literally every single time I talk to a jew at shul that they will "discover" what a piece of shit I used to be and therefore consider me unworthy of joining the jewish community - it's terrifying. But so far, not a single jew who has learned about my past has invalidated my wish to convert.
The only people who have shamed me for my past or called me a fake jew have been antisemite goyim and antizionist jews who are projecting their own rage toward a target they feel is acceptable. You shouldn't let them, and neither should I.
It's hard. Especially on top of the feelinf that you're in-between, or feeling like you now don't belong anywhere at all. But as I'm sure you already know, it's well worth it. Hashem is always here, and he loves you. Just the act of feeling ashamed for having been a dick is enough for you and I to know that we're on the right path.
Baruch Hashem, I love you, and thank you for sending this. Du är viktig, och jag uppskattar dig mer än jag kan förmedla - I am honored to become your adoptive sibling under Abraham and Sarah. Jag tror i all ärlighet att vi kan göra åtminstone lite skillnad, och i bästa fall göra livet för judar i Skandinavien lite bättre.
