2020 thoughts
i never got to sit down and reflect about much last year but just a quick* Vibe Summary
bad year. hugely genuinely bad year. not as bad as 2014 when i dropped out of college or 2016, but almost there.
i started therapy right before the pandemic and that was loads of help each week when i found it almost impossible to see that doing my best to survive day by day while struggling mentally and emotionally at work was good enough for that point. the constant number-watching and research for Discussion Points throughout the pandemic since its start destroyed my energy and capacity to do much more than work, eat, and sleep.
i realized i couldn't stand my job and had a cry session with a coworker where we both sobbed under our masks about how it sucked working at a tourist attraction (before vaccines were even in talks) and how our bosses prioritized that and made changes and increases to capacity without consulting ANY of it's only staff that had constant contact with guests.
also realized that living alone was going to be necessary for my recovery and struggled in the shame of being unable to communicate this while living with friends who helped me escape from my abusive family. realized we are on such different paths and that it was growing v difficult to focus on paving my own path without feeling the jealousy or the self inflicted inferiority complex and the ever-ongoing imposter syndrome.
anyway i'd say big points/things i learned is choosing for myself is nothing to be ashamed of.
sometimes all you can do is the bare minimum, and anyone else who Looks like they're doing more than the bare minimum, you just don't have the full story. no grounds for comparison. no grounds for creating internal narratives for which i don't have all the information.
goals: say that i wanted to stay in chicago without feeling shame, and feel confident and trusting in my decision.