i feel empty and hollow and shallow and alone and insignificant, and my immediate reaction is to go to yogi and groom him or give him a bath or ride him or do something so he feels better or safter or just cared-for in general, which in turn either does or doesn't make me feel like an actual fucking human again but it's the former about nine times out of ten so
or i mean i'll go bully someone into letting me do nice things for them which tends to have the same effect, which is basically what i've been doing all summer by going above and beyond for dana and the girls at bb and having them recognize that i'm busting my ass has kept me on an upswing throughout the entire summer up to tonight and who even fucking knows what tonight is i'm just fucking done with my mother and don't want to see her again for a long, long time.
when i have downswings, i literally drive myself into a frenzy fighting them. winston didn't just turn up because i was fucking bored one day - his entire personality is hardcore self-preservation like fucking get up and go which is pretty much the complete opposite of everyone i've ever met who is depressed and yeah maybe that's kept me functioning better and not had me mutilating myself in the long run but what does anything even fucking mean if i can't be pulled apart badly enough to lose control of a situation
something is wrong with me - just, i don't know, the opposite wrong of most people. i'm the girl who everyone thinks is fine for years and years and years and then overdoses on pills and slits her wrists and hangs herself for good measure to make sure that she doesn't, at least, fuck up the process of killing herself.