Oct 21, 2020
pretty much nothing makes me happy anymore. so that’s cool.
#project hail mary- #the amazing digital circus
- #the vampire lestat
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#amc tvl#sam reid#jacob anderson
#pride month- #wlw
#lana del rey
#photography
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#amc tvl#sam reid#jacob anderson
seen from Hungary
seen from Malaysia
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from China
seen from Hungary
seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from United States
seen from South Korea
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from United States
seen from Italy
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from Germany
pretty much nothing makes me happy anymore. so that’s cool.
It’s really the little things that get to you, ya know? I pride myself on the fact that I can cope with almost anything that’s thrown at me, but it’s the little things you see each day that slowly start to unravel you from the inside out. Like watching the person you love not being able to eat anymore because the chemo is causing ulcers in their mouth. It’s the little things like watching them getting puffed from walking to the fridge and back, or hearing them walking around at 3am because they’re in too much pain to sleep. It’s like watching them fade right in front of your eyes, bit by bit. Watching them die but not being able to do anything to stop it, and I hate that. I HATE it. I hate being powerless and watching him die, I hate that I can’t do anything to help. I didn’t even cry when I was told the news. Is that normal? Why did this have to happen to him again? How is it fair? I’m a terrible person. I’m a horrible excuse of a human being, because in some ways, I want him to die. I want it over with. I want this to just end. I’m feeling myself fracture, and I feel guilty about it. Why should I be complaining? I’m not the one dying, I should be grateful, and I should be caring for him. Instead I’m doing the opposite and I’m removing myself away from him so when he does die, maybe it will hurt a little less. Selfish right? My whole life has been about self preservation, because the asshole that wrecked my life as a child made sure of that. I pride myself on the fact that I can cope at almost any situation thrown at me. But at the moment, I’m not coping.
*trigger warning*
in less than 12 hours, i have purged twice. neither of which has been a binge. just ate, felt uncomfortable, and purged. what is wrong with me!? i didn't even intend on even purging, something just told me i'd feel better. physically, not emotionally. who knows maybe that's a lie. but i had gone roughly three months without doing it. it's like i can stop for a good while, but then i'll engage in these behaviors for a bit, then i'll stop again.