#04.02.2023

[nocte-litteris]

Escucho a las personas a mi alrededor hablar sobre felicidad y solo puedo pensar en que todo lo que me hacía feliz antes, ahora no lo hace y en su lugar me siento cada vez más vacío.

𝕶𝖚𝖗𝖆𝖎𝕯𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍

[nocte-litteris]

Dudaste de mí, pero yo sabía muy bien lo que quería y era amarte hasta el final de mi existencia.

𝕶𝖚𝖗𝖆𝖎𝕯𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍

[freidenken]

Birthday roses

[diaryofanaverageunicorn]

Sometimes, just give up.

Day 16

I successfully fell asleep around 4am. Sweet, sweet slumber... until about 8 when the sun decided to show up. Nevermind, nevermind... go back to speep... dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, drilling, drilling... WAIT WHAT? Drilling, drilling, fuck, fuck, fuck, what time is it??? oh fuck you and your fucking drill how do you even have a house... noo, I don't want to wake up I was supposed to sleep in, I am working today till 1 again, noooooo, shut up, stahp, I hate you and your endless DIYs... UGH. Fine. Cold. cofFEE, WHERE IS THE COFFEE?? Fuck it's Saturday. I put on the closest t-shirt, great, it's the cafe's merch, ah carp I hate it here... oh there goes the sudden burst of tears, great, great, perfect, my coffee isn't done but I ALREADY AM. What do you mean I've been awake for two and a half hours and have to leave in an hour?? I can't handle this... how sick do I have to be to skip today's shift?? No, no, I am working it, remember how low your last salary was?? And I had to work today cuz I messed up my counting so I moved my shift that coincided with the wedding I can't skip it. Gods, I'm going to get fired... No, no, I do a great job and they need staff, it'll be fine. Why doesn't mental health count as a sick day... well it does count as a sick day if you ask for it but I literally can't afford it I would be homeless... Ah great, we're back at dwelling on the capitalistic nightmare prison that we live in, great. Perfect. ARGH. I have to get my medication, so I have to leave half an hour earlier, *cries internally*, alright it's going to be fine, just breathe, there's sun out today! Fuck, it's -1 degrees. Never mind, still, sun, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN CLOSED ARE YOU CRAZY I NEED MY MEDICATION??? Ah crap I'll have to get up early tomorrow, great I'll start the semester just right -- sleep deprived and on the edge of a mental breakdown... FIne whatever, I'll get it tomorrow morning it'll be fine. Oh okay I guess I'll be early for work. Ah nice, Selroti is here, nice, they're super sweet. Nice five minute catch up. The whole cafe is on fire jeezus christ why don't you people have homes?? my entire body is screaming at me in pain after TWO HOURS WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY TWO HOURS HAVE PASSED????? I can't, nope, I shan't, I refuse, I will cry and scream get me OUT OF HERE I CAN"T HANDLE THIS WHY DID YOU STICK ME IN THE KITCHEN I HATE THIS I WANT TO BE HOME I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN... wait, wait, wait -- how much pain am I supposed to endure while at work? do I have to be absolutely fucking incapacitated? Injured beyond a bandaid?? Throw up in front of everyone, or faint???? ARE THEY PAYING ME ENOUGH FOR ME TO STICK AROUND WHILE I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN????? FUCK NO THEY ARE NOT!

"I DON'T FEEL GOOD, I WANT TO LEAVE". Two hours later I was out. Instead of doing an 8 hour shift I did 6. Barely. A coworker tried to guilt trip/shame/pressure me into staying. Ah, how about no. I came home around midnight and here I am writing my blog about the day I had. Horrible. Did not enjoy it. Remember, no job is worth causing yourself pain. More than you have to. Any kind of pain. Especially if you're a burnt-out neurodivergent potato. Fuck 'em.

Goodnight,

M.

[bekindtoyou4007]

Feeling much better today. Went to the gym then had healthy home cooked lunch (and dinner later). Did a salicylic acid scalp treatment and had a bath with pink himalayan salt crystals. Been drinking water and moisturising like a fiend to try to recover my skin. Spent ages today just relaxing, it was lovely. Feel more human.