So, it's been a few years. A lot has happened. I got fired, broke up with the loser I was living with, went back to work at the hotel, graduated, lost a best friend, started dating a very tall, gorgeous man, we broke up twice and got back together three times (still going strong), got accepted in my dream master's, finished the first semester successfully, quit drinking, and today. Oh, boy, today. Today, I met with my lecturer, who is also the most badass professor ever, to talk about a research internship that I'll be doing next semester!!! I'll be an actual researcher and co-authoring an actual paper for an actual journal!?!?!?! Yeah... THAT'S HAPPENING!! I really am so close I can taste the dream. Today was the first ACTUAL step, I got my foot in the door. I worked my ass off to get here. Mental health was sacrificed, sleep was lost, and tears were shed. But I'm here. I got here. I have arrived. It's a long way to having Dr. in front of my name but it's within reach.
Alright, so you know how plants are apparently happier and grow better when classical music is played to them? Since I’m Big Sad atm, I’ll start regarding myself as a plant. I’ll listen to classical music exclusively for the next week and see if there’s any improvement in my mood. Also, I’ll stay in the sun as much as possible (if the sun deigns to show up). Drink more water, too. There we go, till March 8th I’ll be cosplaying a plant.
I’m on my way to work but it’s a smol shift and I won’t be home too late. I skipped uni today cuz I was too tired and sad to go out of the house. It was the right decision. I’m still tired and sad but at least I’m a bit more rested — slept in and took a nap on the couch! I’m going to school tomorrow tho, I have to, even though we’re just going to learn how to use InDesign all day. I might fuck around and play Sims instead. I already know how to use InDesign. We’ll see if it’s possible tomorrow.
I’m alive. Struggling, for sure. But alive. I passed the video workshop successfully and I’m sad I won’t have the BirdMan as my teacher anymore. Met the new teacher today for the print workshop. I dislike her. She gives off strong “I’m better than you” snob vibes. I can’t believe we had to decide what to do for the next three months in thirty minutes WITH NO PREP.
Ugh. 😑
Both mon amour and I have been on the edge for far too long, so we’re not putting in time into our relationship. It’s not anybody’s fault it’s just a really garbage period for both of us and all we can do for each other is take chores from the other to make it a lil easier for the day to day. I appreciate 🍯 so much.
Sad. 😞
I’ve been having self-image issues. Unreasonable ones, sure, but it’s because I’ve been struggling mentally with everything else. It’s coming out in hating my face, weight, hair, skin, ankles, arms, tummy… you get it. Just everything is wrong with me atm, or at least that’s what my stupid brain is telling me. I haven’t had body-issues this bad in a long ass while.
Mad. 😠
I am feeling absolutely crushed atm. Crushed by the capitalistic nightmare that is existing these days. I have a diagnosis that puts me in the “disabled” category, however, to literally have a roof over my head and eat I have to do 60+ hours of work/uni sh*t. Along with all the stuff that it takes to keep the house from becoming a goblin cave and feed myself at least once a day. This is absolutely inhumane. I’m not even doing meaningful work. It’s just going through the motions in survival mode at this point. I don’t know how to make it better, it feels hopeless.
Light? 🌸
I keep having flashes of my dream life throughout the day. They feel like memories, that’s how crisp and real the images and feelings are in my head. Making coffee in a sunlit kitchen, sweeping the doorstep and spreading feed for the chickens. Hanging flowers to dry over the fireplace. Tending the small herb garden and making fresh tea. Smiling at the cat sprawled across the couch, napping in the sun. Dusting the huge bookshelf and picking up a book to read in the huge, slightly distressed chair. Cooking dinner and having wine I produced from the patch of grapes I have out front. Someday, I promise.
a quick introduction to the 12 houses and what they mean in your natal chart! this post is not equivalent to proper research, but is meant as a short run-down or a cheat paper for beginners! my ask box is always open for questions or anything else (but pls read the guidelines beforehand!).
THE 1ST HOUSE / THE ASCENDANT
despite popular belief, the ascendant is in my opinion not necessarily the "mask" we wear in front of others, but more so the way we express ourselves. many confuse its meaning with our sun sign, but while that would describe our real identity and ego, the ascendant more so describes our self-expression and the impression others have of us. some people grow more into their ascendant sign with time, but it usually always influences us in a type of way, may that be our clothing style, our way of speaking, or our outer appearance in general. i'd say our rising sign is the most prominent when we first step into a room, exchange the first few words with a new friend, or just pass by somebody on the street!
the first house is ruled by aries/mars.
THE 2ND HOUSE
as the house of possession, this house is all about money, material things, and other things in life we can own (which is not always limited to the tangible). it can tell us our relationship with money, how we deal with it and how we like to spend (or not) it. it may also indicate if we come from a wealthy background or if we come to money later in life (or if we don't).
the second house is ruled by taurus/venus.
THE 3RD HOUSE
as the house of communication, this house is all about your social skills, circles, and relationships. this house highlights mental connections with those close to us. that may be family members like our siblings, our friends, or even our neighbors! early education also falls under this house, as well as how and with who we like to communicate. it's easy to mix up with mercury, but it can show you a deeper inside in your communication, especially if your mercury sign and 3rd house sign differ from each other.
the third house is ruled by gemini/mercury.
THE 4TH HOUSE / THE IMUM COELI
the imum coeli is said to indicate our heritage, home, and where we are from. it can tell us where and how we live during our life, or even during our childhood. someone with their 4th house in cancer may be way more emotionally attached to their home than someone with their 4th house placed in aquarius.
the fourth house is ruled by cancer/the moon.
THE 5TH HOUSE
as the house of pleasure, it can show us the areas where we like to be most creative. it also covers the areas of procreation and children, but also artistic creation and culture. the 5th house also rules romance and romantic relationships, this house is really all about what brings us pleasure. it can show us how we view those relationships, having kids and being around children, and how we feel most creative.
the fifth house is ruled by leo/the sun.
THE 6TH HOUSE
as the house of health, this house is all about what the name entales: our health! it is said that the sign in which it falls can even indicate with what areas of the body we will have to most issues in life. since the signs are also always associated with body parts, for example, aries is commonly assigned to the head, taurus with the throat, and gemini with hands, etc.
the sixth house is ruled by virgo/mercury.
THE 7TH HOUSE / THE DESCENDANT
the descendant is said to be all about "the other". it's one of the strongest indicators to look for when searching for signs of a future spouse/partner. whatever sign it falls into might tell you some traits your potential spouse/partner may have. it may also tell us what traits we are generally attracted to in others. if the 7th house falls into taurus for example, it may indicate that we are attracted to reliable and romantic partners, who ground us and value materialistic things.
the seventh house is ruled by libra/venus.
THE 8TH HOUSE
the eighth house is often referred to as the house of sex, but it also is the house of transformation, (re-)birth, and death. it can tell us about the possession of others, how we transform throughout life, and how we might die. ruled by scorpio/pluto, this house is also all about jealousy, passion, and mystery.
the eighth house is ruled by scorpio/pluto.
THE 9TH HOUSE
as the house of philosophy, it's all about higher education, long-distance travel, and discovery. it can tell us where or how in life we will further our horizons and where higher education or travel may play a more important role. however, it can also show us where we might be prone to over-enthusiasm and over-spending.
the nineth house is ruled by sagittarius/jupiter.
THE 10TH HOUSE / THE MIDHEAVEN
the midheaven is said to indicate our career, social status, and work life. it's the most prominent when we are (big surprise) at work or school. it can tell us our attitude towards working and how we behave at the workplace. many astrologers also use this to see which career is best suited for someone. someone with a leo mc, for example, would love to be in the spotlight, would love to pursue a creative career, while someone with a capricorn mc may be more of a logical worker, who needs clear structure and realistic goals in order to feel fulfilled with their work.
the tenth house is ruled by capricorn/saturn.
THE 11TH HOUSE
as the house of community, it's all about our friendships, and social circles, but also about networking, organizations, and anything that relates to our community. it also rules over our hopes and dreams, and anything we might want to achieve. it's all about the collective and what we can achieve together as a community, which includes giving and taking from the people around you.
the eleventh house is ruled by aquarius/uranus.
THE 12TH HOUSE
as the house of the subconscious, it's all about the unseen, of shadow, our dreams, and illusions. it often can indicate about "hidden" abilities or traits we have, and in the chart, it can cloud a certain area in life by making it untangible, or hard to reach for our conscious mind. it also can show how we feel towards spirituality (together with the 9th house).
the twelveth house is ruled by pisces/neptune.
thank you for reading!! i’d appreciate a reblog! (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡
Hello, I am alive, barely. Been having though days and haven’t done anything I want to do in a Minute. Including this blog. I want to go back to writing here. I’ll try my best.
I am just popping in to be proud of myself for having followed through. Noice. I finished the first (second) and second (third) batch of posts for the Instagram page. They're looking magical af. I also created the account!! I will post about it when I actually have content to show off. The group and I finished the video assignment online and I made four awesome intro and credits scenes. *mwah*
I also talked to my mom and had pizza for dinner. Great day in terms of productivity and chill. 12/10
I have the wedding to attend tomorrow and I am super excited to get dressed up for it and have a few day drinks as well as make fun of everyone with love.
So, hello. I have been swamped. The last few days have been a rollercoaster. The 8th was absolutely atrocious -- I didn't get enough sleep, went to school, got my period during the lecture, finished at 16, got home, changed clothes, and left for my shift. I cried on the train to work. It was bad. The shift was okay though, the cafe wasn't busy and the people on shift were some of my favourite coworkers. I got home around 01:15 and took a shower then I went to bed at 02:00. Love woke me up at 07:30 the next day and I got up at 07:45. I decided to have my coffee and wake up fully before leaving the house. I was an hour late for my lecture but BirdMan didn't mind and my frens warned him I'd be late. It was an awesome day at school. The lecture was great, we were watching a bunch of videos and discussed them critically. The First and I went down during one of the breaks for a smoke and BirdMan joined us. We were shit-talking a VERY ANNOYING girl from our class (she's in her thirties but acts like a toddler) and BirdMan joined the convo! He offered to move away if he was bothering us but we declined and just included him in our dish sesh. I love him. Then it was time for the editing part of the class and we basically finished the video. We also got some free uni merch cuz there was an open house event. yay. I want all the uni paraphernalia!
After, I came home and love and I had another grown-up discussion. It was great. Then I continued my Instagram page design work and basically did that until I had finished the three designs around 22:30. Then I headed to bed happy, as I don't have to go to uni today cuz we finished the video yesterday. I slept in till 09:30 and had a sloooow morning. I love these. I might type later (hopefully, I will).
Henlo, today has been a good day. I woke up and got up in 9 minutes which is only medium difficulty. I did an awesome dark smokey eye and put a cute casual chic outfit together. Lemme give you some visuals.
The first day of classes was great. I got partnered to work with one of my friends (The Captain, and I asked to be, even though the supervisor said they'll do groups on random). We will be creating around the general theme of "What are the problems created by digital media?" so our focus can be on privacy, misinformation, alienation from "real life", etc. We'll do something ironic, basically subverting expectations by suggesting people should spend MORE time on their phones and other such silly goose things. It'll be great. I am tired but satisfied with how today went. I feel excited to work with Birdman as a supervisor and lecturer again.
Love and I have been discussing relationship stuff as we've both been a little too much in our heads and disconnected from each other. I am really happy we talk about these things and that they keep checking in as I need more reassurance than most. I am still thinking of doing the new Insta page thing. It's time for me to take my makeup off (it'll take a Minute) and get ready for speep. I know it's early, but I think I could wake up earlier tomorrow and see if I can put some work into the Insta page before heading to school.
It was nice to go out and see my frens. I am tired but reluctant to go to bed because once I go to bed… that’s it. The insane six weeks will have begun. Tomorrow is the first day of the workshops. I am both excited for the material and horrified at the workload. Pray for me. I am now going to go take my make up off and get ready for bed. Wish me luck.
I successfully fell asleep around 4am. Sweet, sweet slumber... until about 8 when the sun decided to show up. Nevermind, nevermind... go back to speep... dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, drilling, drilling... WAIT WHAT? Drilling, drilling, fuck, fuck, fuck, what time is it??? oh fuck you and your fucking drill how do you even have a house... noo, I don't want to wake up I was supposed to sleep in, I am working today till 1 again, noooooo, shut up, stahp, I hate you and your endless DIYs... UGH. Fine. Cold. cofFEE, WHERE IS THE COFFEE?? Fuck it's Saturday. I put on the closest t-shirt, great, it's the cafe's merch, ah carp I hate it here... oh there goes the sudden burst of tears, great, great, perfect, my coffee isn't done but I ALREADY AM. What do you mean I've been awake for two and a half hours and have to leave in an hour?? I can't handle this... how sick do I have to be to skip today's shift?? No, no, I am working it, remember how low your last salary was?? And I had to work today cuz I messed up my counting so I moved my shift that coincided with the wedding I can't skip it. Gods, I'm going to get fired... No, no, I do a great job and they need staff, it'll be fine. Why doesn't mental health count as a sick day... well it does count as a sick day if you ask for it but I literally can't afford it I would be homeless... Ah great, we're back at dwelling on the capitalistic nightmare prison that we live in, great. Perfect. ARGH. I have to get my medication, so I have to leave half an hour earlier, *cries internally*, alright it's going to be fine, just breathe, there's sun out today! Fuck, it's -1 degrees. Never mind, still, sun, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN CLOSED ARE YOU CRAZY I NEED MY MEDICATION??? Ah crap I'll have to get up early tomorrow, great I'll start the semester just right -- sleep deprived and on the edge of a mental breakdown... FIne whatever, I'll get it tomorrow morning it'll be fine. Oh okay I guess I'll be early for work. Ah nice, Selroti is here, nice, they're super sweet. Nice five minute catch up. The whole cafe is on fire jeezus christ why don't you people have homes?? my entire body is screaming at me in pain after TWO HOURS WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONLY TWO HOURS HAVE PASSED????? I can't, nope, I shan't, I refuse, I will cry and scream get me OUT OF HERE I CAN"T HANDLE THIS WHY DID YOU STICK ME IN THE KITCHEN I HATE THIS I WANT TO BE HOME I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN... wait, wait, wait -- how much pain am I supposed to endure while at work? do I have to be absolutely fucking incapacitated? Injured beyond a bandaid?? Throw up in front of everyone, or faint???? ARE THEY PAYING ME ENOUGH FOR ME TO STICK AROUND WHILE I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN????? FUCK NO THEY ARE NOT!
"I DON'T FEEL GOOD, I WANT TO LEAVE". Two hours later I was out. Instead of doing an 8 hour shift I did 6. Barely. A coworker tried to guilt trip/shame/pressure me into staying. Ah, how about no. I came home around midnight and here I am writing my blog about the day I had. Horrible. Did not enjoy it. Remember, no job is worth causing yourself pain. More than you have to. Any kind of pain. Especially if you're a burnt-out neurodivergent potato. Fuck 'em.
Thank the gods I got my medication prescription. I am doing significantly better today than the last week combined. I cleaned the kitchen, did a load in the dishwasher, organises and cleared my reading corner, and went on a long ass research rabbit hole. Guess who’s staring a new Instagram account. Me. That’s who.
I went to work after all these great things. It was alright, I got a dude swing and hit the beers I was bringing the table and naturally I got half of that pint on me. Another dude tried hitting on me. Imagine this, I am bussing with my basket, get to a table and point to the empty bottles at the other end “could I steal those?”
“You can… you can steal my heart and my wallet, too” laughs are shared by his companions, while I just smile awkwardly.
“I think she’s just interested in your wallet”, one of the drunker dudes says
“Hah…” and I moved on to the next table without making eye contact.
Then I almost had a full blown meltdown at the end of my shift because I was ridiculously tired (still am) but one of my colleagues just stopped by to get a drink and was telling me that we are doing things differently now so I had to do extra ten minutes of work. By that I mean lugging all the heavy shit up stairs. And my fingers got caught between two cases of beer. So, naturally, I swore loudly and felt my sanity slip and my vision blur. I held it together, though, even if it was by a tiny bit. I’ve been suddenly bursting into tears for the last week or two, so I had to fight those off, too. Again, I succeeded. But what was the point?
I’m on the train home now. Love is picking me up from the station, as always. For the first time in a while, I am actually excited to wake up tomorrow. That means more research time. Heh.
Today has been the same as the previous days. I didn't have work. I do have work tomorrow and Saturday, though. It'll be fine. It's not great but it's also not the end of the world. There was a glimmer of hope today. I got a response back from the hospital "ok". I got my prescription. I still have to find a new psychiatrist. That will be a struggle. Blergh. It'll get better, I think.
I’ve been feeling like absolute garbage, all day, every day, and I’m really sorry I didn’t keep writing every day. It’s been very difficult to do anything. Nothing is fun. I’m trying to fight through it and spark some inspiration or at least a dopamine hit but nothing has been working so far. My psychiatrist is apparently a horrible professional as I found a shit ton of people having the same issues as me. I can’t contact anyone at that stupid hospital. THEY HAVE A SECRETARY. So I’m off my meds. I ran out (almost). But I decided to stop them while I have two left, to give myself some semblance of control over this shit storm. I’ll go and try to find something fun to buy. Yes, not even shopping gets me excited.
The shift I had today was four hours. It felt like 8, at least. But why? It was busy. It's always busy... No, no. here was an actual journalist with a cameraman busy. I am serious. No, I ain't shitting. It's a game festival, and the coffee shop being what it is (board games, board games everywhere) it meant that today, tomorrow, and Sunday will be this absolute nightmare all over again. My coworkers also smelled the extra stupid in the air today. I exclaimed "I want to shoot myself" in the kitchen and a coworker having bearly heard me over the fryer ventilation asked "do you need a gun for yourself or the clients?? because I'm just about to kick everyone out". It wasn't just me. Today just sucked. I needed double the normal amount of painkillers for the headache I got in under three hours of being in there. Jeezus freaking Christ. Never mind that, I feel better now, I'm home. Before that tho. I was once again... Oh wait a lil backstory -- I'm a human-shaped emotional dumping ground. People just trust me, with everything, all the time, they gravitate towards me like moths to a freaking flame it's uncanny. It's happened all of my life, but people just dump their deepest, darkest secrets/emotional baggage on me. It is just how it is. Now, if I was a spy, that would have been useful. If I was emotionally stable and responsible, that would have been great. But
[Jake Peralta gif saying I'm uncomfortable with emotions]. And I am uncomfortable with MY OWN LET ALONE ANYBODY ELSE'S. I am just now learning to accept my own emotions, so others being emotional around me is an absolute nightmare. Never, ever, do I feel more like an alien than when someone is expressing genuine emotion that I do not share in feeling at the same time. I am awkward as fuck. I try hiding it as well as I can, and it usually works well enough, but jeez Louise this is uncomfortable. This is why we need to teach consent in ALL situations, not just sexy times. And I mean in EVERY case -- "hey, I need to vent about my day, do you have the energy?", a door is open but the room belongs to someone else *KNOCK, KNOCK* "can I come in?". Shit like that you know. I just experienced four hours of non-consensual socialising because it's part of my job, man. I need at least a Warning before you spill such heavy emotional stuff on me. And I am talking about heavy loss in one's life type of thing. Not random bitching about traffic or the weather. I have worked with you 5 times previously, and yes, you are very nice, but gods I barely remember your name...
*sigh*
Is this a regular introvert thing or is this a neurospicy thing? I don't really have well-adjusted extroverts in my life. I need to go to bed it's getting late. And I need a shower first.
So today was another scheduled chill day. The difference came half an hour ago when the decisive anxiety about tomorrow’s work day settled into my chest. I hate it. Why do I have to be like this? Can’t I just enjoy the next 18 hours of freedom and not have to be in a horrible mood over something super freaking trivial like going to work?? Can’t I just freely enjoy the things I enjoy and not worry about things that will be fine?? Why do I have such issues with spending my time in a way that I did not choose myself?? There are plenty of people who don’t give a fudge about how they spend their time and that they didn’t have creative rights to choose, why is it such a problem for me? Am I going to find a job that doesn’t make me feel like I want to die or is it going to continue like this for the rest of my life?? Am I just refusing to grow up? Does the feeling of defiance and desire for freedom just pipe down at some point or am I just going to continue being an inconvenience to myself?? Asking for a friend. It really feels inescapable and inevitable and hopeless. Don’t tell me to change my view on it. There is no way that you can spin serving drinks to rude people as a positive contribution to my existence. I am not a people person, never have been. Not a physical person either. Fuck sweating and lifting heavy shit. I’m barely 5’1 and I have the muscle strength of a wet noodle. My back is fucked from bad posture and endless hours reading, being online, and arts and crafts. FUCK PHYSICAL EFFORTS. I hate how I immediately, unintentionally mask every time I set foot in the building. I didn’t know what it was called but now I’m painfully aware of it. It’s a borderline manic state of being hyper-aware and energetic and smiley and helpful and responsive and FUCK IT. I HATE IT. I want to be removed from society. I don’t want to participate. Stick me in a house on the edge of a village and I’ll be good. All I need is my paramour, a couple cats, chickens, a goat, and a garden. Internet. I would like to have internet, too. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Not only is the fact that I have to work for the next two days ruining My night it’s ruining My Love’s night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Existing is exhausting. How are daily blogs supposed to contain all of the weird network of issues that are in my head? This job is better than my previous one. Less heavy lifting. Less soul-sucking leeches. How am I swinging so violently from good to bad and back again? This is exhausting?? Could I get insured against myself?? I feel like my brain owes me for emotional damages…
I will go shower and probably will feel better. I didn’t fix the wig. Just wasted my day scrolling. WHY DO I FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT DOING AN OPTIONAL THING ON MY OFF DAY??? I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHING FOR TWO DAYS WHY DO I FEEL BAD STAHP YOU SILLY GOOSE!!!
Yes, I am aware I skipped yesterday. It was intentional. Paramour and I had a pretty heavy grown up convo topic last night and I felt I had nothing else to spill. I also wanted to get laid and go to bed at the same time for cuddle purposes. Some things are more important. But yesterday wasn’t bad at all. I did f*ck all till it was time for work. I was nervous about it since the shift I had before that one was just full of accidents and obnoxious horrible people. But yesterday went great. I played a 2000s hit songs playlist and basically filled the bar with super positive vibes. Then I came home and had dinner. Then paramour and I got very serious and open and honest about our insecurities and shared some of the notable things from the past months. Lover got an unsolicited nude right after rejecting the person. Desperate person. Horrible. I hated it. But even though it was an uncomfortable conversation, it was a mutually validating experience and we both felt better. Also, the bang after was Spectacular.
Day 10
About today… I GOT SWITCHED TO THE COURSE I WANTED!!! I had to call the administration but the person who answered was very polite and helpful. Yey, I got in the MEDIA COURSE!!!! WOOOO!!!! Also, I chilled. Hard. It was awesome. I will fix the second wig I got tomorrow heh. I will be so hot at that wedding. My head is pretty empty today. It’s a nice feeling.
Lesson from today’s blog:
Talk about real stuff even if it makes you uncomfortable. You will feel better after. I still struggle with it a lot and fidget and joke during particularly tense moments but I’m getting better with accepting and sharing my thoughts and feelings. Part of that is because my thoughts and feelings weren’t validated as a kid and teen. Bummer, but it happens to a lot of people. I am a grown ass person now so it’s my responsibility to learn to validate myself even if it is a little later than most.
So, hello. I am here to write about my day again. My day has been filled with planning for the month of February. By that, I mean trying to manage the insane workload I will have for the month. I'm not crying, you're crying. So, the workshops we have amount to 50 hours a week for six consecutive weeks. Add +/-12 hours of work every week and a 2-hour commute for each shift and you'll get close to the amount of stress I was going through today. I used (https://www.omnicalculator.com/everyday-life/time) to help me calculate the time because math is hard for my squishy brain. I will be doing 61 hours of work + physical school time every week. That's without counting the one-two hour of prep FOR those school hours. Where do I unsubscribe?
On a different note, my back still hurts! My movement is better than yesterday but I'm still in pain. I have work tomorrow. I am giving up on finding something positive to say in today's blog. Everything sucks. I'll go shower.
