G, MS. TAR!
It’s a quarter months back there, where I was left down on the endless void, with lingering pain and a stream of tears. It was like stars were dying and so was the galaxy and that eveything was on its desolation with a little light to see. And even the man who brought me there, caugh me off guard and left. Not even the letter worth of thousand words that i wrote was enough to entirely express how much I have loved that guy, and how much I was profoundly hurt. And as nothing stays the same, and as we cannot stay on something wrecked, we all have to move forward. So I did.
As we try to go and find our way back, we inevitably find and meet people along the way. And these are stories of how my ripped heart, (even i tried and isolated it from everything) got stirred up once again.
5 days after.. I was still on my feet. It has been nth sleepless nights and I have been crying since. Coincidentally, It was also the week of my exams and I have just spending my days lying around my bed, being emotionally dramatic. I was having failing grades, and I was pretty down on the dump that I cant even put myself together. It was the pain that I cant withstand I was so lost that I dont know what to do or where to go. I was crying this one lonely night and I didnt know what I was doing so i just end up calling, Gray. Surprisingly, he called me right after I texted. “Stay right there. Wait for me. I’ll be there in an hour and half. Hold yourself together” He said. And so I did. From Laguna to Manila and from manila to laguna, he fetched me and he brought be back in our home place. My relatives didnt know I was going home and shouldn’t find out that I was on a very late night (cause they would just scold me for that) So I stayed at Gray’s. We bought alcohol. Sat down outside their house. He was just staring at me. I havent talked much since we were on our ride home and even until we got there. Gray and I have a past. We ended for certain known and unknown reasons. It has been years. Was it weird at all, to actually call your ex so you could vent out about this other ex? I grabbed the bottle, poured it in the drinking glass and then I started drinking. It was my second time in my entire life to drink ((and how funny it is, that I was drinking with the guy who I was trying to get over with when I had my first drink ever))
One. Two. Three shots. He then asked me what happened. I started talking.I told him about the problems and I said I have found out something and that something lead to a fight.
Four. Five. Six. “How could anyone, tell someone so many times they love them and made promises out of the stars and and then suddenly, leave you, right in the moment where things just started to go wrong?” I said.
Seven. Eight. Nine.
I started to feel so heavy and dizzy all mixed around. It’s like everytime I move, my body goes heavily with it.
Ten. Eleven...
I was whining and blaming myself for everything. I never wanted to lose my ex even if he may have done something wrong. It felt like I was the worthless person I could ever be. Gray then asked me to go with him and said we were goin somewhere. We rode his electric bike. I was on his back. We drove fast, dashing through the empty highway. I felt the breeze of the cold air. And then we then find ourselves on an open field, near the church. He said I should ask God, for answers. He have said a lot of things and made me realize my worth. That I am more than what I think am and that it would be so stupid to let go someone so good and selfless. After his preach, He also talked to me about his life. How was his studies were goin. How he was at that time, were in love with his guy best friend. My head is really starting to spin around. We were sitting on the electic bike. I hugged him from the back and rested my head on the back of his shoulders. He was talking to me. Im more than what i think i am, I deserve more than this. He said. And then, we look up at the sky and watched how beatiful the stars were. I think it’s cute and sweet, sitting there and stargazing, leaning on his back, with him.
Few days after that night. I was in Manila. He asked me out to eat dinner and then I said alright.From Cavite (where his school was), He had roughly 3 hours of time travel, just to go and see me. We did catch up and talk and he ensured that I was feeling okay. He even paid for our dinner. Im not really used to being treated as a girl, so, I kindly offered to accompany him at least until to the bus terminal. We did take the train transit first. We were on the station then, and i started to feel blue. I look over the numerous people on the platform, and how the station looks like; the old railings, the hanging flatscreen television, and suddenly, emotions began to reel in. My eyes were teary, holding it, trying not to burst in front of those crowd. But I was weak. One droplet dropped from the corner of my eye. And then it was too late. I cant no longer stop. Gray had noticed it and asked me what was the problem.
“I used to accompany him home and we’d go and ride the train transit together”. I told him
Right off guard, I was facing him and he hugged me. He told me to not to cry and everything’s going to be okay. And he was like trying to cover my face. Maybe so the crowd wouldn’t notice.I felt so safe that moment. And I just cry around his warm arms.
A week after, He called. he said he was having this problem with his best friend. He asked me to go out on some unusual place. I was free so I went back to Laguna. I was surprised when he actually brought me to a bar. TO. A. BAR. I haven’t, in my entire 18 years of existence, got myself into a bar. Thinking the fact that G was having a rough time and I need to be there for him, and on the other hand, I was also going through on something, so why the hell not. A little bit nervous I was, but I went with the flow. Everything was awkward for me at first like everyone’s talking to one another, table for table and know one knows me there and I dont even know them. I was just sitting there on the table with him, trying to be casual, thinking of those bar scenes on movies and trying and acting what they usually do there. He never talked about what were his problems.There was a cute guy on our table who kept on giving me shots and there was also a stranger who hugged me from behind with no apparent reason. The night went okay. I crashed at G’s house. I was a little drunk but he was way more.We were reting on his bed when all of the sudden, he went near me. He held my chin. Slowly, he kissed me in the lips. I didn’t kiss back. “how about your bestfriend?” I asked.
He said he was done with him. That everything between them was over and there’s nothing I should worry about. He then kissed me again. I was not trying. I just let him. but all my thoughts in my head kept saying if it was right, if it is something intimate and with a meaning. and if he was kissing me, does it mean that he loves me again or just the fact that he was drunk. And when things were starting to get heat up, I didn’t doubt to cease what was happening. I pushed him back and I told him that we should rest. I insisted. We lay down on the bed. Side to side. He hugged me and I let it till we slept that night.
After that, I think, for what I thought, we tried to work things out again for weeks. We were on the phone. Texting and calling. We sometimes went out for food and you’d always treat me. We had plans together. We even planned to go to Baguio. It was our gateaway, to go and run from the problems we were having and just relax and forget everything from there on. He promised me that we would go. And on the day before we were supposed to go, He canceled the plans. He said he and his bestfriend had a conflict, he was not in the mood and that we’d just rescheduled. So, i put my hopes up there.
Weeks had passed, he was talking to me less. I didn’t mind at the time for maybe he was just busy at school or something. Then I felt something was wrong when he suddenly again, a day before on our supposed to be getaway, cancelled it. He told me he doesn’t want to go there anymore and that we’d just go somewhere else. somewhere much better. I was down and dissapointed and all, because I was really looking forward to that trip and I was hype for weeks about that and he just cancelled it.
Day after day, he was starting to talk less. Drifting like how the wind blows the leaves on autumn. It was not too long until he finally stopped talking to me. There were no more texts and calls. Nothing like a ghost. And then I realized, we haven’t seen each other for more than a year and here we were, intervened with our lives, tried to search the old “us”” and unexpectedly find ourselves seeing the old exact scenario of why we have broke up years ago.
I have always thought, He was the one. He had always made me feel special like a girl being spoiled and treaten noteworthy. It was not the first to actually work things out again, over the years,he tried. We tried. but he have always dawdled away without saying anything.
It hurt. He just cant go in and out of my life anytime he feel like to. He’s like a burgler who keeps stealing my heart and end up leaving it away back where he took it. I thought maybe it was finally the time, to actually close the door and lock it. So there would be no more purloin. And I did. No more false hopes. No more chances. No more trying to continue what has stopped and had ended in the past. It was the decision I made.
Either way, He never even bothered messaging me again.
29 days after... I was bored. I was trying to move on and it was the start of our summer.
This friend of my ex, that I would namely called Maj, was consistently texting and messaging me right after he found out that me and my ex broke up, more of it like he was trying to be friends with me. I was muddled, trying to figure out why. That to be honest, he was one of those guys I got jealous of when my ex and I used to be together and I used to be mad at him. We were never close but I went on with the flow.
He would always ask me how I was going, how was school. We had a quite common interests. We would talk about books that we have read, about the movies we have watched, about the series we have seen especially our all time favorite, How I Met Your Mother. We would argue then about the characters and the devastating ending, sharing and contradicting of each opinions, and that how he’s more of a flirty kind of guy like barney and that im more of a chasing love like Ted. I had this fleeting happy feeling. It was quite rare for me to find people who’s into HIMYM too. and I have always told myself, If ever , I would like to date someone who have liked the series (that’s the freakin dream, yo). Although, I have already pressumed that it won’t go any farther than what we were already were. He told me, already like somebody else. We did became friends (thank God, himym). and Maj talked more about this guy, how he likes this one and how Maj is so willing to do anything for him.
Maj was so nice and humble like the kind of person who you would not think that would hurt anyone nor do any crazy stuff. It was some thought I held on until this one rainy afternoon. We were talking about our past till such time we went on an unusual topic topic, something more sexual. It was not too long when suddenly, he ask me for my nudes. He wanted for us to both exchange. I have never, in my life, have sent someone a naked picture of me.
He insisted. I was tempted. I did everything to keep us away from doing that. And I realized it was too late, for that everytime he was horny, he would ask for a picture, he would want to sexts, he would want me to help him with his pleasure.
No. I never wanted these things.
I have also met this other guy.
Since I practically have nothing else to do during the break, I tried to install Tinder. Swiped to the left, swiped to the right. I had a lot of matches, unexpectedly. Few days of swiping and chatting, nothing came out of interesting until I have met this guy. (naming him as Shar).
Shar is the kind of guy that people would typically like. He’s pretty handsome, having the qualities of a chinito guy. He’s an athlete. He’s tall. He’s taking a science degree course. (what else could u ever dream of?) So I took my chances talking to this guy.
It was quite unanticipated for him to actually be so approachable and open. We would talk about school, how our lives were goin, how my heart got ripped wide open the past few months. Then, he would be extremly sweet. He complimented me a lot. He’d tell me jokes and banat lines till past hour after midnight. He’d even sent me a video of him, sending me a kiss. Even for a few nights there, I got attached. Although, I am not really sure of, in the short span of time, he was like that already.
It was quite surprising that one night, he asked me if we could go for sexts over the phone. I was stoked like was he flirting me for this? With all honesty, I couldn’t help myself...
After that night, he was solemly talking to me. and I knew it. It was nothing but lust. and I found out, he has alreay a boyfriend and they have been together for two months that time and gahd I can’t accept the fact that I got involved on his cheating. If i knew, I totally wouldn’t make any move or wouldn’t let him be sweet talking to me. His boyfriend doesn’t know, and how i really wish I could go back in time and never initiated a conversation with Shar like ever.
I stopped talking to both of them.
I admit that I was sexually driven by my hormones on the past months since late last year, more of like it was so hard to control. It was like wanting these sexual stuff but I have never really want it. It’s a torn battle between my sober mind and hormones. I put all the blame to puberty but with what was happening, i look at myself, and see how filthy and low I am. They hit on me not because they like me nor they see me as I am but something just to take a pleasure out of me. People go and play around with my feelings and leave, assuming because they see me as a toy. But I have never thought they’d see me as a sex toy too??? Im not looking for this. It’s kinda degrading thinking they see me as a leisure of pleasure time. Nothing more.
Do i simply look like just anybody’s past time? :(
From there, I started, to never ever talk about sexual things with someone.
39 days after... It’s been completely over a month and a lot of things had happened. I realized I was no longer thinking about my ex. I was no longer crying. I was having sleeps at night with no more nightmares hunting me. I thought I was already fine.
I was browsing my drafts, scrolling down briskly and I accidentaly saw our pictures over the months we have been together. All emotions went back through my veins, right thru the heart. It was not the love I used to have. It was more of a pain, pain brought back by the ghosts and memories. It was hard to contain. I could really be such a dramatic ass, and I usually would just vent it out. So I took my guitar, downloaded a recording app, studied the chords, and there, I decided to make a cover of Taylor Swift’s All too well and it says it all.
Few nights after, I was able to finished it and I posted it on tumblr. And to my surprise, people listened to it. Numerous liked the post and left comments. Some were my friends and some were followers that I really dont know personally. I cant understand for a reason why cause first, I really am not much of a singer, and lastly, the way I played the guitar wasn’t good at all. They said they liked it. (Idk how much of that is true). They were complimenting me, and one among those people that made really a diffference was Tim.
Tim and I had known each other for a month through tumblr asks and such. That night, He messaged me and we were talking on facebook. He told me that I have a great voice, which for the nth times I still would not believe. He praised me for reaching the hight note on the bridge part of the song. He said All too well is his most favorite song and damn, was it not destiny? that it is also my favorite song too among everything. Then I have found out that he’s also a fan! I cant explain how much it turns me on when a guy is also an admirer and really finds taylor swift interesting. It’s like we have a connection. like we both see the reason why her music is good. Not because of her voice, or her popularity, but because of how she writes her songs and how lyrical and poetic they are. Next thing, we were talking about more about her. It was the start where Tim and I became close.
Tim is funny. He’s the type of guy who would always throw jokes and puns and there wasn’t a day we talked that he didn’t. I would always try to keep up with him, out joking him in a way but he’d always have more. He’s the king of the jokes! lol. Pretty much, witty people would always be my weakness.
He told me about his life and past. I see myself at him. He has been through a lot. He got his heart broken so many times. He have always loved too much. He believes that there’s good in every people’s heart and that what is love if we wouldn’t be selfless at all. We share the same perspective in life. It’s like we see things the same.
Given that he’s funny and the way he looks at life, I could not help it but to actually get attached. I mean really, who wouldn’t?
We talked everynight. Usually, just about jokes. When he sent me a voice message, gosh I was surprsied how manly his voice was. He would just tease me then how I sometimes failed to come up with a joke. And this one night, he told me he made his own cover of All too well and let me listen to it first. My initial reaction was instantly astound. His voice was so beautiful and he was like an expert on playing the guitar. Anyone would probably fall in love with the way he sings. He even asked me that if he was in manila, we should hangout and make a cover together. He would teach me, and let me the lead. I was like having a blissful moment for myself with how he is so perfect. It made me came to a thought that even for a just a few days, Im starting to have feelings for him and that I really want to date this guy so much. I would sometimes think and daydream that what if we were dating, what would it be like to have someone like him? Sadly, It was not too long until these fantasies and feelings shattered by reaility.
One night, I was scrolling on my dashboard and I saw his post. It was about that he was having a problem on a particular matter and he was sad. I asked him what’s wrong and thatI would like to help. And his reply was one of the things no one would want to hear from someone you like.
“May problema kami ng mahal ko”
and there it goes, my heart shattered like a fragile glass. He was already dating somebody else. I did not know that. I never asked. I actually dont ask people that.
He was nice and endearing but who would have thought, that the guy you think was the ideal match for you, was already reserved for someone else? From there the first time i felt, the pain of having a conversation with someone you really like yet he’s talking about somebody else and not you. He’s talking about somebody he likes and i was there, pretending that i was happy for him, advicing him for the guy he was dating, shipping and being supportive but gahd idk how many laughs i have typed so it wouldn’t be too obvious that i was jealous and I was dying from the inside. From the back of my mind, i wish i was that guy. I wish I was the one he likes. I wish i was the one who’s making him smile. I wish i was that special to him too. So much for the plans and daydreams of us. So much for the bliss I had. So much for my assuming of possibilty of being together.
I know he’s already for somebody else. I would not steal anyone from someone. I backed off. I never hit on him. I never flirted. Door closed. and I stayed remain as his friend.
He’s happy now and I am glad. That was it, over before something ever started.
50 days after.. I dont know what was going on with me. I know I have move on from the past, that I dont even think even a single memory that would remind me of my ex but I have this certain kind of thirst, this thirst for love that somehow I would want someone to fill this big whole in my chest not as if i feel pain or any, it’s that there’s a space gone and I feel so empty within.
So I asked Maj that maybe he knows someone he could refer to me. (and i talked to him again just because about this particular matter). He told me just to go at his profile and then look there for someone. And then I found Ace’s facebook page.
From the moment I saw Ace’s pcture, I had instantly crush on him. I followed him on his social media accounts and even on tumblr (where it is supposed to be a secret blog from people). I find him really cute. Thinking that we would be such a perfect match for each other knowingly that we are on the same height and on the same body size. So I took the courage, and messaged him on twitter. It was scary tho at first because I was not really used to starting a conversation with someone I have a crush on adding the fact that he doesn’t even know me.
On the first few nights, We had fine talks. I was asking him a lot of things and he was asking me too. And for every talks we had, I always carefully check my words or of what Im going to stay because I really didn’t want to screw this up. Somehow I already wanted for it to work out with him.
And every weekend, Ace was always out of town. He have this dance thing ( rehearsals and competetion) and the whole dance troop goes somewhere far, and I have invariably left messages for him. In the morning, afternoon and at night. Always wishing him goodluck and reminding him never to forget to eat. Even as if I end up getting seen or with few replies, It was surprisingly fine with me. And afterwards, we’d go back to our usual habit. chatting and talking thru voice mails. I would always stalk his accounts. (And it is where you would really know if i really like somoeone, when I stalk them.)
I know for a fact that it hasn’t been really that long and that Ace and I were not yet that close at the moment, it was quite astonishing when he have actually shared me a lot of personal things about his life. The first phone call we ever had, we have talked about his past. He have told me about his HS days, about how he was bullied by how he looks and how tough things he had been through. I have found out that he and Meh have shared a past, that M was his first love. Overall, it was just all about Meh. He told me how he foolishly loved him and that he stayed for a long time as a second choice. He was talking mostly on our talk and I was just there responding, reacting at times. But I was just there, listening to him. I love his voice. It’s like a tiny voice of a man, more of a kid and that somehow you can tell that the person who’s talking is cute (lol). Really hard to expound, but i find it so adorable. So i end up listening for hours. Im not really much of a talker (knowingly that no one actually listens to the things I say), I just love hearing them talking about stories and so I choose it to be that way.
He told me he hates corny jokes and that it really turns him off. I was just astound that there are actual people who gets turn off by that. I mean really? But that little fact didn’t stop me. You see, I am not really that witty kind of guy and i rarely make jest but believe it or not, I effortly prepared jokes, puns and stories for him (and It was the first I have done it for someone). Some were that i have got from my friends. some were carefully made up by me. And then so I gave my best on pulling them off. On the first few throws, I did not know exactly if he was laughing and somehow, he was just sending me facepalm emoji’s instead. Some part of me was scared that maybe I really suck and that he might start to dislike me. But on the very last joke, he sent a voice mail for a reply and there he was, giggling. a voice that sounds like a kid, laughing in a way like that. It’s just too cute. Overall, it was like a mission success. On the other hand, im quite thinking, Am I really that pretentious?
We’d talk for hours and such. Chat and calls and I would always screencap those cute and blissful convos we had (and it has been usual hobby of me to do). But it was quite confusing for me that for a time, we were having fun and the next second, he was straying away. It took hours for him before he could reply and sometimes I dont even get one. And on following days, then he would talk to me again like before but inconsistently. And the cycle goes on. I was sad actually, when it was the day of my birthday and I was waiting for him to greet me. All day I waited, but he never did. He greeted me 3 days after, when I iuploaded pictures from my celebration at our house. He have always reminded me indirectly that he was not good at showing nor telling of what he really feels, that he doesn’t want to be the one to make the first move, that he could really be cold and plain yet he pretty much like the person. I have always wondered that if at a certain point, have he ever liked me then. But, I took my chances.
After a month, I have finally got the chance to asked Ace out and trust me, it was unexpectedly unplanned. We were in the middle of a conversation about new movies on the cinema and I suddenly bring up Pitch Perfect 2. He said he badly wants to see it yet he doesn’t have anyone to accompany him. From there, I took the courage to finally say, I’ll take him out. He was stoke and nervous at the same time and I could really feel it the way he chat. He’s the kind of guy who’s not really used to being with someone together alone and that just made him conscious about himself. He then suddenly kept saying that he’s ugly at the moment because he got so tanned when they had their outing. and other things that would make me say no. In despite of everything, I insisted. On the day of our date, I gave him my number incase of contact and we were supposed to meet at the time of my class dismissal around 3pm. I could really be excited and nervous on dates and he hasn’t texted me yet and i was minutes before 3, so while on class, I checked his twitter to know if maybe he had tweeted about thoughts on this day. I was shocked when I find out that he was already in Mega Mall AND he posted a selfie on the bowling alley and a picture of two tickets to the ice skating rink. TWO TICKETS. It was then I assumed he was already hanging out with someone else that day. I cant help it but to feel really shitty and jealous. Like i mean, hey, aren’t we supposed to go out today? y the hell r u with sum1 else???. I opened my facebook and he pmed me, asking if we were still goin.
“Hindi na, may kasama kana. Enjoy nalang” I said.
he was like huh, and asking if I was jealous or something. That moment I swear, I just want to shut him up. Why the hell would someone ask such thing. And gahd I waited an hour for his replies. He said he was just with his friend and he asked again if we would still go. I was just telling him that it’s up to him. He then cancelled it and that we would go out on some other day. On my way to my dormitory, I was sad. I got excited and was really looking forward to be honest. When he got home, he said sorry. He repeatedly said that he was with his friend. And he was with a girl. He even sent me the pictures to show as proof. I never said I was mad or jealous but it feel so ensuring and cute for him to actually do that.
Few days after, Ace told me he’d be attending his summer class the next day. (Our date was still on postpone) He even asked if i could drop by and jokes if i could him bring some food. He told me he could go out of the room anytime. Well, being such a Ted Mosby, of course I said yes. I told him that I was going after my class and that I’d treat him a snack at least. The following day, I went straight there right thru my dismissal. When I got there, he was not outside of tech training center so I messaged him saying that I’m just outside the front door and he should come out. There was no response. Me being such a conscious guy and I dont want to look like a stalker and in being such deep luck since the center is just inside the mall, I decided to stroll around for a while. I walked around, went to a few shops, noticed every people on the floor, watched the employees of this particular spa salon playing Clash of Clans outside their shop, went back and forth to the entrance, roamed around the current floor on a loop. For an whole hour and a half, that was then I have finally received a reply. He said he doesnt want to go out and he won’t believe that I was just actually outside. He thought maybe I was just joking. I sent pictures of how the center looks like, and also a picture of this guy who just came out of the door (who turned out to be his classmate), He just can’t imagine that I was actually serious about going for him and the conversation was fun at first but this went on for another hour. It takes quite a while before he could reply. He keeps telling me that he’s ugly for how he got tanned and h doesnt want me to see him and that I should head home. I told him it doesn’t matter and that I just want to hang out. I insisted but I stopped when finally he said.
“Sorry, Brian. Pero ayaw ko talaga...” It was like someone stabbed me right thru the heart. It felt like everything around me was on mute. I was walking on my way outside the mall. All I can hear was my heart, pounding, screaming, trying to get out of my chest. I seem to not understand that for a moment I thought he’d want me to go and I went, waited and stayed for hours. Exorted effort that all I got was a simple no that precisely hit me hard. From there I thought, clearly he doesnt like me. He doesn’t want me. When I got home, I laid down on my bed. Can’t help my eyes to be teary and so. You know me, I could really be such dramatic and over thinker. I let all my emotions until I fell asleep, with my pillow all around my arms.
I woke up 2 hours later, with few messages on my phone. It was from Ace. He said he was sorry, telling me that I should stop being mad and sad. He pointed out that he would make up for it big time. It was the very first time i felt his sincerity. I replied exclaiming that it was not his fault but mine because I was the one who insisted to stay and wait, that I made complete fool of myself. my message was ‘seen’ by him. He was online but he was not replying. I started overthinking. It made me mad. but quite a few minutes after, he sent me a 1 min full voice message. When I played it, all of those feels I was having, the anger, sadness and pain, all went away in an instant. He was singing a song. An apologetic song. More about telling he was regretting what he has done. ((and gahd, idk of you guys, but a certain someone singing you a song, saying sorry, that’s the dream!!)). I played it again and again. His voice was sublime. From there on, all my emotions were swayed. That time I felt , he likes me. I was pleased. “This might be the start” i have told myself. but that happy thought did not last. It was nothing more unreal...
Subsequently few convos had passed on the same night, Ace started doing again this. One second were okay and next, he was taking hrs before he could reply yet he was online. Mostly, he would respond plain and dull like as if he doesn’t feel talking to me at all. If he was doing something, he could have told me. It’s confusing and It was driving me crazy of why he was taking so long and sometimes he would no longer respond and it’s like he was leaving me in mid air. I tried to keep my patience, tried to understand. I have never asked him. I have never bring up anything that I found so odd and unusual. This went on for another whole week until such time came when he finally, stopped seeing my messages.
I cant deny the fact that I was hurt deep inside. I like him, I really do. I like his voice. I like how he giggles. I like how he talks about a lot of things over the phone. I like how simple he is I like how he made me feel everytime he sings for me. And it’s the matter of how he disregard me and how unappreciated I am completely means one thing; It’s not mutual. I have loved him in a way but I would not want to go and stay and recklessly risk anything again. Love has always been this way to me. From there I decided.
I stopped messaging him. I stopped stalking his social media accounts. I deleted all of those voice mails and screenshots of our convos I’ve saved. I stopped. I wish it was also that easy to ease the pain and feels.
I wish
89 days after..
Emotional roller coaster ride, and i was still alive. Sometimes I would cry late at night, not for the reason I was hurt by them but because I feel very shitty about myself. I would think that no one’s going to love me right because Im as worthless as a piece of crap, and it would be on a loop for hours on my mind. It’s usually how I spend my 3ams. With all the drama going on, I was venting it all out to my friend. His name is Rey.
Rey and I have been friends for quite a long time. Not to shallow, but not too close. He’s a friend of my ex too so he know what happened to us. He randomly messages me at times, asking me how i am and how was school, and we’d talk about certain things in life but I never got to know him well. Until recently, a week before my birthday, he started talking to me consistently.
He was always at first initiating our conversation. He’d send me good morning messages. He’d ask me how my day was. Nothing more than that. The usual friendly stuff. Most of the times, he could really be so witty. A seemingly simple topic could really turned to something we would laugh about. I would return the favor by doing the same and seems he would laugh at my not so funny lines and jokes.I dont know why but I guess he’s just quite supportive. One thing he always do is that he sends me random selfies. Selfies that were at the current moment. Some of those, he looked stressed. And then I would send back my own. It was entirely fun. On my birthday, he effortedly greeted me in a way he actually used one of those picture I have sent as a greeting post. That’s how we usually talk. so light and simple and carefree. It helped me a lot forgetting about my problems, really.
When I was going through about those heartaches, I talked about it with Rey. He told me a lot of great things that brought me back to my senses. He never had an experience in love, but he was good saying things of what he thinks of what should and what should not in his own perspective. And then there were times, when he had struggles with his school and he also (was i think) having an anxiety attack thinking he’s not good enough in school, that he’s not a great friend, that his life sucks, I cheered him up. I told him how awesome friend he is to me, How he was so good at what he does at art, how he’s so capable of so many things and that sometimes we just find bumps along the road but we’ll make it through. Sometimes, when I feel like I look ugly as fuck and that my self esteem back down the nudge, just because I was having pimples and I realizing im too skinny and small, he would enlighten me up. He would tell me that it’s normal to have pimples, that it’s human nature. That’s it’s okay that I’m small and skinny cause I could do a lot more in my life. I really admire him for that.
That’s how we were, we helped each other out. We shared our stories everyday. We even end up talking late at night even on our busy hell week days. Giving one another moral supports and there were times we’d just laugh about our problems, stress freeing ourselves. I remember that one 3am, we were doing so many school-related stuff, and we were chatting, checking each other’s progress. I even helped him at this one particular math problem that he was having a hard time solving, and he complimented me by that. And then on mornings, he would send morning messages and we’d wish ourselves goodluck. He would message me everytime he gets home. At night, we would basically talk about how our day went, and we’d laugh about something happened .When he’s going to eat, he would then remind me too. We’ve got to known each other well.
And you know me, give me constant attention, be caring sweet and funny, I’d be attached. I held myself back there and kept saying no,never ever fall in love with a friend. It’s a golden rule. But from him i felt that it’s okay to be just me. That it’s okay of how i look and he’d see my flaws as not. That it’s okay to have drama nights and be sad and he’d be there to listen. That’s it’s okay to fail cause it’s part of life, with him, i have never been feel that free and safe. I realized I was starting to have feelings, and it’s too late. Fuck the golden rule. I like him.
I started thinking of him everyday with so many what if’s. What if he likes me too? What if we could go beyond than friends? What if we go and date? Everyday. I would wait for his morning and evening messages. I would listen to his stories and school struggles. I would laught at his jokes. I would look and save the selfies he sends. It was a great feeling.
But I dont know if I am cursed in a way, that for everythime I’m happy, nothing good happens next. and it happened again.
When finally I decided that I would go for him, things had changed. We were both busy but he was a day near to his sembreak and I was not. Our usual thing, we’d still tackle about things that were goin with ourlives but it was the first time we didn’t. It was the first time he did not reply. But he’s there, online. I thought maybe, he’s busy that night. So the following day, I messaged him again. He replied with a one worded “Oy”. I ask him how he was but there was no reply. I pmed him the next day, still nothing. For days, he was online time to time but he chose not to seen my messages. He chose to stop talking. It freaked me out why on earth would he.
There I was, curling up on my bed, hugging my pillows around my arms. Another hearthache that I did not expect to have. I know it hasn’t been quite long, and I know a lot of things have not happened yet, but to be left there hanging, everytime, it hurts pretty bad. I wish I knew why he unexpectedly stopped talking to me. Why all of the sudden, I was no longer part of his world.
One whole week, I was peeling off, trying to shove away everything.
today, 117 days after. Summer’s about to end. I tried to be happy. Tried to be with my friends and pretend the past few months were okay. I ask myself everyday that why do people always leave me? Is it really me, Am I really that worthless, boring and doesnt deserve anybody’s love when all I wanted was to be love and be loved back, that in a way, to be happy with someone’s company.
I have always been selfless. I have always been willing to give everything to the people I love but everytime, I am always the one who’s left out. Alone, hurt on a corner of a dim lighted room, hoping that maybe someone would get met out. I keep on having this dream that maybe someday, someone’s gonna love me right. Someone who would see me behind those walls. Someone who would stay. I surrounded myself around the walls. Carefully, isolating myself out, scared that people would hurt me. But the actual truth, no one has ever breached in. No has ever see me through. They didn’t break the wall. I just let them in. I let them all in.
I kept on trying and believing but it keeps pointing and proving the contrary; No one will ever love me. Im small, skinny, gets sick all of the times, physically undesirable, overthinker, emotionally dramatic,. Im someone who’s worthless and nothing more. That’s all I ever gonna be to anybody. Never be the one. Never be the choice. Never be the guy worth fighting for. Never be someone’s priority. Never was and never will and it’s the sad reality that life has been constantly implying.
Love has always made me happy beyond than anything but I realized that everytime Im going to hope, going to fall, going to love, it also times where Im hurt and beat down the nudge.
I want to be happy.
