#1.19.20

[10dozendahliass]

*does my hair at 11pm right before bed*

[raicheu]

First loves will always stay in your heart no matter where you are, what you are doing, or who you are with. Here is a playlist compilation of music dedicated to that person.

1) First Love Never Die ー Soko

2) Young Lost Love ー Appleby

3) Soren ー Beabadoobee

4) You're The Reason ー Chris Wright

5) Cherry ー Harry Styles

6) Highway ー UMAGAT

7) The Moon Song ー Scarlett Johansson,

Joquin Phoneix

8) Ultimately ー Khai Dreams

9) Inside Of Love ー Nada Surf

10) Solo ー Samsa

11) Pluto ー Phum Viphurit

12) For The Fickle ー Reese Lansangan

[ener-chi]

Pththbbb

I’m tired lol. I’ve been doing so much and just been really on, and it’s been wearing on me. But I think the biggest thing is that I noticed that I’m out of balance; especially when it comes to sleep. I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow, and I’m really excited for it.

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately. One of the big ones is that I’ve been contemplating reality and the illusion of everything. We’re just starting to study Descartes in my philosophy 101 class, which is just a refresher for me because i’ve studied him before. But it has got me thinking. There are many parallels between Western Philosophy and Buddhist thought; this is one of them, but the Buddhists do it so much better. But at the same time... it’s not something that you can understand from studying. You have to truly understand, deep within, almost experience it. It’s not something I can force; I want to explore it, but I recognize that now isn’t the time. One day, perhaps.

I’ve also been thinking about what happened the other night. I went to a magic tournament. No, not magick - like Magic: The Gathering, the card game lol. Anyways I played and I was doing alright. I was on my 5th round, I had been there for 6 hours already and it was 1:30am. Anyways, I was playing this one guy, and not going into the technicalities but something was supposed to happen that didn’t and I didn’t notice it until the next turn... and I didn’t say anything. It left me at a slightly better advantage, and I won. I probably would’ve still won that game if I had gone back, but... I didn’t. So we went to game 3. I was clearly winning, and I was about to win... and I forfeited. I couldn’t do it. I just... kept thinking about how I lied and hurt someone else... and I felt absolutely terrible about it.

And here’s the other thing - is the guy I played was sooo nice. He was just super respectful the whole time, modest when he was winning, cool when he was losing. But he was just so... kind. It just like radiated from him. He was without a doubt a gentle soul, and one of the gentlest that I’ve seen. He’s so genuine and kind and it actually makes me cry... I cried after I got home that night, just overwhelmed by the love and kindness, and it makes me tear up now, even writing this. But why?? I still don’t understand why kindness fucks me up like it does, but it absolutely does. 

I told him that I was forfeiting because I was tired and wanted to go home, which is true... but I really did it because I'd rather lose than compromise my morals; then I would be the real loser. But he was very grateful, and we had a pleasant time. I think I might see him around at the shop. I want to be his friend. We’ll see what happens.

The other thing that’s been on my mind is... The Void. I’ve realized the other day that I’m actually scared of The Void, and that I’ve been avoiding it. So ever since I was 15, I knew of the Void; or at least that’s what I called it. I was a Nihilist, and there’s this idea of “confronting/embracing The Void” which is actually about your mortality, but it is a truth that looms over you.

When I first heard about The Void last week, I was confused because of my previous associations; I tried my best to see them as two different things. Well, now I think that the “new” Void and the “old” Void are actually one and the same. And that is why I am nervous... because I am once again face to face with The Void. I actually can feel it calling to me... and I’ve been avoiding it. Oh my god... “When The Void reaches out to you... don’t be afraid to respond.” Welp. I guess there’s my answer for that.

I’m actually going to be going to The Void tomorrow. I will also be cranking out a bunch of readings tomorrow as well, since I don’t have school. I only have a bunch left, they should all be done by the end of the week!

Anyways. That’s it for my ramblings, I just needed to write down my thoughts to clear my head. Time for some studying, and then off to bed.

Blessings!

[missinvisibleandco]

"Lazy Day"

(1.19.20)

[edo-vivendum]

Rant on stupid diet culture

I'm so tired of hearing about your keto diet. Unless your DOCTOR suggested it, then you really shouldn't be on a keto diet. Maybe if a dietitian suggested it. MAYBE.

Someone just told me they've been keto a year. Stop?????? It's not designed for long term use.

[etheredwhereness2]

I am soooo restless. I just want so much more. I want to do big things. Meaningful things. Loving things. I want novelty. I just get so easily lost without creative outlet, without being within stimulating experiences. I don't feel meant for stillness. But I also want to feel gratitude for all that already is. It's quite the predicament. It's difficult to navigate through it without my heart feeling heavy and hurting. I just want to change my life. And be afraid. And vulnerable. And have that be okay.

[elceeu2morrow]

One’s reflection… Louis Tomlinson seems to be missing 1D

LOUIS TOMLINSON ramps up his yearning for a One Direction reunion today by featuring a boy band in his new video. He even extends an olive branch to absconder Zayn as a full five silhouettes pose in the promo for his new album’s title track, Walls. Talking about a 1D reunion, the Back To You... View Article

by Andrei Harmsworth  Published January 19, 2020

LOUIS TOMLINSON ramps up his yearning for a One Direction reunion today by featuring a boy band in his new video.

He even extends an olive branch to absconder Zayn as a full five silhouettes pose in the promo for his new album’s title track, Walls.

Talking about a 1D reunion, the Back To You singer, 28, recently told Guilty Pleasures: ‘I am ready. I will be the first name on the team sheet.’

His debut album is out on January 31, and Louis hints it is packed with the emotions of the 1D split, fatherhood, reuniting with girlfriend Eleanor Calder and the deaths of his mum and sister. He says: ‘I’ve been through every emotion possible and come out the other side stronger and more confident.’

[bra1nf0g]